we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: SELF-REGULATING SINCE 2001 AND WE HAVE TISSUES TO PROVE IT next issue » « previous issue This Week: * LOCKERS - London-wide advent calendar * PLANNING - Spoof signs * TINY - Meal made from powders ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "11yrs of procrastination ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Buy our very reasonably priced ads. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Advent calendar, Britishness and video games >> Amazon Locker Advent calendar << "I'm doing a thing with Amazon Lockers, although it might be a bit London-centric," confesses Tom Scott. "Every day December 1st–24th, we'll announce a code to get into an Amazon Locker in London. First one there wins whatever's inside. It might be something simple like a Christmas decoration, a trinket, or some chocolate. But sometimes, it'll be something big: a toy, good books... or maybe even an iPod." http://adventlocker.com >> Professor Elemental - I'm British << "Hello there you lovely folks," chuffs Moog. "I've done another video for Professor Elemental. Perhaps you might like this new one for the song, I'm British. Chin chin!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Professor_Elemental_Im_B... >> Wasted My Time Playing Video Games << "This video is from a few years ago," confesses superpowerless. "But now it's in HD and Widescreen with a new mix of the song." Relentlessly inventive vid is definitely worth a watch. http://bit.ly/UfA7rn -------------------------------------------- : THINK YOU KNOW GRAN TURISMO? THINK AGAIN Download the book (sponsored link) GTPEDIA is the ultimate, unauthorized encyclopedia of every game in the GRAN TURISMO series. With over 375 pages of extensive car lists, track lists, and highly detailed event overviews, it is the single most comprehensive and thorough GT resource ever compiled. Packed with trivia, GTPEDIA will fascinate and entertain even the most dedicated fans of the series. If you think you know Gran Turismo, think again! http://www.gtplanet.net/gtpedia/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Internet Crazies We wanted to know all about the crazy people you've met through the internet. Go read the poem sent to grandmasterfluffles by Archie "Mr Poet" Moses: http://b3ta.com/questions/internetcrazies/ * SHOWER - "Advertising for a housemate on Gumtree resulted in one bloke who came around, looked about the flat a bit and then asked if he could try the shower. I thought, "fair enough, it's an important part of your morning routine." I stood by while he spent a full five minutes by the bath, shower head in hand, messing with the temperature, trying the different settings, etc. with a look of real concentration on his face. He emailed back the next day and said he might be interested, but he wasn't sure. Could he come back and have another look at the shower?" (SnowyTheRabbit) * PUMP - "After weaning her daughter, my flat-mate decided to get rid of her electric breast pump, so she put it up on Freecycle. She was contacted by a man who asked many sensible, intelligent questions about the machine - it was clearly something he knew a lot about. Having satisfied himself that it was the type he wanted, he said he'd like to have it. "Will it be yourself or your partner that will be collecting it?" asked my flatmate. "Oh, it's not for a partner, it's for me," he replied." (moon monkey) * COCK - "My studies of chatroulette have led me to conclude that the average man on the street, given anonymity, would by choice either flash his cock or idly masturbate when meeting you for the first time." (cumquat may) >> This Week - NO SELF AWARENESS << This week we want your stories of people blissfully unaware of their bad smells, bad manners and foghorn voices. Tell all: http://b3ta.com/questions/noselfawareness/ ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Because Amazon knows trolling sells product * PRODUCT ERRORS - Dear Amazon, a small complaint. This is not a "luxurious christmas pudding" but a photo of Ainsley Harriott on a mug. Actually is there something vaguely racist about calling Harriot a "luxurious christmas pudding"? Perhaps how he'd be described on an escort website. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B009633Q4... * VIBRATOR AND DOG BASKET GIFT SET - Inexplicably linked. Best review? "The vibrator is great for keeping the wife out of my hair, but she really resents having to sleep in a dog bed." http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007QGDKBW/... * METHS - street drinkers still drink meths? Seems a bit 70s to us, but the reviews are fun: "From the moment you remove the cap you realise you're in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky, with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose. Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with friends in a park. Highly recommended." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002ATI4V... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Fake planning notices << English humour at its finest, some Brightonian is writing, printing and putting up these spoof planning application notices. http://bit.ly/SyA2iG >> Convince yourself you're half-blind colour-wise << Colour-vision test that has you arrange squares in order of hue. Harder than it might first appear - you might be surprised at what you're missing. (Cue 1,000 emails from nerds bragging of a perfect score). http://www.xrite.com/custom_page.aspx >> Funny crafting fails << Home hobbyists try to recreate lovely craft stuff they've seen online. We should point out that loads of these pics are from craftfail.com but boredpanda has chucked a lot of them onto a more easily-linkable page. http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-pinterest-fails/ >> Bad kids' jokes << Bloke who edits a site for kid-submitted jokes, also blogs the ones that were slightly too offensive for the main site. Surreal, schoolyard naughtiness. http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/ >> Dan! Dan! Dan! << Alan Partridge on a loop. Cringe. http://dandandan.net/ >> Semi-Automatic Gmail Assistant << A safekey-restricted Gmail responder that sends "Go F*** Yourself!" messages as a response to unwanted emails. Although there is a 1% chance that SAGA will instead respond "That's a Great idea, I'll get right on it!" http://etsy.me/10aRu0m ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Apocalypse calendar, Magic, Gameshow & Monkeys >> Clockalypse << As you may be aware, if everything works according to schedule, the world will be ending on December 21st. "It seemed pointless sending out Christmas cards this year," points out Dave Birss. "So instead we created the Clockalypse - a countdown clock that gives people suggestions to make the most of their remaining breaths. If the Mayans were wrong, Happy Christmas to you. If not, enjoy the short time you've got left." http://clockalypse.com/ >> Mr. Magic's flying secrets << Mr. Magic blows the lid off the world of big-time illusionists, then saws it in half, then pulls an egg from its ear. Weareace shows you how to achieve mind-bending special effects. http://b3ta.com/links/896241 >> Cheeky Flippin Nice gameshow << "We grabbed two people from Kentish Town high street and took them down to a basement," grunts Pig Face Turnip. "Here's what happened." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheeky_Flippin_Nice_Game... >> Very short monkey documentary << Not a film about short monkeys, but genuine slice of fact-based interest about 19th Century Russian scientists and cross-breeding with chimps. "It's a video about monkeys," clarifies BobbyDaveHead. "Monkeys are awesome." http://b3ta.com/links/889999 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Flickbooks now have sound! >> Extremely tiny meal << Almost like an unboxing video, here's a demonstration of how to combine various powder sachets and water into an extraordinary, edible miniature of actual food. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Hot Chip FIFA video << "B3ta, did you see my new vid?" asks King of Twitter Peter Serafinowicz, who has directed another peculiar video for Hot Chip. Highly odd. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Africans donating radiators to Norway. << Charity song to encourage Africans to raise a little heat for the less fortunate in Norway. Obviously, it's more making a point about how Africa is frequently depicted in charity appeals and the media. http://www.africafornorway.no/ >> Mom is a maniac on the drums << Woman baffles internet by overcoming the twin handicaps of being both female and middle-aged to play a musical instrument rather well. It is funny, though, to see someone in a pink polo shirt get quite so into Wipe Out. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Best bits of cuntish editor << Supercut of horrific, yet marginally believable, Hoxton new media twat Jonatton Yeah? from Nathan Barley. We got lost in this and now feel an urge to watch the whole series again wondering if some of the jokes vaguely referenced b3ta? The "Terrorists are gay" bit made us squirm at the time anyway. ‏http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still shit and we weep for publishing it * ATTRACTIVE LADY WITH MASTURBATORY NAME - Silencer writes, "Been sniggering over this at work for half an hour. Clearly I need to get out more. Still - for funny name corner - Slovakian model, Ivana Vancova" The producers of Bond should use her in their next movie - slightly iffy publicity galore. - http://www.supermodels.nl/ivanavancova * DOG PENIS - imagine if you were born a dog with an image of a penis on your back - spinning eternally trying to hump yourself. http://imgur.com/gallery/FxjNX * BEST GYNECOLOGIST NAME EVER - we give you Harry C Beaver. https://www.google.com/search ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animal Tech Challenge Last week we wanted you to add technology to animals. Your favourites included: * SHARK: including improved jet engine action, albeit with decreased vision (HumanDescent) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10886100 * MOUSE: household rodent goes space-age, in space (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10885603 * SEAGULL: splatter bonanza as seaside pest meets arcade classic (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10887329 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cyber-toothed-tigers... >> New challenge: Real Life Movie Posters << Lights, camera, action! This week's challenge is to re-create a famous movie poster using a single, posed photograph. Like this amazing example. Challenge suggested by HappyToast http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/real-life-movie-post... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TEA THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU NEED TO WEE - ben.broomfield writes, "It's the caffeine in tea acting as a diuretic, making you want to open the floodgates. I can suggest Redbush tea which is caffeine-free. You can have with milk, and doesn't taste like shit. However, if you've had five cups, it just depends on how strong your bladder is..." * COMPLAINTS - davidnbashore writes, "Your posting of 'Leaked White House tape' was the most disrespectful, uncalled-for, Republican-approved bullshit I've ever seen on this site, and I've been a subscriber for years. Well, now I'mm an unsubscriber. Fuck you limey cunts. You're just jealous of our democracy." So true. B3ta; Republican supporters and jealous of America's democracy. Nailed us there. * EBOOK COVERS - chazz writes, "The Kobo sets its display to the last-read book cover when it goes to sleep or turns off." Great idea - Kindle should nick this pronto. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * UNFAIL ANTI-LOLS - compile a video of your favourite "unfails". Riding a bike and not falling off. Walking down road not tripping up etc. * WASHING-MACHINE TV CHANNEL - an alternative to Cbeebies and just as entertaining for small children. Or at least it entertains ours. * THE DEATH OF ALL LIVING THINGS - we've just done the winter clear on the garden: 13 black bin-liners full of leaves and twigs. FFS nature! Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subs: [email protected] Blubs: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by badgerlikespeed, @tomirwin_tw, @martin_gleeson, Araucaria, Martyn.hood, nospoon, Fork, omnitruncatedkraken, Gruffi Savalas, @reubenturner, ‏@erocdrahs, @dancall1, ‏@idrinktea, weegiegeek & i.caple. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Tip by sandettie light vessel automatic. Subjlols via Pootle. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Instead of spending good money on anti-ageing creams and treatment, travel at the speed of light for a bit. That way when you stop again, everyone will have aged considerably more than you will have and you can enjoy the admiring gasps of your friends. TOP TIP 2: Need Christmas gift ideas, but no money? Convert a lightbulb into an attracti... a quirky vase. (Created by Dave Haxworth) http://www.youtube.com/watch next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive