we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CONTAINS NO NEWS, IS NOT A LETTER. SINCE 2001." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * RUDE FIREWORKS - Relabel your display * DR WHO CIGAR AD - the past is a different country * HORROR DILDOS - for annual, seasonal masturbation ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're deleting the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> Rude fireworks << If you fancy being arrested this November the 5th, simply print out this PDF, produced by Noely Noel, wrap it round some fireworks and offer to do a "display" for the local kids. http://bit.ly/VMSDwC >> Celebrity portraits << CCC has been drawing celebs. "So what?" you say? Aha, but the fun bit is that he's been tweeting them to the actual celebrities and they awkwardly play along that they are enjoying the attention. http://mycelebrityportraits.blogspot.co.uk/ >> Geo-locate your lost pet << "The idea is dead simple," promises Paul Leader. "You sign up with your email address and your location, then if someone near you reports a lost cat you get an email with all the details and piccies so you can keep your eyes peeled." Obviously, the more people who register, the more useful it is. Like Neighbourhood Watch, or the Stasi for cats. Oh, and it's non-commercial. http://lostpetalerts.org >> A video about replying to emails << Some grey bloke, Graham Murkett, gives his tips for reaching Inbox Zero, replying to every single email. Yes, even the spam. http://bit.ly/Tkjb4R >> Prometheus Coca Cola product placement << "I got the rough idea from another user on YouTube," confesses Black Moon. "But I thought I could do a better job of it." Ah, the great, transformative taste of Coca Cola. Pepsi only rots your teeth, gums, stomach-lining and will to live. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Prometheus_Coca_Cola_adv... >> Funny Room << "Sorry it's been a while," apologises Ornsack. "Consider this an early Halloween treat. Enjoy!" Cripes. Those eyes. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Funny_Room ------------------------------------------------- : KICKSTART A B3TAN'S IAIN BANKS MOVIE Our favourite low-fi horror director, Rob Lees Jones AKA EmVee on the board, is making a film and he needs you to bung your cash in the Kickstarter pot to make it happen. He's managed to get Iain Banks to give it the nod so this should be really exciting. Give him a hand - go on. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/119205258/piec... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Getting others in trouble Last week we asked you to confess the times you'd dumped others in the shit. You shits: http://b3ta.com/questions/Gettingothersintotrouble... * WVM - "Leaving Bristol on the M32 some years ago, a prat in a white van came up behind me and flashed. I ignored him. He flashed again. I ignored him. He cut the gap to a couple of feet and flashed vigorously. I ignored him, and continued to pootle along at 50mph in the middle lane. At this point he decided to be a clever clogs and overtake me on the inside. If he had been a little less hasty and a little more observant, he might have noticed the road markings showing that it was about to diverge, which is why I was in the middle lane. If he'd been even more observant he might have noticed that the trailer I was towing had a glider in it, and was just over thirty feet long. Add the length of the VW Camper Van I was driving and he was now in a diverging lane next to a wall of metal. He tried to speed up, but there were others ahead of him and he couldn't get past. He tried to slow down and I, looking carefully straight ahead, slowed down to match him. White van next to me? Really? Can't say I noticed. I considered waving as he headed off down the slip road to gawd knows where, but thought he might get cross." (ubergeekian) * STUKA - "I spent most of my school career blending in with the crowd. Except once. Let me tell you about it. One lunch-break I came up with the idea of playing Stukas. The iconic WW2 dive bomber is famous for two things: the crooked wings and the bowel-loosening howl from the under-wing sirens during an attack dive. Across the playground, a small group of girls were minding their own business. Suddenly, a small boy sprinted past, arms outstretched - slightly bent - with an unearthly howl at the top of his lungs. EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIOOOOOWWWWW! Before they could react the next had started his attack run. And the next, and the next, each screaming as he went past. The last Stuka trotted off round the bike-sheds leaving slightly deafened girls having a hysterical sobbing fit. In class, our victims picked out their tormentors to join the shame-faced parade at the front of the room. 'Was anybody else involved in this affair?' thundered the teacher, a man reputed to have put pupils in hospital. Despite a long look around, they utterly failed to notice the front row speccy kid, desperately trying to look innocent. My fellow Stukas were led away to punishment and humiliation, and I watched them, thinking 'Thank fuck for that.' The Highfields Stuka Squadron flew no more." (Big D) * SNEAK - "Dear Daily Mail Editor, everyone here told nasty jokes about are princess of harts and Maddy and Jade and they made me cry." (Larry Death) >> This Week - DRESSING UP << Tell us your tales of costumes, makeup and dressing up in silly stuff: http://b3ta.com/questions/dressingup/ ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories Recently we were disturbed to learn about the subcult of "Bronies" - grown men who profess ironic(?) affection for My Little Pony. We wonder if this is next for them? A touching collection of tales of women taking control of their lives and the horses they love. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/075820254... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Horror Dildos << Presumably a series of sex-toys designed by men with very inadequate sex lives and who thrill at the idea of women looking frightened at a dildo. Pretty sure women would design them to look like something nice - like a squirrel, or maybe something useful - like a plumber. http://www.fleshjack-international.eu/freaks/ >> Singing whale gets a backing track << All over the 'tubes this week is the singing whale that sounds suspiciously human, causing people to wonder if they have other human traits too? Like intelligence, compassion and smelly armpits? Now with a backing track by Beardyman's brother, Jay Foreman, the end result is something like The Muppets Theme sung by Julian Cope. http://soundcloud.com/jayforeman/singing-whale >> Kunt pretends to be Barry Bulsara << Kunt (out of Kunt & the Gang) used to have a Myspace page where he pretended to be Barry Bulsara - the bloke who got done for murdering Jill Dando (but didn't actually do it). Makes us almost nostalgic for a time when stunts like this were seen as the jokes that they are rather than an excuse to lock people up as "trolls". http://www.kuntandthegang.co.uk/barrygeorge.html >> John Taylor interview << Admittedly we're linking this because we're old Duran Duran fans, but we found this interview with John Taylor by Curt Smith from Tears for Fears surprisingly great. It works largely because there's a shared empathy and similar history between the two parties and it made us think that's what's wrong with most interviews - the person asking the questions doesn't give a fuck. A better media landscape would present "conversations" and team up two people with some sympathy for each other. http://bit.ly/WvAz7N >> Cold-call transcripts << Our method of dealing with cold-calls is: A. not answer the phone to anything that's "international dialling" and B. "Sorry" and put the phone down. But hey, we know nothing about comedy and we're missing a trick. http://www.callhating.com/ >> Infomercial animated gifs << Those people in infomercials who are so incapable of carrying out everyday tasks that they need to buy some plastic shit to do things like cooking eggs. Fuck 'em and their law. http://bit.ly/Uv4VDD ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Think the Sega Game Gear TV Tuner 2.0 * UNLIKELY, UNAIRED DOCTOR WHO CIGAR AD - we're not suggesting the ad is not funny - it is - but whoever signed off on associating popular kids' TV characters with tobacco was surely not someone who wanted to keep their job. http://www.youtube.com/watch * REFORM SECTION 5 - Rowan Atkinson campaigning - we believe rightly - that Section 5 of the Public Order Act should be repealed for its chilling effect on free speech. http://bit.ly/SmMiUh * THE EXORCIST AS 80S SITCOM - you know the drill with this formula - film cut / genre swap - but still, amusingly done. http://bit.ly/QIdLyv * SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT (ORCHESTRAL ARRANGEMENT) - simply take the vocal track (probably from the stems on those Guitar Hero style games), add orchestra and you have your very own new genre. https://www.youtube.com/watch * FRIGHTENING HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN - don't show this to any children, you vile b3tans. http://bit.ly/Y1QvhK * CAT JUMP COMPENDIUM - joyous collection of feline fail set to an instrumental version of our song 'Kill the Pop-Ups'. http://www.b3ta.com/links/CaC:5 ------------------------------------------------- : SELF UNHELP Repeat these affirmations twice a day, naked in front of the mirror whilst sobbing. * The most likely result of my dreams is that they'll remain dreams * Death isn't the worst thing to happen to me - but my inevitable painful, drawn-out, excruciating death * If I lose weight it'll be temporary * Yes I do have a book in me but it's not one that people would want to buy * Nothing in my life can be improved and this is as good as it gets Cheers, thanks B3ta! ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Trees Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards. Your favourites included: * TREE PUN 1 - Good to see Sunshine Elephant post on our challenge, a happy name from the past. http://b3ta.com/board/10868611 * TREES PUN 2 - The Shamen themselves were no strangers to puns, when asked to tone down Ebeneezer Good for Top of the Pops they added the line "got any underlay" for a "gratuitous rugs reference". (Van Da Graph) http://b3ta.com/board/10869342 * TREE PUN 3 - Duracell inadvertently defined the language for the bullying of gingers in the 80s, with their slogan "copper-coloured top" - kids that possibly killed themselves on trees like these. (Doctor When) http://b3ta.com/board/10867123 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/trees/ >> New challenge: Unlikely Brand Crossovers << Wilkinson Sword Crisps? Harpic Liqueur? Cadbury Fish Fingers? Fuck knows, you do better, and you shall. http://b3ta.com/challenge/brands/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT Follow ups on previous thingymabobs * HALLOWEEN DATING FOR UGGOES - "I'm trying to turn October 31st in to a second Valentine's Day, for all the weird, misshapen kids," charms Chris. "With a couple of other b3ta folk's help I've thrown together a new website, but it's also an excuse to watch lots of Horror films eat odd sweets and try on weird outfits." http://www.bemyhalloween.com * BEN WHEATLEY NEW MOVIE 'SIGHTSEERS' OUT SOON - we were delighted to attend the premier last weekend and a fine film it is too. Starring Alice Lowe, who very observant B3tans will recognise from a very odd electro-gold video we featured many moons ago. http://blog.sightseersmovie.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Our starters for 10: * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - drain off a pint or so blood and get cooking. * WHAT SHOULD MICROSOFT DO NEXT? They clearly haven't made an OS that people basically liked since XP in 2001 and Windows 8 / Surface is a dog. * 4D PRINTER - we're bored of simply being able to print in three-dimensional space - we want to print in time. Printer! Print me a sofa and install it last week! Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Cuddles: [email protected] Puddles: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by *redacted* with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mr Eraserhead, pissflaps, DeSade, Joe Scarymanga, HappyToast, @SimonNRicketts, JamTallons Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips? @mikenco. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: More toilet-unblocking advice. Put the end of a mop in a black bin-liner and plunge away with that. Done in seconds. Alternatively, reverse the polarity of your shitting-valve and simply suck the blockage back up into your welcoming anus. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive