we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: HELLO SPAM FOLDERS EVERYWHERE next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CAGE - Infinite Nic Cage * GOOGLE+ - simulator * THEFT - Your stories ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Trust ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Cage, Porn, Xmas, Bears and Human Resources >> Infinite Instagram selfies with added Nicolas Cage << Imagine a human face with Nicolas Cage stamped on it. Forever. "I made this over the weekend," writes intyra. "It's a bit shit but fuck it, it adds character." http://feelingcagey.com/ >> Shepherds of Xhamster << For the uninitiated, Xhamster is a porn site. Here are some lovely pictures of shepherds, superimposed with the eye-watering names of porn videos. http://shepherdsofxhamster.blogspot.co.uk/ >> Ant n Dec, Xmas is coming - NSFW << "'Tis the season..." writes hobnobgoblin. Mucky but funny. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ant_n_Dec_Xmas_is_coming... >> John Lewis Christmas advert 2013 - bit bleaker << 'Tis definitely the season for mocking the blockbuster Christmas commercials. Dark but, you know, topical stuff from HappyToast. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1094294 >> The Ladies Of H.R. << "Hello chaps and chapesses," writes This Glorious Monster. "Here's our latest dark, little sketch." http://www.b3ta.com/links/1097372/ ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M Another site we do, that you might like * Realistic Google Plus Simulator - we've made a super-accurate Realistic Google Plus Simulator - have fun in the wilderness! http://toys.usvsth3m.com/google-plus-simulator/ * 11 terrifying kids from vintage adverts who will freeze the very marrow in your bones http://usvsth3m.com/post/66372953934/ * 18 things only Northerners living down south will understand. http://usvsth3m.com/post/65623530326/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Theft Last week we asked if you'd ever stolen anything. The evidence for the prosecution is as follows: http://b3ta.com/questions/theft/ * CUSTOMS & EXCISE - Bored on an October weekend, I got a last minute return ticket for the Channel Tunnel and went for a drive around Normandy. I didn't do much - found a few pretty seaside towns and stopped for a meal, had a passing look at some war damage, picked up a few cheap packs of tobacco and headed back. "My mistake was only being in France for about four hours. This made the (British) customs officers at Coquelles suspicious, and after questioning me they proceeded to strip and search my car. After two hours of them looking inside door panels, inside the air filter and pollen filter, they finally admitted I had done nothing wrong and could continue on my journey home. "The roller-shutter on their inspection building slid up, I chucked my coat onto the passenger seat, jumped in, and rolled out toward the train home. As I drove out, I heard one of the customs guys ask: 'Where did you put the toolbox?' It was under my coat on the passenger seat. Still got it." (CarpeCyprinidae) * IKEA - I once ordered a lemonade at a cafe in an Ikea. They gave me the cup at the check-out, and I had to fill it up myself from the dispenser. I put some ice from the ice machine in the bottom, then filled my plastic cup with soft drink mix. Unfortunately, I had filled it too close to the brim for easy transportation, so I took a couple of sips to lower the level in the cup. "At this point I could have just walked away. But I didn't walk away. A horrible plan formed in my mind, driven by an all-consuming greed. Trying to look casual while my heart was pounding, I returned to the drinks dispenser. As nonchalantly as I could, I TOPPED UP MY DRINK AGAIN WITH MORE LEMONADE THAN I HAD PAID FOR. Suddenly fearing the hand of a store detective on my shoulder, I walked a little too quickly to the exit, and my drink spilled a little, probably losing more than I had gained by illegal means. "Even when I got to my car I knew I wouldn't be in the clear until I was at least a few miles away. The drinks holder in my car was too small for the cup, so I drank the whole thing quickly and didn't really enjoy it. It's a crime I've had to live with for the rest of my days. (cumquat may) (And nobody spoil it by mentioning that Ikea now do free refills. Oh.) * POLICE - A guy I know was the manager of a petrol station. Early one Christmas morning, he was called out of bed by the police on the phone, telling him that someone had smashed the window of the station shop, and he needed to come down to tell them what had been stolen. "Staggering blearily back to work, he surveyed the shelves. 'Looks like three bottles of whiskey have been taken, and maybe four large boxes of cigarettes.' "'OK,' said the police officer, reaching for a couple of the remaining whiskey bottles, 'So that was five bottles of whiskey, wasn't it sir, and I believe you said six boxes of cigarettes?'" (moon monkey) >> This week – ATTENTION WHORE << Because it's all about me, me, me – tell us what ridiculous things have you or others done to grab the limelight. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/attentionwhore/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Make reaction GIFs with your face << Create your own iconic reaction GIFs using your own face. Or someone else's - that's the flexibility of the internet age. http://gifyourself.in/ >> Real Life Instagram << Stupid colours, weird cropping, Real Life Instagram is just perfect. http://reallifeinstagram.com/ >> The most self-centred Comment is Free post << Richard Dawkins' weird honey terrorist rant is the most self-centred Comment is Free article in history, according to analysis of the number of times it mentions references “me”, “myself” and “I”. http://commentismee.qwghlm.co.uk/115/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Old men dance to acid house << So pleasingly effortless we could watch it forever. http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_day_long >> The Correspondents: Fear and Delight << "A couple of friends started a sort of band a half dozen or so years ago," writes unclepills. "This is their first proper video." Love the music and the homage to the early days of animation. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1095126/ >> That Jean Claude Van Damme ad << The Muscles From Brussels does the splits in mid-air, between two articulated lorries, reversing, while listening to Enya. Heart-achingly beautiful. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1096617/ >> Nicely detailed 'inside the birdhouse' ad << We don't remember it from the time, but this birdhouse is packed with lovely, whimsical detail. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1094706/ >> Brule's Rules on storing eggs << Absolute gold! http://www.b3ta.com/links/1095776/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Mobile Phone Challenge Last week we wanted you to plant mobile phones at moments of great historical importance. Your favourites included: * FUHRER: Apple's auto-correct changes dictator legacy for worse (barryheadwound) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11027340 * FORTUNATE: medieval selfie offers protection to battling King (1.618...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11026947 * FASCINATING: Dutch master of impossible constructions, in reverse (Dr.Dunno) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11027043 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mobile-history/ >> New challenge: Pet Instructions << This week's challenge is to loot the internet for source images and compile instruction manuals for pet owners, enabling them to get the best use out of their animals. Challenge suggested by strongp. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pet-instructions/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A GOOD REASON TO USE GOOGLE+. No, seriously, are we missing something here? because nobody else seems to be using it either. * A NEW TYPE OF SANDWICH - for surely we have exhausted the ingenuity of Canary Wharf's greatest sandwich-wrights. * OUR HOMES AND LOVED ONES, because this is looking like a late one. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Smores: [email protected] Snores: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by skeltonator, skaduskitai, Double2, lustreboy, loego. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Lose weight by living on the moon. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive