we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "OFFICAL PURILE DIGITAL ARTS COMMUNITY PARTNER OF THE 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MAN OF STEEL - Rejected trailer * NERDERY - Choose Your Own Adventure best deaths * JEREMY HUNT - Disco remix ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Finding willies and ___/ _ |/_ > MAN OF STEEL - Rejected Music << "A while back, me and my rapper friend MC Wreckshin pitched some music for the trailer of the new Superman film Man Of Steel", writes Superpowerless, "It was rejected." And what an error Warner Bros made, for this is truly excellent. http://b3ta.com/links/MAN_OF_STEEL_Rejected_Music >> Fifty Shades Generator << "We've created what could be the future of erotic fiction," opines McChaff. "At the click of a button, you get original and truly horrific 'mommy-porn' literature that manages to rival its inspiration in cringeworthyness." Lorum ipsum is for pussies. http://www.fiftyshadesgenerator.com/ >> Boris Johnson's Olympic welcome << Tow-headed toff Boris describes the sporting delights in store. "Watch it while you can," advises casetteboy. "It uses the Olympic logos, so who knows, it might get taken down." http://bit.ly/MJXgDm >> How gadgets work << Thoughtful piece by Sheep!, in his guise as Max X, explaining just how everyday technology such as the mobile phone acquires its magical properties. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_film_about_how_gadgets... >> Stallion Explosion's puppet frenzy << "Hey I've shoved up a puppets thingy," beams Joel Veitch. We like Joel, we like the puppets, we lurve the title sequence, which should be the new opening to News at Ten. BONG! BONG! BONG OF DEATH! http://bit.ly/O1CNZ3 ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Choose Your Own Adventure - Deaths << Blog showcasing the bestest deaths from the multiple choice gamebooks that were all the rage in the 80s and 90s. We were always partial to page 14 of the GrailQuest books, where you were resurrected by Merlin and then told off for being feckless and wasting time. http://youchosewrong.tumblr.com/ >> Surprise clown! << "I hate my boyfriend. I pissed myself x4. So far." Sustained joke or a sinister gaslighting campaign? http://imgur.com/a/rjTfN >> Do you suck at your religion? << The Oatmeal helps you assess just how good you are at your chosen belief system. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/religion >> 100 Worthwhile DOS Games of the 90s << Fire up your water-cooled, UV-underlit MS-DOS gaming 'rig' and check out these beauties. Or take out your false teeth, suck on a Werthers Original and reminisce about how the games of yesteryear were so much better than today. http://bit.ly/QNNznL >> '8 Amazing Drowned Buildings' << Architectural beauties that were deliberately flooded, to the delight of photographers everywhere. The main criterion for being on this list is to be a church - no-one gives a fuck about your aquatic Netto. http://bit.ly/Mb8Asa >> Terry Gilliam's personal archive << Holly Gilliam, Terry's daughter, blogs the gems she discovers as she re-organises the great man's personal archive. It's only been going a week, but worth keeping an eye on if you're a fan. http://hollydgilliam.blogspot.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but you're allowed to watch it at work >> Jeremy Hunt Disco Bell Remix << The jokes about Hunt having his "bell end come off in his hand" are already tedious but this short remix by The Poke is a campanologist's delight. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Five men under a nuclear explosion << Ah, the Fifties - such a different era. These soldiers were excited to volunteer to stand directly underneath an exploding nuclear bomb, in the name of Science. Except for the guy holding the camera, he was just ordered to do it. http://n.pr/NMgZ2l >> Mastermind: Stupidity of Fr. Dougal McGuire << Excellent-value specialist round from Celebrity Mastermind, like a Father Ted greatest hits in quiz form. http://bit.ly/Mb8Oj9 >> Bungle's screen test for Jaws << Rare footage of the Rainbow bear's first, hesitant steps in his fledgling acting career. Part of some big Comic Relief thing in aid of puppets or something - Bagpuss is also worth a look. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bungle_screen_test_for_J... >> Cop movie 'snappy banter' << We've never seen Samurai Cop but, judging from this, it's hard to tell if the acting or the writing is the worst thing ever. The actors seem genuinely baffled by the words coming from their own mouths. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 1980s optical illusion << Instructions on how to create your own, baffling 'Ames Window' - with the bonus of the lovely retrocity that comes with footage from a 1980s TV show. http://youtu.be/OIGaDXH9v2o ------------------------------------------------- : TOKENISTIC OLYMPICS CORNER Janey Thomson's Marathon live event A few years back Matt Round and your Ginger Fuhrer produced a joystick-waggling Marathon game. Matt writes - "It would be fun if people played Janey Thomson's Marathon along with the women's marathon race on telly. I'd happily give a medal for the best highlights video uploaded of a winning attempt. I like the idea of people struggling & sweating to hammer away at a couple of keys while the world's best athletes actually run it..." http://www.e4.com/game/janey-thomson-s-marathon/pl... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Twice the "funny" twice the unmitigated shit * CHINESE FOOTBALLER - his parents scored an own goal with this name. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wang_Shouting … * PC DICK COCKHEAD - we're still struggling to believe this can be real. https://twitter.com/jonnypelham/statuses/228174424... ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY @KimKierkegaard The philosophy of Søren Kierkegaard mashed with the tweets and observations of Kim Kardashian. Sample tweets include "Lazy day poolside! Best french toast ever. No other loss can occur so quietly as the loss of one's self." "Good morning Miami! Here everything lies naked and visible before God, and consciousness has nowhere to hide." "My soul always turns back to the Old Testament & Shakespeare. They hate, love, murder their enemies. What could be more summery than that?" https://twitter.com/KimKierkegaard FYI: We've just looked up Søren Kierkegaard trying to find some fun facts. There are none. Not one. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Sheds Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the magnificence of Sheds Your favourites included: * LAWN: death stalks from below, bringing its all-weather, varnished terror (Captain Howdey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10810801 * JACK: off-season caretaker takes umbrage at wife's invasion of tool-storage privacy (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10811525 * NEON: madcap catnip stroboscopic disco chaos (HEKIM) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10814138 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheds/ >> New challenge: Guns << Everything, with the possible exception of film premieres, is improved by adding guns. So add guns. To everything http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/guns/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WHAT TO DO WITH FOXNEWSUK? ASCII Cat writes, "A year ago I registered FoxNewsUk.Com and it's just come up for renewal - I'm paying $10 a year to keep this going, so I've switched it to mirror a website about foxes, but I wonder if any B3ta readers can think of another use for it?" If you've got some ideas then make sure you tell us. http://www.foxnewsuk.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COOKIE CUTTER - Alistair Coleman writes, 'A "YES, I ACCEPT YOUR COOKIE POLICY" APP - We're already sick to death of "accepting cookies" on every single website we visit, on every single browser, on every single device. Somebody make something that will make it all go away.' * TEETH THAT DON'T GET STAINED - we clean our teeth, we floss, we don't smoke, so why do we keep having to go the dental hygienist to stop our teeth going brown? It's not fair. * RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES THAT DON'T NEED RECHARGING - they are such a fucking pain. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- SUBS: [email protected] BLUBS: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bole982, Happosai, ‏@seanan_kerr, Smale, skintagain, mrandrist, Shinigawa ‏@Samegreattaste @RobinEmm Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Defecate by contracting your abdominal muscles, causing intra-abdominal pressure to increase, lowering your perineal wall, causing the ano rectal angle to decrease from 90 degrees to less than 15 degrees and relaxing your external anal sphincter. If possible, sit on a toilet first. Sorry, should've mentioned that earlier. ( Zuowan) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive