we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FOREIGN? TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING? YOU'RE A TERRORIST" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * B3TAN RECIPIES - Some of them almost eatable * TIEBREAKER - Win a wheel with 10 tongues * SONG - Phone Rage ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing words and ___/ _ |/_ > Phone Rage << "I really hate phones!" bellows Rob Manuel, b3ta supremo. "Who makes calls these days? The only people who ring me are giving me bad news! Me, @superpowerless and @Peepholecircus have made part three of our Trapped in Technology rock opera." http://robmanuel.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/phone-rage... >> No Friends << "A Friends intro for those who don't have any," explains CaptainTrain. Poignant. http://bit.ly/NHz3ao >> City Trader FTW << BIG FACE has a BBC sketch show pilot. "The original taster tape was made in a cupboard with fellow b3tan Sheep. I wanted it to have a home-made b3ta tone and I achieved this by wanking and screaming in the dark whilst writing and directing it and you can see it (a clip, I mean) here:" http://bit.ly/OnPuNL The full thing here: http://bbc.in/LURU7W ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK The Dictator's Handbook: a Practical Manual Think you can handle the ultimate power? This book will show you the way: 13 easy steps to being the world's next tyrant, with 14 illustrations by HappyToast. -- 'This book sucks. I want my money back.' -- Moammar Khadaffi -- 'Total crap. I already know all this.' -- Kim Jong Il http://dictatorshandbook.net ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The B3ta Cookbook Last week we asked for your recipes, cooking tips and favourite ingredients... ah, who are we kidding. We asked for stories about shit food that screwed your digestive tract: http://b3ta.com/questions/cookbook * FIRE IN THE HOLE! - "I rather foolishly once allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night before a festival. As far as I can tell his recipe was as follows: take pack of shitty, cheap mince; add most of a container of chili powder, one chopped white onion, a tin of cheap tomatoes, kidney beans and cumin; throw into a saucepan and cook over fierce heat until the bottom smoulders and welds itself to the pan. Serve to friend who's about to spend 4 days in a field with terrifying portaloos. I managed 1/3 of a bowl before my eyelids were sweating so fiercely I couldn't see. I ran for a pot of Greek yoghurt. Nothing. Tried fresh fruit, banana, chocolate, milk - nothing would extinguish the flames. But this was only the start. Seriously, my arsehole was like a fucking oxyacetylene lance for three days. Forget shit through the eye of a needle, I could have melted the needle and the hand holding it. All this in the confines of a portaloo in thirty-degree heat. I'm sweating, tears in my eyes, clutching a woefully-inadequate amount of cheap, scratchy, festival toilet paper, with Mount fucking Vesuvius blasting clods of molten magma out of my jacksie like a goddamn Gatling cannon loaded with mace. I've never forgiven him: anything he ever cooks again, I treat with the same distrust I'd give a hole in an Afghan road covered with corrugated iron." (UppityDamnPrimate) * MAGIC RECIPE - "Ingredients: Long grass, garlic, basil, pine nuts, olive oil. Thresh the grass and throw the seeds away. Put the stalks in a low oven to dry them thoroughly. While that's happening, crush the garlic, chop the basil and pine nuts, put them in a jar with the olive oil, screw down the lid and shake well. Take the grass out of the oven and arrange on a serving plate. Drizzle over the sauce. And ... Hay Pesto!" (ubergeekian) * WOOING - "MEN: How to woo your future wife: 1) Invite object of affection over for dinner. Remove flatmates and porn. 2) Assemble fresh pasta, salmon fillets, white wine, cream, garlic, lemon juice, fresh parsley. 3) Cook pasta. Bake salmon. 4) Add white wine to saucepan and reduce by half. Add cream, garlic and lemon juice, salt & pepper, then flake the salmon fillets and stir through. 5) Mix with pasta, garnish with parsley and serve. 6) Consume with several bottles of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, while modestly denying that you are in fact the greatest chef who has ever lived. 7) Make no attempt whatsoever to fend off future wife, who is by this point making growling noises and dry-humping the couch. WOMEN: How to woo your future husband: 1) Invite object of affection to local inn or hostelry. Consume own weight in Dry Blackthorn. 2) Stumble home 'refreshed' with equally unsteady companion. Pause briefly to urinate in council grit bin. 3) Once home, open freezer and extract: 700ml bottle own brand vodka, 48 pack own brand fish fingers. 4) Grill entire box until charcoal on one side frozen on other. Lubricate process with vodka. 5) Consume entire pile of fish fingers like biblical plague of locusts in complete silence. 6) Retire to boudoir, leaving grill on. Attempt bestial congress. Lose consciousness... I bloody love that woman." (Monkey Tennis) >> This Week - Cunning Plans << Ever come up with a cunning plan for something? Did it work? What went wrong? Do you look back through the filter of the years with a burning sense of shame? Tell us, do: http://b3ta.com/questions/cunningplans/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> NTK returns << "Hey B3ta it's @FakeDaveGreen," writes Dave Green, of 90s internet newsletter colossus Need To Know. "As you've probably seen, Danny has brought back NTK... *exactly* as everyone remembers." http://www.tinyletter.com/annontk >> Drawsum << Draw what you like on a wall that the internet can look at. Yes, the whole world is now the partition between cubicles in the gents toilet of Watford Gap services in 1989. http://www.drawsum.com >> Idiots' credit cards on Twitter << Astounding foolishness, as Twitter numbskulls post photos of their credit cards on Twitter without even the decency of an Instagram filter to cover their modesty. https://twitter.com/needadebitcard >> Find 'women in the mood' << Slightly creepy - an auto-stalk function that finds people on Twitter & Facebook, jabbering on about how daring they are for reading 50 Shades of Grey. http://whoisreading50shadesofgrey.com/ >> The 'real' UK citizenship test. << Could you live in the UK? Questions that test your knowledge of the actual, useless crap that fills your head in modern Britain. http://realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php >> American patriotism fantasy art << Renowned figures from US history, kicking ass in the most epic fashion imaginable. We particularly like Ben Franklin vs. Zeus, and JFK on his robot moon-unicorn (moonicorn). http://imgur.com/a/r15rj >> Saturday morning faces << When you were a kid, Saturday morning was for watching cartoons. Now it's for watching cartoons and being hungover. Here's the face of the morning after the night before. http://sobotarano.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Oh the mental shit they sell * WINE GLASS HOLDER NECKLACE - because you need both hands to, I dunno, hide your face in shame for using it? Best reviews, "With freedom with my arms, I can even hug my parents who threatened disownment for drinking so much!" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000W43HF... * NICK HUMBY PHOTO JIGSAW - enjoyable mostly for the playing along pretend-baffled reviews: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002113DS... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Redefining funny to its antonym since 2001 @beaubodor writes, "Domain name for newsletter. British Military Fitness or is it for the the lovely ladies of British Milf IT?" http://www.britmilfit.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV with a more uncomfortable seat >> Chatbots chat << The awkward conversations of the impending future, as artificial intelligences make nonsensical smalltalk and bicker meaninglessly. The top one is our fave, as we like to think UK Siri is really Gadget Show's Jason Bradbury. http://www.cleverbot.com/cleverthem >> A Conversation With My 12-Year-Old Self << In 1992, Jeremiah McDonald recorded a video with a message for his future self. Twenty years on, the grizzled and cynical film-maker he's become talks with the enthusiastic child he used to be. Refreshingly unsentimental. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Redubbed Barclays ad << One of those annoying arch Barclays ads, with a more topical voiceover. Contains swears and rightly so. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Redubbed_Barclays_ad >> Moby Michael Stipe Song << Adam Buxton sings a song of speccy slapheads. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Moby_Song >> I Put A Spell On You - lip sync << Mostly an excuse to listen again to Screamin' Jay Hawkins' memorably unhinged theme tune, but there are some serious mime skills on display. Like watching an owl regurgitate a pellet, in a musically menacing fashion. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_put_a_spell_on_you_lip... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Double the trouble in this internet bubble >> My Little Friends game << "You are a giant robot," insists Yanmania. "Protect your little friends or just stamp on them all, is up to you." http://www.yanmania.com/comments/my_little_friends... >> Grey Bloke on computer games << "A short video about video gaming," informs somegreybloke. It's funny because it's true. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_short_video_about_vide... >> Milkman << "We don't need any milk do we?" beams cherubic Joel Veitch. "Yes. Yes we do." Fraught with Veitchian menace. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Milkman ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Invention Challenge Last week we wanted you to picture famous inventions as if they'd been devised by alternative inventors Your favourites included: * MOGGY: the internet's famed feline quadrocopter as envisaged early doors by Renaissance polymath (1.618...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10795438 * FATTY: conveyor belt burger contraption from jump-suited king of rock'n'roll (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10798209 * DATA: storage devices from bobbins Poppins cockney and blind jazzer (The Silent Channel) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10799246 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/inventors/ >> New challenge: The Week In Pictures << Create something using only the pictures found on BBC News Day In Pictures from the day the image challenge is posted onwards. Fresh hummus for each day of the challenge, suggested by ferret http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/week-in-pictures/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HOW BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS CHANGE YOUR DNA - The Unknown Anorak writes, "My missus had a BMT about three years ago so I got to know some of the ins and outs. She's now technically a chimera, which means she has two distinct sets of DNA. Most of it is her own, but her bone marrow, blood and immune system is that of her donor. "So SandettieLVA is bang on the money and there's no real point me sending you this, other than as a thinly-veiled plea to plug AnthonyNolan.org - they find bone marrow donors for people who desperately need it and they saved my wife's life. Bone marrow extraction is all done with drugs and centrifuges these days and doesn't hurt like it used to. So if there's any way you can squeeze in a mention and let the b3tans know it's painless and risk-free, we'd really appreciate it!" This is a register you *should* get on: http://www.anthonynolan.org/ * SHED 2012 WINNERS - unclewilco writes, "I know how excited you b3tans are. Well bait your breath no longer - the winner of the best shed competition (2012) has been announced. The woodhenge pub shed managed to beat off tough competition and take the title of 'Shed of the year'. John, the owner, has spent 4 years building his perfect hideaway, which does a great job of storing his collection of beer and cider." http://bit.ly/KMQeam * LOSING WEIGHT - leo writes, "I have no medical qualifications but have lost over five stone since November, which probably means I'm doing stuff that works well for me, if not everyone. I did it by cutting out the carbs: no bread, pastry, potatoes, rice, pasta or sugary fruit and the like. I also have a two-mile walk to and from work each day. "It should be noted that losing a dramatic amount of weight is relatively expensive, as it requires buying at least one new wardrobe of clothes. You also asked for the age of anyone writing to you. I am currently 38 but do not think this is a factor in the weight loss." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * THE BOOK OF LEFT-WING JOKES - an idle thought this morning that lots of humour is based on kicking down (poor, foreign, disabled) etc and an alternative would be kicking up (authority, business etc). Er.. What's the difference between a bucket of shit and a Tory? The bucket. Which the Tories have part-privatised through PFI and it'll cost you £15billion by 2028. Bleh. * CALORIES ON BOOZE PACKAGING - how come this info is stuck on most things you can buy, but not the "roast dinner in a bottle" that is a bottle of wine? * AN OFF-BUTTON FOR LOUISE MENSCH - or a least a Chrome plug-in that makes her disappear from the Internet. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sexy people : [email protected] Smelly people : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by StaHi,‏@PigB0dine, @JeremiahMc, Dick Wonder, AlbertTatlock, Herman Blume, @jingies, @LeeRedders, @TomDavenport, pissflaps, technocore, sue.ryder, smellymoo. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips via A Vagabond. Subjlols via Smallbrainfield. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: TV executives - stuck for programme ideas? Why not get a pretty girl to present some of her favourite, mediocre recipes, in an enthusiastic, slightly patronising manner? next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive