we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA: MORE SUBSCRIBERS THAN THERE ARE LIB-DEM VOTERS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BIROS - Enter our biro art challenge * AMAZON TAT - Teacup that looks like a bog * HOARDING - Tell us your stories of mad ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving coupons ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Yoda, Ladybird, Facebook & Banksy >> Yoda - Ay - EEE - Ooooo << "May the 4th be with you," intones pi bennett, solemnly. Then this peculiar thing. Happy Farscape Day or whatever, nerds. http://bit.ly/JY57dY >> Harsh reality books for kids << Blackmoon has done a lovely rewrite/update of the classic 1960s Ladybird books. Teach today's kids what they need to know. http://www.markta.co.uk/ladybird/ >> Jackman hijacks Travolta's Facebook << "JT lets Jackman use his super-swish computer to crack a 512-bit encryption code, but forgets to log out.." explains Superplex. We love the look of tremendous self-satisfaction on Jackman's face at his own, mediocre pranking. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Banksy R&D Twitter << "I just started a Twitter account," confides Toast Master, "From fictional Banksy R&D Department @BanksyIdeas." It's full of topical, cultural references, yeah? http://twitter.com/BanksyIdeas ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Morning After Souvenirs We wanted to know what you'd woken up clutching triumphantly after a night out. The sheer irrationality of some of your souvenirs makes us terribly proud: http://b3ta.com/questions/morningaftersouvenirs/ * SQUELCHY - "A friend of mine (honest) woke up in the morning after a heavy night feeling a bit sticky 'downstairs'. He thought 'Oh my God, I've shat myself.' With trepidation, he peeled back the duvet, and glanced down. It wasn't shit. It was a mixture of garlic sauce, donner meat and shredded lettuce smeared all over his lower torso and genitals. To one side, a sad looking, torn up pitta bread. He'd had sex with a kebab." (SnowyTheRabbit) * FLASHY - "In my first year at Uni I collected bollards, flashing yellow roadworks lights, etc. Every morning I'd wake up to find a couple more in my room. Sometimes there was even a 'ROAD CLOSED' sign or two. It got to the point that I could hardly move around my room for all the council-clutter. So I hatched a cunning plan and later that very night I swung (drunkenly) into action... I closed off an entire road. Yep, there were ROAD CLOSED signs, dozens of bollards, and plenty of those yellow flashing lights. Very impressive if I say so myself. Upper Marsh in Lambeth stayed closed for four whole days, with annoyed-looking drivers having to reverse out into main-road traffic. Only on the fifth day did the council come and unblock my road. Yes, that's right, MINE, forever more, because for four entire days I OWNED that road." (Purple Martin) * WHIFFY - "In the late 1990s, the capital was regularly plastered with fly-posters for bands. One night, I spied one for Air's sublime Sexy Boy. The poster was ace - minimal, with their iconic monkey. It was attached to one of those green junction boxes and already peeling off along with the 45 posters underneath it. I carefully pulled and - Huzzah! It came away in one piece. What with it actually being a stack of posters glued together, it stood up by itself. So I propped it up on the radiator in my bedroom. It was only when the heating came on the next day that I realised exactly how many passers-by had used that junction box as an impromptu urinal." (costas) >> This Week - Hoarding << "Just in case" - yeah, that's why we have four ZIP drives on a shelf. What old crap have you kept against all rational judgment. Has it ever come in useful? Tell us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/hoarding/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Million Short search engine << Simply removing the million most popular sites from your web search yields really interesting results. It's almost... better, if you're looking for something specific. http://millionshort.com/ >> 'Life-ruining secrets' << A real journey into the heart of darkness, as confessional Reddit thread brings out tales of, well, murder and incest. Obviously, it's all lies, but still a cracking read. http://bit.ly/Ka3H13 >> Bullshit political story? << List article on Cracked turns into an impassioned rant. If you see certain words in a headline, you'll know the story is a load of crap. Media coverage tries to make politics more interesting by treating it as some sort of partisan team sport, instead of something, you know, important. http://bit.ly/JlrfsN >> Plushies made from children's drawings << Kids don't necessarily draw the cutest things, resulting in some highly peculiar and individual-looking toys. http://www.flickr.com/photos/childsown/ >> Dad takes amazing photos of kids << Kids' granny got sick, so their dad started taking these insanely cool photos so she could see them having fun. Just excellent. http://bit.ly/HSHpfV >> Ukrainian 'Barbie Girl' << Strange pics of woman's inexplicable quest to make herself look like a plastic doll. http://vk.com/photos4926666 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV with a smeared rather than dusty screen >> Do toddlers like Radiohead? << Adorable tots review Paranoid Android, with the aid of some drawings. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Grandmas watch the Kardashian sex tape << Three old ladies talk about, then watch a celebrity sex tape. Great comments. People in their 70s are quite hard to shock about some things. http://bit.ly/Jj3xPV >> How to stop a nightmare << Aww. Mummy cat comforts her sleeping baby. Although the real question is, what sort of monster idly stands by, filming while a kitten has a bad dream?? http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_stop_a_nightmare >> 'Autistic reporter visits Afghanistan' << Thoughtful sketch that uses the child-like lens of autism to explain some uncomfortable truths about war. http://b3ta.com/links/785056 >> Awesome cat fight << Filmed out of someone's window, but with an epic score, two crows make cats fight for their own amusement. Well-played, crows, but you're too clever, like little, feathery velociraptors. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Jim Kerr We haven't thought about CuteOverload in yonks but Kompani reminded us it's still going strong, with this charming mix of Simple Minds lyrics and a photo of a wet kitten. http://bit.ly/u8jDj3 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny like an STD is funny * CUMING MUSEUM - chrishilt0n points out that this Southwark museum has a sort of funny name. We already know about this - we used to live about 5 mins from it. Really interesting and quirky collection. There's a night hat covered in real human teeth, a flea circus and a strange, stuffed monkey sewn to a fish, that was exhibited as some kind biological freak. Worth an hour of your time if you're in the area and your expectations are sort of low (it's curious rather than amazing). http://www.southwark.gov.uk/cumingmuseum * PRICK UP YOUR EARS - Hong Kong makes a cock and balls from headphones. http://www.digitalradio.gov.hk/en/basics/index.htm... ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Troll reviews and junk product corner * TOILET MUG - specifically designed to make tea look like refreshing liquid shit. An ideal present for a friend with bowel cancer. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002SQG4T... * ZUBA PANTS REVIEWS - "I'm a roadie by trade - dragon slayer by choice. These pants fit for both." Also worth looking at the customer submitted photos: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000WVXM0W/... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Disappointment Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us the face of disappointment Your favourites included: * HORROR: gift to girlfriend prompts headband-generated misery (herman:D) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10756694 * SADNESS: b3ta board meme spirals devastatingly in on itself (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10754942 * MISERY: in which Jeremy, the annoying horse, returns in shame to the paddock (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10755410 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/disappointment/ >> New challenge: Biro Art << This week's challenge is to create your next masterpiece in biro, or model something out of several biros. Show those poncy charcoal/acrylic users the true power of the ballpoint pen. Show them hard. Challenge suggested by Yo 'Ho Charles and a bottle o' rum. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/biros/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * POO-MASHING CHERRY STONES - Sittingduck writes, "I lived in a house with a poo-mashing toilet. One night me and some friends visited a pub and sat in the beer garden under a massive cherry tree that was loaded with fruit. Throughout the night we gorged ourselves on beer and cherries. Being a bit pissed come the end of the evening I'd swallowed a load of cherry stones. The following morning, after my habitual morning dump, I pulled the flush and was treated to a sound like one of those rain-maker sticks found in hippy tat shops. Just about made my day ;)" * FAKE TURDS TO TEST TOILETS - Chiptooth writes, "Follow on from macerators, I thought this would interest you. How to test bogs? With tiny little turds, it seems!" http://bit.ly/JIPcAS * LAST DAYS OF THE B3TA ART AUCTION - Happy Toast writes, "It's the final few days of the B3ta Art Auction 2012. Now's your chance to grab a bargain AND donate money to charity. Pick up a 3D light-up Goatse painting, a Watchmen sock monkey or a portrait of David Lynch and your pennies will feed & home big cats!" http://b3ta.com/links/749374 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DAVID ICKE ALARMCLOCK - "Wake up sheeple!" * TV SHOWS THAT ED MILIBAND WOULD WATCH - "Make a new level on Manic Miner" "Work out an infinite lives poke for Alien8". We will enjoy Sir Clive Sinclair's presenting The Apprentice. * IDEAS TO MAKE MONEY - go on breakfast TV & then moon at the audience. Your arse. 7:30 in the morning. YouTube gold. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Fucking sub yeah!: [email protected] Fuck off then: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mattround,‏ @sandersonjones, ButacuP, @nickie72, sinisterduck, c_reporter_explains, mrandrist, mictoboy, jams, curseofbeers. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via Me, I'm not... posting. Subjlols via nordelius. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Convince friends that they have a cat, by sneaking into their house, shitting & puking on the carpet then shredding their furniture with a Stanley Knife. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive