we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DELAYED WHILE THE GOVERNMENT READS IT FIRST" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Cats Boobs Rainbows! * PRODUCT - Armando Iannucci Long Handled Shopping Bag * ALIEN - The Text Adventure ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Good Friday ___/ _ |/_ > Goggle Dangerous Glasses << "I couldn't resist," explains Happytoast - quick off the satire mark on that rubbish Google augmented reality vid. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Goggle_Project_Dangerous... >> Cats Boobs Rainbows << What happens when things that are individually awesome are multiplied x infinity? "Fffffffffffff fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuccccccccccc cccccccccc kkkkkk," exclaims intrepid experimentalist Faceburger. http://www.b3ta.com/links/cats_boobs_rainbows >> Alien the Text Adventure Game << "Ripley passes some off-duty time with Mother," informs Black Moon. Retro sci-fi keyboard fans rejoice. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alien_frustration_II ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TROLLING CORNER Stupid reviews for stupid products * ARMANDO IANNUCCI LONG HANDLED SHOPPING BAG - as recently highlighted by Iannucci's twitter account where he's pleading for people to "stop buying this, a bag of me." , reviews include, "My life has been empty and without meaning since Sarah left me and took the kids with her" and "I carried this bag through the streets of Glasgow and was immediately attacked." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0055RX2J... * £327,342.00 WRISTWATCH - reviews include: "Very faulty product. I have bought four of them" and "I have just purchased one of these fine watches for my basset hound's 2nd birthday." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006H4L6G... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The Great Outdoors We wanted your stories of camping, glamping and intestinal cramping: http://b3ta.com/questions/thegreatoutdoors/ * CHINOS - "Last year we went camping with a few other families for the August Bank Holiday. I'd purchased some wonderfully bright cream chinos especially for the event. The tent went up a treat, the campfire was roaring and the lukewarm beer was flowing. The chinos looked just the part. A few beers later and I felt what I thought would be a rather audible botty cough coming. Hoping for a fantastic humourous effect, I offered my finger to my fellow campers to pull, whereupon I squeezed with all my might to get the best sound. But rather than the sound of ripped curtains, I, and all the other campers, just heard a dull squelch. Then silence. I had just followed through into a pair of unblemished cream chinos. I was hoping that it wouldn't show, but I was sadly mistaken. It left an almighty mess. Emptying out your own mess from your own chinos into a portaloo at 1am isn't much fun. The next day the in-laws came to visit, which was very nice, but, as she left, the mother-in- law asked if there was any washing we wanted doing and without thinking my wife passed over the carrier bag containing my shit-stained-chinos. Gawd bless her, she washed them and never mentioned it. I supposed it will teach me for thinking Cream Chinos are in any way acceptable." (Wildyles) * SEAGULL - "Some friends had been invited to a stag do down on the beach near Brighton. The idea was to spend the day fishing, cook what they caught over a fire, then spend the rest of the evening getting trollied by the sea. So six or seven of begin casting out lines. One lad - let's call him John - was opposed to the idea of fishing, or any bloodsport, as he put it. After a few words about joining in, and doing it for the groom, he eventually picked up a rod. First cast, the weight and bait fly through the air, wrap around a passing seagull and plummets into the sea. "Shit! shit!" shouts John, the line spinning off the reel as the seagull splashes down. Another seagull flies down beside the thrashing seagull, calling out for his mate... "Squawk, Squawk!!!" John was in a panic, he didn't even want to fish, let alone drown a bird. "Cut the line!" shouts another lad, thinking that, if you released the tension on the line, it would untangle the bird. Ping! And with that, the seagull drops below the surface, the splashing stops and all that is left is some bubbles and a rather confused seagull wondering where its mate has gone. John never fished again." (Dan dan dan) * CUB POO - "First ever Cub Scout camp as a 7 year old, holed up in a large tent with about 10 other kids. Middle of the night I needed to pee so bad so I crept out of the tent and headed down to the festival style portaloo only to find another of my fellow campers cowering in the confines of the loo holding his undies in one hand and completely covered in shit. And I really mean COVERED in shit. It was even on the walls. And the smell. Oh the smell just almost made me puke. We looked at each other and he said in a small quiet voice, "Help." Without a word, 7 year old me slowly closed the door and crept back to the tent and waited until morning, holding my almost bursting bladder. Never saw the shit-covered kid again." (technocore) >> This Week - Terrified! << What's the most scared you've ever been? How brown were your pants? Wimper here: http://b3ta.com/questions/terrified/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Horse / Cops / Horse penis << When N.W.A wrote 'Fuck tha Police' little did Eazy E know that 25 years later a horse would do just that. Some crazy muthafucka called Sugar Cube. (And Dr Neigh). http://bit.ly/HNYjec >> Satirical maps 1791-1899 << Peculiar old spoof maps - exciting to see an early appearance of Gordon Brown as 14th century Scotland... http://www.retronaut.co/2012/04/satirical-maps-179... >> Google maps the wind << Beautiful, hypnotic, but we were disappointed to learn that Chicago isn't really as windy as we were led to believe. http://hint.fm/wind >> Beards from below << Facial hair is extremely weird, as this site aims to prove, with extensive photographic evidence. Beardless ladies, don't feel left out - make your own website, with low-angle pictures of your pubes. http://beardsfrombelow.org >> Lovecraft/Pythonesque vintage animated gifs << Does what it says on the tin. Then the tin opens an awful, colossal eye and the universe collapses in darkness forwever. http://fluxmachine.tumblr.com/ >> Planes 'landing on the beach' << Someone built a major airport next to a beach, then put a photographer on that beach and the result is some spectacular picture-making. http://www.josefhoflehner.com/jetairliner.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Cyber Beadle presents 'You've Been Famed' * DALEK RELAXATION TAPE - Peter Serafinowicz does a lovely little gag here. BTW: Google 'Dalek Voice Tutorial' and download Audacity. That's your afternoon wasted making shitty dalek voices going, "BALLY HECK! WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dalek_Relaxation_Tape * SKATE 3 BUGS - watching 8 minutes of bugs in a computer game doesn't sound promising but it's the funniest thing we've seen this week. There's a whole scene of people recording amusing gaming bugs on YouTube - our other favourite is the Tiger Woods golfs on water like Jesus. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Skate_3_Lots_of_bugs * GWEN STEFANI'S SHIT - Adam Buxton goes topical with his take on Hollaback Girl. It's actually very amusing and frightening to think this song was from 8 years ago. Gwen is now the mum to Zuma Nesta Rock - which sounds like something thought up by the Microsoft marketing department but nope, it's the name of a real little boy that's utterly incompatible with Windows 95. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gwen_Stefanis_shit * FAMOUS MOVIE SCENES WITH CATS - bits of Hollywood mashed up with cats. Joyful. Jollywood in fact. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Famous_movie_scenes_with... * HITCHCOCK'S "REAR WINDOW" AS A TIME LAPSE - possibly the most extraordinary bit of editing you'll see for a bit. http://bit.ly/HrYDlt ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Triple nipple of rude nomenclature * ASA UPHOLDS COMPLAINT AGAINST SOFA KING - apparently taglines like "Where the Prices are Sofa King Low!" could "be interpreted as a derivative of the swear word 'fuck'" http://bit.ly/xqU4F8 * JEFF GAYLORD IN ZUBAZ PANTS - a double win here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Jeff_Gaylord_in_... * SAY IT OUT LOUD - Roladex writes, "Sorry to prolong the agony that is Funny Name Corner, but I felt this was too good not to mail in. Last name down is funny in the most childish way..." http://www.gplectures.co.uk/video/24/ ------------------------------------------------- : DAILY MAIL SECTION There's a Daily Mail section now? Good grief! * HOW THE DAILY MAIL CONQUERED ENGLAND - a long but interesting read from the New Yorker. Stick on your magic reading device via one of those 'read later' links. You'll thank us. http://nyr.kr/GJrldB * HOW TO STOP THE DAILY MAIL - our advice on using a DNS block to stop this shit entering your home or office. http://bit.ly/HhGOFL * OR IF YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW YOUR ENEMY - now that ItsyOtsy is dead the DailyVeil is a workable replacement. http://www.dailyveil.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 More B3tans doing great stuff >> I hate DLC << "Remember when you just bought a game and that was it?" moans Dan Bull, who hates downloadable content for computer games. It is indeed death by a thousand bee-stings. "The video features the wonderful Steven 'Boogie' Williams." http://bit.ly/I4C9qG >> Branches << "This video uses annotations to let you follow various branching plots," explains Weebl. Lots of cute gags hidden away - see if you can catch them all. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Branches >> Paper plane from the 18th floor << Sipowicz was bored and in a tower in Mumbai, so "I threw a paper plane - it goes quite far too." Starts off a little meh, but the midpoint twist is worth sticking around for. http://bit.ly/Hjz5DV ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Extreme Spots for Kids' Toys Challenge Results This week we're going to liven up the choices with facts cribbed from Wikipedia. Hey, it's like we're real journalists! * BAGPUSS FREE-FALL PARACHUTE JUMP - Professor Yaffle was based on the philosopher Bertrand Russell who once said: "No one can sit at the bedside of a dying child and still believe in God." (herman:D) http://b3ta.com/board/10731807 * PINOCCHIO WATER SKI - In the original version of Pinocchio the titular character doesn't become a real boy but is gruesomely hanged for his faults, the book being an allegory about social advancement. (mcmike) http://b3ta.com/board/10734525 * SMURF HOOPLA - "The Smurfs' community generally takes the form of a cooperative, sharing, and kind environment based on the principle that each Smurf has something he or she is good at, and thus contributes it to Smurf society as he or she can. In return, each Smurf appears to be given their necessities of life, from housing and clothes to food without using any money in exchange." Basically Smurfs are anarchists, in the proper political meaning of the word rather than the propagandist version. (chumpers's cat) http://b3ta.com/board/10730528 And the American right complain there's liberal bias in kids stories. Yes, because most fascists are busy being fascists and not writing kids books. All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/extreme/popular/ >> New challenge: Skeletons << This week's one-word challenge is Skeletons. Show us your calcium enriched structural goodness. Challenge suggested by Bourbon Fox. http://b3ta.com/challenge/Skeletons/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CASH CONVERTERS / CAT CONVERTERS PARODY LEGAL ROW - blimey this company sounds a bit humourless. http://b3ta.com/board/10730868 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PARANOID SCI-FI THRILLER OR GENUINELY MOOTED GOV POLICY QUIZ - Can you spot the difference between ideas in 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / The Minority Report and the current direction of most western government? * PEOPLE I GET CONFUSED QUIZ - which one is Mark Thomas and which one is Mark Steel? Which one is Naomi Klein and which one is Naomi Wolf? Which one is Spike Lee & which one is Spike Jonze? Basically we're saying people with similar jobs & same first names confuses the fuck out of us. Possibly you too. * CUNTDOWN - a version of Count Down where all the anagrams are swears. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Funholes: [email protected] Bumholes: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the wub @unluckydip, horace wimp, writebac, Zuowan, @mcala, szmytke, writebac, dirtyscarab, EnglandGav, Mehitabel_Itrang Extinct Jesus Dossier, TheTrampSurveyor, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, sinisterduck, Uncle Grumpy & mortonvillafarm. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Toptips via TownsendsPublisher. When our children ask, "what was the internet like when you were young dad?" Slow, we'll reply, but you didn't go to jail for lookcrime. Subjlols via Mushroom. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Give prisoners being transported the gift of hope by driving really erratically around prison vans. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive