we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FOR FUCK'S SAKE MA'AM, SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * JUBILEE CASSETTEBOY - if you can find it * MICROSOFT CLIPPY - on every website! * WINEHOUSE DEATH HOUSE - your chance to buy ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're selling B3ta for ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> Is Jeremy Hunt hiding from Twitter? << Tom Scott and Your Ginger Fuhrer have made a a site that monitors if someone is hiding from twitter - because @jeremy_hunt hasn't posted on Twitter since the 23rd of April. Oh Jerry - won't you come back to Twitter? We miss your sweet tweets. http://www.aretheyhidingfromtwitter.com/#jeremy_hunt >> Banned Cassetteboy Royal Video << Released earlier this week and nixed by a paranoid BBC that doesn't want to be seen doing anything to upset Her Majesty, else her government might send them all to the Tower. Watch it quickly, if you find a copy, as they've been swatting the re-uploads like flies. http://bit.ly/KDWvZB >> Giant Robo-Protector << "This is a game I made for the Ludum Dare 48 hour game competition," explains yanmania. Play as a giant robot to protect your little friends from the bad things from space. Try not to crush them all with your hulking boots of lead. http://www.yanmania.com/comments/my_little_friends... >> Tourette's Dice << "I've been having fun with my layzor and thought I should show you," brags Duke Euphoria. "Roll these puppies on your favorite flat surface anytime you feel the need to express yourself through the medium of random profanity. Part of the reason I'm posting this is to gauge whether there's serious enough demand to make it worth making them available to buy." What do you reckon? Perfect Mother's Day gift or what? http://bit.ly/JyxOtp >> Puppy Supper << "An enthusiastic puppy wants his food," intones Bewley, in the style of Game of Thrones' Jaqen H'gar. This is a lovely little animation about an overenthusiastic doggy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Supper >> Portable Musical Mishaps << Sheep! continues his peculiar German TV series with this rumination on the perils of "the miniaturisation of portable music devices". http://www.b3ta.com/links/Portable_Music ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Down on the Farm We wanted your farm stories. It seems a lot of you have deep memories of the 1970s public safety film 'Apaches' in which five children brutally die over 26 minutes. Nice: http://b3ta.com/questions/downonthefarm/ * SLED - "Ross-on-Wye, winter, lots of snow. Mr. Farmer and I have fed the hanimals, there's not much else to do, so... a competition to build the fasted sled that'll carry us both. Mr. Farmer gets all serious with a very pretty timber sled on runners. He's quite the craftsman. I'm not. I go for timber pallet nailed to a sheet of corrugated iron clubbed till one end curls up in the air. We drag them up the steepest field, Mr. Farmer making derisive comments about my sled's aesthetics. His fancy-boy sled is up first, him in the driving seat and me on the back. We shove off. Nothing. The skinny runners sink in even with only one person aboard. He sulks. No worries, let's hop on mine! I jump on the pallet, Mr. Farmer behind and FUCKING WHOOOSH, we are very quickly sliding down the slope with very little control or vision. The front slaps the snow throwing up a blinding snow cloud. As we near the bottom of the slope and I realise we have no way to stop, Mr. Farmer screams something incomprehensible in my ear. I feel the sled lighten and he bails, tumbling down the slope behind me. I turn and call him a big poof just as the previously unseen single strand of barbed wire catches me fair across the chest. Fucking. Ouch. Apparently I resembled a pole- axed teddy bear, arms and legs forward, cheeks puffed out in a big OOF. Couldn't drink the beer I won for a few days, hurt to raise my arms. And I had to wait two days for Mr. Farmer to stop laughing." (Ken Oath) * BACON - "Out walking with my wife after she'd recently given birth, we arrived at the back of a farm. Over the fence we could see a huge pig and my wife, ever the animal-lover, beckoned it over to stroke it. Except she totally under- estimated the size of her new breasts and one of them touches the fence. The electric fence. The current went through her boob, down her arm and directly into the pig's nose. The pig screamed a scream I never want to hear again and ran off. It was hilarious." (atdotslash) * TRIP - "As a trainee teacher I got to help take some 5/6 year-olds to a farm. The next day in class we asked them about the trip, stuff like "What's a baby sheep called?" "Where does a cow live?" Right at the end, just before playtime, the teacher asked, "What sounds did we hear yesterday?" There was a cacophony of moos, baas, quacks and barks until one little voice piped up with, "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!" (Official Sarc) >> This Week - War << From handbags at dawn to dawn raids in Helmand, tell us your stories of conflict, fighting and not getting on well with people with guns: http://b3ta.com/questions/war/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Add Microsoft Clippy to your website << Fans of Word.exe will remember the shitty Clippy thing that would pop up and say, "Looks like you are writing a suicide note - shall I change the font to comic sans?" and now you can bring this joy to all your websites. http://www.smore.com/clippy-js >> Questionable Doctor Who Fan art << Rotten fan art is always worth a quick lol. We once started making a quiz based upon crap drawings of bands found on Google. Best pic? En Vogue with lady-cocks. Didn't stick it live in the end as we were worried we'd upset some 14 year-olds who drew this stuff. http://derptorwho.tumblr.com/ >> Buy Amy Winehouse's death place << Got a spare £2.7m? Buy the house Amy Winehouse died in. Can you imagine the twits who'll be pretending to be rich to have a look round? Fans, journalists - they'll need security to stop people stealing the doorknobs to flog on eBay. Still, nice pad, ideal for our 'murder buy-to-lets' business plan where we buy up nasty houses famous for death and rent them out night-by-night to goths and mentals. http://bit.ly/LLzKCR >> 360° view from the Shard << Everyone loves The Shard. It's like a huge pyramid in Central London. After the Apocalypse people will look on it and wonder which Pharaoh is buried beneath. Today why not just admire the view of London, a place which Boris Johnson calls "the Rome of the globalised world." http://www.the-shard.com/views/360.html >> Banksy art as real people << The best thing about Banksy is that he's largely kept his anonymity. Yes there's been photos in the press saying it's this guy or that guy, but we're 100% certain he can sit in his local Costa Coffee and not get a second glance. Must be pretty cool to have a secret like that - "Hee hee, I'm banksy," he must giggle, and then his pee-pee gets hard. http://bit.ly/MVBHOO >> Most Powerful Photographs Ever << Pretend you're still human and can briefly have emotions before clicking onto the next photo. http://bit.ly/JAAQBZ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Sticking the Rudolf Hess in VHS >> Best beatbox interview ever << Some German bloke interviews beatbox legend Beardyman and it's rather amusing. BTW: Beardyman once visited B3ta HQ back in, ooh, 2006? He bought fried chicken from the local place that isn't KFC but looks a bit like KFC and ate it in our office. For more exciting celebrity stories like these, subscribe to our newsletter. http://bit.ly/Km4qfb >> Sort of amusing Anti-royal song << Mostly amusing by being OTT childishly rude. Enjoy your Jubilee. Woo-hoo time off work - but so many of us are freelance / contracts etc that this is utterly meaningless these days. NSFW audio. Make sure you set it as someone's homepage to really fuck them off. http://bit.ly/J8W6LF >> Bang-bang shoot hamster dead << They say never work with children or animals. Who says that? Only people who write shitty links for TV clips shows. http://bit.ly/JQfVHS >> Play the new Countdown game << Your job - should you ever watch Countdown - is to pronounce the nonsense anagrams as the letters are drawn. Or take up heroin. Whichever really. http://bit.ly/L3shyt >> Mad person singing about cats << Videos like this give us hope there's a place for us still on the internet when we lose our looks. (We know you read the newsletter for its occasional glimpses of the handsome staff) http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Not funny or resembling a corner since 1978 Chafing means "skin irritation from rubbing or sweat" so calling a beetle a "cockchafer" is downright rude: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockchafer Although, considering how inventive sailors get at sea, the HMS Cockchafer is more logically named: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HMS_Cockchafer ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Rotten reviews, shit products & more * SINISTER OLYMPIC TAT - It's the reviews that make this bit of junk special. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005HP1UH... * HAUNTED VAGINA BOOK - hopefully dripping with ectojizm. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/097624988... * TOM WATSON DIAL M FOR MURDOCH ON KINDLE - OK this isn't tat and if you've been addicted to Leveson you really need to read Tom's excellent book. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007V5BYI... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Cute kitten @Joetree offers "the photo diary of the cutest kitten in the known universe". http://www.blipfoto.com/entry/2023338 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Explosions Challenge Last week we wanted you to blow stuff up Your favourites included: * BOOM! gracefully-animated nuclear explosion beauty (herman:D) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10774482 * BANG! old-skool gaming detonation splendour footage (Hitler's Barber) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10774474 * BOFF! spectacular caterpillar dietary error blast (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10775041 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/explosions/ >> New challenge: The Other Perspective << This week's challenge is to show iconic moments in TV, Film and History as seen from the other guy's perspective. Challenge suggested by Skotzmun. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/perspective/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MR WORMSLEY'S CHRISTMAS - TRAILER "Hi dude!" squeals Joel Veitch. "I've finally got Wormsley delivered, and whacked the trailer up innit! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The animated crab-epic will be hitting your Sky Atlantic screens this Christmas, which may be THE MOST AWESOME NEWS YOU HEAR ALL YEAR. http://bit.ly/K2rKsH * B3TA ART AUCTION MAKES MONEY FOR CHARITY - Happytoast writes, "the final tally for this year's Art Auction is £2300. We raised almost £1800 on the online part and then a further £500 at the weekend's London bash. I think it's safe to say a top time was had by all. I'll get a photo of me handing a cheque over to the Cat Survival Trust as soon as I can get down there. If you want to see photos of the London bash, there are some in the Flickr group." http://www.flickr.com/groups/b3tabashes/ * C64 AUDIO FOR BETTER VALUE - last week we bigged-up the Commodore 64 Album compiled by Chris Abbott who writes, "Might be a bit late, but could you change the URL in the newsletter? It's a lot better deal than Amazon since you get immediately downloadable FLACs on ordering..." Oh, OK then, just for you. http://www.c64audio.com/productInfo.php * SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC CAMBODIA - "I've been involved in something positive!" exclaims DefyingDarwin. "It's some Cambodian kids trying to say supercali....you know. So maybe have a watch, hopefully it will bring some more sunshine to your days. Look at me - I'm becoming a hippy!" Adorable bit of charity mugging. http://bit.ly/LQZIkp ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WEETABIX AS CEMENT - scraping milk-dried Weetabix off the kitchen table we noted, "this stuff is like cement." Can someone try using it to keep a wall up? Does it work? * BOOKS THAT COME WITH FREE E-BOOK COPY - it's insulting to have to buy the same content twice. Sort it out, publishers & Amazon. * A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF OLIVE OIL - could you swim in it? Would you want to? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sex trumpets: [email protected] Backstabbers: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by that cock stirling, matt round, Jimbotfu, @RichardOsley, Fluffster, sinisterduck, UHMUHRAKA!, awsm!, @jivameuk, @simonindelicate, @tanepiper. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's Dad. Top tip nicked from @reddit. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Amazing mind hack. Lean your head back and pretend to shake a salt cellar into your mouth. You can actually taste it! next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive