we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "LESS CORRUPT THAN YOUR AVERAGE BANK BUT MORE LIKELY TO BE JAILED" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Tell us your recipes * BATMAN - on home-made bike * DALEKS - invade Newcastle ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Calling people named ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than makin' lurrve via animated GIFs >> Terry Wogan's Sexy Birthday << "Ladies and Gentlemen," begins Butters. "There is a fine line between caricature and harassment..." See a line being crossed: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terry_Wogans_Sexy_Birthd... >> Newcastle rain Daleks << Swiftly on the scene of the Newcastle floods, Breaker of Laptops has discovered that it was all masterminded by none other than the Daleks. http://b3ta.com/links/Quick_n_dirty_newcastle_dale... >> Isle of Spagg << "Here is something what we have made," writes Myles McLeod. "A half-hour animated TV pilot called Isle of Spagg." Wow, it's a whole, proper show, with plot and everything - like Balamory meets Portland Bill, directed by David Lynch. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_whole_half_hour_of_Isl... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Clubs, Gangs & Societies We wanted your stories of joining in and being sociable. You know, with other people who are in the same room? Madness: http://b3ta.com/questions/clubsandgangs/ * MOONCAKE - "My best friend from University left the Roman Catholic church but clearly needed to fill the spiritual void: he tried Freemasons, Martinists, even the Scientologists. But what really drew him in was the Ancient and Mystical Order of the Rosy Cross - The Rosicrucians. Dedicated to uncovering the mysteries of the universe through ritual, chanting, meditation and the reading of long monographs about astral travel, they are completely bonkers but seemed harmless enough. He was crapping on about the day's chanting and Ancient Egyptian symbolism, when suddenly I heard the phrase "vestal virgins." "Are you joking? You don't have vestal virgins do you?" He insisted that they did - 12-year-old girls in white robes who assisted at the rituals. "Yeah, they're children of lodge members," said my friend, "so it's not like there's anything dodgy going on." Except... for the ritual of the mooncake. This is a piece of dough that is scattered with menstrual blood, baked and then eaten. It symbolises... oh Christ, I don't care what it symbolises. But where do they get the menstrual blood from? The vestal virgins. Can you imagine being twelve, having your first period, and your parents asking you to collect it in an egg cup because they want to do a bit of baking? Honestly, this is the sort of thing that makes Christianity and Islam look almost sane." (Mr Mann) * BAT. IT'S A BAT - "One place I worked at had a 'cricket club'. After work, on Wednesdays, we would meet up for 'cricket practice.' In a pub. And the best thing about it was we never, ever, played cricket - or even spoke about it." (minimalist) * AND FINALLY - "I once almost joined a club that used to dress up in giant penis costumes every Saturday, but I didn't. I wouldn't want to join any club that would have someone like me for a memb-OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE." (Ellinikos) >> This Week - The B3ta Cookbook << We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and recipes, or tell us about the inedible shit you once made whilst drunk: http://b3ta.com/questions/cookbook/ ------------------------------------------------- : CHARITY APPEAL Help Sophie - a 2-year-old girl with cancer Ruth and Andrew Roberts write: "We're desperately trying to raise funds for a live-saving operation for our two-year-old daughter, who has a rare form of cancer. Doctors have told us the only option for her is surgery in the US at a cost of £230,000, and we only have 17 days in which to raise it. Anything you could do to help us increase awareness of our appeal will be incredibly helpful." http://www.sophierobertsstory.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> 50 Sheds Of Grey << Yes, the joke is in the title, but still - ha. BTW: We attempted to read this book (well the freebie 1st chapter on Kindle) and lumme is it bad. We despair for the intelligence of our fellow humans if this is the twaddle that can sell a million copies. It's slash fiction quality stuff. https://twitter.com/#!/50shedsofgrey >> Intolerable flatmates seek other << "I've been looking for a room recently, but then I saw this advert and decided to stab myself in the face instead," writes thisplaceisazoo. Increasingly, bafflingly pretentious as it goes on. http://www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/london/streat... >> A cartoonist's musings from his sickbed << Long, morbid, but brilliant. Also, being ill in the US, without insurance, sounds utterly terrifying. Thank goodness the NHS will be around forever. http://www.gabbysplayhouse.com/wp-content/sick/sic... >> Hate your boss, hungover, taking drugs? << A constantly-updating wall of shame, featuring people who don't know enough to hide their illicit activities from the Facebook-reading public. Dolts. Still, if you want to get some weed, it's a handy list of who to friend on Facebook. http://www.weknowwhatyouredoing.com/ >> Animal footprint shoes << Do your rob houses? If you do these are definitely for you. Also, walk backwards so it looks like the animal is breaking *out* of the building. Also maybe someone wants to make gloves that leave the thumbprints of owls? http://bit.ly/MA4oiL >> "Pulp Fiction" in chronological order << Handy reference chart, to keep the Tarantino classic's timeline straight while you watch it for the 167th time. A thing of graphic designery beauty. http://bit.ly/KGRcbN ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but the Radio Times is some shitty email >> Home-made Bat-cycle << Man makes his own Bat-vehicle and runs through the streets of Cambridge, shouting "Neeeeerh!" Christopher Nolan, are you watching? This is what the internet wants. Although, knowing the internet, "want" doesn't mean "will pay for". http://b3ta.com/links/Awesome:7 >> The Star Wars That I Used to Know << You'll never get a blu-ray of the Star Wars that you used to know. Genuinely heartfelt lament about George Lucas's ongoing fiddling with his sextology. And we don't even *like* Star Wars. http://goo.gl/fzQwl >> invade ALL OF THE humans!!! << Hostile alien robots lay musical claim to the planet Earth. Or at least as much as they can reach. Delightful. http://www.b3ta.com/links/invade_ALL_OF_THE_humans >> Katy Perry death metal << Revoicing popular music with the guttural sounds of the undead is a comedy meme that will run and run - and surprisingly sexy in this case. "Give it to me, B3ta staff," rumbled Katy Perry, like a bear gargling acid. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Breakfast geometry magic << Confound your breakfast companions by rendering your bagel into a geometrical object of wonder. Then turn their toast into möbius strips so it takes them infinitely long to cover in jam. http://youtu.be/dN8AwGUaqDA >> "Gaseous Anomalies" << Star Trek farts. That's probably all you need to know to get you frenziedly clicking. http://bit.ly/NWiNH6 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER OK it's a goatse thing rather than a name Alan, who is 29 years old, writes, "I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing when this passed by my kitchen window. So I googled it. It is a bus." http://bit.ly/NJEnep PS: New rule. Everyone who writes to us should tell us their age. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animal Art Challenge Last week we wanted you to add animals to art Your favourites included: * SUPPER: Italian Renaissance polymath meets the Muppets (ferrt) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10794202 * MEOW: Italian Renaissance polymath meets the Vitruvian Cat (1.618…) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10795438 * NUDE: dramatic prairie dog enjoys life-modelling class (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10794840 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalart/ >> New challenge: Alternate Inventors << Alternate inventors: what would it have been like if Stevie Wonder invented binoculars or if Laurel & Hardy invented the atomic bomb? Show us the results and let hilarity ensue. Challenge suggested by Claude Speed http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/inventors/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CHANGE YOUR DNA - SandettieLVA writes, "Re: Changing your DNA. The most likely method is bone marrow transplant. Some sources say that bone marrow does not have any effect, whereas some other sources, including New Scientist and an episode of The Bill, claim it does. Some blood tests show altered DNA results whereas, in the UK, they use cheek swabs, which remain true. So, if you're planning on being a bit naughty it's best to go do it in a country that tests DNA using blood samples." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. This week (as this section is tricky to fill) we're going to mention some political stuff that's buzzing in our head: * FREE LAWYERS - we have free schools, free health-care (OK maybe not for long), but it would be fucking handy, and a fairer world, if legal advice and representation were available without cost to everyone rather than only to those with big purses stuffed with goblin gold. * A MASSIVE, OPEN PUBLIC ENQUIRY - into regulatory capture of Government via finance and business. * A SOLUTION TO PUBLIC OBESITY - we walked down our local high street the other day and noticed that everyone appeared to have fat tummies & a mouth full of food. We saw a fat woman with a 800kcal Starbucks pudding-in-a-cup drink, driving a car. What is the solution? Regulation of crappy food? Education? Make exercise mandatory in schools and work places? All three? Other? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Lovely souls : [email protected] Hateful fucks: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by UHMUHRAKA! @alnapp, ‏@prodigy_69, taters, @trink_uk, Stashie, dirtyscarab, buffet_the_appetite_slayer, Dawn Of The Bread. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips via sandettie light vessel automatic. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make people think you are over 45 by making a growling noise when you sit down, stand up or bend down to pick something up. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive