we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CALM DOWN DEAR. IT'S JUST A NEWSLETTER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * OBAMA - Cassetteboy inauguration * SORRY - Your finest apologies * DIRTY - hateful Scrabble tips ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the best ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> match.com - Meet Jeff << "Those match.com adverts suck," claims woahbot. "They don't portray online 'dating' like they should — so we've taken matters into our own hands and made our own." The camera just loves ad star Log. http://www.b3ta.com/links/match_com_Meet_Jeff >> Very Specific Facebook Graph Searches << Web ubernaut Tom Scott has been playing around with Facebook's new Graph Search. The results can be narrowed down to a slightly alarming degree. Companies that employ people who like "Racism", anyone? http://actualfacebookgraphsearches.tumblr.com/ >> Bored Stiff << "A disgusting little animation called Bored Stiff," explains Man in a Cat scribe Ian Ravenscroft. Ugh. Never go to hospital. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bored_Stiff >> Cheesy 50s brain-melt << "This is all made from an old piece of film footage about the wonders of capitalism or something," scribbles Cyriak. Watch it HD if you can. http://bit.ly/Ys7QnT >> Obama's Cassetteboy inauguration << Barack Obama's way with words takes a new dimension, with the help of Cassetteboy. "We spent most of last night cutting up Obama's Inaugural Address. Here's what we pasted back together." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Sorry Last week we asked you to write letters of apology to those you have wronged. We still can't work out the confession of murder on their daughter's wedding day: http://b3ta.com/questions/sorry/ * MARKER - "While working as the sales manager of (probably) the last CDR manufacturer in the UK, times were tough. We took on a few extra jobs to pay the bills, one of which was packing U2 CDs, inserts and promo stickers into jewel cases before boxing them up for distribution. The whole factory got involved, but not being very good at mindless tedium, I amused myself autographing one or two discs. Nothing fancy, just things like "Enjoy! Bono," and "All the best, Bono." So, I would like to humbly apologise to any excited, little U2 fans (particularly if they are big, scary, violent, baseball-bat-wielding little U2 fans) who thought they had got their hands on something unique, personal and special, especially if they showed them off to their U2-loving friends, and especially especially if their friends were slightly skeptical about the idea of Bono standing in the CD production line with a magic marker, and extracted the piss by the gallon. Sorry." (blyerkit) * LETTER - "At primary school I had an odd teacher who, if you did something wrong, would make you write a letter of apology to him. If it was really bad, you'd have to write several. I was new and didn't really understand the point when I did something wrong and was told to write five letters of apology. Not understanding, I wrote "S O R R Y" He went batshit while I stood there wondering what the fuck was going on. "But you said five letters! There are five letters!" (inflateable) * PROMOTER - "Kate. I feel I must explain. I was supposed to be meeting a promoter I had never met before, in the pub before the gig when you arrived early. I guess the reason I said what I said was your short hair, small breasts and gender neutral clothing. I guess I can't be held completely responsible but I am sorry that the band all burst out with laughter and caused you to run out of the pub when I innocently asked you if you were Geoff and you replied, "No I'm Kate". They were laughing at me, not you, I promise." (PhillieJoe) >> This Week - SELF IMPORTANT << Tell us tales of jumped-up officials, the mad, old bloke who runs the Neighbourhood Watch like it's a military operation, Colonel Blimps, pompous bastards and people stuck up their own arse. http://b3ta.com/questions/selfimportant/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Weird and bizarre hotel reviews. << Nicely done, Tumblr; saving you the effort of digging through the text, just finding the nugget of funny and fucking off. http://tripadvisaargh.tumblr.com/ >> Retro web pr0n << The first porn image on a computer screen was in A. 1980? B. 1990 or C. 1970? Bzzzt, wrong. It was 1956. http://bit.ly/XC1YST >> Vine - video loop sharing app << This is the week that Twitter launches Vine, a long-form photo experiment that gives you 6 seconds of video in a loop. Fun to make deffo, but haven't made up our minds how fun it is to watch other people's yet. Basically, animated gifs with sound - You're The Man Now Dog & Flickr will be a bit peeved if this takes off. Here's our quick go, giving you a guide to the cups of our kitchen. Install the app to your phone if you fancy a play. http://vine.co/v/b5t9qhrZgZm >> Porno-postboxes << Remember the 'Planning Notices in Brighton' bloke? Well, he's called Phil Lucas and is an occasional stand-up comedian, and most recently has been sticking rude signs to postboxes. Read them here, before he's arrested on a jumped-up terrorism charge. http://bit.ly/VbLd0p >> Darkest confessions of anonymous creatives << We've got a friend who's the creative director of an ad agency - do you know his secret? Colour blind. Doesn't dare tell the clients. http://www.thecreativeconfessional.com/ >> M&S padded man pants << Yep, now you can pretend you have a large cock, rather than the embarrassing smoothness between your legs that means you've never been with a lady. Am I right boys? How the fuck this is right for cosiest of brands M&S isn't for us to guess. http://bit.ly/ne8b81 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like an unlooping Vine >> How to play dirty at Scrabble << Five minutes on how to improve your Scrabble game and make your friends utterly hate you. The trick? Be defensive, cut off the board from the other player and make up words. Tsk. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Javascript is the new Rock'n'Roll << We recently met a gentleman by the name of Circuit Ben (name changed by deedpoll!) who makes synths and music circuits for a living. He recommended we watch a 30-minute-long video about how to code music in Javascript. This might not be funny ha ha for everyone, but we found it fascinating. Love the whole code = music stuff going on. Overtone is incredible too, but javascript is easier to pick up and play, as it's already there in your browser. http://bit.ly/NlLH5X >> Teabag Mousepad << Frankly frightening video where a child's voice is overdubbed by some big geezer. Wonder if there's any instant weirdness doing the idea the other way round? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Teabag_Mousepad:2 >> Ice Cream Van vs Prince Harry << In one of the most obvious bullshit set-up scenes ever filmed, pretend hardman Prince "I bagged a Johnny Foreigner, what ho!" Harry pulls out of a TV interview to do Army maneuvers. Nicely mocked with a little bit of music here. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ice_Cream_Van >> Mehdi makes a rail gun << You didn't think the world needed a Tommy Cooper of electronics demonstration videos but you were wrong. Second time we've featured Mehdi. Go him! http://bit.ly/Y3sq9Y ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY Trek in the City Spun-off from the fact that Kim Cattrall, the actor who played cougar Samantha in Sex in the City, also had a part in Star Trek VI, the tweets combine sci-fi babble with stuff about shoes. https://twitter.com/trekandthecity ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Gay Robots Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the wonderful world of gay robots. Actually, we didn't because we were worried it would all turn out a bit homophobic - but it was voted for and we were stuck with it. Your favourites included: * QUIT: like Brokeback Mountain, but with pixel stetsons (Lumpbucket) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10913249 * SPACE: rare glimpse of heuristically programmed algorithmic goatse (drbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10912098 * PLUG: unconventional socket for homoerotic household (Moon Girl Technologies) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10911493 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gay-robots/ >> New challenge: Sausages II << This week's challenge revisits familiar yet fertile territory: sausages. Celebrate their power and meaty magnificence through the gift of Photoshop. Sausages. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/son-of-sausages/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HOW THE 'MAJOR KEY VERSION OF MINOR KEY SONGS' HACK WORKS - spoiler in two words "Celemony Melodyne" - which isn't the name of a 14 year old Serge Gainsbourg tried to bugger. http://bit.ly/XCIBch ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TWITTER BOTS TO CURE TWITTER ADDICTION - Can someone write a twitter bot that we can follow that posts every hour, "Hey, you're on twitter a lot. Haven't you got work to do?" Thanks. * MORE EFFECTIVE PHONE SCREENING - Phones should automatically google any incoming number you don't recognise. We want to be pre-warned before picking up. * PENIS SWAPS - Swapping the key noun in an aphorism with "penis" improves them: beating a dead penis; wake up & smell the penis; bad workman blames his penis. No idea where we're going with this. Oh, absence makes the penis grow harder. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Suck off: [email protected] Fuck off: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue writted by Rob "Heathcliff" Manuel with David "Garfield" Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tyronne, quigonjim, Fork, Figmaus, combatcameraman, zacherynuk. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Halibut. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When eating fruit pastilles, as soon as you find your favourite flavour is next, stop eating from that end of the packet. Open the other end and eat from that side instead. That way your last fruit pastille will be your favourite and you won't be left with lime-flavoured disappointment. (Draconacticus) AND FINALLY - tonynibbles has written an 'advice slip' site that reads like the kind of stuff we might occasionally stick in as a top tip. So here you go: http://adviceslip.com/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive