we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CEILING NSA IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DAFT PUNK - Superpowerless beatbox cover * HITLER - secret bunker pics * MORRISSEY - styled Dickens homage ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the best ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> Daft Punk remade using mouth noises << "I covered Get Lucky by Daft Punk," beatboxes Superpowerless. "Using only mouth noises :D" http://www.b3ta.com/links/1012466 >> Actual Springwatch << A spring enthusiast? You need "Actual Springwatch with Derek Bitchtits". jonofthesouth has really captured that 1980s school TV vibe. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Actual_Springwatch >> Dogs discuss back problems << "This is a real conversation from my mum, dad and friend," confesses pi bennett, of this Creature Comforts-esque offering. "No-one knew/knows I recorded it!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Back_Problems ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION FOR THE WEAK Kids say the shittiest things Two weeks ago, we asked about the funny, distressing or just plain weird things that children say. Then our Question of the Week man went on holiday and we forgot all about it. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/ * CHURCH - One Sunday morning, my 4-year-old self was leaning over the edge of the chapel gallery, chin rested in my hands, knowing that a final "go in peace to love and serve the Lord" was all that stood between us and freedom. This particular priest was renowned for ensuring that Mass lasted the entire hour, but today he was ten minutes early. Glancing at his watch and having seen his predicament he announced "We will now sing the processional hymn once more..." A resigned silence descended on the gathering. From my elevated perch, I piped up. "Ah, for fuck's sake." It was a long 10 minutes until we went in peace. (masakatsu) * CASTLE - "My sister and nephew came to visit me when I was a student and I took them to the obligatory visit to Stirling Castle. My nephew was only five at the time, and found this rather a trek. My sister and I kept encouraging him saying 'We'll soon be there!' and 'It's an amazing castle, you'll love it!' When we got to the top of the hill, there was the restored splendour of the castle itself, with its elaborate facade with gargoyles and sinister-looking mythical creatures. My nephew burst into tears. 'Oh, oh, what's wrong?' I asked, all concerned. 'I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOUNCY CASTLE!'" (chinaman) * CASUAL RACISM AND HOMOPHOBIA - "My aunt worked at a primary school. One day she's supervising the little chitlins when one of them comes up to her and asks: 'Miss... am I a homo or a paki?' You can imagine the outrage that flashes through my auntie's mind in the moments following. She's already worked out the first half of the interrogation routine and mentally looked up the phone number of the child's parents. Thankfully, being a Scot in a Scottish school, she translated the local patter into the Queen's and figured out what the child actually meant: 'Begging your pardon, madame, but would you happen to know whether I am marked down as a home lunch or a packed lunch?' Darndest things, indeed." (lki) >> THIS WEEK: SPOILERS << Tell us how things have been ruined for you, apart from QOTW obviously. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/spoilers/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Cat doesn't like anything << Just a GIF, but what a GIF. Please, hater-cat, please find something that you enjoy! http://i.imgur.com/3KqMoRi.gif >> Chinese Photoshop Trolls - Part 3 << We ran a story on these guys a while back, but they keep getting better. Trolls offer their retouching services for free, deliberately misunderstand their clients' instructions. http://bit.ly/16BDdAe >> Is this computer desk taking a shit? << Bad, bad industrial design. http://bit.ly/10VxQrC >> Secret photos of Hitler's bunker << Photographer Robert Conrad risked his safety and freedom, sneaking in to document Hitler's bunker, while it was in the process of being dismantled by the East German government in 1987. Eye-opening stuff. http://bit.ly/18Rpp4Y >> Sutton Coldfield's sneezing world record << Back in the 70s, Tricia Reay managed to hold the world record, sneezing constantly for 194 days. Her achievement is commemorated here, with a lovely bluegrass song about it, by Record Breakers Roy Castle. http://bit.ly/18TlgLe ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Watch in 240p, like TV from your childhood >> Christopher Lee's heavy metal album << Like most 91-year-olds, legendary horror star Christopher "Saruman" Lee has made an ultra-heavy metal album. Preview and a little interview here. The man is an icon. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Charles Dickens is Morrissey << Horrible Histories outdoes itself again, with this clever, tuneful, fact-packed homage to both the Smith and the author of Martin Chuzzlewit. Yet another proof of our theory that 'kids TV is now the best TV'. Although, to be fair, we did have to class Breaking Bad as 'educational'. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1010719 >> There's things worth rioting about, EDL << Comedian Mitch Benn sings and education to the EDL on things they *should* be getting angry about, instead of being a bunch of ignorant, racist cunts. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Because_fuck_off_racists >> Billy Bragg's 'Handyman Blues' << A constellation of comedy names in Billy Bragg's new video about middle-aged manliness anxiety. Directed by Johnny Vegas, spot Ricky Glover, Stewart Lee and Bob the Builder himself, Neil Morrissey. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Braggs_Handyman_Bl... >> Real actors read Christian forums << Some easy lols to be had with this series of highly dramatic readings of semi-literate forum nonsense. Personal favourite, "there's no proof of apes". http://www.b3ta.com/links/1010220 >> Twerking in public << Utterly unburdened by shame, comic Mawaan Rizwan takes his booty to twerk the streets. He's great. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : BEST OF USVSTH3M The other project partly run by team B3ta * 14 kinds of Facebook people you want to block, but you can’t because they’re sort of your friends http://bit.ly/1b6GO6j * Ghost stations of the London Underground on the classic Tube map http://bit.ly/11p5Tbm * The Homophobatron - anti-gay marriage arguments that make as much sense as the real ones http://bit.ly/14Fdu3l ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Gnomes Challenge Last week we asked you to celebrate the Gnome Your favourites included: * WINDOWS: computer security receives be-hatted elfen makeover (E Dunya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10969116 * TRENCH: war horrors portrayed bleakly with gremlin soldiers (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10969991 * BISCUIT: hungry mouse devours infinite bourbon cream (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10968801 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/Gnomes/ >> New challenge: Board Games << This week's pictorial task is to infiltrate real-life situations with board games, and with characters from said games. Challenge suggested by HappyToast http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/board-games/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * AN IDEAS GENERATOR FOR THE THREE THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK * LIFTS WITH GLASS FLOORS - imagine how scary that would be? There's one in New Zealand, we'd like on closer. * THE DINOSAURS RECREATED ON THEIR OWN ISLAND - we don't see how that could go wrong. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Kisses: [email protected] Pisses: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fork, The Great Architect, @copybeard, eXOBeX, @paradisecircus, Amorous Badger, Ten U Us, HappyToast, Sheriff John Bunnell, Sanderson Jones. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Jeccius. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Fancy a fun night out but can't afford to? Stay in instead. (2 Can Chunder) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive