we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: DO NOT READ IN CHRISTIAN B&BS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PICS - from the 'Guardian Truncation Team' * AMAZON - Dean Gaffney face-clock * ANSWERS - The best stuff you've made ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Saved by ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making sweet, sweet semen >> Guardian Truncation Team << "Wotcha," greets commuter Nick. "I made a thing, collecting 'funny' shortenings of headlines on the Guardian iPhone app. It stops me screaming point-blank into businessmen's faces at the horror of it all." http://guardiantruncationteam.tumblr.com >> Bird Song << "The video for a song we made live on YouTube one time," explains Weebl, cryptically. As well he might, since he's currently toiling at the bottom of a lol-mine, creating hours and hours of top-notch animation for a secret future project. http://b3ta.com/links/Bird_Song >> Surprise << "I did some more drawn animation," is all we have from Faceburger. But we like surprises: http://b3ta.com/links/Surprise:7 >> Ed and Dave uncut << "Some bits of the conference speeches you may have missed," claims merkinhead. Amazing how unrealistic David Cameron looks; even when he's not computer-generated, to be honest. http://b3ta.com/links/Ed_and_Dave_uncut ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Crap products & stupid reviews la la la >> Dean Gaffney face-clock << It's hard to decide which is better; this, frankly amazing, item itself or the stunningly creative reviews that it's spawned by its very existence. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003BRGUR... >> 'Touched' by a paedophile << Wildly appropriate autobiography of American football coach Jerry Sandusky, who later turned out to be the US equivalent of all this Jimmy Savile stuff. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582613575/... >> Laxative choc << Cautionary tale from the Amazon vaults. Just out of interest, why is so much laxative stuff chocolate? Surely that's the last thing you'd want to put in your mouth while thinking about faeces. http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R1HWKTZCIT43DS/b3ta... >> 'Party suicide' << Recreate the Deer Hunter at your celebratory event, with this 'fun' twist on Russian Roulette. For added lols, put the gun in your mouth when you pull the trigger. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003ARQFZY/... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The Best Thing You Made Last week we asked for the best thing you'd ever made. There's some great photos of things (sheds even) to look at here: http://b3ta.com/questions/bestthingivebuilt * SPEAKERS - "My first car was an XR2. Excited, I decided to improve the sound. Fortunately it already had a radio cassette player, but only two speakers in the rear parcel shelf. I bought 2 very large speakers, marked and cut the holes in the door cards, and put them in. They were around knee level, and improved the sound immensely. The I tried to open the window, which went down about an inch and a half before hitting the speaker." (username failed moderation) * COKE - "At the age of 12, my brother suddenly became very secretive, often locking himself in his bedroom for hours at a time. Were I older, I'd probably have assumed he'd discovered wanking. Curiously, his desire for cans of coke increased greatly. Then, my best red nail varnish disappeared. It was all very strange. After 6 months, all was revealed when my brother unveiled the model of a Lamborghini Diabolo he'd built from metal snipped from coke cans and painted pillar-box red with my nail polish. It was beautiful, a true work of art, lovingly crafted by a young boy who should be rightly proud of his work. The twat binned it two days later because he was bored with it." (Smash Monkey) * PEAMATIC - "A school craze for pea-shooters (well, spit-ball shooters really) was in full swing. But point, shoot, repeat seemed a little pedestrian to me; clearly I needed More Power. So I built a machine-pea-shooter: a ten-shot repeater, something like a mini-gun, with ten barrels and a sliding mouthpiece. I could shoot one at a time, or unleash a deadly hail of spit-balls at my cowering victims. My playground triumph was short lived, as a) it took about five minutes to re-load, and b) I got beaten up for being a smart-arse." (moon monkey) >> This Week - TROUBLE << Ever dropped somebody in the shit? Ever been the one in the shit? Whether by accident for through being a terrible snitchy grass, tell us all here: http://b3ta.com/questions/Gettingothersintotrouble... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Life hacks to make your life easier << 99 suggestions which fall somewhere been genius and OCD compulsively-hoarding hobo. Also please ignore the one that says filter your emails on the word "unsubscribe" as it'll break the B3ta newsletter and any other email lists you use. Hee hee. Email lists. We're so 90s. http://bit.ly/PeX5l4 >> Jesus. Seriously. Fuck off. << Apparently Jesus is an annoying asshole who fucks people up. Can somebody make this into a movie please? Like Bad Santa? Bad Christ? http://imgur.com/a/TnkRq >> You don't 'fucking love' science << The best thing Maddox has posted in a good while - complaining about the people who profess to be nerds, just because they bought some glasses and clicked "I like science" on Friendsreunited. http://thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi >> Security reactions Tumblr << Do you have to worry about computer security as part of your work? Do you like animated gifs? http://securityreactions.tumblr.com/ >> Full-screen phishing attack << A white-hatted proof-of-concept attack. Frankly, we're reaching a point where fuck knows what is real - but that might be to do with the large amounts of LSD we took before starting this sentence. Oooh look, our fingers are spongey and wow this keyboard lights up when you press the buttons... We feel like a tiny Michael Jackson in Billie Jean. http://feross.org/html5-fullscreen-api-attack/ >> Clothes on film (got your picture) << Curious about the clothes actors wear in movies? Matt Round writes, "Found this site interesting even though I have no interest in fashion." http://bit.ly/PeX6p9 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Filmed on your Windows Phone for megalolz >> Gabba Pingu Remix << It is what it is. Thought-provoking that, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, we can now all be The Prodigy circa 1991. Catchy though. Very catchy. http://www.pown.it/3496 >> Periods: the truth << Some guy wrote on a tampon company's Facebook page that their adverts lie and that his girlfriend's menstrual cycle is not one big rollerskate and skydiving party. The company responds: http://b3ta.com/links/Wooooooaaaahhhh_Bodyform >> Train simulator, bitch! << Model railway swag overload. NSFW but #YOLO. http://b3ta.com/links/Train_simulator_bitch >> Dog gets ready << Sleepy dog sets up for a busy day of dogginess. http://b3ta.com/links/Just_a_dog_getting_ready_for... >> Schrodinger's Cat does not like boxes << Cute animation takes a disturbingly abrupt left-turn into Akira-ville. http://bit.ly/PeXcx5 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Please change the law and make assisted suicide legal as we can't take the pain any longer * CAT-SHIT OR COCK-SHIT? Pielands writes, "My cat took a dump on the floor (as opposed to in the box, as we had agreed). It had not been manipulated in any way. Is he trying to tell me something?" Yes, he's telling you he wants anal penetration from your cock. It's what all cats want. http://imgur.com/3Oc8F * THE NAME 'GAYLORD' - STILL FUNNY? The preserve of playground humour since 1973, the name Gaylord is startling, as it suggests a heraldic, honours society based upon bot-bot fun. http://www.dioceseofgaylord.org * YOUR NEW FAVOURITE CHEMICAL COMPOUND IS - '(Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2' - Google it, then sing the Chicken Tonight jingle in your head. * BLOKE SHOULD GET A NEW JOB - he'd be much better as a professional pubic hair trimmer. There's probably a job title for that but we're busy people with no time for such frippery. http://bit.ly/S1cYYL * OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COULD SHORTEN THEIR NAME TO DICK - Richard Fiddler shouldn't have. http://bit.ly/PeXfsB ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAMES 13k HTML5 games Challenge web designers to make canvas-based games in less than 13k of code (that's about enough space to store 2,500 words of the play Hamlet) and what do you get? Stuff that makes us think the world is full of very clever people. http://js13kgames.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Torture Challenge Last week we wanted you devise fiendish torture devices Your favourites included: * CHALK: Screeeeaaagh! The world's most unpleasant noise, again and again and again and again and again and again and again and... (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861191 * KYLE: Leia Organa of Alderaan gets subjected to something far, far worse than water-boarding (The Twisted Omentum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861898 * TUB: spectacular fountain of effluence horror cartoon (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861502 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/torture/ >> New challenge: Trees << One word challenge: Trees — they're just sitting there, all made out of wood and looking sinister. Biding their time. Show us what they're planning. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trees/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * THE MANY LAYERS OF CYRIAK - "I was curious to see how many After Effects layers I used in a single scene of one of my videos," begins Cyriak. Good God. Here's an insight into just how involved those animations are: http://cyriak.co.uk/blog/ * HEARING-IMPAIRED MEMBER GETS ROBOT EARS - helmsdeep writes, "A while back you pimped my blog about seeing my baby son for the first time. Now, 9 months later I'm going back into hospital for a very different procedure - having a cochlear implant. It's still a relatively rare procedure but might be of interest, as technically it makes me a cyborg, and cyborgs are cool." http://wlmager.com/what-does-a-cochlear-implant-so... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CAMPAIGN FOR STANDARDISED KEYBOARD SHORTCUTS - sites like twitter and gmail allow "power users" to navigate via keyboard - press ? to see list of commands - we need a campaign for univ keyb shortcuts across webs - hard to learn when they are all diff. * CAMERON SHOE-BOT - a twitter bot that, every time Cameron posts, asks him for a photo with a shoe on his head. Makes a change from all the abuse asking him to die anyway. * EBOOK READERS WITH E-INK COVERS - so that you could advertise what book you're reading. Might sound silly but book covers are (were?) a conversation starter. Might stop complaints that, "your nose is always in tech" - people might realise you're reading clever books rather than flicking distractedly at social media. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Join cult: [email protected] Deprogramming: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by *hiding* with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by maf, gkaye, Paul Curry, Matt "WE LOVE YOU" Round, Isaac Mangang, robneymcplum, i.caple, c_kick, gronkpan, thebao, R. Jimlad, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, slartifartfast, ethylmethanoate, kptkiwi. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Gruffi Savalas. If music be the food of love do individual tunes correlate to specific sexy meals? Say Duran Duran's Rio is feeding your lover sauerkraut? ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you find new music a bit annoying as it's made by people 20 years younger than you, explore the music that you avoided as being a bit naff when you were young and cool. Er... we now sort of like Sade now. Oh, and George Michael. Sorry. TOP TIP 2: When your toilet is blocked don't call a plumber - try a £2.50 plunger and a wire coat hanger. Obvious really, but saved us over £40 this morning - and we scored "brownie points" (ho ho) with our lovely partner. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive