we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ONE MINUTE YOU'RE TAKING REGISTER. NEXT DAY YOU'RE ON ONE." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CAT DETECTOR - No more internet kittens for you * BEN GOLDACRE - A 'sexclusive' interview * CUDDLY TOY - Stinky Daddy ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the coupons ___/ _ |/_ > 'Stinky Daddy' kids' toy << "Inspired by childsown.com, I made a kid's drawing into a toy," confesses Damini. "It might be pooping a little bit." http://imgur.com/a/dB5Af >> The Ballad of Peniston << "I've just got a wonderful video for the ballad of peniston," exults flaxen-haired stunt-cock Joel Veitch. "I was done with the glorious smearballs - cop your whack for this:" http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Squirrel jump << "Quick and dirty and a bit shit," self-deprecates smaggers, about this charming revisit to an old meme. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quick_and_dirty:4 >> Gary Barlow hangs out with Prince Charles << Saint Gary sucks up to Lord High Pope Charles. Grr. Aren't authority figures the worst, you guys??? Nice editing from rattlehead. bit.ly/Q81ket >> Michael Jackson: Private Eye << "It's proper good. Promise," promises Jen. Troubled US detective sets up shop in a new country, but is haunted by the ghosts of his whimsical past. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : BEN GOLDACRE INTERVIEW On the launch of his new book 'Bad Pharma' >> Sum up your book in a paragraph Drug companies use exactly the same tricks as quacks to mislead people about the benefits of their pills, but drug companies are a bit more sophisticated, so the science is more interesting. Other than that, you couldn't put a sliver of piss between them. Some of the responses I've had from drug company executives this week have amazed me, they deny things that are very simply and undeniably documented to be true. It's like fighting with homeopaths in suits. >> After reading this book what do you hope >> B3tans will do? I think the problems in medicine will turn out to be like MPs' expenses, or phonetapping journalists: people in these communities convince each other that what they're doing is ok. Then the public get a clear explanation of what's been going on, and suddenly the players are going to jail: MPs, journalists, and soon, perhaps, some doctors and drug company staff. Sunlight is a great disinfectant, and just knowing about this stuff is a start. After that, there is an activism guide in the last chapter. >> How would you save the NHS? This vast, foolish redisorganisation will cost billions, and reduce the quality of care. Labour began by privatising the 'delivery' side of the NHS: the hospitals, clinics, scanners, etc. Now the government is privatising the 'commissioning' side, the planning of healthcare services. Most GPs don't have these specialist skills, they don't want the job, but they're smart people and will press on. As they slowly fail, the job of planning and commissioning care will come to be done by the private sector, as individual consultants, but then private companies will take areas over completely. Then it's all over, but it'll take time. As Aneurin Bevan said: the NHS will survive as long as there are people willing to fight for it. Buy the book, oh B3tans. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000735074... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Shit Claims to Fame II Last week we asked for your flimsiest claims to fame. Some of these are worse than that: http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame2/ * UM BONGO - "I went to see Simple Minds play supported by OMD. We'd queued early and got to the very front with our packed lunches - it was going to be a long day. When OMD came on, they seemed to have a bit of a problem. The crowd weren't very appreciative and there was some booing. They also suffered technical problems and they started a bit of a diva act, shrugging their shoulders and blaming the poor techies. The booing increased, they got more narked, and inevitably objects started flying. Andy McClusky stuck two fingers up and wound everyone up even more. He climbed down off the stage to the haters at the front, slapping everyone as he ran past. Satisfied with his piss-taking, he went to clamber back on to the stage. As he was trying to get up the final section of scaffold, he struggled a bit. I don't know what came over me. I looked down at my lunchbox, took out my carton of Um Bongo and hurled it at him as hard as I could. I'm a shit shot at the best of times, but at the exact moment he finally stood up on stage, the carton hit him squarely on the back of the head. Still unbalanced, my Um Bongo missile sent him sprawling, star-shaped over the floor. 60,000 people erupted into a huge cheer. As Mr McClusky rolled around the stage, people began patting me on the back and congratulating me on my accuracy with fruit-based drinks." (Pooflake) * VERY HARD - "My brother came to visit me in Merseyside. I was DETERMINED to impress him with my well-hard connections, so took him to a bar that, I assured him, was proper gangster. 'Oh yeah, the landlord's a monster. Huge fella, done hard time. Big name in the underworld. One of those faces you kind of recognise cos his mugshot's been everywhere. Me and him are sound though, proper sound.' We arrived, got a drink from him in total silence, and went and sat down. 'Gangster then is he?' my brother asked, 'That's Warrior out of Gladiators you fucking spastic.'" (Wet-chinned bag shanker) * PRODIGY - "I went to see the Prodigy once and afterwards a journalist walked up and told us that he couldn't use his three aftershow party tickets and was giving them to us. I was queuing at the bar for ages trying to get a drink and being ignored, muttering under my breath, when a hand slapped me on the shoulder followed by Keith Flint leaning past me and shouting at a barmaid, 'Serve this guy next, he's been here ages,' before giving me a nod and fucking off. I got three rounds in at once as I suspected this would not happen again." (Guntfuggle Quackblast) >> This Week - ROGUES, VILLAINS & ECCENTRICS << We want to create a list of the world's best nutters. We thought you might know some: http://b3ta.com/questions/roguesandvillains/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * JAVACRIPT CAT DETECTOR - hopefully someone can expand this exciting code to replace all internet cats with pictures of Danny Alexander from the Libby Dems. http://harthur.github.com/kittydar/ * PHILROTICA - Amazing site dedicated to erotic tales of Phil Collins - possibly in the style of 50 Shades of Grey. Best line? "In a last-minute homage to her famous host, she’d accessorised with a pair of silver Converse and a I <3 PHIL COLLINS pin badge. The effect was electric, like the signature keyboard stabs in 'Sussudio'." http://www.philrotica.com/ * FAT BLOG - Concerned of Tunbridge Wells writes, "A wonderful blog detailing one woman's battle against obesity and her attempts to wipe her bottom properly. Contains a discussion of the pros and cons of baryatric hygiene fanny-wipers (apparently one's hanging, fleshy apron can crush the cheap, plastic-handled ones) and the relative merits of sponge-on-stick vs blasting the tagnuts off with a car wheel brush." http://bit.ly/PKDjuc * WiFi DONATION ALARM CLOCK - if you sleep in too long it starts donating your cash to politicians you hate. http://ow.ly/e3GgD * MARTIN LOOFAH KING - "I have a clean" - an ideal gift for the ironic racist in your life. http://bit.ly/TpRIAX ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Sticking the wee into e-commerce * BEATLES STEREO VINYL BOX - we want this very much but blimey £500? We can check if any readers purchase this, via our stats. Are any of you rich enough? Are any of you rich enough to buy it for us? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0041KVW2... * CONVERT YOUR CAT INTO A UNICORN - worth it for the photo of the grumpy-looking cat. http://snurl.com/254uyhe * A GUIDE TO ABANDONED SHOPPING CARTS - "This book is easily one of the top four reference guides for shopping carts available on the market today." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/081095520... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a flickbook with an automatic thumb >> 50 animal impressions << A plethora of amazingly accurate animal impressions - stick with it for the lols. https://www.youtube.com/watch >> Disappointed Hercules << Legendary actor Kevin Sorbo mistakenly reads stage direction as dialogue. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Ex-punk rockumentary << Gem of a find - Ex-UK Subs drummer Steve "Ze Suicide" Roberts is 56, living in York and still rocking on. He seems like a lovely man, whose real life resembles Spinal Tap meets League of Gentlemen. https://www.youtube.com/watch >> Toy train goes to space << Techie dad launches his child's favourite toy into the stratosphere, with a camera attached. Heartwarming stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Flabby physics Confusing at first as this game hides your mouse pointer, just keep pressing space and you'll get the hang of it. http://flabbyphysics.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Probably more cornery than funny TBH * GERMAN LIFTS - and not that Schindler's Lifts one either. http://wanklifte.de/ * WOULD YOU EAT HERE? @ajmaus writes, "A Chinese restaurant in the fair city of Melbourne, Australia, is a worthy contender for your funny name corner." http://www.kumden.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Haunted House Challenge Last week we wanted you to cruelly manipulate a bunch of images we nicked off the web Your favourites included: * TREK: to boldly be afraid of what no man has been afraid of before (Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10850867 * FAB: celebrate the arrival of the new, vastly overpriced Beatles box set with the cast of Sgt. Pepper (ya_what) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10851583 * MAMMARY: sheer terror combined with sneaky bosom tap (Q4nobody.co.uk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10850689 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hauntedhouse/ >> New challenge: Urban Animals << We are all used to urban foxes, but how should the other animals adapt to survive in the modern world? Show us. Show us hard. Challenge suggested by monkeon. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/urban-animals/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HOW TO TRAVEL THE COUNTRY FOR FREE - fatboyginge writes, "well you could be a retired over-60 person with a bus-pass like my dad! Then you can get from London to Leicester in about 8 hours and 7 changes!" Hmm, the trick is look over-60. Bit of talc? * GO AND SEE SOME RETRO-COMPUTING HISTORY STUFF - Anne Rogers writes, "Just wanted to give you an update on our charity auction for TNMOC (The National Museum of Computing) that you featured in issue 542. We raised £2,000, which will go a long way towards the preservation of Britain's computing heritage. They still need a lot more support though, and whether it's Chucky Egg or Cryptography that floats your boat, I think most b3tans would really enjoy a visit. There really is something for everyone." http://www.tnmoc.org ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include... always tricky to write this bit so, as we often do, we'll fill it up with our minor irritations. * TRAINERS THAT DON'T PICK UP DIRT AND LOOK TATTY IN TWO DAYS - it's like there is some kind of built-in obsolescence conspiracy. Capitalism, you tricked us! * A WAY OF GETTING RID OF CALLUSES - fuck knows why we've got them, we haven't done a proper day's work in our life. Wanking probably. * AN OFF SWITCH FOR CHILDREN - ok that's a line nicked from a Douglas Adams novel but, Christ, was he right. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends : [email protected] Enemies : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Stirkovic, ‏@mrjamieeast, PaddedJungle, @drcreek, phnx0, ‏@justinbellinger, ‏@denialvibes, robneymcplum, sinisterduck Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via robneymcplum. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Stop listening to music as background to your life. Make it the foreground. This evening, set aside a good hour to sit and listen to an album. We mean really listen, not wash up or read Twitter. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive