we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: I'VE GOT SMOOTHIE ALL DOWN MY CHIN *INNOCENT FACE* next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CRAZY DRUNK STUNTS - within reason * STAR TREK - the middle school musical * GOATSE AWARDS - More inappropriate logos ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our pennies ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than art from toenail clippings >> The Piss Artist << Watch Pig Face Turnip drink lots of booze and perform stunts. We like this for three reasons: 1. Funny 2. It's all set in the official B3ta patch of NW5 and 3. In the comments the creator and a member of the messageboard bump into each other on Hampstead Heath. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Piss_Artist >> Read 50 Shades of Grey challenge << Becomingbatman has a challenge between him and his chum, reading the erotic slosh of 50 Shades of Grey whilst keeping a straight face. Unsurprisingly they can't do it, but the laughter is a joy to watch. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1005421 >> Crap paps << Anyone who's ever worked on a newspaper will know that most of the photos sent in by agencies are completely and utterly useless - unless you enjoy laughing at incompetence. Fortunately, we love doing that. Thanks @Roobatron. http://crappapsblog.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : BEN WHEATLEY FILM PLUG Trailer Old-school b3tan Ben, who even co-wrote a couple of B3ta newsletters, is now a super successful film director in with the Hollywood illuminati. When he's not eating babies with Julia Roberts and David Geffen, he's making great movies. He writes, "Hey B3ta, here's a trailer for my new film. Set during the English Civil War. Shot in 12 days. Ultra low budget. Reece Shearsmith, Michael Smiley (from Kill List) and they take a lot of mushrooms. Sounds B3taish. Out July 5 in cinemas, vod, DVD, Blu-ray and for free on Film4." http://m.youtube.com/watch BTW: Ben's email sig is this: "Beamed at you from the mobile-handset of mr. wheatley" We also know Ben Goldacre's email sig is "Sent via my ZX81". What is it with Bens and their comedy sig stylings? ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Emergency Services Last week we asked for your tales of the police, ambulance workers, firefighters... you know, sexy people in uniforms: http://b3ta.com/questions/emergencyservices/ * CUT - "I went to get my scalp stitched. The doctor asked how I cut it. I had to tell him that I was walking round the sea-bathing pool wall, when I hit my head on the sign that says "Don't walk on the pool wall"." (A Blair) * DRIED - "Oh the shame. I called the police once because someone was hanging out of the window of a 12th-floor flat in the local high-rise. They called back half an hour later to tell me they'd successfully rescued a pair of damp jeans." (Smash Monkey) * CURED - "In common with every second cove one meets now-a-days, I have a peanut allergy. A single nut could kill me. By following scientifically-proven homeopathic principles, I've discovered that a second peanut provides a perfect antidote to the first. I keep track by shouting POISON and CURE as each nut is ingested. Over the years I've saved the NHS millions by using this simple technique, though I have been banned from every cinema in the county." (Brigadier) >> This Week - KIDS SAY... << ...the shittiest things. Like Take a Break's letters page, only with more swearing: http://b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Goatse Awards 2013 << All your favourite things that look a bit like Goatse. Hmmm, looks like something we might have put together. http://bit.ly/10ReE9U >> Gomez button << Although we could look up who this guy is, and we did, it's funnier not knowing. http://gomezbutton.de/ >> Cooking doesn't get any tougher than this! << Overly-complicated (to the point where Heston Blumenthal would struggle), with results that splits critics into lovers/haters; you rather wonder what it's doing on the BBC Good Food website. Even the reviews are in awe of it. http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1505633/ >> Towards a post-food society << With the population on the rise and global warming making land that once fed us infertile what's the solution? Rob Rhinehart believes the answer is a type of bachelor chow he cunningly calls Soylent. The name made us think it's a sci-fi gag, but he looks quite serious about it. Your grandkids are going to love living in a rented pod and eating powder, whilst the government builds a Beowulf cluster of their brains to make Bitcoins. http://bit.ly/10MHOwB >> Artist Statement (ie. bollocks) generator << "My work explores the relationship between multiculturalism and skateboard ethics. With influences as diverse as Rousseau and Miles Davis, new insights are distilled from both orderly and random dialogues..." http://www.artybollocks.com/#abg_full >> Stonehenge / Easter Island connection << There's only two conspiracy theories that we believe. 1. Jimmy Savile supplied children for Satanic ceremonies with the lizard elite and 2. This. http://bit.ly/10phQxV ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a Game Gear TV attachment with no aerial >> Star Trek: the School Musical << Boldly going where no school has gone before, we only wish our teachers had this much vision. Best we got was someone playing bagpipes then explaining that U2's Pride in the Name of love is all about Jesus (spoilers: it's not). http://bit.ly/162E7G0 >> Coming out of water makes you look hot? << Neat little sketch that made us question our heterosexuality. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1004004 >> 50 wrong quotes << Interesting - and the pace of it is overwhelming for our tired, old brains. Is Antiques Roadshow on yet? https://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny like cancer is funny * HE LOOKS SO HAPPY ABOUT IT - SimianKid writes, "Fairly standard entry for funny name corner but it's the accompanying picture that really makes it." http://www.austriancenter.com/fmrs2013/speakers/ * A RIVAL TO 'BEATS BY DRE' - that's probably not going to be sold as a knock-off in Camden for £10. http://www.fannywang.com/ * OUR NEW FAVOURITE POLITICIAN - other than the Tory MP who died with a satsuma in his mouth. https://twitter.com/jonnot/status/3376575737067110... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the UK Star Wars Challenge Last week we wanted you to imagine a Brit version of Star Wars Your favourites included: * WHOOPS: classic Caine as explosive device creates chaos (1.618...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964848 * PREVIN: Xmas sketch reinterpreted via Jedi Council Grand Master (Beau Bo d'Or) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10965044 * WARNING: poolside poster updated to suit Galactic Empire (Captain Howdy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964693 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/UK-StarWars/ >> New challenge: Flowers! << The nation's posh people have gathered in Chelsea for their annual gardening festival, so it's time for another b3ta one word challenge: Flowers! http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flowers/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SHAVING THAT KEPT OUR FACE FUZZ-FREE FOR MONTHS - shaving is such a bore. Also, we know beards are fashionable at the moment but that only works for the young. At our age it makes one look like a paedophile geography teacher. * TOOTHPASTE THAT REMOVES HANGOVERS - can you imagine the fame and fortune to the genius who invents this? * JEANS THAT DON"T LOOK LIKE WE'VE SPUNKED ON THEM IF WE ACCIDENTALLY GET TOOTHPASTE ON THEM WHILST HUNGOVER - that's our excuse and we're sticking to it. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends: [email protected] Twats: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @rattigarb, UltimateMonkey, tubaman, @TheFles, slartifartfast, @robertjohnsonau, @mikenco, WhyAyeMrs, @WhyAyeMrs3h. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Newsletter written on the Northern Line / Jubilee line beating a battery at 13%. It's 5% now, pretty adrenaline-raising shit man. Subjlols via username failed moderation. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Help slugs by glueing old seashells to them, thus turning them into snails. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive