we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MORE GAGS THAN A MIDWEST BASEMENT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TIME - and your insignificant place in it * UN-WORDS - to unforget * CARELESS WHISPER - as Walking Dead theme ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our pennies ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Meals, MeFi, Unwords and Baking >> David's Meals For One << "A delicious/depressing pilot I made for a new TV chef. Contains nuts," writes Alrightbymoe. Funny, although your kitchen looks too nice and clean to be genuinely owned by a bloke living on your own. We postulate you're fibbing, oh it's called acting is it? Who knew? https://www.youtube.com/watch >> Meta Mitchell & Webb Filter << No fool, Metafilter fan Matt Round: "For the longest time I have had the theory that for every FPP there is a somewhat relevant Mitchell & Webb sketch." And, dammit, looks like he's right. http://mattround.com/metamitchellandwebbfilter/ >> 63 Un-words << "These words may save your life!" exclaims lexicographer Joel Veitch, inventor of 63 brand-new words of almost startling situational uselessness. Good stuff, from the boy Veitch. http://b3ta.com/links/63_Un_Words >> "A bag of flour and a bucket of water" << "I was given the rushes for a Greggs documentary," writes cut-up swedemason. "I suffered hours and hours of folks banging on about sausage rolls. This guy was quality though." How many times can you hear the word "baking", before it stops making sense? That was amazing, give us another slice. http://www.b3ta.com/links/996375 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Midlife Crisis Last week we wanted to know if the midlife crisis had hit you and with what: http://b3ta.com/questions/midlifecrisis * COMPLIMENTS - "I was working in my lab the other day when one of the more attractive members of the department approached me. She's American and all curves and cleavage. "Tell me, sittingduck. Me and (another unattainable sexbomb) were chatting about you the other day." Oh yes? "Threesome here we come?!" said my mind. She went on... "and we decided that with your spiked hair and old band T-shirts you haven't changed how you dress since you went to University. Are we right?" Ouch." (sittingduck) * CONSIDERATION - "Not so much a crisis, more a shift in perspective. When considering buying a DVD box set, I find myself calculating how many times I might watch it before I die." (moon monkey) * COCKS - "I bought a leather jacket, started listening to Kasabian and bought a Thai bride! Turned out she has a cock, but that's alright, I'm pretty open-minded." (DOZERTRON!) >> This Week - MY SAVIOUR << Labour leader Ed Miliband recently dashed into the middle of a road to save a fallen cyclist. Who has come to your rescue? Have you ever been the rescuer? http://b3ta.com/questions/mysaviour/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Trolling handymen << Possibly not the most deserving group to troll, but amusing nonetheless, replying to small ads with fanciful nonsense. http://textastrophe.com >> Your eyes on a pet << Say you're stuck for a new "trez hilaire" pic for Myspace or Friends Reunited, why not stick your eyes and mouth on a picture of a kitten? We tried using a photo of Angelina Jolie and, after a few experimental wanks, we've decided we prefer her without facial fur or a tail. http://www.petswitch.com/ >> Realistic LSD simulator << TIP: Run out of Acid? Stare at these GIFs for 30 seconds & then panic about what you'd say if your Dad phoned right now. http://dvdp.tumblr.com >> How to feel quite small << Douglas Adams once claimed that showing your position in space would result in learning how insignificant you are - here's a similar concept, but with time. http://hereistoday.com/ >> Tony Blackburn's autobiography compressed << Disc-jockey (remember that phrase?) Blackburn's autobiography is an insight-free whistlestop tour through modern history. His thoughts on JFK and the Miners' strike illustrate nothing but the shallowness of his mind. Wonderful stuff; better than the Alan Partridge book. http://bit.ly/13ZqORG ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like real life but full of lies and smaller >> FPS style music video << We didn't want to enjoy this celebration of uber violence but sadly we did. Pray for our souls. http://vimeo.com/62092214 >> Black neighbour is auto-tuned << As Slate points out, although we can't help but laugh, the frequency of this meme is starting to look racist. http://slate.me/18UqDbi >> How do YOU sit? << If you don't sit like Star Trek's Riker, lifting a leg astride the chair, then you are not a real man (or lady). Also what a tight, bottom-hugging costume Wesley Crusher had to wear. Blimey. http://slate.me/11jCvWD >> Daft Punk vs Flute << 'Finally, Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" gets the infusion of flute it so desperately needed.' Well, it says "flute" but that looks like a big recorder to us. Wonderfully deadpan. BTW: We have a theory that nobody actually likes this song and Daft Punk have employed 500,000 call centre operatives to turn out memes. http://bit.ly/17ChvJt >> Careless Whisper as theme song << Wonderful, simply gag: replace the theme tune on shows that take themselves seriously with the parping cheese-sax of Wham's classic lament. http://carelesswhisperthemesongs.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Where's That StreetView? Look at a Google StreetView location. Guess where it is. Lesson? A fair bit of the ex-Soviet Union looks like Spain. Oh, and you can cheat if you get the chance to read shop signs. http://geoguessr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Cancelled due to lack of funny Maybe there's someone out there called Dick, but we can't be bothered to look. Why not google for Dick? ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Whale Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the majesty of whales. Your favourites included: * FOOTWEAR: startlingly realistic, cgi- free reproduction of a killer (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960238 * LIFE: Douglas Adams tribute suddenly called into existence (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960175 * GASTROPOD: freakish, Mengele-style manipulation of nature, for your pleasure (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960135 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/whales/ >> New challenge: Invent A Vehicle << This week's challenge is to design the most amazing vehicle ever, and to picture it doing what it's designed for. It'll be like Top Gear, but with fewer twats in the audience http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-vehicles/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FURTIVE WEDDING RING UPDATE - iain writes, "Oh my, I missed the second peak of traffic for the Furtive Wedding Ring article - didn't realise I made the newsletter. So, erm, thanks. I used to spend a ludicrous amount of my working day send gazzes and F5-ing QOTW. I've stopped posting on b3ta now (proper job etc.) and so has my wife but Offtopic was where we met. Thanks again. Your site rules." http://www.b3ta.com/links/981228 * SAD NEWS - skeltonator writes, "Hi guys, sorry to pass on the sad news, our very own PCmechanic passed away on Friday, after a long battle with disease. I have started a tribute thread on /links which we will pass on to his family. Just wondering if you can put something on the FP or in the newsletter." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hello_all:3 * R.I.P. RAY HARRYHAUSEN - if someone beloved by the public has died, chances are a tribute was made by a B3tan back in the day. This week, we're digging out Matt Round's classic work from the days when stills from video were used to save bandwidth. http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/tribute/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * CYBER-CRIMES BILL - sounds like a new character in Viz. "Grr! I wanted to troll a Facebook group about some dead kids but I've been forced to pick up litter instead!" * BUBBLE-WRAP FILLED WITH KY JELLY - to simulate the joy of squeezing spots. * BOOZE THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT AND TIRED - come on science, you can solve this. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Workers : [email protected] Shirkers : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson, partially on the Northern Line and DLR. Reminds us of some early issues of B3ta which were similarly written on public transport using, would you believe it, a Palm Pilot. Bananas! Stuff sent in by @maxxburton, @matt_round, @etienneshrdlu48s, @thesaharadesert, @eamonncarey, @UPROXX, @somegreybloke, @b0rk3d_GB and @iratesheep. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips via robneymcplum. Subjlols via claptonista. Also, Douglas Adams in Highgate Cemetery: http://pic.twitter.com/iVkrUzVs4R ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Bus companies: Have an illuminated route number sign on the back of your bus, to alert you as it cheerfully drives away that you've missed the fucker. In the rain. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive