we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ATHLETE'S LEGS FOUND IN LASAGNE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BLACK METAL - Interior design * LIFE ADVICE - From machines * GOATS - Yelling like humans ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We are saving, we ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Smoking, salami, shakes, offcuts & fighting >> Marco Doobio << Smearballs goes from strength to strength with these little satire spots for Conan. Here, Republican senator Marco Rubio gives his response to Obama's State of the Union address. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Marco_Doobio >> Petsalami << "I saw this cute dog doing something funny or whatever, I don't remember..." begins MattiasKallio. "Anyway, it was on Petsami. I read it wrong and got Petsalami instead, I thought that was funny so." Please forward to as many gullible people as possible. http://www.petsalami.com/ >> Rolling Harlem Shake << "Inspired by that vine peek thing we were all looking at last week," confesses Tom Devart, "here's a real time (ish) feed of Harlem Shake videos." Formulaic yet endlessly inventive. http://www.harlempeek.com/ >> Animated offcuts << "Any danger of squeezing my dodgy-looking selection of Offcuts in your newsletter?" inquires Chipping Sodbury. Sorry, buddy, we don't like quick-fire gags and Gilliamesque animation. http://vimeo.com/59293888 >> YouTube interactive fighting << "I made this interactive fighting video that turns YouTube into a real life XBOX 360! or close enough anyhow," brags Faceburger. Clever, but would be improved if you could actually punch YouTube commenters, in their actual, real-life faces. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Utterly Drunk Last week we wanted your stupid 'I got drunk and pooed on a car' stories. Yay! Now go read buffet_the_appetite_slayer's story of alcoholic misery and redemption: http://b3ta.com/questions/utterlydrunk/ * PEACH - "On a stag weekend in Budapest we decided we had to try the national tipples. One was the hilariously-monikered Unicum, the other is Palinka, which is drunk in a stemmed glass and comes in various flavours ranging from "really quite nice" to "somebody shoot me please." One evening saw us in a cool cellar bar getting a couple more beers before our taxi arrived. Suspended above our heads was a giant green glass ball with a tap on the bottom. Truly it was a beauteous thing to see. "What's that?" "Palinka" replied the barmaid "Honeyed peach flavour!" We looked at each other. Honeyed peach! That sounded delicious! Two were ordered, and downed at the bar. Ho. Lee. Fuck. O_o. Honeyed peach? Undead peaches in diesel, more like. We gasped, spluttered, swore, clung to the bar as our consciousness wavered, then staggered back to where the rest of the group was sitting. Not only did beer completely fail to mask the taste, but everyone made us sit at the far end of the table as the smell was making them all feel sick." (Professor Kenny Martin) * TRAIN - "Getting the last train from London to Exeter can turn a lovely drunken sleepy commute into a half dazed nightmare should you wake up in Plymouth or Penzance (I've done both.) But this train terminated at Exeter so I was happy to knock back a few tins of gin, showed my ticket and pass out into my Chuck Palahnuik safe in the knowledge I'd not overshoot into another country. When I awoke the train had indeed stopped in Exeter, only quite a few hours before. Everyone had alighted, the inspector checked the carriages, the driver pulled into the sidings, switched off all the lights, locked up and gone home. Half dazed nightmare doesn't cover it. At least the swishy doors between carriages don't switch off so as you stumble back and forth in panic it's a bit like a shit episode of Star Trek. Calling 999 ('Ummm, I'm locked on a train') the police told me to wait for the controller, who finally located me and helped me off. 'I bet this happens all the time', I said rather sheepishly to my saviour. He looked at me witheringly. 'No'." (garetha) * POO - "I got stuck in the sunroof of a car. I was trying to have a poo on the windscreen and the glass gave way." (Wooflington Pig) >> This Week - LOL BIGOTS! << Tell us stories of bigots, racists, sexists, homophobes and loud-mouths so that we may point and laugh: http://b3ta.com/questions/lolbigots/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Gangster Bankers: Too Big to Jail << Got to love Matt Tiabbi, the Rolling Stone journalist who once described Goldman Sachs as a "great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money." His latest is on a round of banking scandals, where the authorities admit it's too dangerous to jail the culprits, despite them being caught red handed laundering drug and terrorist money. http://rol.st/UiVY5b >> You had one job... << In what could be a sequel to the minor internet meme "there, I fixed it" comes a collection of photos of inept work. Keep pressing the right key and occasionally smirk. It's like wanking for your smile muscles. http://hadonejob.com/ >> A New Hope Via DNS << Oh old B3tans, remember telnetting into towel.blinkenlights.nl to get an ascii version of Star Wars? Your wait for a slight (unofficial) sequel is finally over. Simply traceroute to 216.81.59.173 http://bit.ly/VXHWlV >> Life advice from machines << Error messages as self-help? Oh god we're getting nostalgic about error messages now - how a Read Error B was always worse than a Read Error A. http://lifeadvicefrommachines.tumblr.com/ >> Place map of rude names << Here's a list of places to visit, then ask the locals, "is this Cocking Fuckberry?" whilst they look at you with the contempt you deserve. http://maps.geotastic.org/rude/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if a Casio Camera Watch was colour!!! >> Black Metal interior design << Your new favourite death metal band takes interior design rather seriously. Gigglesome. Reminds us Adam Curtis's comedy advice: take silly stuff seriously. eg. a deadpan news report about a skateboarding dog. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Metal_Interior_Des... >> Goats yelling like humans compilation << Unsure if this is dubbed or not - it certainly doesn't sound like the goats in Kentish Town City Farm. (You should visit; one is named flopsy because he's been castrated.) http://bit.ly/12RvN9A >> Kittens vs. Sock Ninjas << Inspired bit of video compositing - green screen some ninja blokes and make them fight cats. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kittens_vs_Sock_Ninjas >> Vic 'n' Bob pop music show pilot << A largely-forgotten 30-minute pilot from the early 90s, featuring some truly shit bands - Cud & a girl group with Martine McCutcheon in it. Strangely fascinating. TV from a decade that we almost remember, but not quite like this. http://bit.ly/15xNZ7y >> Darwin Deez - You Can't Be My Girl << Genius use of stock footage to make creepy singer even more creepy. Wish we'd thought of it. http://bit.ly/XryrMb ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH The most adorable frog you will ever see! When disturbed the Namaqua rainfrog has the ability to inflate to twice its size and squeek like a child's toy. Cute - he thinks he's being scary. Pixar will probably base their next cutefest on this little cunt and earn enough money to shit on the Moon. http://bit.ly/XryszC ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Actually names for once * FLUSH THE PATRIARCHY DOWN THE BOG - Ashley Kennerley writes to us to say, "The name of this company is a stroke of genius." Indeed, although it sounds like there isn't much stroking allowed. http://www.stopcocks.co.uk/ * OH MY COCK, MY ACHEY BREAKY COCK - Fray Brentos writes, "Just been sent to me by a colleague. Think he can get some cream for that." http://www.linkedin.com/pub/akin-koc/b/257/b40 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Panda Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the panda's rare splendour Your favourites included: * TOPICAL: that's the last time this cute fella buys any of that cheap Findus bamboo (Frogbeat) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10927373 * STOVE: turn your hob into a living, breathing panda face, or something (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10928832 * MYSTERIOUS: Peter the Panda is a secret agent from Seattle, but his life is unexciting (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10929553 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pandas/ >> New challenge: Sex-Up Literature << Sales are plummeting, apart from 50 Shades of Grey, which has been the saviour of bookshops everywhere. The answer is obvious: literature needs to be sexier for it to survive. Your job this week is to make it so. Challenge suggested by Paul_P. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexybooks/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT Follow-ups on previous stories. * SHED OF THE YEAR 2013 - "It's that time of the year when I leave my shed and post here," writes wilco. Because, once again, entry is open to the prestigious Shed of the Year competition. There's already a strong field, but you have until May 3rd to get your own entry in: http://bit.ly/13madWv * HOW TO DRAW REALLY GOOD: SONIC - Superpowerless continues his series of art tutorials that show you how to get that classic, in-the-head look. "If in doubt," he writes, "add more fingers." http://bit.ly/VOtaU6 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MONEY TREES - we've looked all over the gardening centre for these but the staff first pretended to laugh then finally asked us to leave. * 3D PRINTED FOOD - surely it's only a matter of time before we pour in sugar, protein and fat then print out our own horse-burgers? * NANOBOTS THAT KEEP OUR TOENAILS TRIMMED - and don't write any naughty viruses that make them snip off our cocks. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Let's have kids: [email protected] Trial separation: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by TheTrampSurveyor, Legless, Mert, dr_mx, gavindixon, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Fray Brentos, ThunderThrust, Captain Howdy, Jabberwoc & Faceburger. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Gruffi. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Website owners: Need money to fund your extravagant lifestyle full of hookers and cocaine? Disable the search function on your website and then ask people to donate money to 'fix' it. (2 Can Chunder) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive