we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "GAY BUSES SPREAD HGV VIRUS CLAIM CHRISTIANS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ENNUI - The travails of Henri le chat * GOATSE - but the good kind * FRIDAY 13TH - Mentioned only three times ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're slapping our ___/ _ |/_ > Bad Ass Dog << "Recently we made a cat video that did quite well," explains Ornsack. "Now we've made a dog video so we can see which animal is the best once and for all!" Say, that's a bad ass dog! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bad_Ass_Dog >> Arsebishop << "I spent my rainy Easter weekend creating a little game," laments Bagpuss. "Hopefully you will have whole seconds of pleasure from it." Can you tell the difference between a bishop and a hairy man-arse, as the game tries its damnedest to stitch you up every time? http://arsebishop.com >> Wall of Sheep's eyes << That's long-time b3tan Sheep's eyes, of course. "It's a sort-of-animation, but also sort-of-interactive thing," he explains. "Oh, and it's a bit sinister. Thanks to Cadavre Exquis for coding help." http://sheepfilms.co.uk/interact/eyes.htm >> Alien: The Easter Edition << Alien's pretty much a gift for Easter; you've got the eggs and the, uh, the fourth film is called Resurrection and, um. Anyway, "I've made an Easter-themed parody of Alien," writes Cap'n, who has really pulled out the stops for this. "Arguably NSFW, if your work doesn't like chocolately gore." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alien_The_Easter_Edition ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Screengrabbing without Photoshop You want to share a section your screen on the internet or stick it in a Word document. You press Print Screen. You open Photoshop. You paste it in. You crop it to get the bit you want. You export for web to get the file size down. What an utter faff! Imagine this could be done with just a couple of clicks and no Adobe bloatware? Well, now it can. Download Dowce for free... http://www.dowce.com/ ------------------------------------------------- AMAZON TROLL CORNER - Veet for Men Hair Removal. The first customer review is worth a quick look. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000KKNQB... ------------------------------------------------- : HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH Just the fax ma'am * ITALY - Friday the 17th is considered unlucky to our Roman cousins - even once renaming a popular Hollywood film, "Shriek – Do You Have Something to Do on Friday the 17th" * GREECE - Whereas the Greeks get the heebie-jeebies about Tuesday the 13th. * THE RAP COMMUNITY - Tupac was pronounced dead on September 13, 1996. If he'd lived he'd now be 41 and rapping about the importance of using ISAs to save and where to move to get his kids into a good school. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Terrified! We wanted your moments of utter terror, glued to the spot, pants filled with poo: http://b3ta.com/questions/terrified/ * AT LEAST HE DIDN'T MENTION STAR WARS - "I'm a journalist interviewing Temuera Morrison, the actor who played Jake The Muss in Once Were Warriors; arguably the scariest character to grace the silver screen. So I've spent a day on set watching Morrison work, chatting away when we could and being thoroughly charmed by someone who's not only professional but a lovely guy. At the end I thanked him for his time and confessed I'd been somewhat worried about the interview having watched Once Were Warriors at the weekend as part of my research. "Why?" he asked. "Because you were so bloody frightening as Jake..." and in a heartbeat, Morrison's entire demeanor changed. He went livid with rage, veins popped out on his forehead and he leaned across the table until he was about two inches from my face and snarled: "What. The. FUCK! Do you mean by that!!!" I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I just sat there thinking, "This is how I die." Then Morrison sat back with a huge grin on his face and said: "See that? That's called acting!" Give that man an Oscar... and give me a new pair of pants." (difficultchild) * RUN - "I was once walking home at night behind a woman. She started walking faster in that 'trying not to look like you're walking fast' way. I picked up my speed a bit, too. She then started walking even faster and so did I. Then she broke into a gentle jog, and when I did as well she went into an all-out sprint. By that time we were only about 200 metres from my house, but when I got home I was out of breath and sweating. To this day I don't know what we were running from. (Ghoti Fingers) * NEPHRECTOMY - "As a young, uncircumcised boy with perhaps one pubic hair, I remember being told about wanking and having a little fumbling fiddle in bed that night. Problem was that I'd always had a rather tight foreskin and after a few minutes my foreskin retracted for the first time and out popped my never-seen-before bell end. I thought I'd broken my penis - to my terrified young mind, my kidney had found its way out of my body. I cried myself to sleep convinced God was punishing this little Catholic for his sins." (emadex) >> This Week - Twattery << It's just an excuse to get you to tell us about people that get on your tits again, but, still, twats: http://b3ta.com/questions/twattery/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Vandalised Daily Telegraph << Proper lols from the Tippex-spattered front pages of Britain's second-favourite right-wing broadsheet. "Giant tit poster inside!" http://www.dailytorygraph.com/ >> Toilet paper Old Masters << This lady whiles away long plane journeys by locking herself in the lavatory and pretending to be a 16th Century Dutch painting. Guess it beats Solo Mile High Club frequent flyer points. http://bit.ly/sOWZLJ >> Amazing 1k Javascript << The coding equivalent of contortionism, as designers try to fit something excellent into just 1k of data. Check out the romantic javascript sunset! http://t.co/ujG0oXjN >> The man behind goatse << Or rather the man in front of goatse, or rather... eh. Anyway, Gawker tracks down the man whose gaping ass haunted your mid-2000s web nightmares. SFW, although anything you click on subsequently probably won't be. http://gaw.kr/HxxcsG >> The Brian Sewell soundboard! << The supremely plummy-voiced fine art curmudgeon now does the bidding of your very own fingers! What would you have him say?? http://bit.ly/dzL7fS >> Txts from a dog << A dog and his owner communicate mainly via texting each other - funnier than it sounds! http://textsfromdog.tumblr.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if telly cost £40 a month and only the people who own the transmitters get paid. * HOW THE BLIND USE AN iPHONE - Surprisingly effective and we're planing to poke our own eyes out so we can try this interface too. http://www.youtube.com/watch * EXISTENTIAL CAT - despair, angst, absurdity, alienation, and bits of string. Oh the life of Henri le chat. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Henri_a_lennui * IF FACEBOOK WERE INVENTED IN THE 90s - some nice retro stylings here. A series that could run and run. Apply the same formula to YouPorn - lol it's a 2 hour wait to d/l an animated gif of Pamela Anderson for more formulaic lols. http://bit.ly/IDlUkD * ADVERT VOICE OVER HUMOUR - re-voicing ads is comedy 101. People should do more of it. http://bit.ly/ItRke2 * ULTRA-SLOW KATE BUSH WUTHERING HEIGHTS - delightful way to spend 36 minutes should you be waiting to come up on LSD. You can appreciate every note of her famous melody. http://bit.ly/J5YJLY * CATS ARE CUNTS - and if you ever needed proof: http://bit.ly/Iy3YKl ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still not funny. Don't read it. * HOSPITAL 'LOLS' - Check out the name of the hospital this guy was taken to. http://bit.ly/HhdccK * PORTMANTEAU - With the gas-heating / gash-eating URL lols we think our faves are: 1. http://www.progasheating.co.uk/ 2. http://www.welshgasheating.co.uk/ 3. http://www.northerngasheating.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THE METAFILTER FAT TEST 'Renoroc Penile/Podiatry Visual Test' A good test for a man is to look down while taking a shower: If you can see your penis and your feet without sucking in your gut, you are healthy If you can't see your penis, you are overweight If you can't see your feet, you are obese. We can't see our feet over our penis. http://bit.ly/HZOv1R ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Lots of variations on Pong Possibly our favourite is Epilepsy Pong which makes the screen flash horribly. If they ever make V2 our ideas include: A. SCREAMING PONG - like pong but with the sounds of screams. B. YOU'RE PONG NOW - You play the ball and not the bat. C. PONG FOR EUROPE - With vaguely UKIPy Terry Wogan commentary. http://www.pippinbarr.com/games/pongs/Pongs.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Skeletons Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate bones. Your favourites included: * GOATSE - from back when shock sites were single images and not video. Those were the days, my internet friends. (polished turd) http://b3ta.com/board/10735363 * ORVILLE THE DUCK - FACT: also tours as an adult show called 'Duck Off' (kung-fu womble) http://b3ta.com/board/10735428 * STATUS QUO - so-named after Francis Rossi flicked through a dictionary. Lucky they weren't called Dinosaur. Or Plinth. Or Clogs. (Little Animal Disaster) http://b3ta.com/board/10735904 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/Skeletons/ >> New challenge: New Hoax << We've all seen Shark vs Helicopter and know it isn't real, so it's about time there were some new hoax photos on the web. http://b3ta.com/challenge/Hoax/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TA GOATSE - Best of B3ta's alternative Olympic logos, used without irony by Newmarket Town Council. http://i.imgur.com/vvqku.jpg * FURTIVE BED - pleased to see our classic donation icon still inspires. Yay for Smash Monkey for producing this. Hopefully it won't get too spunky. http://www.b3ta.com/board/10742112 * JOEL DOES YET ANOTHER CRUSHER AD - and they say jobs for life disappeared with the deindustrialisation of the UK and the mass privatisations of public companies. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crusha_Breakdancing_Kitt... * BIG BABIES RIP - Marts writes, "Sadly Big Babies was told it was to be no more yesterday. New commissioners etc. But thanks to those who digged it on here. We are a tad gutted as we thought we were finally onto something. But hey. We are trying to go out with a bang." http://www.b3ta.com/links/BBC_Big_Babies_RIP * MOVIE DEAL FOR JARED EARLE - he writes, "Me and my pals have got a movie deal for our 20-year-old RPG, SLA Industries." http://nightfall.co/368/sla-industries-news.html * THINGU IS NOW CLAYCAT'S THING - "I got into legal trouble from the Pingu people," admits leehardcastle, creator of the gory claymation Thing parody. "I had take down the original video and then remake it again with a cat. So, am planning to do a series of these as THINGU did so well." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Claycats_THE_THING * CRAP TANK Mk II - "As people here have been so nice, I thought i'd pop up my latest Crap Tank video in the hope that it raises a smile or two," beams JamHamster. The eponymous remote-controlled war machine is now properly menacing and has a turret-mounted BB gun. http://bit.ly/IldlZn ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A GUIDE TO ALL MEDIA - author John Lanchester suggests that The Economist is a fascinating read as long as you skip the bit in every story that says "and the solution is the free market". He's utterly right - any other genuinely insightful tips to detoxify bias in media? * A BUILT-IN LIGHT FOR THE KINDLE - insane that one has to be bought separately making the whole device bulkier and more awkward. They could make the rim smaller too and call it the slightly punning, "Kindle Light". * E-INK COVERS FOR KINDLES / IPHONES - we miss books having covers that broadcast what you are reading to other people on the Tube etc. Please fix this, oh capitalist overlords. (As you can see, we've been reading a lot of Kindle this week. Or the Amazon Swindle as Richard Stallman calls it. Our favourite thing is to grab the free 14 days subs to magazines / newspapers, then remember to cancel before we're charged.) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends: [email protected] Bastards: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @WightHot, WiL, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Pig Traverse, AudioToast, NJtoTX, CopyBeard, iamdrdee, chulk607, Harry Webshiter, @andysith. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. We <3 Matt Round Top Tip via (username failed moderation) Subjlols via benito vaselini. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSOR B3TA Buy some ad space oh lovely people. If you enjoy B3ta then please consider advertising with us. Maybe you're sitting on a huge corporate budget and can syphon a bit off for your favourite internet newsletter? Think of it as a tax on your boss for making you work too hard. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: MEN: Are you a tit man, or an arse man? In Sainsburys, if you're an arse man, start off on the far left, as most shoppers do, and follow along the aisles in order to stare at arses. If you're a tit man, start off in the second aisle; other shoppers will always be walking towards you. WOMEN: Do your shopping online. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive