we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "AMERICAN TV IS NOW MAKING BLACK PEOPLE SING FOR GAS?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CAR CHASE - with MicroMachines * CALL GIRLS - review analysis * CHOCTOPUS - Joel's kitchen secrets ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Still ASCII after ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> "I'm Shit At Catchphrase" << A proud boast from jonofthesouth, who's really captured the vibe of being bundled on the sofa, off work, watching daytime TV and full of yummy tramadol. "Like a David Lynch film beamed from another planet," as b3tan Joe Scaramanga puts it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Shit_At_Catchphrase >> Man vs scammer << "I thought I could end my flat hunt when I saw this shamefully too good to be true flat on Gumtree," writes woahbot. "I popped 'em an email, received the magic words 'Western Union', rolled my eyes and, before I could groan in disappointment, 'Fred' was calling me to squeeze some cash out of me. 'I'm not trying to scam you'!" http://bit.ly/10xxlmO >> Eurovision five-word reviews << "For those of you who like Europe's finest music competition," writes admiral crunch, "I thought I'd make some bitchy remarks about this year's entries." A handy reference, so you don't have to watch, listen to, or even think about it. http://blog.husey.co.uk/review-eurovision-2013/ >> What Pen? Parker Jotter review << Pig Face Turnip continues his pioneering consumer service video series. Our fave bit is the well-chosen raving from Amazon reviewers. Can they really be *that* into it? What's wrong with them? http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Pen >> Choctopus << "I FEEL A BIT QUEASY," booms big, bad Joel Veitch, wiping tentacle and confectionery from his supple, pouting lips. Fact: all of Heston Blumenthal's outtakes look like this. http://b3ta.com/links/Choctopus >> Meme-filled music vid << "I've squeezed a few memes and b3ta characters in, as well as some vertigo and cat stuntwork. Cracking tune too," entices Happy Toast. "It took me a month to make!" http://b3ta.com/links/Sam_Sallon_Long_Way_Down:2 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK My Saviour Last week we were inspired by Ed Milliband's new cyclist-rescuing super-hero status and wanted to know who you'd rescued or been rescued by: http://b3ta.com/questions/mysaviour/ * RUN - "I took part in an organised charity run and managed to keep pace with a cute looking girl. My only goal was finishing the race before her. That was it. Sadly, I was unfit and fat, and she quickly shook me off her tail. Imagine my surprise when, near the finish line, I see her lagging. I reclaimed that lost distance and just as I glided past her, she stopped and vomited all over her trainers. I'd love to say I stopped and helped but I just thought, 'Fuck that...' and carried on running. And, like most encounters I have with women, I finished before her." (plant) * BAG - "I am a real super-hero. About a year ago I spotted a woman in the city centre struggling with a load of shopping that had fallen all over the floor because her carrier bag had broken. I had a carrier bag in my pocket, so, quick as a flash, I walked over, handed her the bag and said, "Would this help?" She looked back, smiled and said, "Thank you." I then seamlessly melted back into the crowd. From that day forward I vowed to always carry a carrier bag with me to rescue of those unfortunate enough to suffer the same fate. So far I have helped 3 others. No one knows my identity, no one knows where I come from, no one knows where I disappear to, no one knows if I'll be there to help when their bag breaks, all they know is that I AM CARRIER BAG MAN." (The invisable man) * CAT - "Rolling back from a club one morning in a mildly chemical state, my mate spotted a cat bobbing in the water. With no thought for his own safety or comfort he plunged in to the murky depths and spluttered his way to the distressed animal. And that's how he rescued a block of polystyrene from the Leeds Liverpool canal." (Dr. Shambolic) >> This Week - EMERGENCY SERVICES << Tell us your tales of the police, ambulance workers, firefighters, and - dammit - the coastguard: http://b3ta.com/questions/emergencyservices/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Mumble art << There's a man in Glasgow, who remembers what people say to him, and then goes home and draws it. Maybe someone should cut off the booze supply to Glasgow. http://thefolkyebumpintae.wordpress.com/ >> Get Clucky << The Nigerian spammers contracted by Daft Punk to turn out 40,000 memetic variations of Get Lucky, to convince people the song is popular, are now half-way through their project with a midi / chicken cover version. Next week? If you slow Get Lucky down 1000% it turns into the fear that washes over your body at midnight, when you remember you've wasted your entire life and you've got no one. http://bit.ly/1460LZh >> Analysis of call girl reviews << The biggest insight being that it's all sort of matter of fact - like a site reviewing washing machines. And why wouldn't it be? As aren't prostitutes essentially washing machines of the soul, with spunk being the Daz whitener? http://bit.ly/ngNEzk >> I don't want your fucking app << Website apps are pointless - if you design your site properly it'll work fine on a small screened browser - so it's rage-inducing to visit a site on your phone and be constantly told to INSTALL A FUCKING APP. No! We'd rather cut off our cock, stick it in a Breville and then sell it on eBay. http://idontwantyourfuckingapp.tumblr.com/ >> Oh, "lol", ironic reviews << Rhod writes, "Periodically the Samsung Push Service gets updated via the Google Play store. The reviews have to be the funniest things I have read in a long time - well worth looking at." https://play.google.com/store/apps/details >> Instagram's Teenage Superstars << One of the joys of the internet when we were young was it was an area we could succeed in despite our horrific looks. Those days are gone. If you want to be web-popular, be pretty and young. That sounds a bit paedo and it probably is. http://bit.ly/13xhiqp ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if jpegs could move and talk >> Stop-motion MicroMachines car chase << Whoever directed this has a future making Fast & Furious eleventy billion. http://www.b3ta.com/links/998498 >> Kitten + lizards = fun << What other exciting animals could you next introduce to kittens to see their reaction? Lions? http://www.b3ta.com/links/1000626 >> London 1927 << Video of London in 1927 - would be great to film the same locations now and run them side by side. Anyone got a budget for that? http://www.b3ta.com/links/London_1927 >> Dr Bees << Bee-based comedy that will stop being funny once all the bees are dead and the plants won't pollinate and we all die. Or maybe we'll be laughing in our graves. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dr_Bees >> Sad Cat Diary << A reminder that the best comedy doesn't always come from your super-leet AfterEffects skills, but good writing. Ha, leet. Remember when people said that? The kids who popularised that are now your curmudgeonly boss. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sad_Cat_Diary >> Cunty parent of the week award << The joy of mobile phones is that, if you're a dreadful parent, you can now share it with the rest of the world. That's why Microsoft invented them. http://www.prochan.com/embed >> Dog wants sausage << As there's nothing we can add to this video in commentary, instead here's a joke we tried to make up that doesn't really work: Why do all catholic priests fuck kids? Confirmation bias. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_really_want_the_sausag... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the New Vehicles Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent exciting vehicles. Your favourites included: * ZOMBIES: dreaded twelve-legged undead sled ahead (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10962476 * CLARKSON: pop-powered sportster undone by pill injection (barryheadwound) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10963380 * CART: moggie-driven carriage proves to be regrettable ride (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964192 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-vehicles/ >> New challenge: Star Wars UK << It has been announced that the 7th Star Wars film will be made in the UK. Boot up Photoshop and show Disney and Lucas etc how their characters might cope while filming in the UK and just how British the new film could be. Challenge suggested by The Twisted Omentum. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/UK-StarWars/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really would like to see include: * LABOUR-UKIP COALITION - Imagine how angry politics is going to be if this is only Government formable in 2015. A sitcom right there. (This is a lie, we wouldn't like to see this) * A MAGIC DEVICE THAT READS LORD SUGAR'S TWEETS IN THE VOICE OF BRIAN BUTTERFIELD - What's the difference between Lord Sugar and Brian Butterfield? About 8 stone. * TOP 50 CONCATENATOR - we've never managed more than a few clicks into those lists that split across 50 pages, each click giving you a paragraph, another picture and another ad. What about a magic button that folds them into one page? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Hi: [email protected] Bye: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jonofthesouth, MadCatMan, The Scrunt, Fadgebadger, Amadeus, Tusk, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, fred zeppelin, jonofthesouth. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Marn. Top tip via username failed moderation. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make people think you have a lift in your house by cutting a hole in the ceiling of your hallway cupboard and putting a ladder through it, allowing you to climb through to the upper floor of your house, behind the closed cupboard door. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive