we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NOT THAT YOU'LL READ IT UNTIL TUESDAY, YOU SKIVING TWATS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * GHOST TOWN - Street View Fukushima * ONE DIRECTION - dubbed in sinister foreign * TEETH - Actresses without them ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Click like on Facebook ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> New Cassetteboy << The underage C90 male hominid writes, "Making famous people talk about penises again, you know the formula by now." http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Cassetteboy >> A few new mutant hybrids I made for Conan << Smearballs proving once again that bloke on stage + short clips is a brilliant format for comedy - he's got himself a great gig with Conan and he's producing career defining work. http://bit.ly/11UXMFG >> Magical Piss << "I have only gone and completed a new animation!" yells koit. "I mean, what's wrong with me !?" One man's unbridled joy at discovering his disgusting superpower. Brace yourself. http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/magicalpiss.php ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Brain Fade Last week we asked for the stupid things you'd done on auto-pilot, leaving your brain gently snoring: http://b3ta.com/questions/brainfade/ * HAMBURG - "After a day shopping in Hamburg, I'd amassed four carrier bags of stuff, plus one fuckoff-sized bag containing a new suit, and then... 'Where the fuck is my train ticket?' I searched and searched. Yes, I had definitely lost it. Crap. Off to the ticket machines I went, and lightened the wallet. [2 hours of public transport rage omitted] When I came home, there was no car in the driveway. 'GermanGal must be grocery shopping', I say to myself. Luckily, I had only lost the ticket and not my keys. Opening the door, I was greeted by GermanGal and the two GermanDaughters. 'Where's the car?' ask I. Then it clicked. I'd only gone and forgotten the fucking CAR in a city 180km away. Went to the parking garage I usually use the next day, got back GermanRide, paid for another train ticket and overnight parking. Total cost to bank account: 143 Euros. Total profits for future Alzheimer's doc: probably millions. Total cost to dignity: infinite." (GermanGuy) * FISH - "I went on holiday once and the taxi driver commented on the strong smell of fish in the back of his cab. 'I was too polite to mention it!' I replied brightly. 'Well it doesn't normally smell of fish in here.' 'I'm pretty sure its not me! I have many faults, but being a fish is absolutely not one of them and neither is my wife.' 'You've got a carrier bag of fish bones next to you.' I had. I'd taken a bag of fish bones into the taxi and popped my wife's hand luggage into the wheelie bin as we left. She roared with laughter. 'Never a dull moment with you!' she smiled, eyes shining as she ruffled my hair, 'I'm so glad I married you.' This last bit isn't true." (browser) * MELON - "One of my ex-colleagues used to suffer brain-fade on a regular basis, such as reaching into her handbag for her mobile and pulling out her home phone, or, on one occasion, her TV remote. My favourite though was the melon episode. She used to bring lunch every day. Nothing fancy, just a couple of sandwiches, maybe some crisps, and a slice of melon. One Monday, she complained that the melon she'd bought wasn't very nice; it was hard, a bit dry and not very tasty. Reasoning that it probably wasn't ripe, she soldiered on and said she'd put it somewhere warm to ripen up overnight. This happened again on Tuesday. And Wednesday. On Thursday she came into the office and announced that she'd found out why her melon wasn't very nice: It was a pumpkin." (Professor Kenny Martin) >> This Week - WINGING IT << Ever had to improvise to get by? Did it work or just get you deeper into the shit? Tell us your tales of MacGyver-type genius and desperate hole digging: http://b3ta.com/questions/wingingit/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Actresses without teeth << Classic male fear - women without teeth - to be snogged by an ancient, toothless maw: grannies from hell. Next week? Vaginas with teeth dot tumblr la la la. http://actresseswithoutteeth.tumblr.com >> Ghost town Google Street View << Incredible. Use Google Street View to explore Fukushima nuclear ghost towns. Reminds us of reading On the Beach by Nevil Shute - where people in anti-radiation suits explored radioactive towns looking for life. Make sure you full-screen and rap along, "the Apocalypse will be Instagrammed." http://goo.gl/maps/oTnwQ >> US Postal Service hates Atheists << Footwear company Atheist Shoes has discovered that if they brand deliveries with their name, they're 10x more likely to go missing. Awful, but then Atheists are not allowed to hold public office in six US states, including Texas. http://www.atheistberlin.com/study >> Change your password now << Apparently, the trick for a secure but memorable password is to take three disconnected words and jam them together - we now realise that Dog Man Star wasn't just a Brit Pop meets Prog 90s mess but Brett Anderson's attempt at creating a secure Hotmail password. http://bit.ly/rXsQlB >> Thug kitchen << If you like your recipe ideas very sweary and apparently pitched at the illiterate and educationally-subnormal then you're in luck. http://thugkitchen.com/ >> Nic Cage's Face On All 151 Pokemon << Internet God Nicolas Cage appears to have obtained his status by gurning and overacting. Odd, considering how brilliant he was in Leaving Las Vegas. http://pokemonxniccage.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if your Gameboy Camera played video >> Movie references to Mainframe Computers << Computers are used in Hollywood like magic was used in Grimm's fairy tales - to cover any random plot hole with some pixie dust. They can be a Macguffin, a Deus ex Machina and probably many other pages from TVTropes simultaneously. http://bit.ly/ZndwNm >> One Direction badly dubbed into foreign << Possibly the funniest thing you'll see this week - One Direction's over-emoting faces perfectly match your vaguely racist ideas of what goes on in serious European arthouse flicks. Watch with subtitles. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Status Quo Action Movie << In what many are speculating can only exist as a tax dodge, Status Quo are making an action movie. It's a bit like watching your dad and his drongo mate living out their James Bond fantasies before putting on their slippers and voting UKIP. http://bit.ly/102wvgt >> Pope rap << We've been watching quite a few Whitest Kids U'Know vids this week - mixed bag, some excellent some unwatchable but their Pope rap is on the money. Also worth looking up are Hippo in the City and their JFK assassination one. http://youtu.be/6TxjrHPHypA >> Why you don't need to see Les Mis << This 'Honest Trailer' for Les Misérables has never made us want to see a movie less. http://youtu.be/IBYfA3zTxFE >> Woody Allen supercut << 40-odd minutes of Woody Allen umming and ahhing - reminds us of all the great films he made before he shagged his stepdaughter - we particularly recommend Play It Again, Sam for the line, "We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. I spent the entire two weeks in bed... I had dysentery." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY - Accidental Alan Partridge A vaguely amusing twitter twat to follow @edwardrussia writes, "Accidental Alan Partridge tweets are v funny." Yep, pointing out Jeremy Clarkson is a bit Partridgey is obvious but delicious. https://twitter.com/AccidentalP ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Crap and bollocks in e-commerce hell * MICROWAVE COOKING FOR ONE - If you've ever heard the Harry Nilsson song 'One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do' then here it is, served in a tragic single serving for a dinner that goes ping. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/156554666... * FISTING - Baldychops confesses, "I've been reviewing Vaseline on Amazon." http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B0042280CM... * SELF-HELP BOOK ABOUT WANKING - We suspect 'Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a Technique for Business Success' only exists so that people, like us, link to it. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/147829612... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the sea life challenge Scientists have discovered life 11km under the sea. To celebrate, they've asked us to set a challenge: show us this new underwater world and other fishy pics, using Photoshop. Our favourites included: * PAEDOFISH - quite why this abomination was tolerated in our seas for so long is anyone's guess - maybe he was mates with Neptune or something. (orbojunglist) http://b3ta.com/board/10943611 * JEREMY THE ANNOYING SEAHORSE - charming work from Fresh Water Mole. http://b3ta.com/board/10943129 * BIRO ART FISH - when NobbyNobody isn't making UndeadTeds he's still biromashing. http://b3ta.com/board/10942955 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/sea-life/popular >> New challenge: Irrational Science << If irrational nonsense was scientific fact, what would the side effects be? http://b3ta.com/challenge/irrational-science/ BTW: Ben Goldacre has got in touch noticing we've used his photo. You should def buy his book - it's ace. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000735074... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PSYCHIC LIGHT BULBS - tuned to human consciousness so, as sleep takes hold, the light fades, preventing 2am waking & ARGH! THE BRIGHTNESS! * EASY MANGOS - The banana is perfect, it has its own biodegradable packaging. When will genetic engineers make a mango that works the same? Or a pork chop? * SILENT DRUM KITS - would love a proper drum kit but our neighbours wouldn't. We realise the mark of the truly bourgeois is having the space to pursue antisocial hobbies without alienating people. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Fuck us: [email protected] Fuck off: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt round, @tomfoot1, @masakepic, @tsmith9641, @TheMichaelMoran18s, @edmorrish, Rich Annexia, @olivia_solon2m Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Pedantichrist. If you watch your life backwards all your shitty MP3s get replaced with cool vinyl but your penis shrinks. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make a decent cup of tea in about 20 seconds. After you've filled the cup with boiling water and squidged the bag about a bit, microwave it for 10 seconds (no more), squidge bag, out, milk, done. As a bonus, it's not just proper "5 min brew" strong, but proper hot, too. (MrOli) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post1902906 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive