we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BROGRAMMERS: CODERS WHO LOVE BRO-JOBS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FACEBOOK - On its way out? * LAST BLOOD - Rambo/Spectrum tribute * TOILETS - your surprising opinions ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're injecting heroin ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Buy some ads so we don't have to pimp ethernet cable. FFS. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Facebook, Fish, Wanking and Politics >> Facebook is killing itself << "Does every website, corporation, institution or even pan-global empire eventually collapse under the weight of its own arrogance?" asks Dan Bull. "I made a rap song full of easter eggs, with the help of fellow B3tan null. Now I'm trying to get it into the charts." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook_is_killing_itse... >> The Abyssal Zone: Nature's lava lamp << "I have spent the last few weeks painstakingly cutting up footage of scary-looking fish from Blue Planet," confesses video-fishmonger Mr Eraserhead. "This is the result." http://bit.ly/Iw5jyE >> Base Wanking << "I made a new thing with butters innit dude!" exclaims Joel Veitch. "It's a celebration of the glory that is Base Wanking, and it's also the rudest and most juvenile animation in the history of man." You've been warned. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Base_Wanking >> Ian Bowler's Electile Dysfuntion Ep 3 << "Right-wing dogsbody and mayoral candidate Sir Ian deals with setbacks on the campaign trail in a typically dignified and restrained way," writes alter-ego Natt Tapley. NSFW some swears. http://bit.ly/JK78v3 ------------------------------------------------- : YOUR THOUGHTS ON TOILET MACERATORS They chop up your poo and go whrrr! * NOISY - "They chopped the poos down into a pulp and sounded like a chainsaw, couldn't use it at night because it woke everyone up. Never remember it blocking, however!" * FIRE - krang writes, "My girlfriend had one at her rented house. I did a really big poo that it couldn't handle and it caught fire. The fire brigade turned up and everything. I didn't tell them what had caused the fire." * SPEW - sanity challenged writes, "We had one where I used to work. Unfortunately the dream of having one you'll never need to clean is short-lived - it wasn't long before the thing regularly blocked up, spewing ground-up waste back into the bowl. And this was in a shop full of ladies who were slightly phobic of pooing in public, so it was only dealing with loo roll. Manly mega-dumps may make it explode." BTW: The general use of a macerator isn't to flush big poos but to allow a toilet to be fitted in a room with only a narrow drain. Popular in guesthouses and crappy flat conversions. BTW2: Bela Lugosi's Dad recommends, "Can't help with your chod-churning issues but I can't recommend Harpic Power Plus toilet cleaner highly enough. I bought it to clean under the rim but it decimates panslime like nothing I've seen, you don't have to do any more. And you can get it in Poundland. I'm so alone." ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Sporting Woe We asked for your memories of organised sport, mostly to see if it was as bad for you as was for us. It was. Read on: http://b3ta.com/questions/sports/ * MAGNET CHICKEN - "Working at the local tip over one summer we invented MAGNET CHICKEN. The rules are simple, climb inside an empty skip and take it in turn to throw magnets at one another. Your average tip is lousy with discarded stereos; a swift toecap to the speakers yields a collection of magnets. As your empty skip is basically a 5m long steel corridor, a thrown magnet will veer off and stick to the wall with a wonderful 'SPANG' noise. The aim of the game is to see how hard you dare to throw a magnet at your friend. So I tossed the first magnet, pitifully it slammed into the left wall whole feet away from my opponent. He retaliated by overarm bowling a 3lb monster from a car subwoofer at me at lightning speed. 'WANN-NNG!' the whole skip reverberated as this thing slammed into the wall next to my head, missing my eye by millimetres. "You cunt, have some of... THIS!" I replied wrenching the magnet from the skip and hurling it back at him. My cack- handedness resulted in the magnet clearing the top of the skip and landing out of sight with an almighty reverberating KER-SPANG. Leaping out of the skip we were confronted by a horrifying sight. A middle-aged man, pale-faced and shaking with terror was frozen to the spot, halfway through removing an oven from his boot. An oven with a crater-sized dent in it, centered around a speaker magnet." (willenium) * REVENGE - "The Kids Who Were Shit At Sports had to set athletics stuff up for the Kids Who Were Good At Sports. So we used to make all the hurdles different heights, and random distances apart. It was fun to watch from the sides." (Pope Shax IX) * 'LYMPICS - "The Paralympics is PE gone mad." (browser) >> This Week - Morning After Souvenirs << Woken up clutching something you've no memory of obtaining, let alone what it is? Talk through the hangover here: http://b3ta.com/questions/morningaftersouvenirs/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Make any website 3D << Creative abuse of CSS lets you render most websites as a disorientating cluster of hovering rectangles. And they want to eat your eyes. http://www.edankwan.com/lab/3dit >> Logical fallacy poster << A handy giant-sized poster, to help you win all internet arguments. Or at least a handy reference as to why they leave you so annoyed. http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/poster >> American Civil War photos << Fascinating collection of mid 19th-century photos detailing people and places of the American Civil War. http://bit.ly/A3goLb >> Fake identity generator << Slightly sinister site that randomly creates new personal details for filling out forms anonymously. http://www.fakenamegenerator.com/ >> Read Korean in 15 minutes! << Comic strip talks you through the deceptively simple Korean alphabet. http://ryanestradadotcom.tumblr.com/post/204612679... >> Nyan Waites << Does what it says on the tin. http://nyanwaits.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : HOW TO MAKE TODDLERS SLEEP Your tips shared * TIN FOIL - Ndusting writes, "Kids can and will sleep past 05:30 but the room needs to be blacked out. In Spain we have true blackout blinds; otherwise they will wake as soon as there's any light. One trick we used at my in-laws place on the coast; tin foil on the windows does the same job. My brother in law took the piss... until the following morning when they were up again at 05:00 and we slept until 07:30." * SPECIAL ALARM CLOCK - [Name lost] recommends a this awesome alarm clock that trains your children to stay in bed by displaying a moon at night and a sun in the day. MOON MEANS SLEEP. LEARN IT CHILD PIGEON. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002APJCN... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a video tape but using internet >> Wolverhampton tourism 1972 << Got a time machine but no money? Why not vacation in the scenic Black Country town known as 'the Venice of the Midlands'. Wonderful archive footage. BTW: Make sure you check out other John Swallow vids on the archive - legendary and amusing Midlands reporter. http://bit.ly/lRCjuv >> Ain't Nobody Got Time For That << Sweet Brown's house burning down earlier this month was a real bonanza for the internet's lolmongers. Here's her amazing interview autotuned into something quite extraordinarily catchy. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "Say no to unplanned pregnancy" << Another amazing ad, from the team that brought you Chuck Testa. Hilarious and knowing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/say_no_to_unplanned_preg... >> Tactical gameshow move or madness? << Tense showdown at the end of supercomplex game show Golden Balls. It's basically the Prisoner's Dilemma, where both contestants try to predict the other's move - then one takes matters into his own hands. Action starts at 2:35. http://bit.ly/Ih34C3 >> Flying geometry << Crazy, rotating shape propels itself by flipping inside out, like the hovering Rubik's Snake from our anxiety dream last night. http://bit.ly/HVsZP4 >> Brilliant YouTube comment << Much, much funnier than it sounds. Bloke creases up as he reads out a message from a fan, whose abuse of English borders on genius. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Laughs_at_Youtube_Co... ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY Des'ree and her shit lyrics Des'ree once sang "I don't want to see a ghost / It's a sight that I fear most / I'd rather have a piece of toast." A rhyme so notoriously banal that few have forgotten it. Including this newly created parody account featuring such delights as "Murdoch is quite an old man. He's not young like that Gok Wan. Listening to Duran Duran. Missing Madeleine McCann." https://twitter.com/desree_life ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAMEY GAME TIME Rambo's Last Blood Celebrating 30 years of Sinclair Spectrum this week with this experimental sequel to Rambo: First Blood (which was basically a remake of Commando). Here Rambo dies and attempts to atone for the pain he's caused, by hugging the souls of the dead. http://www.javidpower.com/lastblood/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Superheroes Challenge Last week we wanted you to create new hoaxes Your favourites included: * HELL - life hasn't been the same for Anung Un Rama since he moved the family to Peckham (ham o' shanter) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10750384 * PUSSY: takes a back seat after an unpleasant visit to the vet (Ninj) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10749273 * ARMED: in which Dr. Otto Gunther Octavius packs the shopping in near- record time (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10748108 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superheroes/ >> New challenge: Disappointment << What form does it take? What causes it? This week's challenge is to show us what disappointment looks like. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/disappointment/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ORDINARY DAY FOR CHARITY - All that jumping out of planes and marathons dressed as a cow? Foolish, wasted effort, according to Mushybees. Watch his pitch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch * PURPLESTOCK II - Professor Kenny Martin writes, "I'm running Purplestock again this year; the charity gig that I started in memory of Jess. This year's is on May the 5th, in Derby. Is there any chance of a mention in next week's newsletter please?" http://www.purplestock.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include... Ah fuck it, here's some thoughts about e-paper. * E-WALLPAPER - imagine Kindle screen electronic paper all over your wall. You could change your wallpaper with an app. Or change your friends' wallpaper to cocks and alter the password. * E-PAPER KINDLE COVERS - imagine if your electronic books actually broadcast via the cover what you were reading? * E-INK TATTOOS - why even have a Kindle when you could read Pride & Prejudice on your e-ink tattooed penis? Genius UI - If you need big print then just get an erection. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends: [email protected] Twats: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @TomChivers, mitsusproogi, Fadgebadger, TheTrampSurveyor, @editorialgirl, @viralfactory, @blanalive, @seth_weisfeld, WiL, unclepills, Smale, jams, @GigerPunk, @The_Tonks Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols inspired by @DanielKelly84. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Convince people you own an iPhone by ending all of your emails with the line: Sent from my iPhone. (Woodlouse) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive