we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE ONLY NEWSLETTER IN THE WORLD THAT ACTUALLY NEEDS CENSORSHIP" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MEAT PLANET - Sagan's cosmic beauty * CLIFF RICHARD - Dying inside * HELLO - Sung by Hollywood stars ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "SOPA: Fucking the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Meat, Royals, Hoarding and Battery Data >> Carl Sagan's Meat Planet << A long-missing episode from Cosmos, the eminent astrophysicist's award-winning TV series. Sagan muses in awe at the majestic wonder of a colossal planet composed of cosmic beef. "I also made a small website site explaining further details of the planet which Carl didn't get round to," interjects curator spellingmistakescostlives. http://bit.ly/zChFXZ >> Royal Family Calendar 2012 << "Oh Christ, it's that time of year again!" screams Wasp Box. Okay, it's slightly later than that time of year, as your b3ta scribes have been slack at writing this up. "Asciifaceofbob and have only gone and collaborated on another calendar!" he continues. Last year it was very rude MPs; this time it's the Royals and almost SFW! "Why not print it out and give it to your Nan?" http://www.stopinternets.com/royal-calendar.pdf >> Music collection seeks owner << "A 500,000-piece vinyl / 8 track / cassette archive in North Manchester is about to be lost for ever," informs Tom. "I wrote this blog piece about the owner's plight & to see if there's anyone out there with space for it all." Any obsessive-compulsive hoarders out there fancy a go? http://bit.ly/wYhP84 >> We want battery life << "I have made a tremendously geeky thing," brags stevierar. "I want to collect people's experiences with their smartphones, specifically how long their battery lasts depending on their usage and tactics, and then rank them into nice pretty lists to help people choosing their next phone. Specifically me, as my contract runs out in two months. I'm looking forward to having lots of data to analysis and graphs to make. GRAPHS!" It's not much to look at right now, but will make a cracking follow-up in a few weeks' time. http://www.wewantbatterylife.com ------------------------------------------------- INTERNET BLACKOUT IS RACIST SAYS SOPA SPOKESPERSON. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Messing with People's Heads Last week we asked you for the mind games you've played with your friends, or that they've played on you. It's too long for here, but go read how Pooflake inexplicably decided pretending to be a paedo at work was a good idea: http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwithheads/ * YAKKETY SAX - "When I was in a school orchestra a few years ago, I was made section leader over a group of learners. They ranged from maybe grade 6 down to absolute beginner. I convinced them that if you belch down a wind instrument the pitch will change, due to the comparative density of the air or some such bollocks. This, I told them, was why jazz bands are always drinking. It's to help them belch on cue for those jazzy pitch-blends. They tried it for months, to the utter bewilderment of the conductor. I had to 'fess up when one of them accidentally overdid it and vomited into a sax." (Sivvus) * FORKS - "During my long-past student days I made many trips to my friend Jon's house due to a) his Amiga and b) his access to superior smoking supplies. Every time I went around I would sneak into his kitchen to steal a fork, leaving a knife I had smuggled in from my own cutlery drawer. I often ate with him and his housemates. Over time the start of every meal was preceded by an increasingly irate search for forks. With his fork supply down to one old battered fork he wondered, "Where do they all go?" followed by "at least we have lots of knives." I was able to sympathise. I was going through a similar experience, only with knives." (cupeye) * SHORTS - "My ex boss was a bit of a short-arse who suffered from short man syndrome. Every year or so we'd had a staff group photo with us all lined up like good children. One particular year one of us printed it out on the colour laser printer and put it on the office notice board. Every week we'd then photoshop our boss a few pixels shorter and replace the previous copy. From time to time we'd notice him taking a look at the photo. Took him about 10 weeks to notice he was now the size of Jimmy Krankie in the line-up. He didn't take it too well." (Airman Gabber) >> This Week - Childhood Misconceptions << What old bollocks did you believe as a kid? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/childhoodmisconceptions/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Lol. Funny cat gifs << If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever whilst you and I turn our heads and tweet funny cat gifs. http://www.catgifpage.com >> Cliff Richard Dying Inside << Four Cliff facts: 1. Cliff once played a drug dealer in the 1967 movie Two a Penny. "But that's okay cos we're all sorted out for Mistletoe and Wine." 2. Sir Cliff is one of the 'five knights of rock' including Paul McCartney, Elton John, Mick Jagger and Tom Jones. Should England be invaded they'll pull their guitars from the golden scabbard and flee to the nearest tax haven. 3. This bachelor boy recently celebrated his 70th birthday and if we assume at least 2 wanks a day for 57 years he's possibly masturbated the Cliff cock over 40,000 times. 4. Cliff's real name is Harry Webb. The boys at his school called him Hairy Webb referring to his unmananagable and sprawling pubes. http://cliffricharddyinginside.tumblr.com >> Movie posters from an alt universe << The theory of alternative universes is that at every decision point a new universe is spawned for each option. It's an idea that makes infinity look small. Our favourite alt universes include the one where the Nazis' made a moon base, where John Lennon wasn't shot and made a bad indie-dance crossover record in the 90s, and this rather lovely collection of film posters: http://bit.ly/wzj7Kf >> Center Parcs and Anal Sex << Strange, trollish debate on mumsnet on whether Center Parcs is a codeword for anal sex. Some PR person in Center Parcs must currently be struggling to strategise this. Do we sue? Do we ignore it? Heck, do we run with it? http://bit.ly/AtMdJs >> "And this is the funky guitar" << Deconstructing the 12" mix whilst you are listening to it. Genius bit of 80s meta-nonsense from ZTT. Listen. http://open.spotify.com/track/045BTjtzYdgAnfn2fIza... >> How will you die? << Fascinating Tumblr where people predict how their deaths will play out. Us? Alone in a decaying flat, waiting for our children to call. They never do and only at the end do we understand how cruel we really were to the people who loved us. Yay, we're so emo. http://how-you-die.tumblr.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a Betamax video but with less retro cool >> Hello: is it me you're looking for? << Richie facts: 1. Lionel Richie first found fame in the Commodores. He was once, twice, three times a Vic 20. 2. Richie wrote his hit 'Dancing on the Ceiling' about hallucinating being a spider. In the late 80s he remixed it to be about a House Spider. 3. Lionel is big in Iraq. ABC News said, "Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere mention of his name." Hope the American military don't overthrow him and replace him with a puppet government. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hello:11 >> Sledding crow << Science can do many things. It can make a woman have three tits. It can put badgers on the moon. But can it explain this? Only witchcraft can explain this. End of days. http://www.b3ta.com/links/So_imagine_you_are_a_cro... >> 'First Hardcore Song' by 8yr-old Juliet << Imagine your dad is a really keen record producer? You'll love him aged 8, but who knows what you'll think aged 13. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "Wet as an otter's pocket" << A lesson in why reading out the comments from Twitter on live TV might not be the best idea ever. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Awww_Bless:3 >> Young rappers take a stand against cussing << B3ta has waged a long-standing campaign against swearing - it's immoral and offensive. Our particular strategy is to overdose the world with profanity; aversion therapy basically. Others prefer prohibition: http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Ken Lee! << Valentina Hasan - contestent on a Bulgarian talent show - mangles Without You (as made famous by Mariah Carey). http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : "FUNNY" AMAZON REVIEWS B3ta: redefining "funny" as "shit" since 2001 * 55-GALLON DRUM OF LUBE - "As a Fertility Specialist for Pachyderms, this was exactly what we needed to help rebuild elephant populations all over sub-Saharan Africa. It's not all just Medications and IVF treatments. Some times you need a loudspeaker, a Barry White CD and a 55-Gallon drum of Lube." http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005MR3IVO/... * LOREM IPSUM THE NOVEL - "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut sed lorem at neque congue porttitor. Etiam condimentum venenatis pretium. Nullam pellentesque viverra nisi..." Classic. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006YVL5G... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from Right to Parody Challenge Last week we wanted you to make parody images to support the "Right to Parody" campaign - to help encourage a law change to allow parody. Your favourites included: * TIN TIN MEHA MASH UP - featuring everyone's favourite based-upon-blackfaced-minstrel cartoon Mickey Mouse. (Brian O'Blivion) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10658921 * TORY PARTY LOGO REWORKED - in light of their wonderful attempt to smash disability benefits. (Bela Lugosi's Dad) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10657861 * MCDONALDS PENIS - because Ronald's mayo is so delicious. (Happytoast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10659009 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/righttoparody/ >> New challenge: Stock photos << Take these crap stock photos. Photoshop them - what could be simpler? http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stock/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PINGU vs THE THING in the Daily Mail - will they think Lee Hardcastle's a morality menace? Perhaps more excitingly, John Carpenter, director of the original film, tweeted to say how much he loved the claymation. http://bit.ly/w5Sxwz * MORE CASHPOINT EASTER EGG - "The 780 seen by your previous correspondent shows that £780 is the maximum dispense amount per transaction," writes the enigmatic Mr Secrets. "The dispensers are hardware-limited to not dispensing more than 40 notes, even if the software tells them to, because that’s the maximum width of the dispense slot. In this case, this system’s programmer has been cautious to not trigger that and has limited it to 39 notes: 39 x £20 - £780." * SLOWEST PEE EVER - "It's just a case of exercising your Kegel muscles to gain the requisite control," claims Emily Dubberley. "Women have lots of options, from simply flexing and releasing the muscles, to buying specialised equipment. There aren't currently any Kegel exercisers for men but you can DIY by using a wet flannel. Here is how (bottom of the page):" http://bit.ly/zywb9J * PANTOMIME HORSE RACE - "I'm looking to stage a special pantomime horse 'equestrian'-style event in Greenwich during the Olympics," says mr_mekon. "Would you mind linking to footage from the previous one, so I can present it to Greenwich Powers That Be and convince them of its popularity online? Myself and a few other b3tans who help put this together are doing it for Demelza Children's Hospice, but help from other b3tans would be very welcome, if they want to get involved and/or back the bid." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Abobo's Big Adventure Eight levels, each a homage to NES games, including Double Dragon, Zelda, Contra, Megaman & Punch Out. A visual delight. http://www.abobosbigadventure.com/fullgame.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * POSTAL SOCIAL NETWORK - would you be extradited to the US if you set up a social network to swap VHS copies of the DVDs via post? * SEO TACTICS FOR SONGWRITING - what dick is going to be the first to game Spotify by making their track names: 1. The Beatles 2. Pink Floyd 3. U2 etc. * QUIZZES WE'RE TOO LAZY TO MAKE - Will Self OR Red Hot Chilli Peppers Drummer; Katy Perry OR Zooey Deschanel OR Emily Blunt; even Miranda Hart OR Chris Langham. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Gods: [email protected] Shits: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @paulcnelson, nowaydude, @TomDavenport, @Marc_Gascoigne, carly, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, @danjordan, smaggers, @arthurCRS, @lifson, mr.dogshit, The Lord Gideon, Chopper3, @bounder, boris the spider, c_kick, drbroon, Whato_Jeeves. Top Tippery by Undercovercarrot. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Ambulance person posts on B3ta recommending stuff you shouldn't do, if you ever need their services. Including a death threat. Yay! http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post120481 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive