we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "JULIAN ASSANGE'S FAVE DYLAN SONG? KNOCK KNOCKING ON ECUADOR" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CHEEKY NICE - Kentish Town game show * HAMBURGER - Autotuned * FLUORIDE - Enemy or menace? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're dicking around ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making nice, fruity smells >> Cheeky Flippin' Nice game show << "We stood outside the Job Centre on Kentish Town high street, paid a couple of random people a tenner and took them into our basement," confesses superdonal. "One of the rounds involves them stroking Mr Susan's Willy. I don't think we paid them enough." Nice to see some local, Kentish Town sponsorship involved. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cat + controller << "Here," begins Sheep! (aka Max X), "Is a film about a clever cat that's had enough of his human." A terrifying vision of a world turned TOPSY-TURVY. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Controller >> Rambling on about the economy << "I've tweeted Robert Peston about this," pines somegreybloke, "but he hasn't replied." What has gone wrong with the economy, explained in terms an idiot could understand. And would use. Also, nice video thumbnail painting by Jamie Gibson. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rambling_on_about_the_ec... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Home Science Last week we asked for your home-made science experiments, especially those involving bangs and fire. Some of these you can even do without killing yourself: http://b3ta.com/questions/homescience/ * UNKNOWN DEVICE - "Went to the city highway dept, looking for coloured glass, as they were taking down the old incandescent traffic lights and replacing them with LED arrays. The guy in charge pointed out the scrap heap and told me to help myself. In the heap I also found a strange thing, shaped approximately like a bell, mounted on a bracket. I asked what it was but he shrugged, "Maybe one of those detectors to control the lights? You know, the kind that beeps and looks for an echo?" Sounded fun to me, so I took it along with the lenses. Closer inspection back in the workshed showed that it required standard household current to run via two wires sticking out the side. So I did what any idiot would: I attached a power cord to it and plugged it in. No microwaves emerged. Nothing dangerous happened. But inside my 12'x12' workshed I did now have a fully-working air raid siren. It took me a half hour to stop shaking and to hear properly again." (The Resident Loon) * POO CUISINE - "Some friends and I decided to microwave a piece of human excrement. Though it was but for a fleeting few seconds, the results were clear: 1) a marginal increase in the excrement's temperature, 2) a diabolical smell that remained for several months. It didn't smell of excrement so much as a diseased soul." (Gertcha_cowson) * CUSTARD - "It's possible build a flamethrower from some custard powder, a weed-sprayer, a car battery and some wire. Blow a nice cloud of custard powder into the air over a hot wire and, if the consistency of the cloud is right, it produces an impressive fireball six or eight feet across. Top tip: not all the powder burns. Some of it settles on the ground. If, as you are playing with your flamethrower, you walk around, this is not a problem. If you stop moving and do three or four burns in one place, a decent-sized layer of fuel will build up directly in front of you. The slight breeze generated by the fireball will disturb this layer and you will experience the joys of a secondary dust cloud explosion. These can be surprisingly violent and damage trousers inside and out." (SonofRojBlake) This week's question also brought TheAlmightyBeev out of hiding to tell us about his awesome home experiments website: http://www.thenakedscientists.com/kitchenscience >> This Week - FOOT IN MOUTH - PART TWO << Why put one foot in your mouth when you can put two? We need more of your embarrassing outbursts. Confess all here: http://b3ta.com/questions/footinmouthtwo/ ------------------------------------------------- : NATIONAL COMPUTER MUSEUM CHARIDEE AUCTION Old computers fuck yeah Anne Rogers writes, "I've been a b3tan lurker for 9 years and have never asked for anything before. Please could you include this in the newsletter? Pretty pretty please? We're holding a charity auction event in aid of the National Museum of Computing, at Bletchley Park, in September, and we're looking for lots of lots! Based at the birthplace of computing, it's well worth supporting and well worth a visit. "We'll have 75-100 techies in attendance, coming from all over the UK. The auction funds will support TNMOC in rebuild projects and adding to their collection of functional historic computers - the largest in Europe - which lets visitors get close to the likes of BBC Micros and Sinclairs, right back to Colossus, the world's first programmable computer. Interested parties could contact me on Twitter." http://twitter.com/annerogers Or check out the wonderfully geeky museum here: http://www.tnmoc.org ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * FUCK YOUR NOGUCHI COFFEE TABLE - Blog in which the blogger merely tells the pictures of household items in lifestyle magazines to fuck off. We could probably write a similar one pointing out bits of shitty show off web design that irritate us. http://fuckyournoguchicoffeetable.tumblr.com/ * PANORAMA FROM CURIOSITY LANDER - finally a good use for that VR technology, other than being in a cyber hot tub with the sexy gender of your choice. So what's Mars like? Stony. http://www.360pano.eu/show/ * DISTURBING HENTAI-STYLE ART - funny but also potentially exhibit A in a murder trial. http://imgur.com/a/XuRtU * SECRET ROOMS - oh to be a child and live in a house where your parents have built you secret rooms. http://bit.ly/QIN49y * WOBBLY PENIS-THING - shake it like a Polaroid picture. (Although the kids probably don't get that lyric these days... Shake it like a Wiimote? Shake it like you're having a wank? Or, in the words of Robert Smith, shake it like milk?) http://www.staggeringbeauty.com * CALCULATE YOUR HEART-RATE VIA AN IPHONE - works by measuring light reflection off your face; apparently your whole face pulses with your heart. Extraordinary stuff. Not that we've tried to see if it works - it costs $5 and we don't give a bally fuck what speed our heart is doing. http://bit.ly/QIN5ua ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like Seiko TV Watch that doesn't tell the time * CARLY RAE JEPSEN CHAT ROULETTE VERSION - haven't seen an chatroulette skit for a while. Made us load it up - people didn't like our face and pressed next a lot, so we wobbled a toy Dalek around and shouted, "EXTERMINATE PUNY HUMANS!" Much more popular. http://www.youtube.com/watch * MAN ENJOYS HAMBURGER, GETS AUTOTUNED - considering junk food is as about as healthy as smack, you could see this as an update on Velvet Underground's 'Heroin' and ponder how far as a culture we have sunk. We wish we loved anything in life as much as this guy loves crappy, greasy fast food. http://bit.ly/QIR5uO * GHOST TITS MOVIE - fake trailer for a Hollywood movie about big breasts gone missing. Is this your nightmare? Certainly makes a change from a hungry vagina with teeth. http://www.b3ta.com/links/more_on_tits * GEORGE FORMBY 'IN DA CLUB' - comedian impersonates Formby covering 50 Cent. Although Formby himself sang, "With my little stick of Blackpool Rock, along the promenade I stroll. It may be sticky but I never complain, it's nice to have a nibble at it now and again," so it's all sort of in character really. http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_Formby_In_Da_Club * LOLYMPIC FAIL COMPILATION - we took great delight in not watching the Olympics, the opening ceremony (the NHS is saved by dancing nurses apparently), the bits in-between (£11b that could have been spent on education, housing and health spunked on what exactly?) and the end (a knackered, old pop star asks you to buy an iTunes single; yay.) But, clearly, we couldn't avoid hearing the media talk about it. Remember it this way: a bunch of clips for a Harry Hill clip show: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/olympics/19230791 * LONDON UNDERGROUND SIMULATOR - Apparently an Alan-Partridge sound-alike narrating a London Underground "game". It's pretty tame stuff, but go to around 12:20 for a bit of "action" http://www.b3ta.com/links/london_underground_simul... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Meet the Hitlers Peter and Chris Hitler work in real estate. Hopefully they'll be able to get you a property with a nice lebensraum. http://ires-llc.net/biographies.html ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Pretend to be a Unicorn game Couldn't get anywhere in this, but making the unicorn stumble and fall over made us giggle rather a lot. And maybe that's the point. http://www.foddy.net/CLOP.html ------------------------------------------------- : CUTE 3 Bear cubs rescued from dumpster One upon a time there were three bears who got stuck in a bin. Mummy Bear was very worried, but some nice hairless apes helped out, then uploaded a video to YouTube and congratulated themselves on being very caring, whilst other hairless apes systematically raped and destroyed our precious Mother Earth. Shame on you. SHAME ON YOU! http://youtu.be/14pYl9bBwsI ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Zebra Challenge Last week we wanted you to create magic via the medium of zebra. Your favourites included: * STUD: mischievous nag unloads horse-goo on sleeping pal (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824132 * RIPLEY: in space, no-one can hear you whinny (1.618...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824297 * SISTER: violent spin on classic playground joke (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824277 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zebras/ >> New challenge: British Comics << This week's challenge is to celebrate yesteryear's great British comic books and characters. Your choice is rich and varied, from the Beano and Dandy via Tiger & Scorcher through Rupert The Bear and Commando. Challenge suggested by prodigy69. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/british-comics/ ------------------------------------------------- : DENTAL CARE CORNER Advice on teeth care from our readers Follow this as your own risk: * YAY FOR FOR FLUORIDE - Averydryfino writes, "Re brown stains on teeth: fluorosis can only occur when teeth are being formed, not after they have erupted. In Britain, it's very rare to see fluorosis bad enough to result in brown stains, as we do not have fluoridated water. Fluoride is naturally-occurring (found in real ale and tea!) and helps prevent cavities. By all means, use a fluoride-free toothpaste, as it keeps dentists like me in a job." * YAY FOR NOT USING TOOTHPASTE - sandettie lva writes, "Further to the dental hygiene section of the newsletter (well the brown teeth thing, but I have another revelation), two different dentists have told me, and friends have been told similar by their dentists, that toothpaste is a con and is unnecessary. Brushing with just water is adequate to keep your teeth clean. Although toothpaste does contain a mild abrasive in the form of bicarbonate of soda, replacing the brush often enough that the bristles don't go soft will more than suffice. Apart from that, toothpaste contains a foaming agent which only serves to make you think it cleans your teeth, fluoride which is also unnecessary as there is adequate fluoride in your tap water, and a minty substance which only serves you make your mouth feel cold when you inhale much like any other mints you may eat, and people associate that with freshness, purely down to marketing. Furthermore I have found that merely brushing with tap water has the effect that I no longer suffer with morning breath anymore. Your breath shouldn't smell anyway unless you smoke, have consumed strong tasting foods, not cleaned your teeth or have a throat infection. I recommend you give it a try for a week and then report back." Personally, we suspect the best favour you could do your teeth is pulling them out with pliers so you can give softer blow jobs. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * THE DECONSTRUCTING WORLD - "Cheeky/shameless self-plug approaching," warns Jimtastic. "I wrote a book. And I published it. And now I'm giving all the profits to charity! Kindly check out The Deconstructing World (by R A Farmer - aka me) at lulu.com or amazon.co.uk - written by the sort of brain that loves b3ta, for the sort of brain that loves b3ta. Only with less kittens and shit." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/147105536... * 'TO YOUR HEALTH' EXHIBITION - "Hello you!" greet b3ta stalwarts Hero of Switzerland. "So we're having a little get together and we'd love for you to pop by and have a beer with us, maybe a cider? ...and of course, have a look at some lovely work by some lovely people." http://www.heroofswitzerland.com/ * B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL - mike woz ere writes, "The season is almost upon us and that means that it's the time to make a fantasy football team and convince yourself it's excellent and then stop playing the game in 2 weeks time." We're going to resist saying anything negative about football, because we're all grown up now. http://fantasy.premierleague.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CAKES FOR A LOW-CARB DIET - that means no flour or sugar and they should be made from solid meat. * ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS FOR EYEGLASSES, FEATURING SALT-n-PEPA - "Let's talk about specs baby" * NEW FLAVOURS OF CELEBRITY-ENDORSED CRISPS - smokey bacon could be Salt'n'Peppa Pig. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Witty people: [email protected] Shitty people: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @GigerPunk, ‏@jvmills, @itsdanprice, gronkpan, The Scrunt, Ken Putin, claptonista, wideeye, Captain_lambkin, Fray Brentos, largoembargo, weaver, @mattround. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Wet-chinned bag shanker. Top tip via Theophilous Thunderwulf. ------------------------------------------------- Knock knock. Who's there? Yah. Yah who? FFS, it's not 1997 anymore, the cool kids are using Bing. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Gentlemen! Do a good deed: give teenage girls a much-needed confidence boost by pretending to check them out, when you're sitting opposite them on the Tube. Do you have a tip you'd like to share with your fellow members of b3ta? http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive