we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER MINIMUM CHARGE LAW SHOCK: 40P PER KITTEN UNIT" next issue » « previous issue "NEWSLETTER MINIMUM CHARGE LAW SHOCK: 40P PER KITTEN UNIT" This Week: * DOORS! - How fucking good are they? * 8BIT GAMING - Probably shit but fun to look at * MATTRESSES - Celebrity lookalikes ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the ___/ _ |/_ > Doors doors doors << "Hi, I am Mike Fordham," writes Mike Fordham. "I make the music videos with Kunt & the Gang and I've just made a new vid with singer/songwriter/comedian/curly-haired Elliot Mason for a track called 'Doors'." Needless to say, we... a-door it. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Happy-Go-Lucky Johnny << "We came up with an idea that we couldn't do in live action," informs Ornsack. "So we ended up making our first ever 2D animated short! NSFW due to k00l swear words and RAD graphic violence." Johnny, the happy-go-lucky knife. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Happy_Go_Lucky_Johnny >> Autoglass chip << "I've been playing around with Gavin," confesses kfk, about what is possibly some sort of Autoglass viral but is definitely a dad-worthy groaner of a gag. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Autoglass >> Clothes Shopping << "My take on fashion, yeah?" Sheep always marches to the beat of his own drum. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clothes_Shopping >> Chainsaw Babe << "Here's my latest piece of clay," growls a blood-spattered Lee Hardcastle. This chunky lump of stop-motion ultraviolence actually turned our stomachs, which can only a good thing. The one thing Lee has held back on is nudity, in an attempt to chase that SFW certificate. But, "if you want to see clay tits & minge then for $1.99 it is yours." http://www.b3ta.com/links/CHAINSAW_BABE ------------------------------------------------- : JACKPOT PARTY (sponsored link) Fruit Machines have just got "social" You've played fruit machines - they normally spin round with a load of silly bells and lemons and stuff that means jack shit to no one. So imagine if instead it was your friend's faces from Facebook spinning around whilst you tried to match Likes, Locations, Star Signs etc with them? And you could find out what sordid things you both like at the end? And it was free? You'd want to play some of that now, wouldn't you? http://JackpotParty.com/FriendSlot ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Training Courses Your QOTW editor once had to train an England Rugby player to use a computer. I'll never forget the look of glazed panic in his eyes: http://b3ta.com/questions/trainingcourses/ * PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS - "Forget 'Buzzword bingo' - some colleagues and I play 'Personal space invaders' When there's the obligatory socialising/getting to know fellow attendees bollocks try this: Pick a target or goal (a doorway, particular table or whatever) Each player must then pick a fellow attendee to use as a 'puck'. You then engage your puck in conversation whilst subtly invading their personal space in order to manoeuvre them into the goal. This is harder than it sounds, but the real skill is to keep up a conversation despite their discomfort. Once the goal is reached the winning player must pull their top over their face and run around waving their arms and yelling 'GOOOOOALL' in a Brazilian commentator styleee. The most difficult pucks in my experience have been women and gay men who think I'm coming on to them. I have, *ahem*, been propositioned by more than one lady whilst playing, though..." (Captain Placid) * FOAM - "I was selected for a leadership course in the RAF: a series of retarded team-building exercises. One involved placing a large number of small foam cylinders on the classroom floor and guiding a blindfolded team-mate through this foamy minefield. Because, obviously, matters of national security require the same leadership qualities as the Crystal Maze. The instructor, a naturally boring man with a small, untidy moustache and a savage overbite, left the room with the people who were to be blindfolded. Whereupon I put my leadership skills to work: I outlined my proposed pattern, considered advice from my fellow cylinder plonkers and set my team to work. After five minutes or so, the instructor returned to six giggling adults and a crudely drawn foam penis, complete with scrotum, spanning the entire length of his particularly large classroom." (Chocolate Hostage) * LATE - "About 90 of us, packed in to an auditorium. About 25 mins into a session about fire drills, a door opened and someone walked in, obviously late, panting, clasping a few documents. Everyone is aware of him as he stands at the front, looking up to find a seat. He notices a seat right in the middle. "Excuse me," he says to the man on the end of the row to let him past. Everyone is aware of him, he is making lots of noise. People have to stand up to let him past. "Excuse me... pardon... sorry... excuse me..." People are having to gather their things so they can stand up to let him past. Finally, he reaches his seat, takes his coat off and sits down as, to the second, the video comes to an end, and everyone gets up and leaves." (Dan dan dan) >> This Week - My First Internets << Do you remember having to send email by knitting individual zeroes and ones from your own beard hairs? Tell us of your first internet experiences: http://b3ta.com/questions/internethistory/ ------------------------------------------------- : CAPITAL BY JOHN LANCHESTER BOOK WINNERS Compo give-away results from last week Last week we asked you what would your life be like in 10 years? Signed books winging their way to Fr_Jerry_Mcwler, FBman, joefishEnzyme & monkeon. If you want to know what JOHN LANCHESTER thinks your life will be like in 10 years then sign up to the Pepys Rd site. You'll get 1 email a day for 10 days predicting 2002, 2003 etc. One lovely detail we found fascinating is that it shows you whether you've come up in the world or sunk via your postcode related to average house price. http://www.pepysrd.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> East Berlin's dinosaur graveyard << Moody pics of an abandoned former Communist amusement park. We could not get tired of looking at those dinosaurs, slowly falling to pieces and tipped on their backs by German drunks. http://bit.ly/wCcgAp >> Sir Ian Bowler's £10 manifesto << As "the only openly corrupt politician" in the mayoral race, Sir Ian is offering the public a chance to dictate his manifesto pledges in return for a donation to his election campaign. It's already become a rather baroque read. http://ebowler.co.uk/about/ >> How to program your 808 drum machine << Starkly beautiful posters, showing you how to reproduce classic pieces of electronic drum wizardry. http://www.robricketts.co.uk/808.html >> Star Trek 90s fashion << Super-nerdy analysis of Star Trek: The Next Generation from a fashion perspective. That show really has seen some fashion crimes. Which are currently being worn around Dalston, ofc. http://sttngfashion.tumblr.com/ >> Celebs who look like mattresses << Inspired bit of observation from London's capital of abandoned bedding. http://on.fb.me/Gzwm8T >> The Free Universal Construction Kit << Want to build something out of half-Lego and half-K'nex? Well now you can! Genuinely and amazing thing - a set of adaptors that turn all of your children's 'build stuff' toys into one, giant construction set. http://fffff.at/free-universal-construction-kit/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TAN BOOKS AND MUSIC Available via Amazon loaddowns Now that product means downloads, e-books and MP3s rather than having to ship a load of paper and plastic back from China there's been a creative explosion in B3tans making stuff for sale. Three of the best this week: * HOW TO HAVE CREATIVE IDEAS - Dave Birss has written a book about how to brainstorm. It's short and readable and its main point is that you need to bash rocks together and see what comes up. Eg. if you're stuck, imagine how would Sarah Silvermann solve it? What would Bono do? Our favourite trick is going for a walk and looking at everything we see, be it advertising or people's shoes. The random stimulus always helps us. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00769KB5... * DAN BULL'S NEW ALBUM - Dan AKA B3tan Housewife is seldom out of our newsletter with his rapping ways. His album is brilliant and we'd advise you to buy the MP3 version as he's only made 1 copy of the CD flogging that for £1 million. He should sell two copies, then he's make £2 million - the silly eeejit. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006GYFQB... * A BOOK FOR PRETEENS - DFLamont has written a "fun adventure for kids aged 8-13". It's dirt cheap too - £1.53 - worth a punt for your kindle-owning children. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0078OR89... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Philo Farnsworth 2.0 is watching YOU! >> Vortex Cannon << Step 1: Cut a hole in a box. Step 2: Put some smoke in the box. You just made yourself a full-on Vortex Cannon! Obliterate your foes! *If your foes are plastic cups. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "London's tempo is 122.86bpm" << Talking Heads frontman David Byrne wanders round London with a tape recorder, producing a vid that resembles a cockney The Shining. We love this idea - hope it inspires Kunt to go out recording tramps swearing, drunks pissing etc. http://bit.ly/GHXP7z >> Geometric Porn App Preview << Sadly, the Geometric Porn app has been rejected by the stuffed shirts at Apple, who are too aroused by tumescent pink squares, circles and well-endowed rectangles. http://vimeo.com/38240759 >> Controlled Quantum Wipe'Out Track << Was it only last year we were all excited about controlled quantum levitation? Now here's the first real world application - making classic race game Wipe'Out in real life. Well, it's models but it might as well be real life. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Celebrities read tweets about themselves << Ever wonder if that Tweet you sent really wounded Will Ferrell? All is revealed. http://youtu.be/RRBoPveyETc >> Three-Way: The Golden Rule << Another Lonely Island/Timberlake R&B team-up. There's simply nothing gay about two male friends sharing the same girl. Also starring Lady Gaga. http://youtu.be/Pi7gwX7rjOw ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Redefining "funny" as "shit" since 1973 * GAYLORD SILLY - French-Seychellois long distance runner, so don't think you can make fun of him and run off, he'll catch you. And shout at you in French. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaylord_Silly * DICKSON POON SCHOOL OF LAW - so know you know what lawyers who've just had a tax cut will be spending their money on. http://www.kcl.ac.uk/law/index.aspx * DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK - mysticegg writes, " Domain name is brutally honest, but all is not as it seems!" http://www.feeduscrap.com ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME 8bit Mad Men 8-bit has become shorthand for old-fashioned computer games - whereas, to our eyes, this is closest to the Sierra On-Line stuff like Leisure Suit Larry and Space Quest, which we remember playing on a distinctly more than 8-bit EGA PC. Anyway - loving work despite our pedantry. http://bit.ly/GIkioo ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH REDUX Last week's no-show gerbils at last! Vampyre_gem writes, "Oh dear, what a dickhead I am. I sent in a link (well, tried to) with some shots of our 'disabled' gerbil (as you so eloquently put it). I really hope that the shots don't disappoint anyone now." http://www.fotoblur.com/images/380269 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Beasts Of War Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the Beasts of War. Your favourites included: * DENCH: Bond thwarts the Russians armed with no more than a Walther PPK and a non-arthropod invertebrate (Ian Woosnam) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10719861 * HOMEBASE: DIY pigeons, attack attack attack (Ian Woosnam, again) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10718945 * EXPLOSION: terrifyingly armoured elephant takes on the enemy (smearballs) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10721747 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/warbeasts/ >> New challenge: Trademarks << Hollywood bigwigs are making The Hobbit pub in Southampton change its name, in case people think Peter Jackson is running it. So this week's challenge is to infringe a trademark satirically, through the medium of photoshop. Challenge suggested by benito vaselini http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trademarks/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY EMAIL OF THE WEEK - nickbeddows writes, "I got a leaflet through the door yesterday, with a photo of a cat on it. The flyer said, 'Help, I'm Sophie and I may be trapped in your garage or outbuilding. Please check and call Margaret on 07770 xxx xxx if you see me' Awww, a poor lil puddy tat... Then I thought, hang on, if it can read, write, type, has a PA, a mobile phone and can operate a colour printer, it can find its own way out of a bloody garage." * I'VE MET MR MINGE! - Anon writes, "Now, working in the oil and gas industry for nearly 20 years I've actually met Mr Minge. He pronounces his surname as Min-Jay rather than the normal minge. A few years ago he was appointed as the big boss man of a certain business unit in the north sea for BP. On an offshore visit to one of the installations he wanted to enter a confined space work area to see what was going on. I won't bore you with the details of the near-Naziesque safety regime offshore but one of the requirements for this is to register your entry into the space with a sentry. This day the sentry was one of your salt of the earth North east/south shields tells it like he sees it guys. So, the big boss, surrounded by a nervous bunch of management and hangers on gives his name. Spell it, says the sentry. M-I-N-G-E says the boss. 'What!' says the sentry, 'Fucking Minge? You're fucking joking ain't ye?' Cue red faces amongst the management and complete bewilderment from the man. Mind you, this is also a guy who, when first being appointed as the manager of the unit, introduced himself to the assembled masses by saying, and I quote, 'as I was saying to my mother whilst in the hot tub the other day...'" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MAKE A QR CODE - that links to Goatse - print it on a sticker - then stick it on every advert poster in the world. * FACEBOOK EGOMANIA - A browser app that replaces every FB post with "LOOK AT ME!" Font size determined by frequency of posts. (via @Sigmaus) * TOAST THAT STAYS HOT - all the way to the bottom of the cup. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Cyber chums: [email protected] Utter cunts: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Matt_Muir, will.vickers, @shitoptimist, @edwardrussia, @Lee_Nolan, Pauljmoorhouse, billyh, @fredgruff, @TomWhitwell, @thesaharadesert, Palookaville. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Tips via robneymcplum. Subjlols via ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Scare people by buying a few bunches of cheap flowers, leaving them near a tree on a popular country path with cards saying 'I hope they catch the THING that did this to you' and '4eva in are hartz' etc... next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive