we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DAVID CAMERON IS NOW FOLLOWING YOU ON TWITTER!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ART ATTACK - How to draw a willy * AMAZON TAT - More junk with stupid reviews * DONATE - For the return of Great Giana Sisters ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We are lucky cows, ___/ _ |/_ > Puppy Bot << "Puppy Bot is cute in a gruesome kind of way," claims weebl. We contend that it's gruesome, in a cute kind of way. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Puppy_Bot >> Dinosaurs << "I made this video about dinosaurs. Can you deal with it please? Make loads of people watch it," pleads George Cottier. Watch it - you'll learn something. https://www.youtube.com/watch >> Modern retro arcade << If you're a gaming geek with a bent for tasteful, modernist design then this could be right up your street.. "Thought it might be of interest to your readership?" inquires Tom Goodfellow. "Or maybe you'd like to buy it (;" http://tom-goodfellow.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT More "comedy" reviews for "lol" products * BIRO FOR GIRLS - Best review? "Oh. My. God. I've been doing it all wrong. There was me thinking I didn't need to worry about whether my writing implement sufficiently reflected my gender. Thank you so much Bic for showing me the error of my ways" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004FTGJU... * BANANA SLICER - Best review? "I cut a banana with a knife yesterday and I felt so worn out and lethargic." http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001F5STWU/... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Foot in Mouth Last week we asked you about those times when you've opened your mouth without engaging your brain. Social and workplace embarrassment ahoy! http://b3ta.com/questions/footinmouthtwo/ * SUFFER THE CHILDREN - I was chatting to the female half of a nice young professional couple who had just moved in next door. She had taken in a parcel for me and I was reclaiming it, trying to act like a normal person - chit chat and not being a complete tit, that sort of thing. I was apologising in advance for the amount of noise that our two kids make, trying to make it sound like I was joking, before the subject moved on to jobs. Her partner was a surgeon and she worked at Great Ormond Street Hospital. "Oh right", I trilled, "so you'll be used to the sound of crying children." (Naich) * LOL MISOGYNY - Came home from work to tell the wife that I needed to go to Amsterdam on business. "You going to bring me back something nice?", she asked. "STD!", I volunteered brightly. She didn't see the funny side. (kaptinkurtz) * WORK IS HELL - I approach someone that I dont know that well, and go "Have you got this weeks roster on that computer? Who am I working with tomorrow?". She goes "It's Fred Bloggs" (name changed obviously). I roll my eyes and she asks why. I run blindly into a situation by replying "Because he's a wanker". She says "Do you know who he is?" I wince and go "Your husband?" I was right. And now I have to work with both of them. ( Kung_Fu_Russ) >> This week – THE WANK BANK << What experiences have you had that you've stored in your wank bank - share them so we can start a mutual wanking building society. Send us your filthy memories: http://b3ta.com/questions/wankbank/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Awkward stock video << Collection of the dorkiest, most weirdly-specific stock video footage. 5 bonus points if you've ever seen one of these in an ad. 120 bonus points if you've managed to use one of them in an ad. An ad you directed. http://awkwardstockvideo.tumblr.com/archive >> Sad glans bottom lip << People look strangely unhappy, even disgruntled, when you photoshop the penis out of a blowjob pic, leaving the glans as the lower lip. All this is to say: NSFW, with cocks and such. Don't say you weren't warned. NSFW NSFW AND AGAIN NSFW! http://imgur.com/a/cvLfN >> Dogshaming << Badly-behaved mutts on some sort of 12-step programme. You have to publicly admit the shameful things you've done. http://dogshaming.tumblr.com/ >> Solitaire win << Find Windows Solitaire takes too long to get to the good bit? Here's the reward without the pain. http://mrdoob.com/lab/javascript/effects/solitaire... >> 4Chan messes with Mountain Dew << The soft drinks brand asked for customers to suggest and vote for new drinks flavours. Oh those 4Chan scallywags! http://bit.ly/Nqaujr ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if your 386sx could play video. Wow! >> Art Attack: How to draw a cock. << There should be a word for the type of video where the presenter is making something and the satirist sticks in their own shots of what is being made. Any ideas? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Art_Attack_How_to_draw_a... >> iPhone 5 promo vid. << Apparently the new iPhone will be most used for taking shots of food to be shared on social media. We've just checked our own Facebook feed for see if the satire is accurate and mostly got: babies, weddings and really shit "lol" pictures that make us feel empty despair. http://www.b3ta.com/links/iphone_5_promo_vid >> Home decor revenge << Little brother messes with big brother's facebook profile. Payback is merciless, thorough and extremely pink. http://www.b3ta.com/links/bedroom_painted_revenge >> Dog responds to secret code word << The unexpected comedy goldmine of training your friend's dog to respond to a code word. Superb! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dog_responds_to_secret_c... >> Man-Eater << Bloke invents a silly, little game to entertain people on their daily commute. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Eater >> Sock Five << Oddly poignant, surreal doings, from long-time b3tan David Firth. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sock_Five >> The Revolution Will Be Televised << If you watch one BBC comedy this week if should be this. IF only for the rather brave bit where the presenters turn up at Tony Blair's house and try and fit a stained glass window portraying "Saint Tony." Quite surprised this show was broadcast to be honest. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00vqgx3 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Not making you smile since 1978 Rushy writes, "Please don't hate me, but it's something for funny name corner. Basically a piece on circumcision on males from BBC News. The source they've chosen to interview? Dr Marvin Wang of course. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I love you." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19072761 BTW: We're too lazy to think up a circumciison joke but if we did it would probably be a variation on "we do it for the tips" kind of thing. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME(s) Give up & Project Giana plug >> Give up << Portalesque 2D single screen platformer with ~50 increasingly challenging layouts to clear. We gave up by level 5 and particularly enjoyed pressing the give up button. http://armorgames.com/play/13662/give-up >> Project Giana << Craig Robinson of Gp32 / Pandora fame writes, "I was wondering if you might try to help these guys? They are trying to raise $150k to kickstart a new version of the classic The Great Giana Sisters. I know a lot of the newsletter readers are classic gamers, so it seems worth a try." http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/project-giana/... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the British Comic Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the great history of British comics Your favourites included: * SMOOTH - click the "I Like This" button with wild abandon, for it's the Bash Street Kids, rendered in near-reality (Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10829035 * CHOKE - Brainy, Blinky, Radar, Snitch, Cruncher and Cock (viet_donkey_cong) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10829816 * HEROES: those pesky Bash Street Kids return, and this time they seek justice (Captain Howdy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10830984 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/british-comics/ >> New challenge: Fictional Tourism << Using the mystical power of Photoshop, create travel brochures encouraging tourism to fictional lands and cities, from Narnia to New New York. Challenge suggested by greg_evigan http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fictional-tourism/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TA PERSON BOOK - "Hi B3ta," writes H. O. Charles, "A little while ago I wrote to you about a book I had written, and then I became so embarrassed by my own naivety and lack of confidence that I shied away from the publicity that I had initially sought. "So with much less trepidation (and the support of a few positive reviews) I would like to announce that my first book has been revised considerably, and it is now 56% less shit. I have also published two more, plus a novella. There are a few b3ta references in there (both in text and image), and a likeness of Smug Bastard makes a rather medieval appearance in the second novel. "The first book is part of a fantasy series that centres on a love story and a great many swords. There is a small degree of cheese and a fair bit of complexity. Anyway, please give it a go, and if you feel it's deserved, a small feature in your wonderful newsletter. "The ebook version is free." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0057XSNG... * YADDA YADDA PHONE ADVOCACY - Sandettie LVA writes, "$4.99 is a bit steep for an app to measure your heart rate, when you can download 'Instant Heart Rate' by Azumio Inc from the Android Market FOR FREE! You rest your index finger on the camera lens and it measures colour changes in the flesh. Or something. Don't have an Android phone? Serves you right. Also, Speccies are better than Commodore 64s and Amigas were superior to Atari STs." * SIR IAN BOWLER IN EDINBURGH - "Some may like this. Many may not," writes alter-ego Natt. If you happen to be taking in the Fringe, keep your eyes peeled for the Tory corporo-humanoid. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sir_Ian_Bowler_in_Edinbu... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Cats, computers & ads >> Cute cat movie << "Here's a video we made about being caught in a cat-video viewing cycle," explain hellomums. "How best to break it?" Is there really any escape? http://vimeo.com/47639159 >> Computer party << I made a new thing innit," greets Joel Veitch. "Dave the rabbit decides to throw a computer party and also reveals his mathematical innovation." http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_Party >> New Birds Eye Fish Fingers advert << Clarence the bear takes a minute out of advertising frozen foods, to flash back to his Arctic roots. Brutal stuff from HappyToast. http://bit.ly/NqavDW ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include. Ah fuck it, this week we'll list some minor tech peeves. * WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY THAT'S ACTUALLY WIRELESS - despite Bluetooth, WiFi etc our office is fucking covered in wires. When will we be free from this junk? * FACEBOOK REPLACED BY SOMETHING ELSE - that a. doesn't spy on you and b. can serve you links to newspapers which don't broadcast "John has just read 'Transvestite sought in drugs investigation'" to all your chums. * BETTER iPHONE ICONS - Often we're left hunting for apps on the screen because the icons are non obvious. Spotify is just some green blob with no music on it. Worst is the photos one. A sunflower? Why can't it actually be one of your recent photos? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sexy time: [email protected] Unsexy time: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Enzyme, tim, jellybeanflicker, Melatonin, waz4444, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, ElusiveCamel, dirk speedrift, Pedantichrist, Dawn Of The Bread, redrazil, littlefeet, claptonista & MC. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. This is issue 543. A special number, as it's the number of the best bus route in Wolverhampton. Ride it for the ride of your life. How many fewer books would the great authors have written if their typewriters had a magic button that displayed infinite varieties of porn? ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Trying to work out who keeps stealing your favourite mug from the office kitchen? Simply get a tramp to spit in it and keep an eye out for anyone dying the following week. (MrOli) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive