we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MAGGIE THATCHER WORM HATCHER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * JEREMY KYLE - vs. Cassetteboy * ED BALLS - Everywhere, on everything * THATCHER - Your loving photoshop tributes ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Hoping to score a line ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Jeremy Kyle, Jokes, Jim, Britney and Swears >> Cassetteboy reviews Jeremy Kyle << "It's Friday again, so there's a new Review," writes Cassetteboy. "People sometimes ask us about the process of making these videos, so here's some stats for you: "We watched 8 episodes, which is about 6 and a half hours worth. From that, we collected about 40 minutes of samples that seemed like they might be useful. "After that, we endlessly watched the 40 minutes, keeping the best bits, rearranging them, until we ended up with the funniest 2 and a half minutes. "And after that, we really, really hated Jeremy Kyle. What a monster." http://b3ta.com/links/980527 Last week's Masterchef one has a lovely payoff: http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Top Ten Bad Jokes << "Here are bad jokes," intones Eddache. "Ten of them." Number 6 is our favourite, inasmuch as, you know, any of them are jokes. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_Ten_Bad_Jokes >> Jim'll Paint It: Wolf/Nokia << Mr. Eraserhead, "Jim" himself, writes, "For yesterday's Microsoft Paint drawing request I decided to take a bunch of screen grabs of the work in progress. This one's of a horrific Wolf from Gladiators / Nokia 3210 mutant hybrid." A privilege to see great man at work. http://www.b3ta.com/links/975831 >> Vomanizer << "I met this dude in the middle of nowhere who claimed to be Britney Spears' biggest fan," mutters smearballs. "I made some backing music for his hot karaoke-style tribute." Imagine David Lynch directed Slumdog Millionaire. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Womanizer:3 >> Swearing in the playroom << "I have kids. I love swearing," admits hwak. "I started a Tumblr to combine the two." Submit your own puerile misuse of building blocks and magnetic letters. As an extra perk, sneakily show off your posh, new fridge. As adults, we have to get our kicks where we can. http://swearingintheplayroom.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS IMAGE CHALLENGE: THATCHER Remember her this way You lot were photoshopping the Princess of Our Hearts anyway, so we thought we'd round them up for a quick challenge. *dabs tears and sings Candle in the Wind* http://b3ta.com/challenge/thatcherrip/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Surprise! Last week we wanted stories of surprises both good and bad. We mostly got bad. No surprise there: http://b3ta.com/questions/surprise/ * PREGNANT - "I was out with my girlfriend at a very nice Thai restaurant. We're sitting there, ploughing through the wine, everything's going fine, apart from I just can NOT stop hiccupping. It's really distracting, and starting to wear very thin indeed. We're trying to make light of the fact I've sounded like a broken record for 20 minutes when the waitress comes over, 'Sir. Your wife's outside. She told me to tell you that she's pregnant.' I looked at the waitress. I looked at my girlfriend. I looked again at the waitress, growing ever more mortified. I looked at my girlfriend, with a 'I SERIOUSLY have no idea what's going on here' look on my face. I'm just about to say something when the waitress gets in before me: 'There you go. No more hiccups!', smiles and walks off." (SigourneysBeaver) * SHIT - "When my youngest was a baby, I thought I would play a trick on his brother. One clean nappy with some Nutella smeared on it in hand, I walked into the front room asking my wife what the baby had had for lunch. She pretended not to remember. So, sticking a finger in and having a taste, I was _about_ to declare the result when my older son retched and puked so violently it now reminds me of the WI woman on Little Britain... it was loud and continuous. We were expecting an 'Ew dad, that's gross,' not something resembling the Exorcist." (the_icks) * DOG - "My last shared house, one of the girls was a bit of a party chick and one Saturday night, she's all dolled up to go to a posh 21st party. Some bloke called Andrew. As she told us many times while troweling on makeup, it was a select affair, rich family, invite-only, only old private school chums allowed. She catches a taxi, all excited at the prospect of rubbing shoulders, and other bits, with some of Brisbane's most eligible bachelors. Within a couple of hours though, she's returned home in a rather subdued mood. We were a little surprised to see her home so soon, and Jeremy asked her 'So, was it a good party, Fi? You're home early... alone... and sober. Everything alright?' Fi looked a bit distant, shell-shocked. 'Not really. Everyone pretty much left straight after Andrew got completely blind and thought it would be a hilarious party trick to jerk off the family dog.'" (Ken Oath) >> This Week - FUNERALS II << Did you know it's over 7 years since we last asked about funerals? Can't quite put our collective fingers on why the topic came up. Tell us your funeral stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals2/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Ed Balls << On the 28th of April 2011, Ed Balls mistakenly tweeted his own name. This has now been retweeted over 10,000 times. We hear him saying it like the sausage ad dog growls "Walls". Latest tribute? A bookmarklet that makes everything on the internet into Ed Balls. http://casiotone.org/edballs/ >> Racist 'Human Zoos' of colonial past << In the past colonies were run in such an openly racist style that a few of the natives were always shipped over to Europe, to live in zoos and be poked at by the public. Extraordinary and maybe would still exist now, if mass spectacle hadn't been transformed into mass media. Cameras save the effort of actually having to transport people. http://bit.ly/J8ML4v >> 15 popular movie poster cliches << You know movies are the all same: 1. Setup, 2. It goes wrong, 3. It resolves. Well, all movie posters are the same too. Apparently someone had a new idea in 1979, but they were fired for threatening the status quo. http://bit.ly/12QvEQO >> Crying boy tumblr << This guy takes a picture of his son every time he cries - the captions are of whatever upset him. Funny but also, you know, comfort your child rather than turning them into content for your viral web dreams. http://reasonsmysoniscrying.tumblr.com/ >> Recycled movie costumes << Amazingly, clothes get reused from movie to movie and it makes us realise the connection between costume drama and sci-fi - they're the same bloody things but marketed to slightly different demographics. http://recycledmoviecostumes.tumblr.com/ >> Javascript dubstep << If you ever wanted to code your own dubstep then view source and see how. Although we haven't actually checked the code and they could be shitting us by just including an MP3 and pretending, like we'd probably do. http://t.co/i7khklklpM ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Delay your inevitable suicide with weak web lols >> How to do gymnastics << Get "Gymnasty" with helpful hints from this magnificent specimen. The guy is an amazing physical comedian. Or a horribly incompetent one - we suppose that's hard to tell without access to medical records. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_do_gymnastics >> Guile Theme acapella << Street Fighter II's most iconic theme (and we regret being big enough nerds to know *that* tidbit) is tackled by the beautifully mellifluous video-game-singing phenomenon we refer to as the Friendly Rasputin Male Voice Choir. http://www.b3ta.com/links/979386 >> How animals eat their food << Ridiculous. Funny. Informative. The whole internet should be like this. Just like this and nothing else. It's the ridiculous commitment to the comic idea that makes this so joyous. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_animals_eat_their_fo... >> Nah, you're all right << Disturbing parody of the current, horribly manipulative McDonalds ad. We haven't seen the ad but it still works on its own merit. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nah_youre_all_right >> StreetView hyperlapses << Rather than a medical condition where you, say, shit out your vocal chords, a "hyperlapse" is stop-motion animation made from still photos. These clever monkeys have written software that stitches such wonders together from Google StreetView pics. We tried to get the 'make your own' bit to create a wondrous vista of Finchfield to Wolverhampton. Sadly, all we got was static wasteland. http://vimeo.com/63653873 >> Computer masters NES << Software that learns how to play old Nintendo games and will then play them in an aesthetically-pleasing way. What will we do with the extra time, now that we've been freed from this drudgery? http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~tom7/mario/ ------------------------------------------------- : BAFFLING EMAILS Cjwaugh writes, "More lyrics: that's me in the corner, That's me in the spotlight, Moving like a pigeon." Thanks chap. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Pop Letters Challenge Last week we wanted you to change a letter in a band name to produce something new. Turned out well, actually. Your favourites included - and we're not going to write them up to pre-empt the joke. http://b3ta.com/challenge/pop-letters/ * ROLLING STONES - Mick Jagger actually once made a horrible Thatcherite single in the 80s called Let's Work, which basically attributed poverty to laziness. (Dr.Dunno) http://b3ta.com/board/10947613 * LIONEL RICHIE - Dancing on the Ceiling wasn't about taking cocaine as often suggested but Lionel's conviction that he was a spider. http://b3ta.com/board/10948239 * THE WHO - they hoped they'd die before they got old and two of them did. Result. BTW: The opening line of My Generation "people try to put us down" is much better if a cat sings it. http://b3ta.com/board/10947555 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/pop-letters/ >> New challenge: Pets with Superpowers << From cats with x-ray vision to bunnies manipulating time, via echolocating guinea pigs, this week's challenge is to portray pets. Pets with powers. Challenge suggested by mictoboy. http://b3ta.com/challenge/super-powered-pets/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * BLAIR'S FUNERAL - the fallout from the Thatcher one has provided our best-ever week of entertainment on this planet ever. Please can we have Tony next? * SOME FRIDGE MAGNETS - er.. we just need some. * THATCHER'S FUNERAL TO NEVER STOP - don't misunderstand us, it's not the gloating, but the genuine Establishment wobbles in trying to control public opinion are amazing to watch. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends: [email protected] Bastards: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fucksocks, @SamCarelse,‏@celesteasaurus5h, Matt Round, robneymcplum, pixel_fucker, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, @Foo_Cough, @YPLAC. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Amazon shite via Iain Brassington / ‏@Dr_Enzyme. Subjlols via A Vagabond @ http://www.b3ta.com/board/10951753 Why is Thatcher a Marmite politician? Coz they both smell worse when you take the lid off. BOOM BOOM JUST MADE IT UP HATE US DAILYMAIL. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Save time having to clean your toilet regularly. Piss in the sink and leave the tap on. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive