we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "100% HORSEMEAT. NO BULL." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * IMAGE CHALLENGE - Stop motions * OKCUPID - Meets Horse_ebooks * CHARLIE BROOKER - vs shopping channel ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We are the world.com ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> Dog vs. Paddling Pool - The Translation << "First one I've put up in about a year," admits Slurpy J, modern-day Johnny Morris of the internet. "I've been working on something else, but missed you guys." http://bit.ly/11usgyr >> Beast-roaster << "Morning sirs," greets Goddam. "Got a thing. It's a roast beast calculator. For working out how long you need to roast your beef, pork, lamb, goose, chicken or duck." Sadly for topicality, no horse. http://justroast.it >> Kill The Noise - animated slaughter << Splatterpunk claymation pioneer leehardcastle is back with more bloody plasticine mayhem that he presents here without comment. He's probably on call, in case Morph needs an autopsy. http://bit.ly/XsDyuK >> Harry Clayton-Wright Video CV << "My friend Harry's looking for a job since recently moving to London," reveals woahbot. "I helped him spruce up his CV by making it into a video. Hopefully jobs will magic themselves out of the corporate blue-sky and synergise face first into his groin!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Harry_Clayton_Wright_Vid... >> You May Not Mean To Hurt Me (But You Do) << "I've done a video for a chap called Sam Sallon," writes HappyToast. Melancholy little tune about unrequited love - nice twiddly guitars. http://bit.ly/11usllH ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK (More) Pet Stories Last week we asked for stories of excellent (and rubbish) pets in honour of Scaryduck's recently deceased dog. http://b3ta.com/questions/morepetstories/ * POOL - "I used to live at a pub which my dad ran. We got a black cat - black as the dead of night. One day she got inside the pool table. A few minutes later one of the regulars came in, put his money in and released the balls. As he reached in to pick them up, a black furry paw shot out, swatted him on the back of the hand and disappeared back inside the table. He screamed and nearly shat himself in fright; the rest of the pub nearly shat themselves laughing." (Professor Kenny Martin) * HAIR - "I've a pet snake. Not the brightest spark: she'll like tie herself into knots and then panic, or 'hide' by burying her head and thinking she's safe, not realising that the other two feet of her is sticking out in the open... Anyway, a few weeks ago I was holding her while reading and she crawled under my hair. This isn't too unusual: I have very long hair, so it's warm and dark and pretty much snake heaven. This time, however, I sneezed. Sudden noises make snakes panic and she instinctively curled up into a ball, weaving herself into my hair, knotting herself in. I tried pulling her out gently, but she was pretty freaked and just clung tighter. So I tried leaving her to crawl out on her own, but happy in her safe place, she dozed off. By now I'm panicking: there's a snake stuck in my hair, and she's been known to sleep for days. A friend rang to ask if I was going to the pub. I whispered franticly, 'I might be late! I have a snake stuck in my hair!' In the end, after 40 minutes, I managed to coax her out with a defrosted mouse." (Sivvus) * TURD - "When I was 15 I was at my friend's house for dinner. In full view through the window, the family dog did a shit in the garden and subsequently ate it. The dog ran quickly back into the house and vomited up its own shit next to us onto the carpet whilst we were still eating. The resulting vomity/shit stench was unlike anything I've had the misfortune of experiencing before or since. I couldn't finish my dinner." (l0bst3r) >> This Week - THE NAUGHTY STEP << When was the last time you were properly told off? Tell us about memorable punishments you've experienced, or damn good ones you've dished out: http://b3ta.com/questions/thenaughtystep/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Alternative lady Doctor Who << Wonderfully thought-out alternative history of a non-sexist Doctor Who. Now do James Bond please. http://www.scifind.com/features/the-other-11-docto... >> GIF search engine << Although they resisted the urge to call it gifoogle.com http://giphy.com/ >> Litterplugs << Obeying the letter, if not the spirit, of not strewing rubbish everywhere - the strange phenomenon of 'litterplugs', where people stow garbage in unexpectedly creative places. Anything goes, as long as it doesn't touch the ground. http://cabel.me/2013/02/04/litterplugs/ >> The slow paparazzo << Celebrity photos, without the celebrity. Spookily empty scenes, where the subject has just stepped out of the frame. http://theywerejusthere.tumblr.com/ >> Clever dental floss ad << Capitalising on your tendency to home in on the most obvious defect... http://bit.ly/11usnKl >> Where the fuck should I go for drinks? << Rude, fulfills a social need, entertainingly random: it suggested we go drink at our local kebab shop. http://www.wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/ >> Isolated family unaware of WWII << Fearing religious persecution, this Russian family cut themselves off from all human contact for over 40 years in the most inhospitable conditions imaginable. Rediscovered in 1978, because someone happened to fly over their house in a helicopter... http://bit.ly/11usrK0 >> OK Cupid meets Horse-ebooks << Notoriously gnomic Twitterbot has its capabilities extended to baiting lonely men through online dating chat. Like SkyNet gaining sentience, but less atomic war, more sexual frustration. http://okcebooks.tumblr.com >> Things fitting perfectly into things << Soothe your OCD tendencies, with this gallery of unrelated objects that nonetheless tessellate perfectly. And if they can do it, why can't we, eh? Why can't we? http://thingsfittingperfectlyintothings.tumblr.com... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a load of shitty vids on the internet >> Charlie Brooker shopping channel << Delightful moment where a C4 broadcast interrupts a shopping channel sales pitch. Almost too good to be true. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charlie_Brooker_Shopping... >> Cat vs dominoes << We almost couldn't be bothered to watch this, imagining that a cat knocking over some dominoes would be extremely tedious - yet we raised our apathetic clicking finger and were mightily entertained. http://www.b3ta.com/links/cat_and_dominos >> 12 y/o sends Hello Kitty 17 Miles into Space. << Amazing what can be done on a relatively low budget these days. Might be a bit cruel to stick a hamster into something like this but if we've thought of it then so has someone else. http://bit.ly/11usvt7 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Choose your own adventure flash game 10 years in the making, the game is set in the early 1980s, during a period of Cold War tension, and you play a kid in a first-world democracy on lunch break. Amusing. http://www.atrianglemorning.com/games/flash.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Don't Visit Britain Challenge Last week we wanted you to show how rubbish the UK is. Your favourites included: * DEPARTURE: in which the Irish Sea decides, quite frankly, that it's had enough (Ham o' Shatner) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10921620 * GANDALF: the UK Border Agency's newest recruit sets a high barrier for entry (xandmi) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10919828 * LIST: extensive catalogue of anti-entry propaganda in handy poster form (Mighty Nibus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10919360 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britain-is-rubbish/ >> New challenge: Stop Motion Animation << "Have we ever had a stop motion challenge?", asked Monkeon. "Stop motion animation is lovely". No we haven't. So break out the wobbly tripods and get creating. For that is this week's task http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stop-motion/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TEA WITH FRIENDS - after the horrors of Facebook app "Bang with Friends" what about a soft, nicer idea? Click on people you'd secretly like to have a cup of tea with. * YOUTUBA - Simon asks, "How about Youtuba.com - a site full of interesting Tuba based videos? Or Youtuna.com, full of Tuna based videos? Or Youtudor.com, full of Tudor based videos? Or...." * AN APP FOR BUSTING GHOSTS - carrying around all the kit is getting to be a drag. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Users : [email protected] Losers: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ‏@alexhern, @flashboy, Dawn Of The Bread, ‏‏@Manboet, @party_shaun, Matt Round, robneymcplum, TheTrampSurveyor, Sharcore, ‏@lauriepink, ‏@webade Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Captain Howdy. ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP: If you happen to get ejaculate on your carpet, for whatever reason, don't confuse the cleaning instructions with that of candle wax. Ironing a piece of kitchen roll over the stain does not remove it, it just makes it worse and your front room smells of warm jizz... (robneymcplum) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive