we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DAVID BECKHAM HAS FRY ON HIS SHOULDER OVER OLYMPIC OMISSION" next issue » « previous issue "DAVID BECKHAM HAS FRY ON HIS SHOULDER OVER OLYMPIC OMISSION" "FUCK OFF OLYMPICS, WE'RE GOING TO PLAY CATCH INSTEAD" "IS IT TOO LATE TO GIVE IT TO PARIS?" This Week: * VIDEO - Keith The Magic Homeless * AUCTION - Jim'll Fix It chair for sale * DRUGS - Two songs about Cocaine ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |"We're saving our toenails ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> Keith The Magic Homeless << "He's a magic tramp with a swirly portal in his gut that sometimes kills people," sings Paint my Album, to the theme tune of 'Keith the Magic Homeless'. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Keith_The_Magic_Homeless >> What is the Higgs Boson? << "In case you heard the rumblings from the LHC last week, and the subsequent rush to explain what on Earth it means..." begins TheAlmightyBeev, "We thought we would put together a little video to explain what a Higgs Boson really is." Simple and effective. Relatively simple, at least. http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_is_the_HIggs_Boson >> Sherlock Holmes: King of deduction << "Here's a Sherlock sketch from our pilot," explains Ted Riley. "Because all this started a few years ago when you people were so nice about our clips on here, and...and... blub... and... blub-blub... we just bloody love you all so much...BLUBBBBBBBB." http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Sherlock_sketch >> Greybloke on same sex marriage << If you think same sex marriage should be legal, you may be misinformed. Such is the argument of monochrome shut-in somegreybloke. http://bit.ly/MlYPY7 >> Skyfall opening credits << "I for one am getting very excited," sings thecrapgatsby. "Although rhymes for 'skyfall' turned out to be quite tricky..." http://www.b3ta.com/links/First_look_at_Skyfall_op... >> Man in a Cat << A heartwarming comedy about a tiny man that lives inside a cat. "It stars Kevin Eldon, Josie Long, and Isabel Fay. Written by myself and director Louis Hudson," explains Ravonski, who, like all b3ta's contributors, is now reaping the benefits of BIG-TIME MEDIA SUCCESS. http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_Consuming_Love_Man_i... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Cunning Plans Last week we asked if you had any cunning plans that were absolutely fool-proof and 100% guaranteed not to go wrong. How, we asked, did they go wrong, or are you still waiting for that fatal flaw to manifest itself? http://b3ta.com/questions/cunningplans/ * FUNNY MONEY - When I was a child I found a lot of money lying around the house in a box at home. There was so much money that I thought nobody would miss one of the crisp twenties, so I took one and ran out of the house. This was 1982; £20 seemed like a fortune in those days, especially as a six year old. My cunning plan was to go to the shops at the top of the road and spend it all on sweets. In reality, this was a terrible idea but I didn’t let logic get in the way of this genius plan. So I put on my boots and hat, grabbed my pet dog and made the short journey to the nearest shop. On entering, I was greeted by the shopkeeper, who looked a bit taken aback at how young I was, but asked how he could help. I asked for twenty quid's worth of cough candy and other different assortments of sugary goodness. He looked a little concerned that one so young had twenty pounds in the first place and enquired whether I had the money to pay for all this stuff. Quick as a flash, I proudly whipped out the crisp twenty and placed it on the counter. Rather than accept the note, he slowly walked up to the phone and said: "Is that Mr. Arrow? Great, because your son has raided your monopoly set again." (Broken Arrow) * DISHING THE DIRT - A cunning plan to minimise washing up and related chores: 1) Have 2 dishwashers installed into your kitchen. 2) Own exactly enough crockery and cutlery to fill one of them, and no more. 3) Keep them all in one dishwasher. As you use them, place them back in the other one. 4) When that's full, simply run the cycle, then begin moving things in the other direction. Hey presto: no need to ever empty the dishwasher and put stuff away. (Moon Monkey) * SERIOUS BACKFIRE - I once had a cunning plan to seduce a bloke I rather fancied. During a party time at my parents' house, I nabbed an empty lemonade bottle and poured in bits of alcohol from various bottles, then topped it up with cola. Cunningly, knowing he was a smoker, I hid his fags and volunteered to go with him to the nearest garage to buy some more, taking my bottle of 'cocktail mix' with me. I made sure I took him to a garage a mile away, giving us plenty of time to drink my little potion. We walked, we talked, we bought fags, we sat in a field on the way back for a smoke and to drink more. Sitting in the moonlight, my head suddenly started to spin. I looked over at blokey and he smiled at me. I smiled back, he leaned in for a kiss, and I puked on his shirt. Needless to say, he was a bit miffed and I never got a snog. (Smash Monkey) >> This week - Burn in Hell << "Repent ye sinners!" demands your Ginger Fuhrer. Tell us about a dreadful thing you've done that means you'll burn in Hell. If you're an atheist and don't believe in Hell, give yourself a pat on the back, and tell us tales of evil you've done that can be taken entirely out of context by nutbags. http://b3ta.com/questions/burninhell/ ------------------------------------------------- : NEWSLETTER TIEBREAKER COMPO Sqweel 2 winners announced The best answers to the tiebreaker to win a very curious sex toy with 10 tongues were: "I'd like to use a Sqweel 2 to save me the bother of having to lick my wife's fanny." (mictoboy) "I'd like to use a Sqweel 2 to pitch to Apple as an innovative CPU cooling fan. Not only does it fit in with the aesthetic styling of their products, it also carries on their company ethos of bringing pleasure to cunts." (Draconacticus) "I would use this device to give little legless ducks the power to swim again." (prodigy69) Complete answers here: http://b3ta.com/board/10801901 Or read about the Sqweel 2 on the Lovehoney site. (Page it links to is sort of safe for work, if rubber tongues are safe for work - there's no nudey stuff anyway.) http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Innovations catalogue 2.0 Jubtastic1, "Found one of those Amazon products with helpful reviews pages that give you the stiffies, it's for a book containing a million random numbers." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/083303047... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Jim'll Fix It chair for sale << If the dream you always wanted to come true is to actually own Jimmy Savile's amazing TV chair then you can 'fix it' for yourself at the low, low price of £12k. http://bit.ly/MpN4ud >> Hansi, the girl who loved the Swastika << Amazing children's book, from post-War America. She was going to be the best Nazi in her school, but then... http://scr.bi/MlZ7hv >> "Metropolis" (1927) U.K. Premiere Programme. << Fritz Lang's social dystopia is as relevant now as it ever was, but the extraordinary detail shoved into the programme isn't something we'd imagine seeing today, as cinema is now 99% selling sugary drinks and telling kids they are terrorists for downloading an MP3. http://www.peterharrington.co.uk/blog/2012/07/metr... >> Kittens take over the BBC << There's something quite lovely about every news story being represented by a happy kitten, rather than a miserable human being. Meowbify.com lets you do this to any site, in case you think the internet doesn't have enough cats. Stick it in your browser, meowser. http://cat.www.bbc.co.uk.meowbify.com/news/ >> Classic films in Ottoman style << Movies, represented as exquisite ancient Middle-Eastern paintings including Clockwork Orange, which we recently re-watched and you should too. http://on.be.net/Nv48hO >> Babies that look like Mark E Smith << The Fall's raddled front-man reincarnated in baby form, like a hard-living Dalai Lama. http://bit.ly/Nv4aGu >> Bad questions for Yahoo Answers << Page after page of questions no normal, adult person could even conceive of. Basically, kids checking up on stuff they heard in the playground. http://badquestionsforyahooanswers.blogspot.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but smaller and trickier to censor >> Cocaine song #1 << A cheery cokehead sings about his wonderful life. Are the Lonely Island guys really that young? *googles* Aha, all born in 77/78, it's the magic of Hollywood then. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drugs_is_bad_mkay >> Cocaine song #2 << Annoyingly lovely close harmonies on another druggie melody - a little bit like the song Something Stupid meets the movie Traffic. http://bit.ly/NgcXRG >> Boy films himself coming out to his mom << Things to tell your your mum on camera: 1. You've got AIDS 2. You're joining scientology 3. You're going to look for your real mum. This is number 4: http://bit.ly/Mpo9bO >> The Dark Knight and 60's Robin << Christian Bale's caped crusader and Burt Ward's boy wonder collide. Violently. (There's probably also humour to be had in taking audio from campy versions of superhero movies and sticking it on modern dark ones.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Dark_Knight_and_60s_... >> Douglas Adams & Peter Cook << Total nerd-gasm - two legends on the same, topical news-based TV show. We'd forgotten HIGNFY had been going so long - Paul Merton looks like someone from the Happy Mondays. The one who was addicted to sausage rolls rather than Es. http://bit.ly/Ngd67J ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny like cancer is funny Plssilver writes, "I laughed like a child when I saw the PhD student's name." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-18783069 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Mario Crossover Play classic Mario maps with Nintendo characters including Link, Samus, Bill R, Simon and Megaman. We like the one with a gun. Someone should remake Tetris with a gun. http://www.mariocrossover.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the BBC Challenge Last week we wanted you to create something using only the pictures found on BBC 'News Day In Pictures.' Your favourites included: * ANDY MURRAY - he's worth about £24million - most of his cash from sponsorship deals, including changing his name to a popular brand of mints. (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10803396 * SHOOTING THE QUEEN - this GIF is probably treason. To the Tower with Ham O'Shanter. http://www.b3ta.com/board/10804867 * WATER FOUND ON MOON - quite exciting actually. Water will help us lube when we fuck a Clanger. http://www.b3ta.com/board/10801254 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/week-in-pictures/ >> New challenge: Self portrait << After about 10 years of us avoiding doing the self portrait challenge somehow it slipped through. We never wanted to run it as we always figured it's something that's of more interest to the person making the picture and not of huge interest to the audience. But hey, fuck it, we've been overruled. http://b3ta.com/challenge/SelfPortrait/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FAT I - Mong The Merciless writes, "Follow up on Leo losing weight. My ex-father in law could easily beat that. He lost 6 stone in four months with no dieting, exercise or any change in routine at all. Took drugs every day as well. Hardcore. But then he did have pancreatic cancer." * FAT II - jpkeates writes, "Re: CALORIES ON BOOZE PACKAGING. Obviously, the drinks industry doesn't want them as they're not good adverts. More to the point though, they'd be misleading. Your body normally has different ways to process incoming food, make the incoming energy available for use now or store it for later use (mostly as fat). Which way it processes or in what combination depends on how much food there is, what it is, what you're doing, your normal activity levels etc. Unless you're drinking alcohol. While the liver is processing the alcohol away (at a rate of one unit an hour) the body just thinks 'fuck it' and converts everything to fat. So calories in booze are 'worse' than other calories, because they're basically going to be fat. Food eaten with booze, also. *sob*" Note that we have no idea if this is true - googling "fat and alcohol" produces a lot of conflicting advice. And some disturbing photos. * FAT III - "How fat are you compared to everyone else in the world?", asks Enzyme, "I come in at "average for Eritrea". Go me. Also, feel free to make your own jokes about /talk, /QotW, or internet users in general." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18770328 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * 50 SHARDS OF GAY - fifty erotic fictions where the Shard has full, penetrative, anal sex with the custodians of the neolib dream, such as David Miliband, Jeremy Hunt and Danny Alexander. "The Shard's enormous point pressed into the small of David's back. 'I want you make you a woman, Miliband,' growled the building formerly known as the London Bridge Tower. * FACEBOOK WIND-UPS - cowboyfromhell121 writes, 'Every time one of your friends posts a picture of themselves, immediately post a status simply stating the most noticeable garment that they are wearing e.g.; "Volcom cap!", "Black Sabbath t-shirt!".' * iPODS THAT PLAY TWO MP3s AT ONCE, so you can listen to audiobooks with a 130BPM beat - ideal for exercise etc. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends : [email protected] Twats : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sPUNKer, mr_mekon, Scaryduck, BrokenCoccyx, Amadeus, BadBadman, Tab Hunter, tangledupinblue, Mex3, Stashie, pissflaps. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Alistair Coleman is stand-in QOTW Bloke. Top tip 2 by Corbo. Find watching paint dry boring? 5mg of LSD will produce the most enthralling psychedelic hallucinations. Subjlols via yanmania & Barbarossa. Chubby Checker, Fats Domino and Porky Pawn. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Tabasco and Marmite make a great toast topping. Salty and hot - delicious. Much like spunk. TOP TIP 2: PIG IN THE CITY Achieve modern digital photo effects by printing your photo and leaving it in a frame for 30 years. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive