we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TESCO: WORK SETS YOU FREE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * KITTEN FIGHT - Man battles tiny cat * CASSETTEBOY - Takes on the news * CRAZY SHIT - being sold by Amazon now ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy Birthday Steve ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Vegetables, Trailers, News, Kittens and Judo >> Vegetables << Singing vegetables encourage you to eat more vegetables. Uh, what? Cracking tune from totally eustus. http://b3ta.com/links/vegetables >> The Artistifier << "Take a YouTube video, make it black & white, add an orchestral soundtrack and some captions so people know what's going on. What do you have? A bloody Oscar winner for sure!" opines thegreatalbino. Try it with your own choice; Megashark vs. Giant Octopus, Charlie Bit My Finger, even Moneyballs. http://theartistifier.com/view_28 >> Cassetteboy vs. The News << "Satires!" crows Cassetteboy. And here they are, like watching BBC News after you've had a stroke. NSFW. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_The_News >> Cat Fight << "This has taken me THREE RUDDY MONTHS to make," brags Ornsack,"In what is essentially just a video of me and a mate beating up a kitten!" Simply put, this is the most ridiculous thing we've seen all week. And we've seen some things. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Fight:3 >> Judo Casebook << "I've been taking words from Dear Deirdre's Photo Casebook and placing them into the illustrations of a book called Judo: The Practical Way," semi-explains grandpabutton. "I've since scoured the charity shops and bought other books in the series illustrated by the same guy, Yoga: The Happy Way To Live and Knitting: Patterns, Stitches and Styles, which I'm planning to manipulate somehow too." http://goo.gl/bWG94 ------------------------------------------------- : ShotDeadintheHead T-shirt compo Five Tourettes shirts to win Shotdead have given us five t-shirts to give away to you, oh lucky B3tans, each one emblazoned with the slogan, "What do we want? A cure for Tourettes. When do we want it? Cunt." All you have to do is complete the following tiebreaker in 50 words or less, "My favourite swearing is..." http://b3ta.com/board/10701462 Or just buy the sodding t-shirt. http://goo.gl/s4y1D * LAST WEEK'S BRIAN BLESSED T-SHIRT COMPO WINNERS Well done to Bourbon Fox, Pobblepop, Gronkpan, SauronWibble and Rev. Jayneflakes who've all won a shirt. All T-Shirts will be delivered by Futumch in a brand-new Ford Tippex. Read all the entries or buy the shirt here: http://b3ta.com/board/10694997 ------------------------------------------------- : LONDON HACK DAY This weekend. Join in! Cr3 / Paul Curry of B3ta coder fame writes, "I'm doing SXSW this year and have got a Hack Day organised this weekend. I really need help promoting it to tech-savvy Londonites (or those nearby) - and b3ta is a very good fit. "We've got old-school B3tan Tom Scott helping, and Charles & Tom of the Gadget Geeks signed up as the judges - it should be really interesting for whoever turns up - free beer, pizza, lots of ideas, and the promise of SXSW/Internet fame for the winner! "Is there any chance you could pimp this in the newsletter?" Oh OK Paul, seeing as we love you in a sinister way that only ancient Greeks could understand. http://www.eventbrite.com/event/2999909811/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Random Acts of Evil Last week we asked for acts of pure nastiness. Some of you have been utter arses in the past: http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofevil/ * UNCLE TERRY'S DOOR - "Uncle Terry was a bit of a spiv, but he was also an inveterate scrounger, which was far worse. Post-war Hull was being re-built quickly and cheaply. My Grandfather, my Dad and his four brothers were in various trades and thus busy on any of the hundreds of building sites in the city, and were regularly pestered by Uncle Terry. He'd invariably be after this or that 'for the shed/prefab/pigeon loft.' There were few enforcers on these sites so it was easy for Terry to sidle up, offer a ciggie and ask for something or other... Now, family loyalties were strong, so it was hard to say no, but Terry took the proverbial, constantly after something. His welcome had worn very thin on the day he asked George for paint for his front door. George disappeared to rootle out a tin which was grumpily handed over to a 'Cheers lad' from Terry. A week passes and Terry's back on the hunt again. Another tin of paint for the front door. 'But you had a tin last week!' 'I know but it weren't any good. It went on alright but our Brenda said it made the house stink and a load of flies got stuck in it before it dried so the door needs doing again. And she said she wants it green this time, not brown.' George says, 'Shall I not shit in this one then?'" (Bergamot B) * POWER TRIP - "I was in the 6th form when the school went from 13+ to 11+ intake, and the new students seemed to be getting a lot of money spent on them (they could use the school's new Mac network, we had to make do with some crappy old RM terminals, that sort of thing). Mooching around one lunchtime, and a trio of anklebiters go tearing past us. In a fit of especially childish pique, I stick out my foot to trip the last one to pass. Trip he does, followed by a flawless forward roll that leads him back to a running finish. Didn't even break his stride. My one attempt to bully someone for the heinous crime of being smaller than myself, and I pick on the boy wonder." (monster munch) * WE TRIED NOT TO LAUGH - "Dear Dad, when your 8 y/o daughter has just had major eye surgery and will, effectively, be blind for the next 2 weeks, rearranging her bedroom furniture while she's asleep is NOT FUCKING FUNNY" (Smash Monkey) >> This Week - Corporate Idiocy << Frustrated by company policies that just make no sense? Answer these simple security questions, and tell us all about it: http://b3ta.com/questions/corporateidiocy/ ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON WEIRDNESS CORNER Creepy latex masks, fake B3ta book & drugs Stock market analysts have been moaning about Amazon recently; it's expanded by letting in loads of third parties to sell stuff via their site, which means the consumer can buy pretty much anything but Amazon makes less money per sale then something it fulfilled itself. But hey, we're here for the lols rather than share price worries, and this expansion means they really do sell crazy crap these days, eg: * CREEPY LATEX FEMALE FACE MASKS - basically so a man can dress up and pretend to be a woman. Whether they then have sex with another man and pretend this isn't gay or just wank themselves silly we don't know. http://amzn.to/xJzfNw * FAKE COMPUTER-GENERATED KINDLE BOOKS - this really is a con operated by trawling Wikipedia and then compacting various pages into a "book". This one, for example, is about B3ta. Please don't buy it - and Amazon really should kick this stuff off. It genuinely could gouge money from the unwary for a heap of shit. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/613260749... * SALVIA DRUGS - a curious one this, utterly legal to sell but we wonder if it's a tabloid scare waiting to happen. Our drugs correspondent Dr Strange wrote to us about it recently, "Remember you linked to salvia on Amazon long ago? It stopped for a while, but I checked and it's back. Completely legal to buy and sell in the UK, and many countries. Probably because it's too unenjoyable to be a party drug. It's not psychedelic, it's a dissociative. Not going to say it changed my life, but taking it is a significant life experience. The most insightful for me was taking it in an ad break, my friends just got a massive 42" telly and a beauty ad came on. I felt I was in a dystopian future where millions around the country would stare in silence at this public broadcast of commercialism." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001TLIR6... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Jazz FM hacked with 'Porn Soundtrack' << Initially we read that as 'Tron soundtrack' and, shamefully, we were more excited. Listen here, as the station accidentally and explicitly broadcasts an adult film soundtrack. Very much NSFW unless, obviously, you work at Jazz FM. http://goo.gl/DnGk6 >> Japanese Fart Scrolls << Japan: giving us weird shit for well over a century. Old Japanese art depicting the He-Gassen or Battle of Farts. BEHOLD! http://www.tofugu.com/2012/02/18/japanese-fart-scr... >> Cartoon characters fucking << Out-of-context frames cut from cartoons where it looks like as if the two characters might be... you know. Surprisingly explicit. http://outofcontextanimation.tumblr.com/ >> "What's the harm?" << Interesting/disturbing site attempting to list the cases of all people who have been harmed by a lack of critical thinking. You know the drill: kid gets sick, family won't seek medical treatment, kid dies, we all blame Jesus. http://whatstheharm.net/ >> "Pixelfucks" << Hypnogifs to melt your brain. NSFW. Or if you're epileptic. http://pixelfucks.com/ >> Olde Timey Penis Illustrations << These would be the etchings our neighbour always invited us up to see - and we never did. Until now. Gah. NSFW, of course. http://goo.gl/BwkrI ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a toaster that that plays TV but on bread >> Ain't Nobody by Chaka Khan << Given the an acoustic treatment by Jon Gomm. We enjoyed this so much we bought Jon's album. He sent it to us signed "To The Ginger Fuhrer", which made us unsure whether he reads B3ta or obsessively googles people who buy his music; then we found Jon posting on B3ta, having opened an account several years ago. Hooray! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Aint_Nobody_by_Chaka_Kha... >> Royal tit gawping << Pentti Arajarvi, the husband of Finnish President Tarja Halonen, caught perving at Princess Mary of Denmark's norks. BTW: If you look-up Princess Mary of Denmark on Wiki she's the utter spit of Kate Middleton. We reckon Foxconn has been manufacturing princesses in China or something. PRINCESSES AWAKE. PROCEED TO STAGE 2: EAT HEAD OF STATE. http://www.b3ta.com/links/We_are_NOT_amused >> Ad for Australian university << This should be shit but it's not. Which is the secret of all advertising. The audience wants to hate it and if you bring them round THEY FUCKING LOVE YOU. http://goo.gl/ZS2rf >> Napalm Death on kids' TV << The grind-core legends make an appearance on a BBC musical education show, back in 1989. Also a featuring a young Craig Charles, before he lost his looks. http://goo.gl/PAswu >> The Tin Pot Foreign General & the Old Iron Woman << Now the Falklands is back in the news, here's a timely post of a reading of Raymond 'Snowman' Briggs' book of the Falklands War. http://goo.gl/cSk5X >> South African Shangaan Electro. << Always good to hear music that sounds different - the mixture of cheap midi sounds, a stupidly fast tempo and badly-recorded African singing sounds fresh to us. Apparently "the song talks about hardships of life, made worse by lack of family." http://b3ta.com/links/Some_south_african_Shangaan_... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Oh god make it stop Have you poohed your shithole? http://bit.ly/Ad2hGu ------------------------------------------------- : CHORTLE COMEDY AWARDS Vote Kunt / Sanderson Jones We have to confess some cynicism about online awards, they're often run as a cunning ploy to increase traffic to a host website, whilst turning all the nominees into unpaid advocates running around posting on Twitter saying "vote for me". But hey, two of our favourite B3ta people have been hassling us to help promote them and our love for them outweighs our spider-sense of being a bit manipulated into doing it. So remember - vote 'Kunt' for the musical one, and vote Sanderson Jones / Comedy Sale for the innovation one. Your b3tans need you. http://bit.ly/yHGkyp BTW: Ooh we notice Simon Munnery is up for an award. We *heart* Munnery. If we ruled the world he'd actually be properly famous and anyone who's ever on Mock The Week would be fed to crows. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Beards Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards Your favourites included: * SINISTER - magical and peculiar hand- grooming animation (keo) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10693951 * HORROR - Hitchcock classic re-imagined with Scouse accent (maiden) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10695912 * BLESSED - terrific live-action pruning of giant-voiced actor (rattlehead) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10696991 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beards/ >> New challenge: Austerity Britain << This week's challenge is to tighten our belts and make austerity version of things we already know about. What would Austerity Olympics mean? What about Austerity Royal family? Recreate Britain on the cheap. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/austerity/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * EMAIL OF THE WEEK - Ola.thorsen writes, "The (New Zealand) Wellington Rugby Sevens Tournament is basically a huge excuse to get on the turps and dress in silly costumes. My wife Lisa and her workmate Chantelle attended as inbread cats." http://bit.ly/AEnTk7 * AUTISM SURVEY / SKEPTICS IN THE PUB - Tannice N Pendegrass writes, "I am conducting a survey for a talk I am doing on Autism for a non-profit organisation known as 'Skeptics in the Pub'. My talks will be in March (Guildford), May (Hackney) and June (Edinburgh) and I'm hoping that I will be able to go to other destinations in the country to do the talk. As I said, I will not be collecting any money for these talks (travel expenses only) so I was hoping that I could ask your members to complete the survey?" Hehe, the idea that B3ta would be a good place to run an autism survey? No tittering at the back please. http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JGK72CM * SILLY SURVEY FINDINGS - yeah? writes, "I posted a survey on the /links board, had a great response, so I thought I'd share the findings." Amusing stuff. Keep at it. http://modificationsofearlierviews.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : BIRTHS, DEATHS & MARRIAGES Announced from the 'Newsletter of Record' * CONGRATULATIONS to Helmsdeep who's now the proud dad of young Barnaby Maximilian. He's written about it here. Particularly interesting as both parents are deaf and it's a unique insight into the differing experience of dealing with hospitals using an interpreter. http://bit.ly/wJN9Au ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A GUIDE TO THE CHEAPEST COFFEE IN LONDON - there's a least £2 in price variation between the cheapest and most expensive in the same road (near to B3ta HQ). * HANGING FOR PEOPLE WHO WRITE MALWARE - we're pretty liberal generally but not for the shits who write that crap and break websites. GRRR. Waste our time will you? You will die. * MEAT CAKE - Surely a Victoria Sponge could only be improved with lashing of delicious ham. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- YAY: [email protected] NAY: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by WiL, barryheadwound, The Mock Turtle. Top Tippery by 2 Can Chunder Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Wildyles. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Unpopular male b3tans. Change your username so it looks like you're a girl. Suddenly everyone will want to talk to you. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive