we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FINALLY Y2K COMPLIANT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * STEVE JOBS VID - Mad, bad & dead * CRAPPING PAPER - Wonderfully thoughtless wrap * HOME ALONE - Burglars' injuries analysed ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Apple, Homophobia, Hearing & Wrapping Paper >> Steve Jobs (Enslaved With Shiny Things) << Ginger Fuhrer, Superpowerless & Peepholecircus are working together again and have produced a wonderful song about Jobs and his shitty digital handcuff products. It'll be broadcast on TV too - in a C4 production called Mashed, featuring lots of B3tans work - broadcast Friday 28th December 2012, 11.40pm, Channel 4. Huzzah. http://bit.ly/Tc2QPY >> Homosexual Activity (SPOOF TRAILER) << "If the pope made a gay marriage horror movie, this is what it would look like..." claims a wildly sweating teaandcheese. Don't fret - we're *satirising* bigotry and making the world safe for democracy. http://bit.ly/Tc2Qj4 >> Billy 2.0 - Go go Gadget Ears << "A month since the operation," updates b3tan helmsdeep, "And two days since my cochlear implant was switched on. The whole thing felt weird and made me have a whitey. WARNING: Contains drug references." http://wlmager.com/billy-2-0-coming-up-on-an-e/ >> Crapping Paper™ "A stupid thing I crapped out, just in time for those last minute presents you didn't really think about," confesses copybeard. "It's the wrapping paper that ruins the surprise!™" Ingenious, because this way you can claim all your gifts are 'tongue in cheek'. http://crappingpaper.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : BOOK OF THE WEEK TV Reviews - Victor Lewis-Smith Your Ginger Fuhrer occasionally works for VLS, making titles for his C4 documentaries. We mention this, as VLS has a great book out and we tried to badger him for an interview but he doesn't do interviews. Very wise. But you should read the book, and find out exactly where characters like Charlie Brooker got their TV review schtick from. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00ANUSCA... ------------------------------------------------- : WTF? Scaryduck has done a book! "If you've nothing else better for the newsletter," interjects Scaryduck, "I've finally finished the book that took me five years, a divorce and two nervous breakdowns to write. It's a comedy thriller about geeks and nerds and has a b3ta meme or two in it. "People wouldn't stop asking if there was going to be a version in Comic Sans (The Font of Champions), so I did a version in Comic Sans (The Font of Champions)" Read some extracts and Scary's blurb: http://bit.ly/XUmbUx Buy it right now, as you know you must: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00AP6OJJ... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Overcoming Adversity We asked how you'd overcome adversity. You lot decided to tell stories about putting things up your arse, and then got owned by a guy with Crohn's disease who no longer has an arse: http://b3ta.com/questions/overcomingadversity/ * SHIFTED - "My Grandad lost his left arm fighting against Franco in the Spanish Civil War. He was a Welsh miner but, like many others, was willing to lose his life in the fight against fascism. He returned to the UK after a long stint in a PoW camp and, with his buddy who had also lost an arm, started up a REMOVALS company. Yep - who needs two arms to shift furniture around?" (l0bst3r) * PATCHED - "Well, after being told it would happen for over 30 years, I've now gone blind in my left eye. On the downside, I walk into things a lot and miss when I try to pick up stuff. I also can't ride my bike anymore. On the upside, I can now legitimately dress as a pirate for fancy dress parties. Yarr." (Smash Monkey) * STRAINED - "Once managed to ejaculate after drinking 9 pints of Guinness. Almost severed a wrist tendon to get there mind." (Merry Fitmas and an Eppy New Year) >> This Week - RELIEF << Last week, Scaryduck thought he'd run over and killed something to find he'd squished a bin bag. What was not as grim as you first thought? http://b3ta.com/questions/qotwrelief/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Best book jackets << Cover gallery, with such treats as Taschen's reversible 'panic jackets', that make porno look like philosophy. http://pinterest.com/pin/2322237279511947/ >> Home Alone burglars - a doctor writes << Doctor examines the real-world consequences of the numerous injuries inflicted on the hapless bandits by prepubescent Macaulay Culkin in the Chris Columbus Christmas classic. http://bit.ly/SYarDM >> Soup in the movies << Every scene, from every film. As long as it involves or references soup. http://www.soupsong.com/imovies.html >> Mysterious, magical basement << Exploration of an amazing, WWI-era basement in Portland, Oregon. The stuff on the wall is fascinating. http://cabel.me/2012/12/19/the-basement/ >> 12 letters that didn't make the alphabet << Fascinating historical overview of the 27th- to 38th-best letters of the English alphabet. http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/156077 >> CITV to broadcast classic kids TV << For two days in January, you and your kids can watch the children's shows of your childhood: Supergran, Duckula, The Tomorrow People, Art Attack, Raggy Dolls etc. This will teach them a valuable lesson about nostalgia. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-20780... >> Funniest autocorrects of 2012 << You might try to act so jaded, you may promise yourself not to giggle, but it's all in vain. Yes, this even wrested a smirk from our thin-lipped, stoney faces. http://bit.ly/12yy6eS >> 100 internet things you should have seen 2012 << You need to retain your nerd cred at the point in the New Year party when everybody starts showing each other YouTube videos. This is the definitive list you need. What, at your parties people start to make out instead? Well, to each their own, buddy. http://www.youshouldhaveseenthis2012.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> The most easily scared man in the World? << Interview with the star of a number of popular internet startle videos. Blurs the line between hilarity and workplace bullying, but he genuinely seems into it. http://bit.ly/UN1Uzs >> Cooking for one << Henry's Kitchen talks you through how to prepare a nutritious and fulfilling meal for just yourself. To eat, alone in your empty apartment. http://bit.ly/ZocHHg >> Skull-fucking and lesbian scissors << Viral-schmiral shows what your possessions get up to when you're not looking, the dirty bastards. Santa! Nooo! http://bit.ly/12tTsLo >> Christmas in 47 seconds << Nicely apt bit of newsreel-based bah humbuggery. http://bit.ly/WuyHuD ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still junk but we always run it Anon writes, "I know you despair at the low-brow humour that is Funny Name Corner, so maybe this week you could introduce a bit of culture. Allow me to introduce Baroque organists and composers, Johann Fux and Samuel Scheidt. Hopefully this week's Funny Name Corner will be less fuxing scheidt." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Fux http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Scheidt ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME A Blocky Christmas Finally, a flash game where you play a magnet. At Christmas. Level 12 is hard. But then so is our penis, or at least it used to be, in the 1990s. http://bartbonte.com/ablockychristmas/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Accidents Challenge Last week we wanted you to picture accidents waiting to happen Your favourites included: * HULK: elderly wrestler prepares to unleash terror on unsuspecting city (Frogbeat) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896240 * COLOUR: unfortunate recruit prepares for stereotypical early exit from TV show (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896290 * LOUD: spectacular, card-based construction quietly stalked by bellowing foe (Dristmas) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896514 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/accidents/ >> New challenge: Bizarre Facts << Under the Wildlife and Countryside Act it is explicitly illegal in Britain to use a machine gun to kill a hedgehog. This week's challenge is to find similarly bizarre facts, and Photoshop the ass out of them. Challenge suggested by Jabberwoc http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bizarrefacts/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA GAZETTE Births, death & marriages * RIP PRINTMEISTER - Sad news, as long-time b3ta legend Printmeister has passed away. A truly talented, funny guy, who made a lot of people laugh, here's the tribute page with some of his greatest hits. http://b3ta.com/board/10899314 ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MAKEY MAKEY KEYBOARD - flatfrog writes, "A while ago when I was running a small club at my kids' school, I came up with an ambitious plan to make and run a game of Just a Minute, by taking apart a keyboard and wiring it up to doorbells, so pressing a bell would be equivalent to pressing a key on the keyboard. "It came frustratingly close to working but was just too fragile - it was all done with bits of silver foil and crocodile clips attached to the keyboard's circuit board pins. It sounds like the Makey Makey kit would have been just what I needed and we could have used bits of fruit for buzzers - that would have been awesome." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * GUNS THAT ONLY KILL BAD PEOPLE - maybe they could measure your soul on the quality of your Facebook friends? * DAILY MAIL OR NAZI PROPAGANDA QUIZ - can you tell from these quotes? * A BUTTON THAT SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS - from world peace to marital discord. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Kissy kissy: [email protected] Pissy pissy: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Salvage, Gratch, tonyharrison, largoembargo, Lord, ‏@merlinharries, @buzzfeed, ‏@Freudenschade, @mattround, h3donist, ‏@LeeRedders, Fadgebadger, ‏@LondonYank. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Trop trips via Paolo Nutini's Bikini. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Save £££s by spitting your mouthwash back into the bottle after you've used it! next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive