we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "EVERYONE WHO READS THIS NEWSLETTER WILL DIE. PLEASE SHARE." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * HIPHOP - About shopping centres * SPAMBOT - Jon Ronson vs mecha-Jon Ronson * BUMTHING - Draw Something gone wrong ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Wool is the opium ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Tyres, Driving, Republicans and Cats >> Killer tyre attacks youths << "Shocking video," boasts maiden, who has cunningly reversed a viral vid currently doing the rounds. Bam! Right in the kisser! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Killer_tyre_attacks_yout... >> Savlonic : The Driver << "We've slaved over this," admits weebl, of the latest vid for his electropop project Savlonic. He really has pulled out all the stops for this - simply gorgeous. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Savlonic_The_Driver >> Republican Rap Battle << "This pretty much sums up each candidate's position in a couple of seconds," informs a public service-minded Dan Bull. "I wish all political discourse was conducted in rhyme format." We would vote Santorum based solely on this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Republican_Rap_Battle >> Monster cat vs shoe << "May I present to you 'Monster Cat Vs. Shoe'," enquires Cope&Dalton. "Or 'How We Wasted Last Weekend'" Daft, but we liked it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/MONSTER_CAT_VS_SHOE ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK My First Internets We wanted your first experiences of the internet. We got your first experiences of porn on the internet. Anybody would think that was all it was for: http://b3ta.com/questions/internethistory/ * HISTORY - "My Dad retired before computers became commonplace in offices and the whole 'internet' thing simply passed him by. A couple of years ago my sister and I decided to get the folks online. We purchased a half-decent PC and sorted a broadband connection. I sat my 75yr-old Dad down for the first time in front of a gleaming, empty Google page and explained how it all worked. 'So I just type what I'm interested in into this and the computer will give me all the information?' He asked incredulously. Yup. I replied. It's that simple. We started with his name. Fortunately it is an unusual name, so the results were few and surprisingly detailed. We found a family tree by a US relative, we spent ages on the census site, we looked for his old pals on friendsreunited and watched endless YouTube clips of 1950s motor racing (he loves that stuff). A couple of weeks later, I popped in to say hi - but Dad was on the golf course. So I peeked into his study, the PC was on and the BBC weather page was flickering on the screen. Great, I thought, he's really getting into this, checking the Beeb for the forecast before playing a round. I wonder what else he's been up to... So I checked out his history. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I have no father." (Albert Marshmallow) * FAVOURITES - "I was about 12-13. We had recently got the internet at home so when I was alone I obviously went looking for porn. I found a few images and decided to save them on the computer. "I'll keep them well hidden," I said to myself, "in some obscure hidden folder where no-one will find them." Where did I end up putting them? Only the fucking startup folder so they all popped up next time someone turned the computer on." (styler_moses) * SEARCH - "Not mine, but the art director I worked with needed a specific type of New York street scene for an ad he was creating, and decided he'd try looking outside commercial image libraries. He suddenly started saying "Oh... No... Oh God no... Make it stop... Cannot unsee..." etc etc. And then a short pause before he announced, "Never do an image search for steaming manholes." (prince-igor) >> This Week - The Great Outdoors << Camping! Hiking! Other stuff that's not indoors! Regale us with your tales of the great outdoors, whether it involves being rogered by the Scout Master or skinning your first rabbit: http://b3ta.com/questions/thegreatoutdoors/ ------------------------------------------------- : FOOL'S GOLD (sponsored link) Win £250's of T-Shirts via ShotDeadInTheHead ShotDeadInTheHead spend their lives thinking up silly ideas, so April Fools’ Day is a pretty big deal for them. This year to celebrate they are giving away £250 worth of very cool stuff. To win all the Fool’s Gold bounty just hit the link below and tell them the funniest practical joke you have witnessed. http://on.fb.me/H1Ew9W Or just go here and buy funny t-shirts and other random bits and pieces... http://www.shotdeadinthehead.com ------------------------------------------------- If you like to make a statement, then finish it with "Simples!" please unsubscribe from this newsletter. You are not welcome here. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Gif couture << No longer the exclusive preserve of the nerdy and outcast, the humble gif is now toast of the glitzy fashion houses. In other news, these animated layouts of fashion campaigns are amazing and mad. http://t.co/C4QT8ldH >> Hah! Gaaaaay! << A witless catcall from the back of the class, at just the touch of a button. This modern life of ours, so full of wonder and convenience. http://hahgay.com/ >> Tweety toilet roll << Print your Twitter feed onto bog paper, to properly indulge your hatred of your wretched, socially mediatized existence. http://www.getshitter.com/ >> "My real mother is an alien" << Recently-elected politician failed to mention his personal beliefs until safely after voting ended. "I get more common sense out of the aliens than out of Scarborough Town Hall," he says. How odd - perhaps he's making some oblique point about being religious. Or perhaps not. http://t.co/hPskalID >> Worst of Draw Something << Draw Bumthing: The very definition of 'quick and dirty'. http://drawbumthing.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO What do you get if you cross a TV with the web? Transvestite spiders. >> Bulgarian 'Married With Children' << The popular 80s TV comedy has been remade in Bulgaria and it's like a bad cover version - quite compelling if you're familiar with the original. Other remakes include an Argentine version 'Casados Con Hijos' and one in Hungry, "A gruesomely decent family in Budapest". http://bit.ly/H3pRtK >> Come to the Pentagon Shopping Centre << Few adverts are as ill-judged and sinister as this. Everything about it that could be wrong is wrong - wonderful stuff, and we very much hope it's real and not some hipster nonsense. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Jon Ronson vs Jon Ronson Spambot << Journalist Ronson is a popular chap on Twitter, so popular that someone set up a fake Ronson account tweeting nonsense. Ronson goes to meet them and they're much weirder than you'd expect. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jon_Ronson_vs_His_Spambo... >> Women's gym machines from the 1940s << The one at the start is wanking them like they're huge, 5'6" lady-penises. Hmm, might have to go for a bit of a lie down. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Womens_gym_exercises_fro... >> "Freestyler" parody on Russian television. << Unsure if this is a sketch or an actual bit of a Russian show like Moscow's Got Talent but it's pretty entertaining either way. BTW: The name Bomfunk MC is a radio-safe version of their original name The Bumfuck MCs. http://bit.ly/Hp845F >> Painting a room - death metal style << Boys being idiots but amusing idiots. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Painting_a_room_death_me... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Epic Sax Game More 8-bit lols in this Guitar Hero style midi sax game. Bleepingly good. http://www.pippinbarr.com/games/epicsaxgame/EpicSa... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Trademarks Challenge Last week we wanted you to mess with copyright. Your favourites included: * ANGRY: searing political satire in frank, state-of-the-nation Photoshop strip (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10728009 * CLEVER: GOP logo re-branding exercise leads to subliminal Nazi propaganda (Brian O'Blivion) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10724662 * BUNNY: children's favourite finds gainful employment in sex industry (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10724454 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trademarks/ >> New challenge: Extreme Toys << This week's challenge is take kid's toys, introduce them to the world of extreme sports, and picture them partaking in such events. It's entirely gnarly. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extreme/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SCRAMBLED EDD RIP - "Don't know if you've heard", writes Happy Toast, "but Edd Gould (Edds World) died on Sunday, at the very least can you put a thing in the newsletter." http://b3ta.com/links/771349 * LONDON B3TA ART AUCTION - HappyToast again writes, "The 2012 London B3ta Bash online art auction starts next Monday! Look at what's up for grabs here." http://b3ta.com/links/749374" * I SPOTTED HEATHER MILLS - SauronWibble writes, "In regards to the Rock'n'roll tedium post in last week's newsletter: I just wanted to add that the closest I've ever been to a Beatle was seeing Heather Mills limp onto a train I was on, she got on (cue a few women actually yelling as if she was a 'celeb'), then she disappeared into the toilet. 10 minutes later she emerges to a flash of iPhones and delirious squeaking, gets her laptop out and turns it away from me and glares as if I was trying to look at it (I wasn't). Turns out she wasn't dodging a ticket, the whole carriage started to smell like her big poo. Shit stinks Heather, your shit stinks." * PSYCHOPATHIC EMAIL OF THE WEEK THAT HAS UTTERLY NO CONTEXT - dussiper writes, "Wes. I see you're up to your usual crap, not letting people win. Why don't you just disappear from the earth you assho(*&(*^&. You don't know the first thing about doing business in tha USA........" * CATS4GOLD REDUX - Cats4Gold writes, "Cat Converters launches new website for cash-strapped cat owners..." We're highly impressed that they've managed to wrest the web domain from the grasp of the powerful Catalytic Converter cartel... http://www.catconverters.com ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * TWITTER THEORY - Who you follow: what you want to be. Who follows you: what you actually are. Can anyone test this? * SPIN DICTIONARY - Turns out that "Britain is open for business" was code for "fire sale of publicly-owned assets." We need a dictionary of this stuff. * INTERNATIONAL HOLE COMPETITION - dig a hole, keep digging, who can dig the furthest? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Chumbags : [email protected] Scumbags : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @pieceoplastic, @DAGaston, @davebirss, @cr3, @pablo100, @codepo8, @hollybrocks, Lee Nolan, Hardfarter, Stashie, sinisterduck. Top tip via Theophilous Thunderwulf. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Trying to help someone who's choking on an ice cube? Simply pour boiling water down their throat. Problem solved. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive