we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HANDED TO DAVID CAMERON ON A PIECE OF CARD" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * OBAMA - cellphone footage leaked * HORDAK - what's he up to? * FUCK YOU - Daily Mail, says podcaster ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're recording MP3s ___/ _ |/_ > Where are my fucking keys?? << "Can't find your fucking keys?" chirps Golden Age b3tan reverend_dan. "Well, I made this with a co-worker, after a distressing key-related incident that could have been prevented. It's a public fucking service." http://wherethefuckdidileavemykeys.com/ >> Surprising retro toy review << "This might be for a bit of a niche audience," worries shoepie. "But I hope you enjoy it." For anybody who's missing Hordak... http://www.b3ta.com/links/Surprising_Retro_Toy_Rev... >> Light-plotter = 4D printer << Such is the outlandish claim of Ben RethinkFX. "This animation is shot entirely in-camera, the figure having been animated in 3DS Max and then plotted by my custom-built 3D light painting system." Clever stuff. http://www.rethinkfx.com/projects/lightplot >> Old-school phone-porn << "For no reason whatsoever," begins Mr Eraserhead, "I started collecting vintage smut featuring telephones with curly wires and now I can't stop." Curly, curly 70s smut, about as NSFW as you like. Those phones *are* weirdly sexual - wonder what the fetish will be in contemporary stuff. http://telefonosexy.tumblr.com/ >> Leaked White House tape << Obama's cameraphone footage leaked - sadly just too late to save America from four more years. Ah well. "We made this the other weekend to be all hard-hitting and political and that," explain a sheepish Cope&Dalton. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Leaked_White_House_Tape >> The Human Condition << "Been away for a while being a responsible dad and stuff," writes swedemason. "Back on it now." If you ever wondered why people with no jobs feel like crap, look no further than this hypochondriac mashup. Jesus Christ, our bodies are crumbling to dust and Jeremy Kyle still exists. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Human_Condition ------------------------------------------------- : SMALL SYNTH, BIG SOUNDS Novation MiniNova synthesizer (sponsored link) MiniNova is a mini-synth with a monster of a sound-engine. It also has a super-powerful Vocoder and VocalTune effect. You can plug other instruments into MiniNova and run them through the effects and Vocoder (and Rob Manuel wants one ;-) WATCH VIDEO http://bit.ly/TyNkeF ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Water, Boats and all that Floats Last week we asked for your maritime stories. Worth it for the photo of Branson: http://b3ta.com/questions/waterboatsfloats * SHARK - "My first-ever night dive, already apprehensive. After an ill-advised beer, me and my two friends jump off the back of the boat, grab the anchor rope, and begin a slow 30m decent. If you've ever been off-shore at night, you'll know it's completely black. Turn your torch off and you're not even sure if your eyes are open. Eerie as fuck. I reached the anchor first, and glanced over my shoulder to check on the two spots of light approaching, when the rear light shot up rapidly. The front light spun round. Both shot forwards, backwards, up, down, round and fucking round; weird jerky movements like they were being attacked. With no frame of reference, my head shut down. Everything spatial disintegrated. I panicked, squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about anything else other than where the fuck I was. The nausea passed, but after spinning around and screaming bubbles, I was just suspended in blackness. I very slowly began sweeping my outstretched torch hand in a circle. About halfway through I spotted some rocks – thank fuck, the sea bed. I managed to find the anchor and surfaced, "I lost me mates! I think a fucking shark got them! A FUCKING SHARK!" "Alright, calm down," said... my mates. Behind them a Japanese woman, an instructor with a group of novices, explained she'd thought us part of her group who'd gone in unprepared. She'd wrestled them back to the surface. Now, if someone's late, these same friends always ask, "You don't think a FUCKING SHARK'S got them?" Twats. (Wet-chinned bag shanker) * ROPE - "So there I am, on a nice, little run down to the final marker at the end of a race when I capsized. Bugger, arse, shit. So have a quick glance at the ropes before righting, just to make sure nothing is tangled. "Red and white, main; fine. Yellow, vang; fine. Black and yellow... black and yellow? Which one is black and... Holy bejeebus-sweet-mother -of-fuck" I do a rather good impression of a submarine-launched ballistic missile as I exit the water vertically and cling for dear life to the top of the boat, as far aware from that bastard as possible. Outside of breeding season they're fairly docile; but finding a sea snake next to you is never much fun." (SpangleDangle) * ANCHOR - "I used to work as a flotilla skipper in the Greek Islands. You get to guide a bunch of novices around the islands, briefing them in the morning and dealing with the chaos in the evening mooring of 12 yachts in a small harbour. In the last yacht: drop anchor, reverse in, tie up, cold G&T. Well, in this case not quite. It was a tricky mooring and I had to lay out a 2nd anchor using the inflatable tender. I've done this so many times: you sit the anchor on top of the tender and give it large in reverse, to pull the anchor and chain away from the yacht and drop it in the deeper water. Except when the chain ran out, the sharp part of the anchor punctured the tender, causing one side to deflate rapidly with a large bang. Now I had the attention of everybody in the harbour. The anchor stayed stuck the RIB, slowly pulling it and the still running engine under water. I jumped in to free it, only to get it caught in my shorts - the only way to avoid being dragged down to the seabed was to release the belt on my shorts and say goodbye to my radio and wallet. Climbing into my friend's wee boat, she and the harbour got to see I'd also said goodbye to my underpants." (Muntered Tinny) >> This Week - DESTRUCTION & DEMOLITION << What's the biggest thing you've taken down? Please don't say you did it carefully. http://b3ta.com/questions/deconstruction/ ------------------------------------------------- : CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR UNDER A TENNER via Brainbox Candy (sponsored link) Secret Santa has the ability to turn people into dribbling wrecks. Make it easy this year and head over to Brainbox Candy, where the choice of hilarious gifts for under a tenner, plus next day delivery, means you'll actually get something decent for a change. Also check out their outrageous Xmas cards. http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page28.htm ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Saccharine facebook sentiment << If your social media feed isn't overflowing with revolting, syrupy bullshit, here's a gallery of inspiration to snark at. http://vomitinducing.tumblr.com/ >> 27b/6 hostile work environment << Curmudgeonly graphic designer David Thorne scans in the many complaints made against him by hapless workmate Simon. http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html >> Creepy surveillance cameraman << Bloke wanders round Seattle, filming people without their permission. His point being to contrast how how angry we get when a person sticks a camera in our face, with how passive we are about surveillance recordings. http://bit.ly/RvPsln >> A slower speed of light << Clever computer game from MIT uses the laws of special relativity. Your aim? Match the speed of light by collecting objects, while the behaviour of the universe around you changes from your increased speed. http://bit.ly/RJk5Yh >> People playing chess on rollercoasters << Inspired by an xkcd comic, some excellent, cerebral posing at amusement parks. http://xkcd.com/chesscoaster/ >> 90s music magazine archive << Specifically, this is b3tan Monkeon's meticulous archive of top 90s music mag Select. A treat for the nostalgic, or actual young people researching some sort of ironic revival. http://selectmagazinescans.monkeon.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Useful guff and the occasional funny review * SOAK YOUR NUTS - possibly the best book title ever and the woman on the cover looks so pleased to offer you a nut-soaking, how could you say no? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/157067264... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV with a 15 sec ad break every two mins >> Banthapug << Cute. Nerd-fluffy. Watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cockney Romney << If Mitt Romney had won the election, we'd be demanding to see his passport about now because, well, listen to this. Comment win by BertnotErnie: "Romney, you plonker." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cockney_Romney >> Morphing paper fish << It is a vase? Is it a fish? Is it a hat? Or some unspeakable combination of all three?? Aï aï cthulhu ftagn. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Morphing_paper_fish >> Fuck you Daily Mail << Softly-spoken, but telling attack on the cynical fucks who run the UK's most popular news website. Uh, we just need to check if we're running one of their ads this week. Okay, well this is worth 20 minutes of anybody's time. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_you_Daily_Mail >> Monkey pool << Tiny, mischievous primates break every rule of poolside conduct. But, dawww, they so cute. http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_pool_needs_some_rul... >> 'Terminator' arm << The world's most advanced prosthetic limb gives us new hope that the day is nigh when we can lop off our natural extremities and become cyborg overlords. As an aside, there is something quite odd about designing an advanced robot that can operate a computer mouse. That's not the way we saw the future going. http://bit.ly/XprBuQ >> Unicorn Wizard << Brain-meltingly awesome is the aesthetic they're going for. Successfully? We'll let you know when our brains re-coalesce. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Stewart Lee - Observational Comedy << Stewart Lee tries his hand at observational comedy. Or is he satirising observational comedy. Anyway, it's very clever. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stewart_Lee_Observationa... This is obviously all in aid of promoting Lee's new DVD and we urge you to check it out, and give him your money and support, so he's not compelled to wander the streets of Kentish Town, begging for succour. http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007RD9OLE/b3ta-21 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER 3 lies: often not funny, seldom about names and never in the shape of a corner. * UNFORTUNATE URL - @sandersonjones recommends, "Song Room, an Oz charity that helps poor kids play music." http://www.songroom.com * BIG PENIS BUILDING - m477hew writes, "Cock-shaped architecture. The symbol of the future." Yep, and this is, of course, on purpose - literally, the rich waving their willies at us. http://bit.ly/Ssdsqw * RUDE AUTHOR NAME - stevenawright writes, "Just reading about Lance Armstrong and stumbled upon the former director of the WADA. He's even got a book." Blimey, what a brilliant name, and the cover also looks exactly like someone pounding their dick. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/047083870... * GOATSE CORNER - Jimski writes, "After a long, *long* time lurking I finally got round to emailing you something half usable. Nestle Milo Chocolate Malt." Blimey. It's the phrase "made with malted barley" that really makes us go ewww. http://bit.ly/YXvaHR ------------------------------------------------- : BLOCK FRIDAY Twitter accounts to block because they're funnier than us and it makes us jealous * PIPPA TIPS - a spoof on the Middleton sister's books that state the bleeding obvious, e.g, "a haircut is a great way to deal with over-grown or untidy hair. Hair salons & barbers can do this for you in exchange for money." https://twitter.com/Pippatips ------------------------------------------------- : GAME Text-based multiplayer FPS We've always enjoyed the gag of making text adventure versions of arcade games. The legendary comp.sys.sinclair Crap Games Competition once had a version of Tetris that began, "You're in a deep dark cave. You see an L-shape fall towards you. You can move it left, right or rotate." And on a similar tip but better, because it's fucking multi-player, comes this. http://eigen.pri.ee/shooter/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the spiders challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate spiders. Your favourites included: * SPIDERS FROM MARS - David Meowie is one cool cat who wins this competition by a whisker. (Doctor When) http://b3ta.com/board/10875363 * CHARLOTTE'S WEB - the famous kid's story pointing out exactly what's so great about "some pig". (moistness) http://b3ta.com/board/10876049 * CERN SUPER SPIDER COLLIDER - try saying "spider collider" out loud - it's delicious to say. ( The Twisted Omentum ) http://b3ta.com/board/10875219 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/science/ >> New challenge: Solve stuff with Science << It's a scientific fact that everything is better with science. So this week's Challenge is to use science to solve everyday problems. http://b3ta.com/challenge/science/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ERRATUM - Noely Noel writes, "Hey, I suggested a link for the newsletter, unfortunately you gave me credit for producing the fireworks labels when it was another user altogether. I gazzed him and apologised, might you put a rectification in the next newsletter?" We are sorry. We'll walk from village to village thrashing ourselves with old newsletters. * ERRATUM II (ERRATA) - Mekon74 follows up, "Your lovely news newsletter (552) prominently features my rude fireworks. Thanks for that. It's nice to know they're appreciated, but you've credited them to Noely Noel. Who's that then? My B3ta name is Mekon74. It's a small and relatively unimportant issue, since it's not my real name, but it's still a bit annoying." We are sorry, so sorry. There's no-one to blame but our useless selves. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * FREE STUFF - nobody has sent us anything interesting in the post for ages. Go on. Make our postie sweat. * TIPS ON HOW TO BE AN ADULT - we run a comedic internet newsletter, we clearly struggle with such stuff. * A MAGIC SOLUTION TO BLACKHEADS - surely we should have grown out of them by now? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- High Achievers : [email protected] Bye-bye leavers: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by R. Jimlad, c@bbage, Dawn Of The Bread, TheTrampSurveyor, davescfc, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers! tim, ‏@alergy, @lost_78, @MatofKilburnia, @LeeRedders & shkspr. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. We love Matt Round. Subjlols via prince-igor. Top tips via A Vagabond. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make people think you're clever by having a degree. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive