we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NO LONGER AVAILABLE ON CEEFAX" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * RAP - Hip-hop BBC News * ROMNOBAMA - Cassetteboy + presidential candidates * MARIO LOW SCORE - a new way to play ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy 53rd Birthday ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Making waves that's what. In culture. >> Rap the BBC News << "I built a thing to rap the BBC News, automatically," writes Shardcore. Blimey, this is extremely funny, but also the future of all news, as it simultaneously delivers the information and yet makes it utterly incomprehensible. A massive win for news as disorientating wallpaper - we think Shardcore should be the next director-general of the BBC. http://bit.ly/RrLlZx >> NSFW Imgur fun << Davidbrophy writes, "Ever wondered what filth people have uploaded to imgur? I know you can click the 'random' button, but that's SLOW. I made this to speed up my gutter-mining." Blimey. We've spent a good 10 mins watching this and it's mostly jokes, porn, cars, technology, sport, nerdy fiction and computer games. Basically, the whole world is like Zoo or Nuts magazine - bit depressing, really. http://3z.bz/ >> Cassetteboy vs Obama vs Romney << "Here's a new video what we done for a new YouTube comedy channel," writes cassetteboy. "Watch it now while it's still topical." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_Obama_vs_... >> Turkish Downton Abbey << Few among you probably know that ITV's popular period drama is simply a shoddy remake of 1970s Middle-Eastern soap favourite 'Donton Abbey'. "Another year, another Turkish TV knockoff," laments Christopher Poole. http://youtu.be/_iOzM3PTszg ------------------------------------------------- : PLAY THE FULL ENGLISH GAME (Sponsored link) Oldskool adventure web game, brought bang up to date by Channel 4 Comedy, featuring the voices of Richard Ayoade and Kayvan Novak. Play it now before it's removed and we all go to jail for making obscene jokes. It's for a new animated sitcom, you know. You can also win artwork signed by the cast. Get playing, you sods. http://www.channel4.com/fullenglish ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Dressing Up We asked you for your dressing up stories, secretly hoping for pictures. We got pictures: http://b3ta.com/questions/dressingup/ * TOO FAR? - "Bored in telesales office on a Friday afternoon, I challenged my colleagues to think of a really good, really scary costume idea for the Halloween party that night. Jill from Accounts suggested I dress as a frightening clown, maybe with specks of blood on my face. "Oooh, scary,"said Diane in Sales, "I hate clowns." Pete from Marketing suggested I dress entirely in black and attach flat panel speakers to my front and a head-mounted microphone, meaning my every word would be disconcertingly amplified. Interesting, freaky, everyone liked the idea. Then Chris from Purchasing, a quiet lad, loudly filled with middle-aged women, quiet accountants and unassuming receptionists: "A baby. A baby covered in spunk." The room went quiet. Everyone pretended to be busy. A sob escaped from Janine in HR. So that was my costume." (burningdog) * WERTHERS - "A couple of years back, our RAF base bar, Castaways, had a "School Disco" night. Cue lots of burly RAF types and one or two actual females squeezed into schoolgirl uniforms. I'd had to go straight from my day shift in my normal clothes. So I got our admin bloke to nip across to the NAAFI for some Werthers whilst I made a quick trip to our tech workshop and got me a brown, dirty-mac, storesman coat. I then got a beer and stood outside the doorway. Yup, I went to the school disco as a nonce." (stuj) * MONOLITH - "At an End of the World-themed Hogmanay party, here's me dressed as the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey" (sarahahaha) http://i.imgur.com/pSl4P.jpg >> This Week - WATER AND BOATS << Are you a wizened, old sea-crone who hates land lubbers? A sexually ambiguous pirate who gets all the ladies? Or just been on a pedalo once? Tell us all your sea-faring boat stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/waterboatsfloats/ ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Get your Savile outfit here Although only an utter cunt would think it's funny to pretend to be the most prolific child molester of all time, it's worth having a quick look for the reviews. As per usual. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0096PVYO... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Child abuse and light entertainment << Got 30 mins? Some wonderful background on a paedophile-friendly Establishment. If the government falls over this stuff, let's hope the entire state isn't replaced with a few vouchers run by corporations eh? http://bit.ly/VQkBr8 >> Halloween or Williamsburg? << For the uninitiated, Williamsburg is the US version of London's vibrant Shoreditch scene. That is to say, it's over-full of vile, cavorting hipsters. This tumblr points out it's difficult to tell the difference between that any Halloween. http://halloweenorwilliamsburg.com >> Apple products poster << Seeing them all together it reminds us of kids going through football cards, "got, got, got, got, want." Remember: Every time you have the urge to buy Apple products, buy shares in them instead. Well, that used to be true, until the iPhone 5 made the stock market do a big collective meh. Personally we think you're better off investing in Foxxconn, then you win no matter if Android of Apple win the phone race. And the thought of all those tiny, Chinese hands working for pennies is stimulating wank bank material. http://bit.ly/ts59tH >> Latest game ever? << The Fool's Errand was an 80s era Mac puzzle game by Cliff Johnson, once rated as "Best Retro Game Ever" by GamesTM magazine. The follow-up has been over 10 years coming - and why are we telling you? Well, the list of excuses on the Wikipedia page is both tragic and hilarious. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fool_and_His_Mone... >> Radio fail << BBC Radio Uslter reads out Jimmy Savile joke live on air by mistake. Joyous. Please, b3tans, dedicate you lives to getting radio DJs to read out rude things unawares. http://bit.ly/THOngp >> David Icke review << James Ward (best known for running the 'Boring' event) attended the recent, horrendously long David Icke rally at Wembley and has written up his mildly pisstakey, but ultimately fair, experiences here. BTW: We once attempted to interview Icke for B3ta. He initially agreed but, after we sent him about 50 crowd-sourced questions about lizards, he went strangely silent. Oh well. http://bit.ly/Sd4sFY ------------------------------------------------- : HELP ORG (OPEN RIGHTS GROUP) FUND LEGAL OFFICER Join now We're members of ORG - but who they? They campaigned for change to copyright that would create a new right to parody, built the coalition against the Snoopers' Charter, broke the story of Mobile Internet censorship, and their hard work against ACTA came into fruition as we watched MEPs shoot down a law that would have led to damaging copyright policy. ORG wish to finance a new member of staff to fight for your digital rights online. If they can get 300 new members this will cover enough wages to get a legal officer to "co-ordinate our crack-team of volunteer lawyers, perform thorough legal research, and create new case law to actively prevent potential threats to civil liberties." Please join now. http://bit.ly/Uo5nmy Or read about ORG before you join here: http://www.openrightsgroup.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Net version of the Harry Hill clip show could be called 'You've Been Flamed' >> Lowest score to complete Mario? << This chap does an astounding 600 points. Love the idea of competing to score badly - an entirely new way of getting enjoyment from games you've already played to death. http://bit.ly/TJ0Dxk >> Worst ad ever? << Low production values bring us joy - it shows the (inept) human in the machine - and sets up narratives in our head: was this produced by the boss's friend's mate for $150? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Joss Whedon endorses Mitt Romney << And has Joss lost weight? Less hoarding cans Joss - more eating them. Nah. Joss, your new look suits you, you should do more front of camera stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The Specials vs. The Wu-Tang Clan << Always had a soft spot for The Specials' A Message To You Rudy; the great brass and the wonderful lyric - Rudy being short for "rude boy" - basically saying "young men, sort yourself out, acting all gangster and shit will lead you only to a life of hell." To cut that with a similar rap from the Wu-Tang? Wonderful. http://bit.ly/U3em2a >> Helicopter helps remote-controlled plane << Helping some folks get their little plane back. What lovely chap. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wot_nice_guys ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still not funny, you punishing shits * BMW DEALER - if this guy gets any business off this link we demand our 10%. Oh, it doesn't work like that? Piss. http://bit.ly/PqRp6m * COME TOGETHER FOR JESUS - we always thought that 13 blokes, no women disciple thing was a bit suspicious. http://www.cum.co.za * SAVILE'S FAVORITE SCHOOL? http://www.sexeys.somerset.sch.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Typing Karaoke Love web projects that manage to pitch the entire concept in the title - where you can guess how the whole thing will play out in the time it takes to load. http://www.typingkaraoke.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Challenge results: Unlikely Brand Crossovers Last week we wanted stuff like Wilkinson Sword Crisps, Harpic Liqueur & Persil Flat Screen TVs. Your favourites included: * WKD TOILET DUCK - we have a personal product idea of making 'Toilet Swan' for people with posh bogs. (Fresh Water Mole) http://b3ta.com/board/10871056 * INSTAGRAM WATER FILTER - did you see the Instagram US hurricane pics on Twitter? Most odd - death and destruction made slightly twee. Oddly distancing. (Monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/10873606 * OXO RUBIK'S CUBE - this would sell, a nice little bit of design to have lurking in your man pit. (chumpers's cat) http://b3ta.com/board/10871534 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/brands/ >> New challenge: spiders << Spiders. Whenever someone on the news says of a policy that "the markets won't like it", replace the word "market" with "spiders". Alternatively, photoshop some spiders here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/spiders/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * 'FOR THE WIN' SKETCH SHOW PILOT - Big Face writes, "It may not show much luck in this game, but here's another whole ill-fated sketch show pilot I wroted and directed and do a bit in. It got repeated on BBC Three, so it's online for a while. I'm really proud of it and hate the fact they rejected it." Boo BBC, you really should give Big Face a show - we've met him and he'd be very good on chat shows. You are missing a star. http://bbc.in/LURU7W * B3TA ANCIENT HISTORY FROM 2002/3 - Mike Trinder writes, "Digging around my desk I found a CD titled 'B3ta Slideshow 5' - this is the slideshow that accompanied the B3ta party in a tiny upstairs bar in central London in 2003. Much nostalgia and shoddy Photoshop work within." http://www.chthonicionic.net/b3ta/2003/index.htm * KICKSTARTER IAIN BANKS MOVIE - B3tan Rob Lees Jones last week asked you to help fund his film - you've donated nearly $5k which means we're about a quarter of the way there. You can do it! Give Jones a hand and he promises to give a cameo to your Ginger Fuhrer, so at least you'll be financing an opportunity for him to make an utter fool of himself. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/119205258/piec... * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - lumpytuna writes, "My lovely lecturer, Beagles, from back when I was a grubby art student, used to make blood puddings with his platonic art-partner Ramsay's and his blood. He told me that a number of audience members would hang back at the end of the performances and ask to try a bite of their body sausages and it left him feeling ever so slightly violated that they'd want to. Blarg." http://bit.ly/SgBNiX ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MANAGING YOUR AGEING WITHOUT ANXIETY - Photo-management software that automatically makes old pictures fatter and greyer - so we don't feel sad looking through old photos. * SPECIAL ROBOTS THAT DEAL WITH SHIT - the shitbot will change nappies, clean the bog and also remove dog muck from the streets. * DISCUSSIONS - "Despite the fact that the internet keeps getting faster, we don't seem to be using it less," writes B3tan williamgoddard. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Marriage : [email protected] Divorce : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by *redacted* with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by JamTallons, fyafly, Mike Trinder, robneymcplum, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers! Eukanuba & m477hew. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips via cumquat may. Subjlols via prince-igor. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Become a millionaire by thinking of a great, practical idea for a new product that no-one else has thought of yet, then organising the financing, manufacturing, distribution and marketing while successfully defending your patent. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive