we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PRINT OFF AND BURN WHEN YOU KNOW THE NEW POPE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * R KELLY - and his musical twitching * TRENT REZNOR - Call Me Maybe mashup * YOKO ONO - lalalala uh uh uh uh eeeeow! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Fuck knows if the web ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lyrics, R Kelly and ponies >> R Kelly Cut << "Good morning," greets swedemason. "I butchered R Kelly's Jools Holland performance." An epic, slightly smug musical steam-train; if you only click one item out of the b3ta section, make it this 'un. http://www.b3ta.com/links/R_Kelly_Cut >> A history of lyric videos << "I did some fancy dynamic typography - and made a Brief History of Lyric Videos!" growls Tom Scott, tracking the graphics trend so beloved of today's hip and groovy record company executives. http://youtu.be/3P0BKrOlBVM >> Moonwalking Shetland Pony: The Sequel << "Fighting off raging hangovers made us a little bit sick of that dancing pony," explains Cope&Dalton. We'd like that particular ad a lot more if it had actually been for Scottish tourism, not trying so hard to shout "we make viral! lol!" http://bit.ly/X3bpkD ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Where did it all go wrong? Last week we wanted to know the tipping point that pushed your life downhill: http://b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/ * DOG - "I sent a CV for a job last week. I re-read it again today and as a placeholder in the skills section I'd written 'I once fucked a puppy' until I could think of a final skill to round it out. Then had forgotten to replace it. I've not heard back from them yet. It's a nice job and would allow me to work in a country I want to live. Maybe this will be where it all went wrong." (cumquat may) * DAD - "When I spotted two young women in micro-skirts walking towards me one November evening the first thought that crashed across my mind was, 'I bet their legs are cold.' I was 39." (Larry Death) * DUDS - "A young Emvee had been encouraged by his school to apply to Oxford and, with an interest in doing PPE at Jesus College, I attended an open day. I liked the university and understood that if the 'informal' chat with the Professor went well I'd be offered a place, so, along with about 20 others, I trooped into his study. He'd just got into his introduction when there was a knock at the door and this girl arrived late. She was a 10, no question, with beautiful brunette hair, lovely face and a stunning body - I was more or less smitten at first sight. Being late, there weren't any chairs left. The Professor rummaged around behind his desk and managed to find her a small stool to sit on directly opposite me. Even though she was wearing a long skirt, it had a split up the middle at the front. This and my 18 year-old libido were to prove my downfall as it allowed me a perfect view of her knickers. There I was, musing happily to myself, "Mmm, they're white, they're lacy and I can just about see a little bit of bush behind them" when I realised the study had gone quiet and everyone seemed to be looking at me. I'd been asked a question about the European Union or some such shit. I had to confess that I had no idea what they was talking about. I never got an offer and I didn't go to Oxford, all for a brief glimpse of gusset." (emvee) >> This Week - I HURT MY BITS AGAIN << It's been a while since we winced at your damaged genitalia so, go on, roll them out for us all to see: http://b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Call Me A Hole << Industrial rock meets jaunty pop, in one of those rare mash-ups that manages to seem, somehow, inevitable: Nine Inch Nails 'Head Like A Hole' vs. Carly Rae Jepsen's 'Call Me Maybe'. http://bit.ly/ZaEzJ8 >> Pet-shaming << Hangdog animals, pictured with hand-drawn signs that describe their embarrassing transgressions. eg. "I like to eat the crotches out of ladies' jeans." http://bit.ly/PI2GNn >> Roy Lichtenstein crap at comics shock << Tying in with the current Lichtenstein retrospective at the Tate, here are all the original comic panels copied by the fabulously successful pop artist. He did not make the best job of it. http://bit.ly/vd9lo >> Every Fucking Website << Embittered web designer creates the most stereotypical site in the world. http://everyfuckingwebsite.com/ >> 1970s council website << The northern UK borough of Scarfolk has never progressed 1979. Quaint news, scares and graphic design of that long-ago period. http://scarfolk.blogspot.co.uk/ >> Behind the scenes Bond pics << From back when Bond was in its prime - yep, these are 60s pics, campy, full of weird energy and strange, sexy people. Who are now pensioners. http://bit.ly/Wal59P >> Thumbs & ammo << Movie tough guys don't really need guns - just a cheery thumbs-up. http://www.thumbsandammo.blogspot.co.uk/ >> The Express front page bingo << The Express is a very special paper - like the Daily Mail's less gifted brother - and it likes to stick with what it knows. Interesting, bingo-themed article tracking their 12 most well-worn subjects. http://bit.ly/ZXYptl ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Yoko Ono's Good Life theme << Crowd-pleasing Ono belts out a spectacular rendition of the iconic 70s sitcom melody. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The Runner << One of the runners on Call the Midwife shot this on his lunchbreaks - nice little slice of life on showbusiness's bottom rung. http://buff.ly/YEjZUF >> Anti-retouch Photoshop action << Inventive campaign from Dove, ambushing art directors who retouch the pictures used in ads. Slightly mis-targeted, of course, since art directors generally don't make the call on these things, so it just makes them feel bad about their job. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Mila Kunis interview off-script << A PR junket-fatigued Mila Kunis turns the tables on her Radio 1 interviewer and disarmingly engages him in a meandering conversation that eventually leads to her agreeing to a night out with him and his mates at a Nandos in Watford. http://ind.pn/ZbRRbI ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Not funny but you don't read comedy newsletters for laughs do you? * Nominative determinism at The Times - Considering the seriousness of this crime it's in pretty poor taste to get this guy to report on it. They could at least used a pseudonym like Ivanna Fukkids. http://pic.twitter.com/EgnZkL7Kse * REGULATION LOLS - possibly the least funny thing you'll ever see. Promise you won't smile. http://bit.ly/W8c1m4 ------------------------------------------------- : LONG THINGS TO READ ON YOUR AMAZON SWINDLE Should you be on a bus or something Our reading habit at the moment is to scoot around Twitter for 5 mins, hoovering up long, interesting articles. We then copy them to the Kindle using a Chrome plug-in that simply Alt + K magically fires them to your choice of reading device. Then we go back to bed. Stuff we've read (and enjoyed) this week includes: * LONG, MOVING, TRAGIC ACCOUNT OF THE AARON SWARTZ INVESTIGATION - Quite what the difference is between America and the darkest days of the Soviet Union is anyone's guess. http://bit.ly/ZTSaqi * HISTORY OF US ASSASSINATION - published on the rather good NSFWCorp site run by Paul Carr, who some of you maybe remember for running B3ta newsletter rival The Friday Project. Good to see Paul doing so well and investing in journalism. We also liked the perspective-turning statement that described post-Watergate as a "brief period of American Glasnost." https://www.nsfwcorp.com/dispatch/assassinations/ * MUSING ON ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - what happens if/when we create an intelligence greater than our own? Reminds us a little of the 1970 movie Colossus: The Forbin Project. http://bit.ly/YQQU6h * WOMAN HAS 25 DATES IN ONE NIGHT - pretty sure we've featured @C_T_S's blog at some point - she's been on a 52-date mission and how can you top that? By doing similar in a night. Definitely one to read on a Kindle as the font choice is mind bending. http://bit.ly/13EM2XK ------------------------------------------------- : APP OF THE WEEK Citymapper A London travel app that has literally changed our lives - we're finally not lost in London. Even South London. You simply type where you want to go and it tells you which bus, train, etc to get. It's basically like a version of TFL Journey Planner that actually works. http://citymapper.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Patriarchy Challenge Last week we demanded you smash the patriarchy. And you smashed its face. Your favourites included: * CHAT: where someone will always listen, albeit via premium rate phone line (The Silent Channel) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934865 * BOTTOM: classic Athena poster given the kind of makeover you cannot un-see (The Twisted Omentum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934895 * SHOES: a small step for man, a dainty skip for womankind (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934413 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smash-the-patriarchy... >> New challenge: Sheep! << Sheep are amazing. They're bundles of fluffy white joy, yet they're utterly stupid. This makes them perfect subjects for this week's image challenge. Which is what they are http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheep/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * KUNT EDINBURGH SHOW - watch it in full here - called 'Kunt's On Daytime TV Edinburgh' and, despite being long and just Kunt rambling away on stage, it's extremely watchable. http://www.youtube.com/watch * UNDEADTEDS CONQUER AMERICA - NobbyNobody remembers to big us up by saying, "Thanks to the exposure UndeadTeds received through the B3ta Newsletter it's all gone a bit mad. One of my horrible, little bears appeared with Toni Braxton and Anderson Cooper on CNN's national syndicated talk show 'Anderson Live'" http://www.b3ta.com/links/UndeadTeds_conquers_Amer... * SUPERPOWERLESS KEEPS ON WITH DRAWING MASTERCLASS - apparently he's earned more selling £5 drawings of people's profile pics than he's done doing music in the last few months. http://bit.ly/15Cfaxp ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MONEY FOR OLD ROPE - first we need to collect some old rope. * BACON THAT DOESN'T KILL YOU - rather depressed about all this stuff about processed meat giving you cancer. * WASHING MACHINES THAT TAKE 10 MINS TO WASH CLOTHES - for fucks sake technology - why does this shit take so long? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Engaged: [email protected] Separation: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- I like my women like I like my coffee. Thoughtful, funny and defiant against the patriarchy. Sorry, I'm shit at ordering coffee. ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mozza, ‏@thesaharadesert, @lespence, UltimateMonkey, ‏@SetecAstronomy, ‏@mrmarkreed, ‏@lizziegolucky, @chthonicionic, @welsh_gas_doc and SpookySpoon. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips via (username failed moderation) Subjlols via The Twisted Omentum ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Vegetarians! Make people think you're not a vegetarian by eating a Big Mac. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive