we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY CHEESE PASTY AND A WANK DAY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO QUIZ - Cum Face or Axe Master * PROJECT - Make your bin into a monster * VIOLENCE - Beat up your toddler ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our 2ps ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Making using their internet finger >> Cum Face or Axe Master? << "Morning B3ta-peeps," squeaks Wallopfilms. "I made a game!" Look at these gurning wonders - are they engaging in sweep-picked arpeggios, diminished minor harmonic scales and finger-tapping? Or is someone abusing their whammy-bar? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Punishment Beating << "My four-year-old and I have produced this useful training film on how to best beat up a child," informs Bananas. "Enjoy!" This little boy has a future as a stuntman. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Punishment_Beating >> Dancers on fire << "We shot dancers at 1000fps then, in post, overlaid lots of CG fire onto them so it looked like they had been set alight," explains Grape. "It took just over a year to complete with about 6 months of that being me sat in my room creating and rendering the fire in Maya!" Beautiful stuff, although it would have been considerably less effort to simply set the dancers alight. http://bit.ly/XNX61l >> Spring Tide << "Saw some crazed waves so I thought I'd get a bit closer and film them. Within 2 minutes my camera was knackered and I was drenched," laments poochengeez. "This is some of the footage I salvaged from the salty SD card." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Spring_Tide >> 80s nostalgia song << "Have you seen the We Didn't Own An iPad thing doing the rounds?" inquires drewb. "I did the music for it!" Definitely punches our old git nostalgia buttons. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Make your bin into a monster << "I made this for a friend's kitchen. I am quite proud of him," beams stevierar. "There is a guide, in case you want to make your own bin creature." http://www.steveguntrip.co.uk/labs/55/bin-monster/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK I Hurt My Bits, Again Last week we wanted more stories of squashed, ripped and marinated rude bits. Read on and wince. Repeatedly: http://b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/ * TONED - "I have spent the last year working away from home, which sounds quite exciting but in reality is truly boring. It has given me the opportunity to experiment quite a bit with the deeper recesses of my imagination. In a fit of complete gungho idiocy, I decided to buy one of those ab toner belt things and attach it to my genitals. I thought this might be a great way of automating a process and providing some much needed help during my internet fuelled 2 hour long masturbatorium sessions. Turns out it's really fucking painful and exceptionally difficult to switch off in a blind panic. I suspect I detached a retina screaming..." (kaptinkurtz) * DROPPED - "Royal Lifesaving Society Bronze course. I was the youngest guy there. At one point you had to remove a drowned person from the pool by gripping his wrists and hoisting him over the side. The acting-drowned person was much bigger than me and I only had the strength to just get the bulgy part of his Speedos over the edge of the pool when I dropped the poor bastard back down, gently scraping his way over the tiled pool edge." (the other guy) * TOUCHED - "Mountain biking in Wales, I was going down a hill really rather fast when my waterproof trousers caught in the chain, causing it to lock. This sent me head first over the handlebars and off into a small stream. I was already in an incredible amount of pain when in slow motion the bike landed smack between my legs. I now have a zig zag lightning bolt scar down the length of my penis and ballsack. It looks like I was touched by Voldemort as a child." (markqfmd) >> This Week - FIGHT CLUB << In which internet hard-men and internet trolls do battle to see who can be stupidest online. With the occasional story of fighting in between. Contribute your best and worst brawls here: http://b3ta.com/questions/fightclub/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Liartown << Enjoyable collection of Photoshopped-up road signs, remaindered book jackets, magazine articles and, our favourite, Butterfield-esque unappetising menus. http://liartownusa.tumblr.com/ >> Master of Yeahs << Every James Hetfield grunt ever, laid end-to-end like a distillation of good-time heavy rock. http://m.soundcloud.com/kcclips/hetfield-grunts >> New York's hidden subway station << Fascinating article on City Hall station, disused due to safety concerns but architecturally magnificent. http://bit.ly/WsAmmF >> We will write your songs << Fancy being in a band, but shit at writing songs? Let the 'Retired Artists' ("underground musicians" who don't tour anymore) do everything for you - and nobody need ever know. This seems like a slightly melodramatic way of employing a songwriter, but what the heck. http://retiredartists.com/ >> Porn stars - before & after makeup << Some pretty skilled MAUs at work here, but we eagerly await the upcoming Dove real beauty campaign and as someone on twitter pointed out - it has a humanising effect - real people made your porn. http://bit.ly/XcMp4I >> Welsh URL shortener << Make long web addresses easier to share and more trustworthy, with this shortening service. http://llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllan... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if you could watch TV online. Wow. * INTERNET INSTRUCTION VIDEO FROM THE 1990s - we'd like to get a time machine back here as making crappy homepages is our leet skill we're hoping will come back into fashion. http://youtu.be/XzbzMYhZgDM * AUTECHRE VS WASHING MACHINE - possibly the most thrilling video we've watched in a while. This sounds like sarcasm, but it's genuinely, utterly exhilarating. http://www.youtube.com/watch * HARLEM SHAKE POOP EDITION - unsure about linking this as it's NSFW and utterly disgusting but it does nicely capture our contempt for the Harlem Shake meme. http://www.youtube.com/watch * HEY THERE'S A VIDEO ON TED THAT SUGGESTS THE PLANET ISN'T UTTERLY FUCKING DOOMED - we watched this and felt quite hopeful for a moment that our kids won't die in climate change scorched earth / flooding. Then we googled Allan Savory - the chap giving the talk - and found plenty of people saying his science doesn't add up. Oh well, good to feel hopeful about humanity's future, even for a few minutes. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Donkey Kong: Pauline Edition << A dad modifies the game ROM so that his three-year-old daughter can play as the girl and rescue Mario. This should probably be an option on all Mario games. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Redefining funny to mean shit since 1997 * THE OLD THERAPIST / THE RAPIST CONFUSION - tbl offers us a variation on the classic: http://www.therapieclinic.co.uk/ * JAPANESE GAMES COMPANY - suggested by manolith for what he mockingly calls our 'hilarious' funny names section. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winky_Soft * HE PLAYS THE PENISANO - ShodoPan asks us to read the name carefully for the musician on this CD. He also says, "I own this CD. It's pretty ordinary." We think you mean extraordinary, ShodoPan. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000003ES... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Code Injection Nifty game, where you 'inject' actions into your character and random monsters for differing results to guide you safely through levels of a maze. http://inject.craftyy.com ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Sheep Challenge Last week we asked you to manipulate sheep Your favourites included: * BAAA!: life's bittersweet tragedy as gently looping animation (augsav) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10938558 * BAAAAA!: deeply sordid glance into flock nightlife (The Silent Channel) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10938109 * BAAAAAAAA!: demented tribute to famed web freak Cyriak (DaveExclamationMark) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10937916 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheep/ >> New challenge: Vegetable Heads << This week's challenge is to picture celebrities and animals with vegetables for heads, for no other reason than it can be done. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/vegetable-heads/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BUS GAMES - hcr writes, "I regularly play this in real life catching the 19 home in Aberdeen. I thought I was being clever till my wife pointed out she raises the stakes - she walks towards the bus. Provided you catch the bus, you'll get home at the same time having got on the bus (and in the warm) sooner despite the longer journey." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WRIST WATCH E-INK HOOP THAT DISPLAYS TIME FROM ANY ROTATION - what with all the speculation about an Apple watch, this is what we'd like. * A ROCK FAMILY TREE OF LEFTISH SPLITTING - because we def need a diagram. * A VIRUS THAT DESTROYS ALL MP3s - not because we hate music, but the ubiquity of having all music available everywhere has stopped the recorded sound from being that special to us. (Obviously live music and making music is still fun.) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Hugs: [email protected] Shrugs: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @JudgeDewie, @YellowSphere, zog, @AnnMargaretC, ‏@uuilson, ‏@mattround, ‏@downatheel Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via PJP. Top tip via SonoraAeroClub. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Pretend you're sitting at a piano while at your desk at work by placing two upside-down spoons between your feet. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive