we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "AMAZING NEW FACEBOOK FEATURE - HIT ALT-F4 TO SEE!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SONG - Internet Microcelebrity * QUESTION - How to survive the apocalypse * IMAGES - North Korea rules the UK ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're crashing the ___/ _ |/_ > Internet Microcelebrity << Part II of the your Ginger Fuhrer's existental musical about being trapped by technology is here for your delight. If you hate it then la la la we're not listening because you're utterly wrong and the only correct response is love. Animation by @Peepholecircus and musical sugar added by @superpowerless. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 20 Gigapixels of central London << "I recently got the opportunity to go up a tower in central London that was in the process of being refurbished," writes wjh31. "So I took 2,500 photos and stitched them together into a pair of panoramas." As you do. Apparently, there might be NSFW activity going on in some of the little buildings - a small prize if you spot any. http://lifeinmegapixels.com/blog/2012/06/london-in... >> Greybloke's hot celebrity goss << "I'm doing celeb goss now, like Perez Hiltonian or someone," claims somegreybloke. http://bit.ly/MJyWyj ------------------------------------------------- If the Jimmy Carr tax stuff worries you then please read Treasure Islands. The problem is bigger than a few celebs. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/009954172... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The Apocalypse Last week we asked how you'd survived pathetic inconveniences, but got proper, serious disaster stories. Go read Ken Oath's bush fire story. And then Que's flood story. And never complain again: http://b3ta.com/questions/apocalypse/ * SAFE - "2008 was a very exiting and fearful time of e-books, a black guy in charge of America and the Large Hadron Collider worrying at the fabric of the universe. Speculation was agasp at how it could either revolutionise science or create the most destructive force in the universe - a BLACK HOLE. My father was busy in the back garden of his house and after twenty minutes of banging he called me into the garden with a cry of childish glee. "You know that black hole that might happen? I've made something to stop us getting sucked into oblivion." My mother looked at me and shook her head sadly. "Go on then," I said. My father lead me to at small, cleared patch into which, ladies and gentlemen, he'd hammered a tent peg with a piece of nylon string attached. I was that gobsmacked that I forgot to ask why it had taken him twenty minutes of banging to make it." (shake'n'bake) * FIRE - "When I was about four years old, my mother set fire to the kitchen. She was like that. This was the 1960s, and our kitchen had these futuristic, new polystyrene tiles on the ceiling - and we quickly discovered why they are no longer recommended for kitchens, as droplets of toxic, burning sludge rained down from the merrily-blazing ceiling. So I'm four years old, staring down the hall at the raging inferno that had been our kitchen mere moments before. Determinedly, I trotted out into the front garden, scooped up a handful of snow, returned to the hall and tossed a toddler's- hand-sized snowball into the flames. Satisfied that the crisis had now been averted, I returned to the lounge to read comics." (moon monkey) * RAFT - "My better half is a great fan of disaster films. Unfortunately she also tends to get drawn into them and forget that Hollywood has a habit of exaggerating physical laws as well as just plain making shit up. In the past six months, as a direct result of her seeing numerous films in which the world nearly ends, she has requested the following modifications to the house: A large fireplace, A basement, an electrical generator, a reinforced roof, a fuel storage tank, a water storage tank independent of the main supply, a solid fuel stove and - my absolute favourite - a fucking raft. We live in a smallish two-up two-down terraced house on the outskirts of Derbyshire." (Munsta) >> This Week - Clubs, Gangs & Societies << What have you joined? Was it awesome like Eyes Wide Shut, or scary and freaky like, erm, Eyes Wide Shut? Tell us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/clubsandgangs/ ------------------------------------------------- : SIGN UP FOR HOLIDAY OFFERS EMAIL (sponsored linky) Escape the grey misery with Secret Escapes, a luxury members-only travel club. Up to 68% off holidays to places like Santorini, Tenerife, the Hebrides, Morocco and, err, Sutton Coldfield. http://www.awin1.com/awclick.php ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Worst of OK Cupid << A succulent selection of the very worst that internet dating has to offer. From poorly-chosen tattoos, through rape jokes to actual sex offenders. Makes us glad cut off our penis years ago and now only date robots. http://www.okcenemies.com/ >> Kids book movie scenes << Pixar artist creates a whole book's worth of famous movie scenes as if they were a children's storybook from the 60s. Don't leave your kids with him. http://imgur.com/a/SS6V5#0 >> Faith-restoring pictures << Gallery of life-affirming stories that will either have you bawling like a child or wretching like a curmudgeonly cat. http://is.gd/g0bu2V >> The Great Tower for London << Here's a scan of the bat-shit crazy designs the Victorians proposed for a Great Tower for London. Why? Because Paris just got the Eiffel Tower and we had to do bigger and better. Our fave is #6, with the spiral steam rain driving up the side. What happened in the end? We got discouraged and gave up - oh, London, don't ever change! http://bit.ly/KYaeGk >> Crap Jokes << Keep pushing the button for another sweet, sweet hit of Viz Crap Joke, like a rat on seratonin. http://www.viz.co.uk/crapjokes.html >> Making 'glass' crisps << Cook your own potato crisps that look, amazingly, as if they've been carved from broken glass! Are they delicious? Who cares - crisps made of glass! http://www.instructables.com/id/Glass-Potato-Chips... >> Jim Davidson's blog highlights << Selected excerpts from the personal journal of bitter, old-school comedian Jim Davidson. It's like the Daily Mail turned off their spell check. http://bit.ly/KYs940 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like long animated GIFS with sound >> Surface crash << Press launch for Microsoft's iPad-killing Surface and the damn thing crashes. Hard no to feel a twinge of empathy for the poor presenter, as his voice wavers and he tries to conceal the frozen screen. Cripes. http://youtu.be/N1zxDa3t0fg >> Bird call interrupter << Surreal intervention in golf interview, as a man pops up and makes a noise like a peacock. To raise awareness, or something. http://bit.ly/PdBqW3 >> China news thinks fleshlight is mushroom << News report on a "strange, meaty plant", discovered by Chinese villagers digging a well. An odd mix of smiling at the naivety and boggling at the wild array of fake facts they produce to back it up. Or maybe the Chinese are making their own version of Brass Eye? http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the North Korean Challenge Last week we wanted you to picture the UK under North Korean leadership Your favourites included: * SMUG: familiar figure takes breakfast as missile launcher dominates background (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10788480 * UPLIFT: the DPRKUK's new class system, explained via the medium of sixties comedy sketch (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10791720 * SEASIDE: Kim Jong-un visits Skegness and finds it very much to his liking (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10790924 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/northkorea-uk/ >> New challenge: Animal Art << Everyone loves helicopter cat. Damian Hirst's shark is a modern classic. Show us how all art would be better if it featured an animal. Challenge suggested by monkeon. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalart/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 2/2 Pedos, Tits & babies. Errk!? >> Pedo Remix << "Just a little I made for Vice," writes smearballs, flexing his schtick of repeating and manipulating the most shocking of subject matter into catchy jingles. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pedo_Remix_I_made_for_Vi... >> Tits << "My new animation tells the story of how women want us to see them," opines Koit. "I made this using science." Needless to say NSFW. http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/tits.php >> Famous movie screamalong baby << "Just a bit of Monday fun...... Fonday....." burbles BoogalooShrimp. Why this is a thing we do not know. But exist it does. And amazing it is. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baby_Wilhelm_Scream ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SHED OR DEAD - "It's nearly over for another year; just the final judging to do. Some brilliant sheds that are a bit off the wall this year in the final." writes unclewilco. Highlights include: http://bit.ly/KZ93Z7 * VHS ART - SauronWibble writes, "In response to Nilbert asking what to do with old VHS tapes, check out this guys artwork, looks pretty cool." http://bit.ly/MENCez * SINGING FUN - edblunt writes, "Re Sunday morning communal singing: every so often I play piano for the 'School of Life' Sunday lectures in the Conway Hall. Starts off with a raucous singalong or two, followed by an interesting talk by a guest speaker. Past classics include Don't Stop Me Now, Eye of the Tiger..." http://www.theschooloflife.com * B3TA JINGLE - skeltonator writes, "Hi guys! Remember the Jingle writer???? The one from the newsletter? Well I decided to get in touch with him and persuaded him to do a Jingle for B3TA. Now we have our very own Jingle! I present to you THE B3TA jingle. By Peter Modern. HOORAY!!! It is a truly wonderful piece of work!!! He sent me the cd in the post! Awesome!" Please remix this now - it's just so good. http://soundcloud.com/jake-skelton/01-b3ta-jingle ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A WAY OF MAKING YOUR PENIS NOT HURT - say if you've been left alone in the house all day and had about 8 wanks. * A SMALL, ADDITIONAL TOILET FOR FLUSHING SNOT - and we don't mean sexy snot after the 8 wanks. * A WAY OF CHANGING OUR DNA - apparently we've been leaving around rather a lot of 'evidence' Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- WANK BANK: [email protected] BANK WANK: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via mozza, disco_doctor, GubbinsMctavish, UltimateMonkey, Shazzoir, samthesuperfurryanimal, nikjohns, cactonucleopticalfrompadeenick, @fazalkhan. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Rob Leese Jones Top tip by Commander_billybops. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Technophiles! A Microsoft Surface tablet will go really well with your Zune player. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive