we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "A VILE PRODUCT OF INTERNET CULTURE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * AMISH SEX PISTOLS - vs. Amish Bill Grundy * VOYEURS - in 70s Tokyo * REASONABLE DEBATE - on the internet! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK EU, Guide Dogs, Pop, Cake and Islam >> Live from EU Parliament << "That's what this is," claims Cap'n. "A totally serious political debate. With character animation and explosions by HappyToast! It has fighting and man nipples. Woooo!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/LIVE_FROM_EU_PARLIAMENT >> Tony the happy sociopath << "I made a cartoon the other day about a happy go lucky sociopath named Tony," informs mung. "And as it features a little cameo from long-time B3ta favourite Brian Blessed, I thought I'd send it your way." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 30 Years of Now Music << @JoeScaramanga invites us to "Take a journey through 30 years of Now! albums." Packed with diverting showbiz trivia. http://www.now-music.co.uk/ >> "Hello world" cake with chocolate sauce << "The recipe for this cake is also a functioning computer program," writes madsporkmurderer. "There's a programming language that exists purely to make programs written in it look like recipes. I wrote one that makes a proper cake, then baked myself one to make sure it worked." http://bit.ly/X74PqH >> How to talk about Islam << Nothing to say about this one. Cheers somegreybloke. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_talk_about_Islam ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Winging it Last week we asked if you'd ever improvised desperately to get by. And whether it worked: http://b3ta.com/questions/wingingit/ * VIDEO ENGINEER - "Several years ago my wife, two kids, some friends and their two kids were happily sat on a Boeing 747 heading for some sunshine and silliness in Orlando. We tried to entertain/contain our excited offspring with those little headrest screens but they would play for a few seconds, freeze, then restart. "At that time I was a 'TV engineer' which meant I worked in a back-street repair shop. Irked by my kids' complaints, I asked a passing stewardess what was up. 'I am sorry Sir but the system is playing up, we'll hopefully get it resolved soon.' I don't know why; it just fell out of my mouth: 'Well, I'm a video engineer, I could have a look.' She smiled and said nothing, but returned a few minutes later, 'You're a video engineer? If you wouldn't mind, I would be very grateful.' What could I do? I grabbed my friend for moral support. "At the front of the plane, I was shown a bank of 8mm video players, all stopping and starting. 'They are controlled by this,' she said and pointed at a small PC screen. I logged in with her help but not a clue what to do next. By now there were three crew watching me. I was beginning to sweat when my friend whispered in my ear, 'It's a computer: turn it off and on again.' Brilliant! Log off, wait for the screen to go blank then turn the big red power switch, wait a moment, then back on again. "At this point the pilot rang and she said a passenger was looking at the video system. 'Who do you work for Sir?' Erm.... 'Sony?' I read off the video player logo. But I logged back in, the players sprang to life and worked! I returned to my seat a hero, to rounds of applause from the passengers. We were given two bottles of champagne as a thank-you. Fixing a 747 in flight is something for my CV." (mrb36) * PERL PROGRAMMER - "Out of the blue, a friend working in California for an online music company, called me up and offered me a month's work. Consultant rates, free accommodation, San Francisco. I think I left scorch marks on the doormat as I headed for the airport. "The only problem was that the job was programming in Perl, a language I'd never used, in fact never even seen. As a 'fire fighter', brought in to save the project, I would be expected to get stuck into the work first thing on day one. No 'getting up to speed' for me. So I bought a book on the way to the airport, planning to spend the flight cramming. "As soon as we had reached cruising altitude, I got out the thick book and turned to the first chapter. Which was titled, with alarming prescience, 'Perl from 37,000 feet'" (moon monkey) * CLOWN - "If anyone ever asks you to help them out at a kids' party by dressing up as a clown and entertaining the children, DO NOT DO IT. Those little fuckers can smell the fear of a first-timer and their favourite game is Let's Twat The Clown. Started off winging it, ended up legging it." (Smash Monkey) >> This Week - SURPRISE << Some people just don't like surprises, regardless of the effort you've put in. Ever planned a surprise and had it go horribly wrong (or even spectacularly well)? Tell us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/surprise/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Park voyeurs in 1970s Tokyo << Creepy set of photos of the Japanese equivalent of dogging. *Insert your own joke about the Korean equivalent of dogging* http://slate.me/XbcQLt >> Casemod your cat with cardboard << If you've got a cat, a patient cat, here's an idea for you to try this evening. http://bit.ly/10yHBco >> People Being Reasonable on the Internet << Timely reminder that internet discourse isn't just twats shouting at each other. http://funni.ly/X8VXkz >> Robot-shaming << Along the same lines as pet-shaming - interesting how these get more and more scientifically nit-picky as they progress. http://robotshaming.tumblr.com/ >> Distance to Mars << Clever, pixel-based illustration of just how far Earth really is from the Red Planet. http://www.distancetomars.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like cinema but with bring your own popcorn ‏ * BEARDED MAN MIMES CARLY RAE JEPSEN ON CHATROULETTE - We've seen this guy before, doing Lady Gaga, but the format is irresistible - proving once again it's reaction shots that make comedy. http://www.youtube.com/watch * AMERICAN PSYCHO RE-MADE WITH HUEY LEWIS Brilliant spoof of Christian Bale's finest role, although Huey could have done with practising the moonwalking a few more times. http://bit.ly/10wcP3K * AMISH SEX PISTOLS - A sketch so lovingly made it's not really comedy, but high art beamed in from a parallel universe. http://bit.ly/16wiQz9 * HOME VIDEO DVD COMMENTARY - Two brothers doing a DVD-style commentary to their old home movies. http://youtu.be/kLElgnjVCpU * MEN OFFLOADING CONCRETE PIPE FROM LORRY You know exactly how this is going to play out, but that doesn't stop it being funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch * OLD FOOTAGE OF BOY GEORGE - presenting a new recording to American record company boss, who grovels unconvincingly in the office whilst eating roast dinner. Anyone who's had any contact with the music industry will watch this with grim recognition. http://t.co/fgm09gFb7t ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY @TlfTravelAlerts Example tweets include: * Due to line managers not paying their monthly tithes to the Rat King, there are delays on the Jubilee line. * Chaos on the Central line due to a maverick train who plays by its own rules, dammit. It's getting punctual results, though, so fair play. * St Jame's's' Park station is temporarily closed due to an abundance of apostrophe's's https://twitter.com/TlfTravelAlerts ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the irrational science challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate bad science. Our favourites included: * PSYCHIC GOOGLE - search engines and cold reading together at last. (Monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/10946526 * FACEBOOK DOCTOR - best not show the Government this idea; it'll give them ideas to reduce NHS funding even further. (happy toast) http://b3ta.com/board/10945300 * HOW CHINESE MEDICINE WORKS - the reference to dinosaurs makes this. (fatbouy) http://b3ta.com/board/10945313 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/irrational-science/ >> New challenge: Pop Letters << This week's challenge is take to an artist, add or remove a single letter, and 'shop the results. Think Nine Inch Snails. Or Britney Pears. Or Blurp. Challenge and lead image by Dr.Dunno. http://b3ta.com/challenge/pop-letters/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SORRY TO SEE THEM GO - deadpidge writes, "Sirs. Once again I must thank you for saving me the weekly trouble of scouring the web for the stuff that makes me think, cry, drink, smoke, breathe and occasionally piss myself laughing but more frequently just piss myself. Unfortunately, now that I am unemployed, I fear I can no longer afford my subscription and I humbly request a full refund." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SEX * MONEY * POWER Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Cats: [email protected] Twats: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @essers, @TheMichaelMoran4m, @meat2veg, custard, kevthedrummer, @therePaulPowers, ‏@andymalt, JeremyBeadlesHands, ‏@gotimmy, Ken Putin ‏@thesaharadesert, @sarahditum46m, and @SimonNRicketts. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via SonoraAeroClub. Subjlols via chthonic. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make reference to a momentous yet tragic event in 20th Century history by shouting "OH THE HUMANITY!!" every time a balloon bursts. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive