we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT ALREADY, TYPE 'ENGLISH PERSON' IN TO GOOGLE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * JON SNOW - animated news antics * JINGLES - for Gordon Brown * SEXY MODELS - falling over ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving all your ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> It's Jon Snow! << "I drew this and made it move," brags mushybees, to whom Channel 4 News anchorman Jon Snow is naught but a whimsical puppet. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_Jon_Snow >> Rejected children's books << "Some kids' books I can't seem to get published," laments under-appreciated genius douggypledger. Shame. http://www.douggy.com/category/artwork/stoopid-sto... >> Olympignorance << "My thoughts on this Olympic stuff," writes somegreybloke. He makes some good points, such as why athletes don't use their superhuman skills to fight crime, instead of hoarding shiny pieces of metal. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Olympignorance >> Cat vs. lawnmower << "A close shave for stunt cat," sweats Black Moon. Don't worry, readers - eleven cats were harmed in the making of this video. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_v_Lawnmower >> Bowl Date << "Technically, this isn't self-promotion," claims Brett Domino, "As it's my cousin, Yorkshire-based dubstep producer C-Bomb." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Getting Old We wanted the things that had brought home to you that you were getting old and creaky. Read on and realise that you too are an old fucker: http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingold2/ * FLIRT - "In Subway, the cute teenager assembling my lunch told me I had, "a really lovely voice." Thinks: "Wahey! You might be old enough to be her dad, but by Christ you've still got it." No. Her next remark? "You remind me of my granddad reading me bedtime stories when I was little". (all my scars face forward) * MOSH - "Working security at Download this year I struck up a conversation with a gent who had just come away from the second stage looking rather unsteady on his feet. He told me that he was having a break from the crowd because he'd got caught by someone's elbow in a moshpit and it had winded him, but he'd be going back in, 'to get the little fucker.' He was 83 years old. I no longer feel that I'm too old for anything." (Munsta) * FORGOT - "You know that lost feeling that creeps over you when you walk into a room, stop and pause, and then can't remember what you went in for? That just happened to me. Only the room was called Asda and I had a trolley with me." (R. Jimlad) >> This Week - The Apocalypse << Power cuts, internet outages, mild inconvenience to your daily life - how do you cope? Tell us your tales of pointless panic-buying and hiding under the stairs: http://b3ta.com/questions/apocalypse/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Jingle Writer << Leemondus writes, "I've got some jingle writing work coming up, so was doing a bit of research and stumbled across this site. I might as well give up now if the competition's this good." Hmm, possibly a little sarcasm here as the jingles on offer here are... let's say 'unique'. The one to promo Gordon Brown at the last General Election is particularly strong. http://www.jinglewriter.co.uk/ >> Pointer pointer << Cute technique that uses people pointing within photos to find your mouse cursor. The second link takes you to another variation, using camera flashes. Now have a go with erect willies or lady nipples and win the internet. http://www.pointerpointer.com/ http://flitser.org/ >> Crazy arcade flyers << Travel back in time to when arcade cabinets were advertised with sexism, wrestling and Dolly Parton. http://crazyarcadeflyers.tumblr.com/ >> New internet domains << Icaan now allow anything to be registered instead of .com, assuming you've got the cash. If there was ever a gold-rush of lies then this is it. Check out the big list of stupid new domains. http://bit.ly/L4MYed >> 9 Abandoned Islands Where Time Has Stopped << If we ever had any real money we'd love our own abandoned island. We'd fill it full of snakes and tell everyone to fuck off. HGAHAHAAA. http://bit.ly/ObTFuA ------------------------------------------------- : EASY FOREX SPREAD BETTING (Sponsored link) What is spread betting? It's basically betting on shares going up or down. The difference between that an real share buying is that you don't actually buy the shares. The advantage of this? You don't pay tax on any profit. If you fancy having a go then Easy Forex is the best place to start, as it offers experts to guide you through on what to buy. Or, of course, you can just buy what you like. http://monetisetrk4.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if the internet could play TV!!! >> The reality of being a pro-skateboarder << Skateboarding is one of those things that people would love to be awesome at, without, of course, any intention of having to practice. Here's what's involved in getting good - hypnotic. http://bit.ly/Mbq3to >> Doped-up wisdom teeth guy << There's a reason they don't let you leave on your own, after having your wisdom teeth taken out. And that reason is the truly excellent drugs that this guy is enjoying: http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Mario goes berserk << Moustachioed Italian plumber power-ups into 8-bit killing machine. ‏http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Aliens: The Musical << The triumphant return of Jon and Al Kaplan - the disembodied, floating brains behind Conan: The Musical and the extraordinary Silence of the Lambs: The Musical. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Amazing Moiré patterns << Moiré patterns are those weird interference effects you get when two grids are overlaid at different angles. It's usually really annoying, if you're printing stuff out, but this book makes them beautiful. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Poemotion >> Art Will Save The World << "I've just bought tickets to the premier of the Luke Haines film 'Art Will Change The World'", brags Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel. "You can too." Trailer here: http://bit.ly/NWOrCA >> Fun with Portals << Cute FX trickery, as some friends fool around the teleportation gun from Portal. http://www.b3ta.com/links/nicely_done_Portal_fun >> Catwalk falls << If they were horses we'd shoot them, but they are stylish ladies and so we pretend not to have seen anything happen. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Catwalk_model_fails >> Brian Blessed sweary outtakes << Classic clip of Sir Brian, wrestling with a Palm Pilot. http://bit.ly/NDvMOM ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still about as funny as spiders If you read this URL as three words (with the middle one being 'in') then this is an excellent name for a website: http://www.combinass.nl ------------------------------------------------- : FRIGHTENING EMAIL OF THE WEEK Homoerotic anxiety texting game James.K writes, "A fun game to play with our mobile telephony devices. When speaking to a fellow heterosexual male, I will always end with an 'x'. Generally from him there will be no 'x' in the reply, but I continue undeterred - always with the 'x' remember. Sometime later - possibly out of awkwardness, he stumbles... he ends with an 'x'. "I've got you!" I silently declare. The next text I also end with an x. He predictably does the same, we are of course on equal footing. And that's when I yank the carpet from underneath! My x's stop abruptly. my text partner is suddenly caught off-guard "why?" he asks "why did the x's stop?" but that doesn't matter to me, all that matters is the next text. If it ends with no x to be seen, I know I have won. I have all the power, and have made him subservient to my superior willpower. Afterwards, I might have a wank." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Springwatch Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us birds nesting in unusual places. You ignored this, but that's fine. Your favourites included: * SNATCH: cute chick trio devastated by sneak attack (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10783520 * BOG: rare photos of the lesser-spotted toilet duck's nesting arrangements (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10786544 * SHARK: classic shark/chopper interaction reappears in a new challenge (mediocre) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10783935 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/springwatch/ >> New challenge: DPRK UK << It's time for a new government. This week's challenge is to show us what the UK would look like if North Korea's Kim dynasty were in charge, with all its propaganda, mass games and general strangeness http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/northkorea-uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TANS WRITE SILLY REVIEWS ON NAZI UNIFORM - we linked this last week and we're pleased you all did a good job adding reviews. "what self-respecting over-12 would want to attend a party without the stain of the Holocaust resting on them" & "This uniform is brilliant. It's so realistic, I have been banned from visiting both the old-aged care home and our local synagogue." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004871HB... * DARKLORD ONE YEAR ON - many of us still miss b3ta boarder Darklord and we're pleased to see musicians Luke Soloman & Jon Marsh of The Beloved making a tribute song for him. http://bit.ly/LLbSOR * REPAIRING TRAINERS - anthony.attwood writes, "Re: holes in shoes. When I was a teen skateboarder I would wear through shoes in weeks. Rather than buying new £50 trainers every month, I used Shoe Goo to repair them." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0030ZULM... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COMMUNAL SINGING - every Sunday morning communities should get together and sing as one. Not dusty, old hymns but songs by Queen, Madness & Depeche Mode. * WHAT TO DO WITH OLD MEDIA - nilbert asks, "I have hundreds of video cassette tapes and their boxes. Can you ask your readers what I can do with them? Any good ideas will be considered." * B3TA ROUGH GUIDE - TimChuma asks, "Is there some kind of B3TA-related English travel guide for visitors from out of the country? I would like to be able to see Kunt and the Gang, Dan Bull, MJ Hibbett and the Validators, a Brian Blessed public appearance and other B3TA-related things while visiting." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sexy bumholes: [email protected] Smelly bumholes: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by rjvanvulpen, littlefeet, @dancall1, ‏@jamesmarshall42, @Simon_Pegg, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, @matt_round, @benjymous, BrokenCoccyx, HappyToast, robneymcplum, tootla, mr.dogshit, sinisterduck, @GigerPunk. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tips via A Vagabond. Subjlols via @IamHappyToast ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Avoid that "swimming against the tide" feeling by swimming with the tide. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive