we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "OPERATING A PERMANENT GEEK BAILOUT SINCE 2001" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DREDD - Sci fi meets kids' TV * OPTICAL - Illusions to fuck your eyes * TOYS - with embarrassing names ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Stuff, things, etc >> Phantom Menace disappointment << George Lucas is releasing 3D versions of his prequels, to the dismay/secret delight of nerds everywhere. Funkadelic83 writes, "We at the Second City have made a trailer so you can re-experience the disappointment of the Phantom Menace - in 3D!" http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Here Comes Dredd << "Old kids' TV meets everyone's favourite future cop," posits HappyToast. Prepare your thrill-circuits for overload as we meet Mega City One's favourite, tiny, bobble-headed lawman. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Here_comes_Dredd >> What's in Spock's scanner Part III << "The third and final part of my Star Trek editing endeavours," explains Black Moon, who clearly doesn't believe in describing things as a trilogy. A sublime 10 minutes of dialogue-free gags from the Original Series. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whats_in_Spocks_scanner_... >> Sheep! meets snow << "Another of them there films I make," affirms Sheep! modestly. "With snow, yeah?" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Another_of_them_there_fi... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Filth! Last week we asked you for your tales of grot, grime, dirt, detritus and mess. Don't read these whilst eating: http://b3ta.com/questions/filthandmess/ * CREEPY - "Cleaning up someone's rancid backyard with a pressure washer, I was delighted to be covered in a thin slurry of shite, old broken eggs, mouse corpses, chicken shit and other wonderful detritus. When I gave up and went indoors for a beer my eye was itching. After I went back to work and carried on swishing the filth, my eye was still itching. When I got home hours later I had a few pre-bath beers and sat reading the paper, all the while, my eye was itching. Finally I decanted my filthy self into the bath and had a good old soak to be rid of the day's accumulated horrors, although...my eye was still itching. Eventually I sprang from the bath, shiny and cleansed and looked hard at my eye in the bathroom mirror. Nothing; nothing that is until I pulled my lower eyelid down. Crawling along, without a care in the world was a small, white maggot. I wear goggles now for that kind of job." (Infidel Castrol) * FRUIT AND VAG - "Many years ago I had a weekend job working for a supermarket in the fruit and veg department. One Saturday at 6am, unloading a delivery lorry, we noticed an unsavoury odour but dismissed it as driver beer/curry/fart. We were wrong. I wheeled the veg onto the shop floor. Loose veg came in black polythene bags that you'd slice open and tip out. Not today though. I sliced open a bag carrots and was immediately hit with the stench of farmyard excrement. Not just excrement though, there was an artistic bonus too. The tray was packed with horse shit and with eleven carrots thoughtfully laid on top of it to spell out 'CUNT'. This wasn't a spur of the moment act though - these carrots were massive and whoever had performed the act must have been saving these carrots over his shift, which I imagine was his last. So Mr Unhappy Carrotpacker, if you ever read this and have wondered after all these years just where your handiwork ended up, it arrived at Hertford Waitrose one Saturday morning and caused one of my colleagues to dry wretch repeatedly for about 90 minutes before eventually throwing up in the cardboard box compactor out the back. For that I salute you." (Guntfuggle Quackblast) * MUNCHIES - "Many years ago, a mate's girlfriend came round. She'd just got off shift at the local hospital. "Anyone got any spliff?" "Didn't know you smoked, Sara?" "I don't but I need the munchies or I won't be able to keep dinner down." She'd assisted at a cyst drainage: the patient had not one but seventeen, spread over his back and ranging from dried pea to satsuma in size. The little ones went OK but the three biggest...squirted. Apparently the smell was a cross between rotting flesh, halitosis and vomit. All the theatre staff were hit. The surgeon had to have his face-shield wiped off twice and the theatre itself was out of action for 4 hours while pathology had it steam cleaned and then swabbed for cultures. Poor Sara. She got the munchies, but had a flashback halfway down her Chinese and threw up." (all my scars face forward) >> This Week: Random Acts of Kindness<< Has anyone ever been nice to you, out of the blue, for no reason? Have you helped an old lady across the road? Make us believe that the world is a better place here: http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofkindness/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Incredible optical illusions << You won't believe your eyes! http://optillusions.tumblr.com/ >> Abandoned Ireland << Arty black-and-white photos of various Irish buildings that have been left to decay. Eerie and a little sad. http://www.abandonedireland.com/start.html >> The Bristol Pound << Banksy's home town is launching its own currency. Not as mad as it seems - there's been a bunch of smaller schemes around the country already, including London's own Brixton Pound. They're looking for a banknote design right now, and they probably can't afford Banksy - why not give it a go? http://bristolpound.org/index.php >> Daily Mail snow troll << Gleeful scamp reveals how the Daily Mail ran a faked-up snow picture he made for his mates. Interesting insight into how lazy researchers can actually create a troll. http://bit.ly/wYyyyE >> The difference between accounting companies << Quick Google search reveals the embarrassing truth. http://bit.ly/xFctE3 >> Dictionary Of The Vulgar Tongue, 1811 << A sort of ancient Profanisaurus, written in 1811 now available on Project Gutenberg. We think it's past time to revive terms like 'betwattled' and 'fartleberries' - remember, it doesn't count as swearing if it's over 200 years old. http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5402 >> Freelancer Fred << It's funny because it's true. Like all memes. http://www.quickmeme.com/Freelancer-Fred/ >> Daybreak Time Twitter << Kudos to the long-suffering staffer on the Daybreak Twitter account. A job that mostly consists of explaining the concept of ITV+1 to bleary-eyed viewers. http://bit.ly/xR9RuU ------------------------------------------------- : PLUG FOR B3TA BASH Each year, keen B3tan Riverghost organises a bash. He writes, "Oi, any chance of a plug again for the charity auction at the London bash again this year? I have wine gums!" Oh go on. Sign up. Then attend. It's in London, 25th May 2012. http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/23598 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It's like TV and this bit is your TV Quick mag >> Iron Sky trailer << Nazis from the Moon. Nazis from the Moon. Will we go and see this film? Possibly, but for now it's enough that it exists. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Iron_Sky_trailer >> Electricity company uses B3tan's idea! << Well done to b3tan Herman who got paid and laid* for this wonderfully cute ad spot of collapsing cooling towers. And well done to Ecotricity's agency, for doing things the right way. * May not have got laid http://bit.ly/xuI6OU >> Data's impression of Captain Picard << Brent Spiner does a good impression of Patrick Stewart. VERY good. This must happen on loads of long-running TV shows - you're with the same bunch of people for ages and they're all celebrated for their gift of mimicry. http://bit.ly/wGJzqd >> Superbowel << Creative use of computer game's dodgy collision detection. Kind of NSFW. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Superbowel >> Island of Misnamed Toys << "My three year old daughter names all of her toys herself." Cue massive parental embarrassment as we meet Dick & Prick, Horny and friends. Deary me. http://youtu.be/_X-9BlmGVn4 >> Fake rhino zoo breakout << Zoo in Tokyo runs a training exercise on dealing with an escaped rhino. Two members of staff play the part of the rampaging beast - love the attention to detail that's given the costume lush eyelashes and wiggly ears. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16950361 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Tedious shit as per usual Apparently there's a German ski jumper called "A. Wank". He is 1,89m tall and weighs 72 kg. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andreas_Wank ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA SURVIVAL TIPS Thinking about staying alive? Here's a handy guide. 1. Eat well, but not too much. Try not to snack. But if you must snack have an apple. 2. Being permanently drunk or hung over is no way to live your life. Cut it down. 3. Exercise is good. It doesn't have to be crazy let's run a marathon stuff. Just make sure you walk every day. 4. People are more interesting than the internet. But they're also more difficult to make work. Make the effort. 5. Cheese is the devil. It'll tempt you with its fatty ways. Get thee behind me, cheese Satan. ------------------------------------------------- : DIG DEEP CHARITY SHIT Everyman Theatre in Liverpool got knocked down. Sir Hubert Huzzah writes, "It was where Pete Postlethwaite, Bill Drummond, Bill Nighy, Julie Walters and David Morrisey - among others - got a start in the actoring and actoressing life. It is also where the longest play in history (The Illuminatus Trilogy by Ken Campbell) was performed. Including a faked Black Mass Under the Patronage of Queen Betty. "So they're rebuilding it and want donations. Go, on B3tans." http://www.everymanplayhouse.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Dialogue Challenge Last week we wanted you to misunderstand famous lines from films etc. for wildly comic effect Your favourites included: * WHOOPS - in the heat of battle, a misunderstanding has disastrous consequences (ferry) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10680204 * CASABLANCA - the most famous farewell in all of moviedom gets dumbed up (The Great Architect ) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10679085 * MOLESTATION - a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, fear of pedophiles cut a long story short (Willmot) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10682038 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misunderstood/ >> New challenge: Ugly/Cute << This week's challenge is to take the loveliest, cutest things you can find and make them hideously ugly. Easy. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuteugly/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TANS MAKE LEMBIT OPIK POSSIBLY LOOK A BIT SILLY - all over the UK political bits on twitter earlier this week was this. db123 writes, "Myself and Krispystrips were asked to make a lil music video for The Good Suns. We happened to have Lembit's number and knew he enjoyed music. Shot this in half a day (can you tell?!) and had drinks with him after." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lembit_Opik_starred_in_m... * BACKWARDS TUBE NAMES - Rev. Error writes, "Bit of feedback on the anagram tube map: Finsbury Park backwards is Krapy Rub Snif!" Are there any more? Ooh, yes, yes there are. Upton Park - Krap Not Pu. * VAGINAL PINK ANXIETY - "Afternoon - was just looking at your link for 'My Oink Button' in the newsletter and I thought I'd go to the Amazon site to see more. Take a look at the 'customers who viewed this item also viewed...' section. It's the most fucked-up collection of stocking fillers I've ever seen:" http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002P0ST1K/... * BIZARROKNICKERS - Geoff the Clownfish writes, "Following on from last week's vagina dye, what better to slip her New Pink Button into than these beauties? They're basically knickers that look like a pantie-liner, with a thong bit that slips up her crack. Check the photos. Really this season's must-haves." http://bit.ly/ygi3OW ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Lippy name that tune Smack your lips together and note the tone. Change the shape of your mouth and note the different tone. You should be able to roughly play tunes. We can make a piss-poor stab at Hot Butter's Pop Corn. Can your colleagues guess what the tune is? Do they want to stab you in the face yet? ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DAILY MAIL BIKINI BAROMETER - run a daily soft porn count for the strip they stick down the side of their front page. * STREETCYCLING? - we love that we can just stick stuff outside our house and people take it. Assuming it's worth taking. This low effort cooperative sharing thing needs a name and it should be encouraged. It's less shitty than eBay, and less effort than Freecycle. Huzzah. * OFFICIAL READING HOUR - every night at 8pm the internet should be turned off, the pubs closed, TV switched off and we all read for 1 hr. Send contributions via a pipe bomb underneath our Austin Allegro. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sexy fun time: [email protected] Unsexy unfun time:[email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @helenlewis, threefour, The Goddamn Barfly steand ste, Leemondus, Butters, Peacocke, Stashie, leeblackwood, sinisterduck, Nimble Colin, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, boldswede. Top Tippery by KarlToOnZ. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive