we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BRIAN BLESSED" "MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BRIAN BLESSED" next issue » « previous issue * BRIAN COX vs Weebl * MARTIN AMIS vs Space Invaders * DUBSTEP CAT - need we say more? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy 31st Birthday ___/ _ |/_ > What not to do on your date << "Here's a new sketch we made," exclaims ravonski. "Dwayne goes on a Valentine's Day date that doesn't go entirely to plan." Good gag. We've all been there, right? http://bit.ly/AbS2IP >> Open My Box << "Love unboxing videos," claims ratbanjos. "Love em." Hence his own, disturbingly low-tech, take on the genre. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Open_My_Box >> Professor Brian Cox << Weebl's back, with a catchy, musical resumé for the BBC's favourite boy-faced space-boffin. Savlonic fans rejoice btw: "The next video is being made... it's rather epic," confides Weebl. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Professor_Brian_Cox:2 >> Newsbomb: BAGBOY << "She's got a pretty mouth if I do say so myself!" banjoes Smearballs. Another mashed-up apparition of the American news-scape. http://www.b3ta.com/links/BAGBOY >> iPad Mona Lisa << "Another of those painting-with-iPad-Brushes videos," scribbles precipio. "But this one - a reproduction of the Mona Lisa - is really awesome! Blows Hockney out of the water." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Random Acts of Kindness The cold, dark depths of winter are an excellent time to remind yourself that nice things do happen. Here's a whole bunch of them: http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofkindness/ * WAVING - "As a student, I used to stay with an aunt and uncle in Bury a lot. Of a morning (well, whatever time I would surface) I'd head up to the shop at the top of their road to buy a paper. Directly opposite was an old folk's home. One morning, as I approached the junction, I saw an elderly lady stood in the window. She was waving in a sad, almost mournful fashion - not even putting much effort into her wave. It was a saturday morning, grey and overcast. She was alone, in a home, probably not visited by friends or family in some time. She must have felt detached from the world around her, alone, desperate for someone to recognise her existence and bring the tiniest little bit of light into her life. I did what we all would do - put on a big shit-eating grin and waved back. After a second or so, her eyes met mine. I saw confusion, then a little fear, then finally, comprehension. She put down the cloth with which she had been happily cleaning her window, and waved cheerfully back at the grinning retard stood in the street waving at her like a massive fucknugget. Good of her, I say." (Bappage) * BAKING - "Years ago, in a cookery lesson in school, I made an apple pie. In a fit of righteous philanthropy I decided I was going to give the pie to my elderly neighbour (she was frail, half-blind, had Parkinson's disease and lived alone - she was obviously in need of an entire apple pie). She was delighted, or at least she pretended she was, but the next day she presented me with a box of chocolates to thank me. I was incredibly annoyed by this, as my selfless gesture wasn't supposed to be rewarded and she was totally destroying my chance to bask in unadulterated altruism. I decided the only way to improve the situation was to bake another pie, and then when she'd paid me back for that I'd bake another, and another, and another, in some kind of fucked up cake arms race. Fortunately she died a short time later. I don't think it was pie-related." (crackhouseceilidhband) * FLAPPING - "Out and about, I nursed an injured butterfly back to health. Got back home, my house has been destroyed in unseasonably high winds" (nightbuffalo) >> This Week: Random Acts of Evil << Right. That's quite enough of that twee, happy bollocks. Tell us, has anyone ever been evil to you, out of the blue, for no reason? Have you ever been a total twuntcake against all logic? http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofevil/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Composite characters << Famous literary characters, recreated from their descriptions using law enforcement composite sketch software. Wow, this stuff has come on a lot since the early days of Identikit. http://thecomposites.tumblr.com >> Advice from Teller (of Penn & Teller) << Emailed advice to a young magician from magical mime Raymond Teller. Truly inspirational stuff, if you're struggling to find your voice in any field of the arts. http://bit.ly/AkjKTz >> Martin Amis on videogames << Much-feted novelist Amis has a skeleton in his closet. A low-rez, highly pixelated skeleton. In the early 80s he wrote a guide to Space Invaders and other classic arcade fare. Here it is - and it is wondrous. http://bit.ly/AmF2bl >> Amazing colourised photos of the past << Photoshop nerds unleash their mojo on famous black and white photographs, torn from the very pages of history. http://imgur.com/a/wapUe >> Breaded cats << The internet cat-based craze that's sweeping the... well, you know the rest. Blah blah blah you will love it. http://www.breadedcats.com >> Write your own text adventure << Ageing nerds will enjoy typing stuff like "N, E, examine rock, fuck dwarf" here. http://playfic.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if your TV could b.b.b.buffering >> '1970s' pop charts << An affectionate return to the baffling world of the 1970s Top of the Pops chart countdown. Who were all these people? Was there really a time when looking like that could make you a superstar? http://youtu.be/TuD1alT1VVM >> Dancing dubstep cat << This bespecced moggy is a lovely mover and appears to be some sort of Russian internet celebrity. http://vimeo.com/36820781 >> Awesome/awful psychedelic music vid << Delete as applicable, after viewing this inexplicable, acid jazz oddity. It has that weird, slightly unnerving attempt at sexiness you get in old B-movies but, hey, that's probably what they were going for. http://bit.ly/AmPMgx >> The secret of the comedy phone voice << Fans of 1970s sitcoms will recognise the gabbling voice of the unpleasant onscreen phonecall. But what is the voice actually saying? Scientists use space-age audio reconstruction technology to find out. http://bit.ly/y8DImD >> Ping pong baby << By now we've all seen the cats playing ping pong, but what about a baby? He's surprisingly good too. Okay, that's a very low bar. He's better than us. Also a low bar. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Jurassic Park Theme (Melodica Cover) << Genuinely hilarious dinosaurian redub. A bathetic beauty. http://bit.ly/xD364A ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Gay fanny * GAY - Mr Tea writes, "A Chicago street gang who surely deserve the title of 'campest gang in history' - not that you'd want to say that to their faces." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Almighty_Gaylords * FANNY NAME CORNER - @mikeisbrill writes, "It amused me that the top Google result for 'lady's fanny' was a French singer-songwriter." http://ladyfanny.com ------------------------------------------------- : SECONDHAND iPHONE 3GS Austerity corner - we buy secondhand phones now Recently the official B3ta iPhone 4 was stolen. We didn't have insurance and sulked for a bit when Orange wanted about £500 to replace it. We manfully struggled on with a tragic Nokia from about 2007 that horribly embarrassed us every time it rang. Then we thought, hang on, we could just buy a secondhand iPhone 3GS! Cost us about £120 and it's not hugely worse than the 4. It's still a good phone and our kids like playing Cat Physics on it too. http://amzn.to/w1ZtI6 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Cute/Ugly Challenge Last week we wanted you to make cute things ugly Your favourites included: * GRIFFIN - in which the boss-eyed BNP loon tries a new look to appeal to the cat lady demographic (Snappyuk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10686196 * DISTRESSING - don't click the link. Seriously, don't click the link. You cannot un-see what you'll find (Michael Ellis) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10686428 * TV - afternoon televisual favourite Blockbusters isn't quite the show it used to be (Clay) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10687572 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuteugly/ >> New challenge: Beards << This week's one-word challenge is to celebrate the magnificence of chin topiary. So it's beards for the next seven days. BEARDS. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beards/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WE ALWAYS ENJOY EMAILS LIKE THIS - "Hi there. I submitted the [redacted] link that was included in newsletter [redacted]. I'm about to apply for a job at Google, so... if you wouldn't mind, could you please edit the newsletter and credit the submission to my b3ta username, [redacted], instead of the first bit of my email address? Thank you very much!" * B3TA ART AUCTION - HappyToast writes, "Hi, as you may know we're doing another b3ta art auction at this years London Bash. To avoid repeatedly spamming the mainboard with the same info and annoying people who aren't interested I was going to keep updating this thread." http://b3ta.com/links/749374 * FREEROADING - ndeezy writes, "In response to your better name request for 'streetcycling', I call it 'Freeroading', not a great name in itself but if you are person who partakes in this activity, either a giver or a receiver then you are a 'Freeroader'. If you're Japanese then it's even better, although casually racist. It's such a buzz when a freeroader takes the time to knock on your door and say thanks and explain why it's so useful. Oddly enough, the only thing that has never been taken was a candyfloss maker, possibly because I was the only person unaware that pouring sugar into a red-hot oscillator results in perma-caramelised walls." * PISSING IN SINKS - markanchal writes, "My missus disapproves of toilet seat leaver-uppage - in fact, she's the one who keeps the lid up - but I've been a longstanding advocate of sink-winkling. Could happily extol the hygienic benefits of washing your dipstick en-point, or the environmental savings of water usage when rinsing a whizzy sink compared to flushing - But fuck it. I do so because the sink is cock-level, and I can rest my lager-slinger on the edge while miming drum-solos to The Surfaris' seminal 1963 track 'Wipe Out'." Wait, *she* leaves the seat up? ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * VIBRATOR PIXEL ART - we've just realised that if you got, say, 500 vibrators and painted them different colours you could make huge pixel art. Say of Steve Jobs, then turn them on and roll about on it shouting "I LOVE APPLE." This would be satire. Vibrating satire. * STUFFING MEAT WITH POPCORN - valentin writes, "I read this stuffed turkey recipe where the filling is corn. Apparently, when it pops, the turkey is blown out of the oven and it's done. Why don't you post a challenge on this? My wife refused to let me in the kitchen after my last petrol-and-eggs experiment and I wouldn't like to die without knowing the outcome." * SHIT OLD MEMES DONE BADLY - stick an iPhone into your crappy plastic blender that can't even chop a carrot properly. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Join us: [email protected] Leave us crying: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Holly Would, P-MONKE, groovypoodle, @takebacks, mr-lizard, @TheRangeLoner, @uuilson, @bushofgoats, @mattround. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Don't ever set your tech to bleep or display alerts for tweets / emails etc. Check it when YOU want. This has improved our lives immeasurably. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive