we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TWO DAYS UNTIL THE NHS CLOSING CEREMONY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Printer Jam, final Trapped In Tech song * CYRIAK - Makes stuff for Adam Buxton * GIFS - And this time they are spooky ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're glad the Olympics ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Lots of stuff! Yay! >> Printer Jam << "The final part of our 5 part song series about technology!" exclaims ginger umlaut Rob Manuel. "Thanks to @superpowerless for doing a great job with the music, @peepshowcircus for the animation and Mondo for asking us to do it. Hope you enjoyed it. Bye-bye Trapped in Technology, bye-bye, we'll miss all the crazy YouTube comments from teenage Americans who had literally no idea where we were coming from." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The counting song << "Here's something I knocked up for Adam Buxton's Bug TV show," explains Cyriak. "A sure-fire antidote to depression." Ah, the simple joys of early childhood. http://b3ta.com/links/The_counting_song >> Rejigged Galaxy ad << "That's Galaxy as in chocolate, not gadget," sort-of-clarifies kfk, adding more extracurricular activities for the peculiarly furtive, chocolate-eating girl. http://bit.ly/MGOIgN ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Jesus Plasters Leon007 writes, "Just read the latest newsletter, very impressed by the 'Woman rejecting a plate of food' page, but never mind that, I've discovered 'Jesus - first aid in a tin'" Best review? "I had previously suffered a shotgun blast to the head and the doctors said there was nothing they could do. Eventually I discovered these and within seconds of applying the small plaster to the huge hole in my head I was cured. Praise the Lord and his mighty ways." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0014DNPU... BTW: Have you bought some tat on Amazon and added "amusing" comments? Tell us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * SPOOKY GIFS - Graphic artist Kevin Weir takes old black and white photos and animates them. This is what the B3ta board might have looked like in Victorian times. http://fluxmachine.tumblr.com/ * RICH KIDS OF INSTAGRAM - in a series of photos that can only provoke class war, the foolish kids of the rich show off their bling. Their parents presumably would be horrified: the way to stay rich is to be unobtrusive. http://richkidsofinstagram.tumblr.com/ * SEX QUESTIONS FORM SEVENTH GRADERS - always fascinating to hear kids trying to understand the world. http://sexquestionsfromseventhgraders.tumblr.com * WHAT'S STEVE JOBS TYPICAL DAY LIKE? - check the last answer (says '1 Answer Collapsed'). Ho ho ho. http://b.qr.ae/MGOOoJ * SOMETIMES INTERESTING THINGS - a website for "weird, forgotten and sometimes interesting things." We particularly enjoyed reading about Giethoorn; a town with no roads - sounds like a paradise. http://sometimes-interesting.com/ * GUERRILLA ART ON THE TUNE - great stickers on London public transport. You'll probably get shot for doing this these days mind you. http://bit.ly/MGP07t ------------------------------------------------- : STEVIERAR WRITES A BOOK A real one, not that Kindle/Lulu bollocks You've seen Stevierar's punning venn diagram images - we've front-paged loads of them. He writes, "I have written a book, called 'Falafel the Cat', I've been working on it for about for four years now. I've finally got it printed (properly, I was brave and went straight to a printer)." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/095732460... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Screwed over by the man We asked for your stories of being stiffed by employers, stepped on by authorities or anything else that left you miffed: http://b3ta.com/questions/screwedover/ * BANNED - "I used to be in a jazz band called 'The Banned' We were playing a jazz medley of Christmas carols in fancy dress. Our drummer had gotten rather excited and was wearing a full size padded Frosty the Snowman costume, complete with giant head. The heating was on full blast, and all the stage lights were on and halfway through the medley the drummer got dizzy with the heat and stopped playing, resting his head in his hands. The kids in the audience watched as Frosty decided to get off stage. He wobbled his way out of the kit, wove through the rest of the band, and then lost his direction and staggered stage front. "Oh dammmnnnn..." he said slowly, the sound muffled through the thick costume. We kept playing. Perhaps we could write this one off as an interpretative dance. Frosty staggered stage left, and then reeled back from the curtain and, finally, fainted. Two hundred kiddies screamed as the snowman collapsed and his head fell off, rolling... slowly... slowly... into the middle of the stage, where its cold dead coal eyes stared at them accusingly. It was a great gig. I don't see why they refused to pay us." (Sivvus) * ZAPPED - "There is no creature so foul as a London letting agent. After we'd been in our three-storey house for a couple of months, the top floor bathroom started leaking. They sent some cowboy builders round, after which the leak got considerably worse. They refused to revisit a problem "that was fixed already." Over time, the leak made its way to the 1st floor, where the ceiling gently dripped and various interesting mould and fungi grew. Then, during a particularly heavy storm, it poured trhrough through the light fitting in the living room. Our contract was ending, but rather than fix the place up, they immediately tried to let it to hapless students. Various teenagers trooped in and out, one with her mother. We had a big sign next to the light switch reminding us not to use it. "DO NOT USE THIS LIGHT OR YOU WILL ELECTROCUTE YOURSELF AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, KTHXBAI" The mother asked what this was about. "There's nothing wrong with it, it's lies, the current tenants want to stay, they just put that sign there to put you off," said the agent. "In that case, you won't mind switching on the light." Caught between admitting he'd lied and zapping himself, he proved enough of a stupid fuckwit to switch it on, predictably causing massive blue flashes to light up the house like some sort of potentially lethal Christmas tree. (grandmasterfluffles) * BUSTED - "I got screwed over by these three guys claiming they caught a real nasty "Class 5 Free Roaming Vapour" in my hotel ballroom. Had to fork out $5000 or they were going to put it back in there. Mrs. Van Hoffman wasn't happy about her party being ruined either." (Claude Speed ) >> This Week - Home Science << Have you split the atom in your kitchen? Made your own fireworks? Fired a bacon rocket through your window? We love home science experiments - tell us about your best here: http://b3ta.com/questions/homescience/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Anal Sheikh In the week where the guy in the line for the US Presidency doesn't know the difference between Sikh and Sheikh (or worse, he does know, but wants to insult people) let us introduce you to our new favourite solicitor who hopefully won't use the power of law to shut us down after we mention him. https://www.google.co.uk/search ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if VHS flew magically through the air * INTERESTING TOXIC WASTELAND - Ed Blackadder writes, "In the early 1900s, an attempt was made to turn to turn a Californian desert into an artificial sea. This 5 minute film tells the story of how it all went wrong." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Funny short made with Source Filmmaker << Source Filmmaker is a 3D animation tool that lets you create movie sequences inside the Team Fortress game - the Windows version is free to download and people are doing amazing things with it - including this clip that features motion capture via Xbox Kinect controllers. The tools to create the next Toy Story are now available for your local PC. Amazing times. http://bit.ly/MGP2Mz >> Cockneys Vs Zombies << Twitter legend and occasional Dr Who writer James Moran has written a new movie that looks like it could be rather entertaining and apparently set in a campy parallel world where the London's cockneys actually live in the East End, rather than moving out to Essex a generation or two back. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cockneys_Vs_Zombies >> Tom Waits - Hell Broke Luce << New Tom Waits video apparently about Jeff Lucey, a marine who committed suicide after returning from Iraq. We suspect the solution to military suicide is in many ways simple: stop asking soldiers to execute horrific wars. If the job was, say, stroking bunnies all day, a lot less suicide. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tom_Waits_Hell_Broke_Luc... ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY Harry, my cat died... Takartha80 recommends, "Twitter account @Harrymycatdied, which retweets when One Direction fans tell Harry Styles that they've got a dead cat." Epic, epic trolling. http://twitter.com/HarryMyCatDied ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Wild West Web Challenge Last week we wanted you to picture the cowboy internet. Your favourites included: * JOKE: splendid early example of charming, race-based web humour (greg_evigan) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10819557 * 419: those pesky scammers, seeking to con the bushwackers and biscuit shooters of the West (drbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10819592 * DUEL: he might be the man with no name, but you can bet he has an Apple ID (Q4nobody.co.uk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10819428 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wildwestweb/ >> New challenge: Zebras! << It's National Zebra Week. And, if it isn't, it ought to be. To mark the occasion, we'd like you to photoshop this magnificent beast, perhaps the stripiest of all the horse-creatures. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zebras/ ------------------------------------------------- : FEAR OF MURDOCH CORNER Don't upset the grand wizard A reader wrote wrote us an email this week slagging off Fox News. Nothing out of the ordinary but we enjoyed the follow-up email sent two minutes later: "EEK, IMPORTANT, HELP! If you use it in the newsletter please use my *name redacted* and not my email name, as I am sort of affiliated with Fox and would rather not be murdered by Murdoch's ninjas, thanks very muchly..." ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HOW NOW BROWN TEETH - Jamtarts writes, "You're asking about how to stop those brown stains on teeth, one of the symptoms of dental fluorosis is brown, mottled teeth. Use non fluoride toothpaste. Results will not be instant, but at least you'll stop adding to the problem." Hmm googling this stuff takes us down a rabbit hole of tin-foil-hattery about fluoride being a mind control drug used to lower our IQ and close our psychic third eye so we can't unlock the programming created by the media. And we just thought our teeth we brown because we drink too much tea! * DICK FUN - Simon 049 writes, "The Dick Cockhead item is real. I worked with him (in the ambulance service, after he left the police) although he had changed his name by deed poll by the time I met him. Colleagues told me that was his old name and I didn't immediately believe them either. He's retired now, but I expect a few of his old colleagues will see this as B3ta is something we read (on night shifts, when there aren't any managers around)." * MICROWAVE WOE - The Togaboy writes, "I just saw the top tip at the bottom of this weeks newsletter. I don't know if anyone's told you yet, but putting water in a microwave is a really dangerous thing to do. Quite a lot of people have been hurt this way." Hmm, probably dangerous but we used to like microwaving water then dropping instant coffee in it to see it foam up. Simple pleasures of the 1980s. http://www.animations.physics.unsw.edu.au/jw/super... * ANGRY COMPLAINTS - Tina writes, "Your disgusting language attacking Deila Smith is pathetic. In wanting to know more about poaching I would follow Delia than pathetic pin heads like you who prefer foul language to civilised behaviour. People like you make the world a worse place." Tina is of course referring to our ancient cooking advice that featured the extremely upsetting passage, "A poached egg shouldn't look like a mucus covered fried-egg. Delia knows jack-shit about poaching eggs." We're very, very sorry. http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Even more stuff! More Yays! More Lympics! >> Lucky London couple catch all GB medals << Unbelievable as it may sound, "one lucky couple from London has an amazing knack of picking events where GB will win medals." Jurassicpaul has the inside info on this statistical anomaly. http://b3ta.com/links/Lucky_London_Couple_Catch_al... >> Games Fever << "You can't escape it," intones Bewley. And, indeed, even London's bacteria seem to have got in on the act. http://b3ta.com/links/Games_Fever >> The starter man's authority << "Iamthemonkey and I thought the starter man at the 100 metres should really take full advantage of his position of authority," expounds superdonal. Athletes need to learn to respect the man with the gun... http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * YOUR SHIT COMEDY TATTOOS - ginger love muscle suggests, "Entertain people by tattooing the words 'Where's Wally?' onto your chest, and a small caricature of wally around your anus." * AUTO TRANSLATE VIDEO FOR LOLS - you know those websites that translate a phrase backwards and forwards to create amusing phrasing? Code one that takes the subtitles from a movie and does the whole thing in real time? Preferably to be watched with non-English audio. * SNOOZE BUTTON FOR ITUNES/SPOTIFY - we often put it on pause to watch a YouTube video etc and then forget to put it back on. Something that just made it quiet for 3 mins might help. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- This newsletter was written listening to Mike Oldfield - the lack of lyrics makes him easy to work to. Reading up on his music via Wikipedia we learn that his Amarok album contains a hidden message. Oldfield offered £1k prize to person who found it. Message was - in morse - Fuck Off RB (Richard Branson). ------------------------------------------------- Cool(ish) cats: [email protected] Foolish twats: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SickRik Valentin stuartalldred rob.elli Jimbotfu SleeplessAndy Lord of Teh 9 King Ralph Alzo francis.li Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Drunken Miss Photoshop Bitch. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: For a window into the deepest pits of human despair, search Twitter for TravelodgeUK. Saturdays and Sundays are particularly good when the punters realise that they are not at a Premier Inn. (Scaryduck) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive