we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PRINT IT OUT! WIPE YOUR ARSE ON IT!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * OLYMPICS - Shoot the protesters game * THE RAID - Claymation bloodbath * REPUBLICAN BUTTPLUGS - Sexed-up figures ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're buying 1 share ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> Olympics missile defender << "Would a game where the Olympic mascots fire rooftop missiles at protests be a bad idea?" asks Tom Scott. "Oh. Well, I made one anyway." Defend the Olympics, foil terrorist plots. http://www.tomscott.com/olympics/ >> Claycat's THE RAID << "Claycation, am i right?" queries leehardcastle, inexplicably. We haven't seen the film this is based on but, crikey, it's a bloody, ultra-violent treat! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Claycats_THE_RAID >> iPad beatbox app thing << "This is my big bedroom project of the year so far," confesses karls. "Your inner electro-monkey may become extremely titillated. Please tell your friends who might like it. I really want this to be my job!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Victorian_era_beatbox_ap... >> Shrimp << "Time to get old-school!" yells Weebl, wheeling out an infectious glockenspiel. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shrimp ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Shops and Supermarkets We asked for your shop tales from either side of the counter. There's a lot of stinking, pissy customers out there: http://b3ta.com/questions/shopsandsupermarkets/ * BRIANS - "I've delivered to many supermarkets and the back door staff usually contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren. They don't work the floor for reasons that will become clear. Brian is the big lad; very strong, very tall and very, very slow. But wouldn't hurt a fly. Darren is the opposite. Scrawny and foulmouthed, he lives to bark orders at the Brian and act the cunt. One glorious day, I saw a Brian retaliate. Darren was snarling his usual, "Get a move on, you fat, useless bastard" But Brians only have one speed, in case they lose count of their feet. Darren shouted, "You'd move quicker if yer Mum wanted fucking." Brian picked him up and shoved him head first into the refuse chute - the chute with a one-way flap that led to a skip with no exit. I told Brian's disciplinary hearing quite a lot of lies, and he kept his job." (all my scars face forward) * CLINGFILM - "About 20 years ago, I was working in a fairly nondescript pub, situated on a busy road with very few walk-in clients. The owner dreamed up a sure-fire strategy to boost punters: employ naked women. He arranged for two "hot chicks" to arrive at 3 o'clock each day, get naked and wander around behind the bar. The male staff were to wear formal attire to complete the transformation into an upmarket masturbatoriam. It was shit. There was a building site next door and, as predicted, once word had got out about the "naked chick pub" every afternoon we'd be full of pissed up, slathering labourers. Then the Health Authorities got wind and told the owner he had to cover up the girls, as presumably there was a risk of a badly-wiped arse or evil minge-vapours infecting the beer. Not wanting to lose his hard gained hordes of sad masturbators, he wrapped the girls in... clingfilm. Now, a shapely woman in a tight-fitting dress looks magnificent, with a degree of mystery from the exciting bits being covered up. A woman wrapped in clingfilm just looks plain fucking weird. Everything gets squashed and grossly distorted. Especially the pubes. Imagine a big black spider squashed beneath a pane of glass. Worse was that clingfilm doesn't breathe, so there was a lot of misting, sweating and body odour. Business dropped off as the display of squished flesh was too much even for the most hardened drinker. I left not long after, cured of any desire to ever enter a strip club." (Ken Oath) * ONLINE - "I'd used the Tesco website a couple of times before, and I don't know exactly how it happened - some computer glitch, or, more likely, my brain spazzed and thought I'd got everything for the week. Whatever - the next day my allotted time came, the delivery van arrived and I opened the door not to a small tower of those plastic boxes, but a grinning driver holding a small paper bag. The bag contained one single, solitary, mushroom. I'm sure somebody had gone out of their way to find the single finest specimen as it was absolutely perfect, proportioned, shaped, not a blemish on it. Just not enough to make a spag bol though." (real) >> This Week - Sex Toys << In which we discover why there are no batteries in the telly remote. Tell us what you use to get yourself off: http://b3ta.com/questions/sextoys/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Design your own custom doll << Like the character customisation screen on any number of computer games, except that the end result is you get mailed a slightly spooky-looking little doll. Did we say doll? We meant action figure. http://makie.me/ >> "Blow Job Portraits" << Don't worry, it's entirely safe for work. Photographer lines up volunteers and snaps headshots while they are blasted with compressed air. Some hilarious (and slightly disgusting) expressions on show. http://bit.ly/JMAfLV >> How Yahoo murdered Flickr << Scathing analysis of just how badly the internet giant dropped the ball, when it acquired then-hot photo-sharing site Flickr. They coulda been a Facebook, damnit! http://gizmo.do/L3tC4t >> Hand-carved tyres << Remarkably intricate works of art, to adorn the wheels of the super-rich. http://www.wimdelvoye.be/tyres.php >> Endless Nic Cage gifs << If you find Nicholas Cage to be watchable then you are in for a treat. Anyone else? Sheer madness. http://gifolas-cage.tumblr.com/archive >> Sorry Stewart Lee - we love you << Stewart Lee has been googling for nasty comments about himself and sticking them on his site. Three made by b3tans on /links. http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/online_critiques.htm >> 25 words that don't exist in English. << Handy list of words that express concepts we don't have in English. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've been struck with litost. http://bit.ly/IhHLwP ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO The web is now a shitty telly. Yay >> Make a controller from anything << MaKey MaKey is a Kickstarter project for an "invention kit". Basically, it lets you make a computer interface from pretty much anything. Our favourite was 'Banana Piano'. http://kck.st/IT93rz >> Grand Old Party buttplugs << Fun with data visualisation - voter approval ratings for each of the Republican presidential candidates, produced as a range of handy buttplugs. The Santorum looks like it would get medieval on your ass. http://mepler.com/Grand-Old-Party >> European borders over the last 1,000 years << The shifting patterns of Europe's countries over the last millennium. Watch the Mongol Horde advance on Europe, see Germany come out of nowhere and get huge, gasp as France surrenders etc. etc. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Pub dog << Gently charming animation about a dog in a pub, in a slightly 'Simon's Cat' style. http://bit.ly/JoM0nW >> Dad & kids remake 'Sabotage' << The Beastie Boys' awesome Sabotage video remade by a father and his kids, just mucking about. Better than it sounds. http://bit.ly/Kov4PT ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Frauline minge The top two German URLs that almost look like rude words for lady bits. http://www.gunt.de/ http://autohaus-cuntz.de/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Camels Challenge Last week we asked you to salute the camel. Your favourites included: * MUSICAL: they dance, they sing, they win the image challenge (Clueless Egg Cunt) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765451 * CLUNGE: DIY solution to age-old lady-problem (Captn Hood-Butter) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765775 * CANCER: magnificent, cigar-quaffing ship of the desert animation (The Twisted Omentum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10766122 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/camels/ >> New challenge: Heaven << We pride ourselves on answering the Big Questions here at b3ta, and this week's challenge is to answer one of the very biggest: what does Heaven look like? http://b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TA ART AUCTION - Happy Toast writes, "Just wanted to say cheers to whoever was behind the gaz system. I gave it a pretty strenuous testing over the weekend sending messages back and forth between the auction winners and artists without the slightest hiccup. We've raised about £1,300 with a few bits yet to come in, plus the follow-on live auction at the London bash still to go. So, all in all, lovely generous b3tards all round. All money donated to The Cats Survival Trust where Nina the b3ta snow leopard lives." * INTERVIEW WITH ASHENS - your favourite B3tan who's made a career about of reviewing electronic tat on YouTube has done an interview with Reddit. http://t.co/RkpleMc2 * LOTS OF FOLLOWERS FOR BANKSY - old-school B3tan @Toastmaster who made the Banksy twitter account has now got lots of followers thanks to you. Nearly 5,000 of the buggers. https://twitter.com/#!/BanksyIdeas * B3TA PHOTOSHOPS COME TRUE - Mystery Bob writes, "Nearly 10 years ago, I made this picture for B3ta (and got my second ever frontpage.. woo). Just recently I was given this as a gift... I wonder what stuff popping up on the board today will be available for real in 10 years' time. I really hope it's not any of Cyriak's stuff." http://b3ta.com/board/392646 http://amzn.to/JcpcgB * YOUR OWN DAN BULL SONG - "I'm selling a customised song on eBay," reveals rapmeister Dan Bull. ('rapmeister' is what the kids call it, right?) "I'll write & record a track about anything you want!" Carve yourselves off a little piece of history. http://t.co/IyGuX2Np ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LEVESON LOLS - tom.kimble asks, "I wonder if, in the style of 'I'm not here to Make Friends' or the 'Like' mash-up from 'When Fearne met Peaches', one of your b3tans might be able create a video combining all of the instances in the Leveson enquiry when News International employees were unable to recall things." * A TUMBLR OF THE LOWEST-QUALITY HIGHEST-PRICED PROPERTY IN THE UK - we'll start you off with this lovely place; a snip at £175k http://bit.ly/J5FRib * SNOT AS SEASONING - if your snot is anything like ours it's pretty damn salty. Ideal for flavouring soup or pasta. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sex piss: [email protected] Dog piss: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jms, HappyToast, Abercadabra, ‏@kingjaynl, @matlock, ‏@RobBoella, Tab Hunter, UltimateMonkey, adfsingh, atomicstate Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via Pope Shax IX Subjlols via @mathmif. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Convince friends that you have a cat by shitting and puking on the carpet and shredding furniture with a Stanley knife. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive