we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUT(KIN)S" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FLUFF - Ticklish meerkay * GIFS - Now with sound! * BISCUITS - Celeb snack database ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving pee-pee ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Biscuits, Penises & Steam >> Celebrity Biscuit Database << What biscuits are favoured by your celebrity of choice? Find out here, or tweet them directly and add your information to this comically comprehensive treat-centred database. "I blame the b3ta interview with nicecupofteaandasitdown," explains @5olly. http://Www.celebritybiscuitdatabase.com >> One-stroke penis << "A couple of guys at work urgently called me over the other week, to explain their new, earth-shattering 'business venture'," begins catfurnace. "Duly, I went away and knocked together what would become OneStrokePenis.com. One chance, one stroke. Draw a penis in one stroke. Do more if you want, but real men finish in one." Are you man enough? http://onestrokepenis.com/ >> What Steam Is For << "My apologies to gamers who take gaming so very seriously that this will make them mad bro," laments somegreybloke. The unvarnished and slightly upsetting truth about what Steam is really for. http://b3ta.com/links/What_Steam_Is_For ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Blue Rock Candy Breaking bad fans should enjoy these reviews of what's obviously sweets but Amazonians are enjoying pretending is crystal meth. Unless, that is, we've got the wrong end of the stick, and Amazon is actually selling meth. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005SWKZG4/... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Blazing Ignorance Last week we asked for spectacular displays of ignorance. Far too many of these feature USAnians on holiday. We think they are trolling you: http://b3ta.com/questions/blaxingignorance/ * ANTELOPE - "The words you never say - not the rude ones, oh no. Everyone says those eventually. I mean the ones that there's no normal reason to say. The words you can define perfectly well, but never tried pronouncing. You see, a professional meeting, aged 27, is NOT the best place to find out that 'Antelope' doesn't rhyme with 'Penelope'. But everyone else had a damn good laugh." (CarpeCyprinidae) * HORSE - "Watching some kind of equestrian event during the Paralympics a couple of days ago, and my first thought was, 'Oh, they've even got disabled horses.' Then I realised it was the dressage." (gibbletwunt) * JESUS - "I met an Australian girl a while back who was hot but astonishingly ignorant. After a few drinks somehow the conversation turned to Hitler and she said that she was always really upset that Jesus just sat back and did nothing about him. Asked to explain her reasoning, she informed us that since Jesus looked about forty when he featured in a film she had seen which was made in the 60s, he must have been about twenty at the start of WW2. She found it astonishing that the son of god must have implicitly supported the Nazi party. Open mouths. What do you do? We all agreed politely, snuck out in ones and twos for fags, and pissed ourselves." (The Admiral's Chair) >> This Week - WORST PERSON FOR THE JOB << To celebrate our new Health Secretary being a fan of hocus-pocus homeopathy, tell us about people spectacularly out of their depth or your own incompetence at your chosen job: http://b3ta.com/questions/worstpersonforthejob/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * ANIMATED GIFS + DUBSTEP - MC. writes, "A mate of mine did this. I can just watch it all day. (Hit refresh top right)." In the future, this will be an entire Sky channel. http://www.dubgif.com/ * FUCK OFF COOKIE LAW - An interesting, and hopefully successful, approach to the irritating-as-fuck EU cookie law. http://nocookielaw.com/ * ANIMALS BEING DICKS - All your favourite moments of creature cuntforts on one handy website. http://animalsbeingdicks.com/ * U2 SLASH FICTION - "Bono gritted his teeth as he felt the insistent pounding of orgasm at the base of his spine" - a hole site of it, you'll feel quite soiled if you actually read it. And never be able to look Adam Clayton in the eye again. http://www.loveisblindness.net/ * SAVE OUR BRIDGES - US infrastructure is fucked. Yay for the land of the free. http://saveourbridges.com/map.html * LONDON TUBE MAP MADE INTO A RADIO - Beautiful bit of circuit design. Now please do Leonardo Da Vinci's Divine Proportion as an egg-timer. http://bit.ly/NYO6hd ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with comments at the bottom on the screen saying rude things >> GIF sound the video. << Imagine if gifs had sound! What a world! http://www.b3ta.com/links/GIF_sound_the_video >> Kubrick: One-point perspective << One-point perspective is when all lines zoom off to the same point. Think looking down a long straight road into the horizon. Kubrick liked this shot a lot. We suspect it was because he saw the world as a huge vagina to stick his camera zoom penis into. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kubrick_One_Point_Perspe... >> Weighty chap sings nicely << Every so often, reality TV or the internet throws up a person with a wonderful voice but utterly the wrong physical appearance for pop music, which is essentially about getting the right face to stick on packets of bubble gum. This guy wouldn't sell much bubble gum, but he can sing, and the traffic shows people responding to him. He's all of us, the fat public, stuffed with crap from supermarkets but somehow a brief moment of nobility. http://pocket.co/s8KxU >> Amazing Music Video << Adam Buxton, half in love with and half irritated by cheapo music videos, brings us his latest, Murdoch-funded entertainment. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Music_Video >> Terry Nutkins vs. S-Express << Very sad news about Lord Nutkins. Remember him this way. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terry_Nutkins_v_S_Expres... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Purchasing Data Manager - Richard Backholer Backholer. What a wonderful surname. Let's not shorten his name to Dick. http://bit.ly/NYQYea ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Deep, Essex, Smiles >> Mysteries of the Deep << "Something mysterious and deep for your consideration," entices Pig Face Turnip. "It's made by me, and B3tan Superdonal filmed it." The deadpan presentation really tickled us. http://b3ta.com/links/853130 >> Robin of Essex << "We just made a thing called Robin of Essex," writes Jon Link. "It's a retelling of the Robin Hood legend, boldly relocated to Medieval Essex: an emotionally-charged, lavish, 6-minute animated epic." Charming, mild lairyness. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Tiny Smiles << "This is a clip from the taster I made for 7k (with the help of b3tard Dave Packer of Sheep films)," writes BIG FACE. "It has some surprising faces in it including old mates from the Boosh. I thought I'd put it out there as our pilot is being aired on friday night on BBC3 at 10pm. I'd love my fellow b3tards to watch it." http://b3ta.com/links/Tiny_Smiles ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Ticklish fluff The tickling reflex is halfway between joy and panic and is being cruelly used in AnimalGuantanamo Bay, on animals suspected of working against capitalist imperialism. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ticklish_fluff ------------------------------------------------- : BIRTHS, MARRIAGES & DEATHS Peregr1n Matthew.Whittaker writes, "Just in case you didn't already know, Peregr1n, recently died in a motorbike accident in California." Too much of this sort of thing. Bad times. http://b3ta.com/board/10843365 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Restoration Challenge Last week we wanted you to restore art, badly. Your favourites included: * CANAL - Millais's popular pre-Raphaelite classic, Ophelia, with added shopping trolley (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10837587 * MIRROR - Jan van Eyck's popular Netherlandish classic The Arnolfini Wedding, with added morons (Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10837398 * CHERUB - William-Adolphe Bouguereau's popular Neoclassic classic, with added Japanese TV mascot (atomic) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10838139 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/restored-art/ >> New challenge: Kids' Slasher Movies << This week's challenge is to take classic kids' films and turn them into scary slasher movies, adapting the characters to make them horrific, violent and despicable. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/slasherkids/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GOODBYE SMELLY HANDS - BourbonBiscuits writes, "The recent newsletter had a plea entitled 'HOW TO GET THE SMELL OF VINEGAR OFF OUR HANDS'. I have a cooking tip to help with that. After cutting up garlic, run the knife under the cold tap and rub your fingertips along the knife (the side! not the sharp bit) to eradicate the smell. I reckon it might work with vinegar too, cos it worked when my hands smelt of cum the other day." * DICK-TV - rnuk writes, "Cut out a cock and balls, and blu-tac it onto your telly. You then laugh when it goes near someone's mouth. Sore-throat adverts and Songs of Praise are usually the best." * GOOD RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES - rumclaren writes, "These are the batteries you want; they're superb, with the always welcome LSD technology too: NIMH+ rechargeable batteries." http://bit.ly/NYOcW5 Similar available on Amazon too: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0025WB4H... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * STICKERS THAT SAY 'GING' - ideal for adding to public signs saying "please clean up after your dog" * iPHONE iPLAYER APP - The BBC have recently upgraded it to allow you to download and watch video off line. Please can they do the same for radio? Would be handy to cue up a few shows before leaving the house. * AN OPEN-SOURCE PHONE - both software and firmware. Looks like these things are pretty much the default camera / PC for most of the world and they are locked down to fuck. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Cyber chums: [email protected] Cum farts: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Scrunt, LOGIK, missanthrope, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Stashie, ‏@RBFesquire, Pig Face Turnip, presferatu, Land of Green Ginger, Joe Scaramanga miss fortunate, Moon Girl Technologies. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Toptip via cupboardy Subjlols via rattlehead. Instead of being forced to do lines, kids should start with smoking marijuana before trying the harder stuff. Wean themselves in. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make your sunglasses look like new by putting them in the top of the dishwasher on a low setting. It really works. (This is a recycled tip from Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's Sunday Times column in the late 90s.) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive