we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA NEWSLETTER HAS BEEN SENT. CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * WASPS - beware the Garden Defender * McAFEE - uninstalls McAfee Antivirus * SICKTIONARY - The rude euphemism thesaurus ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making snot via hay-fever >> Looking For Keegan << "Here's a sketch we made about Kevin Keegan." beams SeldomDiffer. A young lad, coming of age, seeks guidance from his footballing hero. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Looking_For_Keegan:2 >> The Garden Defender << "DO YOU HATE WASPS??" demands DefyingDarwin. Amazing infomercial - we would buy one in a second. NSFW sweary, if that's going to be a problem. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Garden_Defender:2 >> Rude Euphemism Thesaurus << What's the best rude term for penis? How about for vagina? Sicktionary aims to provide the definitive answers to these and similar questions. Submit your own, judge which is best in Battle Mode, look at graphs, listen to the sat-nav voice guy try to talk dirty - Rob & Tom Scott lavished a lot of love on this. Which is a euphemism we're about to submit. http://sicktionary.usvsth3m.com/ >> Nature Watch - Riding my Dolphin << "When TV biologists love their animals a little too much..." begins BIG FACE, this sort of thing is bound to happen. http://b3ta.com/links/Nature_Watch_Riding_my_Dolph... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK School Assemblies Personally, the worst assembly I ever attended was the one that Margaret Thatcher turned up to, but these have a lot more farting: http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolassemblies/ * SHUDDER - "Our last assembly of school. The teachers emerged from the fug of the staff room, reeking of smoke, to do a 'gang show' of sorts. It started amicably enough with one teacher weaving as many surnames as possible into a short story. Skip to the end. The grand finale. Miss Wells. Horn-rimmed glasses, prim, proper, fierce. Retiring with us, that year. The headmistress no less. The lights dimmed. The music started. *That* music. Often promising, rarely portentous. But of course, context is key. Dressed in chiffon and rose-coloured taffeta with a feather boa to boot, she proceed to gyrate in what we can only assume she thought was an alluring manner. Layer one I can't remember clearly, but layers two and three are etched indelibly... a black negligee, the merest suggestion of stockings and suspenders. Oh. My. God. For the love of all things bright and beautiful, please stop there. And then the negligee came off. Really Miss Wells, what were you thinking? That we were all biddy fiddlers? Did you lose a bet? We will never know." (Countryslicker) * PARP - "At primary school, my friend George was so shy that he would do almost anything to avoid attention. Usually this was disastrous, such as queuing up for gym class naked because that was somehow preferable, in his mind, to admitting that he'd forgotten his kit. Anyway. My favourite memory was when, afraid to fart as our genteel Scottish headmistress read a bible story, he held it in until it literally whistled out through clenched butt-cheeks with a sound like a boiling kettle. He sat there still cross-legged, visibly straining, with a face like an angry Buddha. It was so weird that even a large group of 5-9 year olds looked on in stunned silence for a moment before collapsing in giggles. George had to go and sit outside the hall." (SnowyTheRabbit) * OHP - "The overhead projector played a key role in school assemblies. Responsibility for the OHP was not offered lightly. It involved replacing slides when asked, and also altering the height of the projector if necessary by adding or removing books to the pile on which it rested. This took initiative. I was only trusted with the task once. Red haired and prone to allergies, an unexpected sneeze blasted strings and blobs of bogies onto the machine, which were then displayed to the hall three or four feet high in glorious 80s technicolor." (browser) >> This Week - Social Media Meltdowns << Ever said something you've regretted on the internet? Know somebody who posts first and asks questions later? Dob them in to us, the internet police. http://b3ta.com/questions/socialmediameltdowns/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Educational toy or sex toy? << A strange device for children with sensory difficulties to chew instead of the tops of pens. 'T' shaped so they don't swallow. The shaft diameter is 15mm. Which is, co-incidentally, the diameter of the average penis. http://bit.ly/11rkovM >> Finally, someone won Facebook! << We're all free to leave! http://bit.ly/1bZsuwR >> Cloud storage. << Looks dead handy. http://prism.andrevv.com/ >> Gallery of guys with imaginary girlfriends << Not only are they entirely not sad, they're very slick with Photoshop too. Our tip to young men without lady interest? Cover yourself in Lynx deodorant - ladies love it. http://bit.ly/11ZRZMZ >> Council communication of the year << Won by Bristol City Council. Go them. http://i.imgur.com/r4HzPMk.jpg >> One woman's struggle to re-use a cake tin << She tries so hard. But it's shaped like a cock. http://bit.ly/12GMo1l ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with a spunk-flecked screen >> 7 seconds that'll make you laugh << This is still going round our head an hour later. Watch it twice, nay watch it four times and you'll still have time to boil an egg. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Who_you_gonna_call:2 >> 9 secs that'll make you laugh slightly less << Hopefully this is a new trend - short and funny, it certainly makes consuming web comedy less tiresome. (Yes we know about those 5 second video guys, don't send it in, they've got a movie deal now.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/House_Painting >> BBC Radio Four in a nutshell << If it wasn't for the relentless coverage of the Royals, religion and the weather at sea we doubt we'd be that aware of them. http://www.b3ta.com/links/BBC_Radio_Four_in_a_nuts... >> How to uninstall McAfee antivirus << Presented by John McAfee himself - we're unsure what to make of this. Hero? Twat? Both simultaneously? Also, hopefully marking a trend in antivirus software people losing the plot. Looking forward to the Norton Utilities guy telling us about his tiger blood. http://youtu.be/bKgf5PaBzyg ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Crap X-Men Challenge Last week we wanted you to give the X-Men crap mutations Your favourites included: * DOMESTIC: green-haired girl cleans crockery with ladywool (Drimble) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10973101 * BEADLE: tiny-handed TV prankster displays weaponry (riverghost) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10972386 * GLASS: Google-specs backfire during animated bank raid (shiro_kuma) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10973857 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/x-men/ >> New challenge: Science Fiction Update << This week's challenge is to re-imagine classic films and literature as science fiction movies and stories. From soap opera to space opera, and so on. Thank you. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fiction-science-fict... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HAY-FEVER TO BE BANNED - having the superpower of being able to detect when plants have sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. * WHY DO SOME POOS FLOAT AND REFUSE TO FLUSH? What's the science behind this? Does diet impact the flushability of shit? * AN OFF BUTTON FOR THE TV - that turned it off everywhere. Friends don't let friends #bbcqt Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Success : [email protected] PotentialSuccess:[email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrOli, tacpprm, sinisterduck, pissflaps, The Great Architect, Mandrake, Fluffster, BaronMunchausen & Beh3moth. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Create your Spinal Tap guitarist name by dull bloke name + Tube station. ie. Nigel Tufnell, Eric Clapton and, er, Gareth Southgate. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive