we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE PERFECT REPLACEMENT FOR YOUR OLD SLETTER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SLOTH - Baby beast in cute PJs * GREED - Your meatcake recipes * SPIDERS - Horrible anim by Cyriak ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "What did you do in the ___/ _ |/_ > Total Biscuit of the Heart << "I genuinely can't think of any way to introduce this," confesses mattlees. "So I'll just drop the link." If you though sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, prepare yourself for this team's heroic efforts to push the envelope. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cobwebs << "Here's a new video I made for some TV company," proclaims high-class animator Cyriak. "Enjoy (unless you are arachnophobic)." Seriously, probably do not watch if animated spiders make you feel a bit iffy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cobwebs >> How to Think For Yourself << @Skeptobot has made a website, with all the guidance you could ever need. http://howtothinkforyourself.co.uk/ >> The Countdown Thing << "I got carried away with this," allows Faceburger. John Carpenter body horror runs riot on a daytime quiz show in legoland. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Countdown_Thing >> HappyToast retrospective << "Every single moment is complete glasscock," he brags, inexplicably to anyone who doesn't frequent the board. What you've got here is an extended gag reel of surreal hi jinks. http://bit.ly/Aqez0V >> OBEY DOG << "Here's a video (as in VHS) game in the Atmosfear tradition," writes Dave Wallop. "Word on the street is it's already gaining a reputation as Ray Winstone's third best film." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : TRUFFLE SHUFFLE T-SHIRT COMPO Five DJ Vader shirts to win Truffle Shuffle have given us some lovely t-shirts for you, yes you dear lucky reader. The shirts are fab - explore your dark side with DJ Darth Vader. Five available for the best replies to the tiebreaker (50 words or less), "If I met George Lucas I'd like to...." http://b3ta.com/board/10713616 Or take a Luke at the shirts and buy one directly. http://bit.ly/rWMefg ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK First World Problems We asked for examples of shudderingly short sighted self-pity. There's a whole world of whiny here: http://b3ta.com/questions/firstworldproblems/ * NO EXCUSES - "A few years back, where I used to work, a self-obsessed harridan named Ruth had organised a party to celebrate her pending engagement to a wealthy, nice-but-dim chap. Attendance was mandatory. The soirée was scheduled for a Saturday. On Thursday, we received the grave news that a well-liked member of our team had suffered a miscarriage. All of us were understandably upset and sympathetic. With one exception... 'I suppose she won't be coming to my party then,' Ruth whined. As we stood there open-mouthed, she continued, 'Why do these things always happen to meeee?'" (Mr Twisty Cheeky) * EMPATHY - "Returning to work after becoming a father for the first time, a colleague asked the usual question, "So, how do you feel now you're a parent?" I replied that the hardest thing to get used to was the knowledge that, no matter how hard you try to protect your offspring, something bad could still happen to them. You just had to live with that fear. She thought for a moment, then said "Yes, I suppose it's like having a white carpet, isn't it?" Probably best if she waits a while before having her own, I reckon." (moon monkey) * IT'S THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND - "I learned a few basic commands in Filipino so I could communicate with our maid, and it turns out she's Malaysian." (UHMUHRAKA!) >> This Week - Lies Gone On Too Long << Telling a lie often means telling another and another, spiralling out of control until not a word of truth passes your lips. Tell us how bad it's got. The more innocent your first fib, the better: http://b3ta.com/questions/liesthatwentontoolong/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Don Glut's Dino-sluts << Don Glut knows that only 50% of people like looking at pictures of giant reptiles so, to promote his dino-museum to the other 50%, here's a gallery of women in the process of regretting answering a modelling ad on craigslist. Wonderful. http://donglutsdinosaurs.com/exhibits-1/ >> Anus detection software << What's the first application that springs to mind, after developing your Physical Linguistic Image Understanding Engine? That's right, this computer can now identify male and female assholes from any orientation. NSFW, in the sense that this is blurry porn. http://bit.ly/qB7UeU >> Super Morrissey Brothers << 8-bit cover of 'This Charming Man' mashes up two 80s gay icons who've seen better days. Sings, "Hang Luigi hang Luigi hang Luigi hang Luigi, HANG LUIGI!" http://bit.ly/xXCw3g >> The Scale of the Universe << Nerdishly fascinating scroll through incomprehensibly vast and tiny things. We learned quite a lot about nebulae. http://htwins.net/scale2/scale2.swf >> Amazing Communist ruin << Derelict Bulgarian building looks like evidence we were visited by gigantic, socialist aliens. http://bit.ly/yBoGlG >> Vintage cats & dogs dressed as people << From the days before all your new-fangled Myspaces and AOLs, lolcats the way grandma used to make them. http://bzfd.it/xJM2bC ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It'll never catch on this web video stuff >> Fresh guacamole << Amazing visual punnery galore, in this 'how to make guacamole' recipe by Pes. http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Pes_animation_as_wel... >> Ludwig Van Butt-hoven << Lovely lady gives a fascinating (and NSFW) interpretive dance to Beethoven's Fifth. Not sure we'd like to see her rendition of the 1812 Overture. Anyway, what we're trying to say is Happy International Women's Day, darling. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ludwig_Van_Butt_hoven_NS... >> I'm On a Muthafuckin' Bike << Commuter rage in musical form. Make way for the homo superior. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Rick Santorum song << Rationalwiki.org states, "Poe's Law is an axiom suggesting that it's difficult, if not impossible, to distinguish between parodies of religious or other fundamentalism and its genuine proponents." But who cares? When the lyrics are as amusingly shit as, "There's hope for our nation again, maybe for the first time since Ronald Reagan," surely we're all singing along? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Song_for_Rick_Santorum >> Banksy on Advertising (a short film) << We live in world dominated by advertising. It's easy to forget what a weird thing that is. Banksy has stuff to say which we should all listen to. http://b3ta.com/links/Banksy_on_Advertising_a_shor... >> Dollar Shave Club.com video << The shaving industry basically invented the shittier end of modern capitalism: make a product that you have to keep buying over and over again. Odd really that Mr Gillette himself, King Camp Gillette, was a Utopian Socialist who wanted to turn the USA into a giant Metropolis powered by Niagara Falls. Anyway, here's an amusing video from someone trying to change the razor market. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dollar_Shave_Club_com_Vi... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAMES Imagination time We think you've been playing too many games. Christ, you've started pissing yourself on the sofa! So games are banned until further notice until you can control your addiction. To amuse yourself we'd like to suggest you use your imagination to play some games in your head. Here's some ideas to start you off: * TV game show idea: "I'm Still Standing" Punters bet on how long Elton John can stand up for. Winner gets a 10% net of bets. We get 90%. * Flash game idea: "The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side." Two pics of grass. Click the greener one. Theme tune by Nik Kershaw. * Postman simulator: How fast can you deliver "Sorry you were out" notes before you nip back to HQ for a fag? ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON SHAMAZON Yay! It's the Amazin' Amazon Error of the Week! If this is what little boys grow up to become then we're looking forward to the Tory party allowing us to get gay-married. Mouse over the sizes from left to right. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0009NW89... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Inject us with AIDS, what fresh hell is this? * EYE DOCTOR LOLS - Flapjack writes, "I'm a Brit living in Holland. Here's one for your silly name corner, a Dutch ophthalmologist called Dr I. C. Notting. She's number five on this list." http://bit.ly/DUHej * THESE GUYS OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT THE ATTENTION Still, it must be depressing working there, hearing people crack the same joke day in day out when they call up. http://www.happyfinish.co.uk/ * POLICEMAN WHO COULDN"T DO ANOTHER JOB - essexjan writes, "I was watching 'Cops' tonight when a policeman with the best name ever came on. I had to rewind and take a photo of the caption." http://i.imgur.com/ZfePF.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Dogs + Sloths * BABY SLOTH WITH MANGE - doesn't sound cute, does it? But once they shave off his fur and give him little pyjamas our hearts nearly exploded with joy. http://bit.ly/AF727G * BOXER DOG SLIDES DOWN STAIRS - it seems wrong that we all casually eat dog meat bought in Tesco like it's just cheese or something - dogs are people too, you know. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Is_this_common_for_dogs ------------------------------------------------- : THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK Our minds wander / wonder * Wouldn't it be great if Time Out magazine was just page after page of toddlers on the naughty step? * Does female beef taste different to male beef? What about sheep? Chickens? * It would be nice if the FT followed The Sun's lead with their Beat The Cheat campaign - what about one for dobbing in corporate fraud? ------------------------------------------------- : COOKERY - OUR FLOUR POWER HOUR Meat cake special Lots of you like cooking cakes with meat it seems - here's two of your very best: * BACON CAKE - joe.aule writes, "Whilst at university, a friend of mine had a tradition of making me a birthday cake each year, as it usually fell on an end-of-exam celebration BBQ. So was born: The Bacon Cake. "As best I remember, the ingredients were: chocolate, broken digestive biscuits, butter, cherries & bacon, All melted down, mixed up, then left to set. The cake is then iced in melted chocolate and crispy bacon. It tastes amazing." http://imgur.com/O3kUO * DOG'S DINNER - Speshal writes, "My friend Faye made her dog Gary Robot Legs a meatcake just the other day containing minced beef, Pedigree Chum and cream cheese icing. I'm sure you could leave out the Chum if you wanted to." http://bit.ly/wlBYVx ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Bowdlerisation Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards. Your favourites included: * CRUDE: filth, reconstructed as fluffy, inoffensive, family entertainment. (Drunken Mademoiselle Heau) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706445 * GRUMBLE: popular free video service receives the Carry On treatment. (The Silent Channel) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706377 * BLEEP: unbeknownst to most Star Wars fans, that little droid originally had a right filthy mouth. (Clay) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706650 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bowdlerisation/ >> New challenge: Hedgehogs! << There are 17 species of hedgehog, more than enough to warrant its selection as the subject of this week's one-word image challenge: HEDGEHOGS! http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hedgehogs/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CLUB FOOT CHARITY - Araucaria writes, "I don't know how far from the norm sending you a link for charidee fund-raising goes but here it is. I'm running the London marathon this year to help the charity that helped my son, who was born with a club foot. He's now doing very well and it's my turn for some pain to give back to the kind folks who gave us help to fix him. Any donation is welcome, large or larger." http://www.justgiving.com/Richard-Midwinter * BLESSED T-SHIRTS - we ran a compo the other week to win some shirts; amused that some of the winners posted their ill-gotten gains on the board: http://b3ta.com/board/10711537 * MORE EMAILS FROM PSYCHOPATHS - Chris writes, "Always keep some LySergic acid Diethylamide near the teabags, because Jehovah's Witnesses always like a cup of tea and they always like to talk. Video the carnage :-)" DO NOT DO THIS. * IN DEFENCE OF QR CODES, SHUT UP YOU HATERS RobNob writes, "At the university I work we have put QR codes on the doors of all the teaching rooms so that, when you scan them on a mobile (using the free wi-fi network), a timetable for the room pops up. Students and staff can check if they are in the right place/use the room if it's free. It saves them having to type in the room code and URL or finding a free PC to do it. Other unis have spent thousands putting up screens and stuff and all we had to buy was a laminator." * NICK GRIFFIN TUNES - some of you may have watched the C4 doc this week (probably still available on 4OD) and the more eagle-eyed might have seen the old-school b3ta titles done by your very own Ginger Fuhrer. Also he wrote a theme tune (the Oi! Oi! Oi! jingle) and there's a longer mix here complete with glam rock guitars. http://soundcloud.com/robmanuel/nick-griffin ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MEND TWITTER - Write a filter for Twitter that removes paywall links so we don't get irritated by casually clicking an article but not being able to read it. * NEW SURNAMES - Surnames often come from outdated jobs. Cooper, Smith etc. Let's get new ones. Tom Callcentre. Pat Shelfstacker. Bob OutsourceAndAssetstrip * TELETEXT GAMES - fatboyginge writes, "We all liked the classic Bamboozle quiz on teletext, and there are some knock-offs, but there isn't a quiz that both punishes you when you get a question wrong by making you start again and, when you crack the code and teletext is running slow, allows you to change your answer to the correct one! Begging for a flash game!" Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Chums: [email protected] Bastards: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- The holographic Steve Jobs turned the iPad off. "You can turn it off?" I said. "Yes", replied Steve, "The inner party have that privilege." ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSOR B3TA We want your advertising money Seeing as you've read this far down the newsletter then yay you! You're OUR kind of reader. However, putting the newsletter together is both time and effort - and we can justify this folly to our families by getting the odd sponsored link. So if you're sitting on some kind of cash mountain that's meant to be spent on promotion then please consider a few crumbs for us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Stashie, mutated monty, @mintimperial, Arktic, scoppied, rootsxrocks, JBrough, @annefgreaves, taters, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Nostrebor & firebirdmetals. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Top tip via robneymcplum. Subjlols via Drunken Mademoiselle Heau. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Amuse yourself in doctors' or dentists' waiting rooms by filling in all the People's Friend and Take a Break magazine crosswords just with the word 'death' spelled really badly. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive