we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "GRAMSCI'S THEORY OF HEGEMONY - THIS IS MY JAM" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CATS - Being played like drums * GUNS - How the telly people fib * MAYOR - Vote Sir Ian Bowler ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy Birthday Dave ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Jesus wept! loads of stuff. Stop it! >> "Thank-you, Murdoch!" << "The Sun on Sunday!" croons timoncheese. "Or The Sun, now published on Sunday. Whatever. I made a song on its launch date to celebrate/hate seven days of boobs!" Well, who can't get behind boobs? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cute animated robot << "Hey Magic Donkey," randomly insults Josephwbear. "My friend Ian made this video for my band!" A large reason we enjoyed this so much is the continuous production notes that pop up and explain how he did stuff. http://bit.ly/zP0i9H >> Hoxton Zoo << "I'd like to welcome you to a brand new concept in animal curation," writes Kevin James. "You've heard of pop-up bars, pop-up cinemas, and pop-up restaurants: now we're proud to present the world's first pop-up zoo, located in the heart of ultra-cool East London." Hoxton's truly got it all. http://www.hoxtonzoo.com >> 'London's 66,000 Guns' << "After being inspired by your very own Tom Scott, I did a talk at Ignite London," beams michaelwstory. "I bit the hand that feeds me and dished dirt on my sometime employers in the world of TV documentaries." Fascinating 5-minute glimpse into the way we're sold on urban violence. http://michaelwstory.com/talk/ >> Sarah Palin remixed << "Just finished this," sighs smearballs. "And, yes that's my ass in ladies' panties at the end. My mother is proud." FEAR. http://bit.ly/whJZcc >> Sir Ian Bowler for London Mayor << Tory caricature Sir Ian has announced his candidacy for London Mayor, where he'll be running against Tory caricature Boris Johnson. "Thanks to Bloggerheads, Beau Bo D'Or and all the others who've lent a hand," writes alter-ego Natt. "Oh, and if anyone wants to sign his nomination papers, leave your name & borough in the comment or email me." http://bit.ly/zPzcgV >> Postcards Then & Now << "The basic premise is old photographic postcards from 100 years ago compared to the same view today as shown on Google Street View," explains santadog99. http://postcardsthenandnow.blogspot.com/ >> Wandering cameras << "Back in the summer of 2010 me and a friend left a disposable camera in the middle of Covent Garden," explains mrjamiemalcolm. "It was labeled with instructions to take a photo, relocate and leave behind for the next person. 43 days and 300 miles later it returned." Google Map and pictures here: http://g.co/maps/ktaa7 "We are multiplying the idea by 10 on March 10th, so check it out here:" http://www.cameraobscuraproject.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Corporate Idiocy Last week we asked for examples of what happens when companies turn out to be run by people. Stupid people: http://b3ta.com/questions/corporateidiocy/ * RULES IS RULES - "As a fully-paid up member of the Asthmatical Society of Britain, every 6 months or so I have to see an 'Asthma Nurse' to have a 10-second chat about my inhaler and confirm that I am still alive. The surgery is about 10 doors down from where I used to work, so I popped in one lunchtime to arrange an appointment. I was informed that they were only arranging appointments over the phone so that people wouldn't have to come into the surgery in the middle of a flu epidemic. Standing at the reception in the middle of the surgery, I asked if maybe it would be easier to do it then and there. Nope, rules are rules. If I wanted to make an appointment I'd have to do it over the phone. I got my mobile out to be told that all such devices should be switched off upon entering the building. So I went outside and made an appointment over the phone with a receptionist I could see through the window about eight feet away. I was then invited back into the building to pick up an appointment card, lest I forget the time, day, or even address of the building. She at no point in all of this gave any sign that she thought this entire endeavour completely ridiculous." (Guntfuggle Quackblast) * NUDERY - "I used to work with a very pretty and curvaceous young woman. I mention her appearance not to bring out the sweaty-palmed amongst you, but because it is relevant to the tale. Like many companies, it gradually changed from a funky dotcom startup into something more corporate. One day, one of the suits decided that we needed a weekly Management Report, summarising progress in our department of hairy IT geeks and snarling sysadmins. And it fell to the gorgeous hero of our tale to write this report, and submit it each week. After several weeks, she started to wonder if anybody was actually reading it. So that week's report contained the now legendary entry, somewhere near the back: '"Naked Wednesday" was a big success. I've been asked to organise another very soon.' Despite being leering, boorish letches to a man, not one of the management team commented on this. After that, she didn't put much effort into the report." (moon monkey) * HATE - "Years ago the company I worked for invested a huge proportion of its annual profit with a 'performance consultancy' to take the sales team off-site on a 2-day motivational course in Brighton. The sales team consisted of eight people of varying age and experience. First day-and-a-half was bog-standard fare: team-building exercises, presentations, strategic planning and a heavy night on the piss. But the final afternoon was the stuff of legend. Every person was sent away for an hour to compile a dossier on every other member of the team. Their profiling should include two things they liked about each person and one thing they disliked. After the hour was up we regrouped and took it in turns to say our piece to every other member of the team. Two things became quickly apparent. 1) It was clearly hard for people to come up with two things they liked about their colleagues. 2) People were not content to only list one thing they disliked. It was a horrible session that culminated in three people taking the train home early and four resigning the following Monday morning. Money well spent." (BinDipper) >> This Week - First World Problems << It's hard when your cruise liner fails to quite deliver the luxury you demand. Still, at least world news organisations are there for you in your aircon-less misery. Tell us your tales of out of touch self-pity: http://b3ta.com/questions/firstworldproblems/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> WTF QR Codes << QR codes are the mess of pixels advertisers stick on posters. The theory is that you point your phone at it and you can find out more. Quite why that's better than just, we dunno, just printing a URL or "google 'cornflakes'" we don't know. Equal amounts of bafflement and amusement here: http://wtfqrcodes.com >> Star Wars suggested viewing order << For us the answer is simple. Just watch the first one then, if you really must, Empire & Jedi. Apparently the answer is more complicated than that. http://bit.ly/rAuMoX >> Crazy Lady << 8 minutes of audio from a New Zealand Radio show, reading out a text exchange after a one-night stand. It's amazing. http://bit.ly/wbIDEW >> Custom case for Raspberry Pi << Lots of love for the Pi this week - we get the appeal to hobbyists but the whole teaching kids to program stuff with Michael Gove sounds a bit unlikely and opportunistic. Anyway - to the doubters who think it should come with a case - eBay provides: http://bit.ly/zFBZ7r >> Most interesting pants in London? << Nice collection of photos of an abandoned clothing shop. Lucky it wasn't a food shop. http://cl.ly/Ebl8 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but with with a screen covered in snot >> Cat slap solo << One man, one ironing board, two cats, pure gold. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Slow-motion flint & steel << Transitions rapidly from 'two blokes mucking about with fire in the garden' to 'moment of dreamlike, ethereal beauty' and then back again. http://youtu.be/qO9g1_BTz0o >> Never steal a hacker's laptop << Computer nerd proudly recounts how he utterly pwned the guy that stole his laptop. Or at least the hapless schmuck who bought his laptop off some dodgy guy in the pub. http://goo.gl/dahlH >> Prometheus TED promo << Inspired bit of marketing for the upcoming Alien prequel - Guy Pearce's TED talk as corporate genius Peter Weyland. Kind of makes us want a film of just him - it could be like the good bits from Iron Man. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Prometheus_clip_promo >> Too much MDMA << Kids, this is why drugs are not cool. Or maybe why they're so much fun. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Interview with a KKK guy << Ex-Klansman recalls how they were all beaten by "one, old black guy." Mind-boggling stuff, particularly the Klan guy's expectations of what black people would be like, before meeting one. http://goo.gl/3KZgM ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Some names this week. Still not funny. * DUBIOUS RACIST LOLS - Boinkpl informs us, "Despite all appearances, it's not super racist!" Hmm, we're not so sure about that as, by our reckoning, this has been set up specifically for the gag and isn't in any way real. http://bigbustycoons.com/Homepage.html * RED LOLRY YELLOW LOLRY - drpeterwilliams writes, "I followed a lorry with this on the back last week. You might say I was right up its arse." http://www.fuchslubricants.com/ * OH THE FRENCH - stuburchett writes, "You don't seem to like my ideas for Funny Name Corner but surely this player for Marseille and France is worthy of a mention?" Don't take it personally, we don't like "any* ideas for Funny Name Corner. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Fanni * HE WORKS FOR ACER - and thanks to Valentin is now moderately more famous. Please don't send him crank email. http://tw.linkedin.com/pub/easy-lai/21/55/733 ------------------------------------------------- : PICS TO POST ON FACEBOOK in a self-hating attempt at popularity * NEVER LEAVE YOUR COCKATIEL NEAR A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN - a wise lesson in life. http://i.imgur.com/VtJkg.jpg * ADVICE FROM ROUTER COMPANY TO CAT OWNER - we had a similar problem with our cat and the powerpack for the ZX81. http://i.imgur.com/QvEhW.jpg * BEST PHOTO OF NICK CAVE EVER - also he's 54, so we're betting he uses a lot of hair dye. http://bit.ly/wqL5Pj ------------------------------------------------- : CUTE ANIMAL SHIT FOR IDIOTS No no, we don't mean it @tjh informs us that Buzzfeed are listing the "26 Happiest Animals In The World". Doesn't include the ones that inherit millions from batty owners mind you. http://goo.gl/aaoaC ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Where to hide your drugs We recently had to babysit a cat for a friend whilst they went on holiday and noticed an obvious drugs box in the kitchen. You know the type; wooden, vaguely hippyish Indian patterns on it. Sure enough, opening it, there were Rizlas and bits of old lighters etc in it. It got us thinking - people need drug boxes that aren't so bloody obvious. Like this - a small safe disguised as Karl Marx's Das Kapital, your local plod isn't going to open that and bust you when you invite him round after you've been burgled are they? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002VWP4I... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Austerity Challenge Last week we wanted you to make well-known things cheaper Your favourites included: * POSH - Tory triumvirate resurface as Peckham traders (Q4nobody.co.uk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10701345 * WESTMINSTER - the House of Commons, rendered via the medium of threaded forum discussion (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10704501 * WIND - of all the cheap energy alternatives, this is the cheapest (Snappyuk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10700270 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/austerity/ >> New challenge: Bowdlerisation << What would well-known movies/TV shows/ album covers etc be like if meddling Mary Whitehouse types were in charge and could censor everything? Challenge suggested by Drunken Mademoiselle Heau. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bowdlerisation/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * T-SHIRTS COMPO RESULTS - last week asked "what is your favourite swearing?" to win 5 T-shirts. The winners: 1. "cuntbubble" - Wasp Box 2. "My favourite swearing is cunt / Its near the arse, but at the front / I'd argue is better than shit if is pleases / I'd fuck your cunt but not your faeces" - PhillieJoe 3. "My favourite swearing is on a bible. I like to say cunt while holding one" - The Twisted Omentum 4. "go and take a running fuck up your own cunt" - drbroon 5. "My favourite swearing is "faggot butterfly" in Hungarian." - The Hedgehog From Hell. Make sure you get in touch ASAP with your size / address to send them to. Or if you want to buy one? Go to the shotdead site: http://goo.gl/s4y1D * 10 YEARS OF NEWSLETTERS? REALLY? skeltonator writes, "Amazingly, in three newsletters' time it's going to be the 10th newsletter anniversary! I do hope you are going to do something special like sacrifice a kitten or something." Blimey. Maybe we should get a new hobby. * MEAT CAKE - intesvensk writes, "I see in the newsletter that you are interested in meat cake. A couple years ago, my friend, Tim, cut sugar out of his diet. On his 30th birthday, he was very confused as to why we had made him a cake, why we were serving it before dinner, and why it weighed about 10lbs. He soon found out the meaty, delicious reasons behind our sinister giggles." http://goo.gl/gbkdN * THANKS FOR SOMETHING WE DON'T REMEMBER - johninchester writes, "I hope you don't mind, but we copied your idea and made the Council Twitter Bullshit detector. It's really winding up spin doctors. Follow @councilbullshit on Twitter :)" * EMAILS FROM SOCIOPATHS - chris writes, "Spike some dog biscuits with speed, feed some to a guide dog for the blind, then video the carnage :-)" Blimey, let's not do that, eh kids? * PLANS FOR THE B3TAN AUCTION CONTINUE - with some really quite interesting art created by board members. http://www.b3ta.com/links/For_the_B3ta_Tauction ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CELEBRITY-DEATH-GIFS.COM - every time a celeb dies we get these gifs on the board. A whole site of them would be very popular - if not something we'd really want to run ourselves, as it's a bit ghoulish. (Another celebrity death, more content for the internet machine. "Feed me death!" demands the web as she scoops the body into her HTML maw. etc) * MOON-BASED TAX HAVEN - seeing as people register companies in Gibraltar whilst clearly operating in the UK - why not the Moon? It would be just as farcical, yet somehow much, much cooler. * A POTTY THAT SAYS "YUM YUM YUM" EVERY TIME YOU POO IN IT - we're toilet-training a toddler at the moment and we think this might help. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Friends: [email protected] Twats: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by HappyToast, waz4444, RHINO=HARDCORE, glenbo, jakedamusss, Markygee, Kompani, WiL, @evarley, @stevejbeck, McMookMac, Gratch, @distinguishthis, @achrismiller, @natduffy, monkdagola, SnowyTheRabbit, ALittleMouseWithClogsOn & @iamamro. If we had £1 for every wank, by now we'd have a very sore penis. "Keep going," said the wife "just another 48 ejaculations for the leccy bill". Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top Tip via GLITTERWEvilsprinklesANK. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Rid yourself of annoying telemarketers by asking them if they sell anything BUT what they're trying to flog you. Keep going until they get annoyed and hang up. Still looking for something else to read? You could do worse than check out board stalwart Gonz's blog. "My dyslexic and the blog is my take on how I see words," he claims. http://wordsbygonz.tumblr.com/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive