we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BOB HOLNESS: NUS DECLARES WEEK OF MOURNING" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PINGU - Claymation horror * RAMPAGE - Cement mixer runs amok * QUESTIONS - Tons of your comments and stories ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web... ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- Today is Women's Christmas - an Irish tradition where men do the housework for the day, and girls go out on the lash and vomit up a kebab. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making bombs to kill Tories >> Pingu vs. The Thing: Thingu << Claymation body horror with everyone's favourite Swiss penguin. Leehardcastle ladles on the gore like an explosion in a Jackson Pollock factory. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pingus_THE_THING >> Lean on the Wind << "Arnie should record more poetry," reckons swedemason, indicating this moving scene from Kindergarten Cop. Like watching bad movies on acid. Isn't that the real meaning of Christmas? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lean_on_the_wind:3 >> Transformers Trilogy: Abridged! << "If you like explosions, you should probably watch all three Transformers' films at half the speed so all those explosions are ten times the intended intensity," advises woahbot, wisely. Failing that, you'll have a better experience with his own, severely cut-down and drunkenly narrated version. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Transformers_trilogy_Abr... >> Black Moon's Christmas 2011 << "This is how my Christmas went," writes Black Moon. Remind us to avoid him around his birthday. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Moons_Christmas_20... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEEK BEFORE LAST Your Weird Rituals Following the disturbing revelation that Prime Minister of this small island holds in his piss in order to concentrate on pissing off the whole of Europe, we asked what you lot did regularly: http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdrituals/ * SEX FACTOR - "I count out the rhythm of any sexual activity by resolving the dates of famous historical events into their prime factors. So the Battle of Hastings is 14101066 which resolves to 2 x 7 x 773 x 1303. But I'm only allowed to climax when the event has three or fewer factors. So Henry VIII took the throne on 21 April 1509 which is 19 x 269 x 419. Bingo. Moneyshot. If there is only one factor then I allow myself to defecate while I ejaculate. Which is why I love JFK." (Dr. Shambolic) * TEA. HOT. - "Whenever I get a hot beverage from a vending machine I always say the name of what I'm ordering in the style of Captain Picard and pretend that the vending machine is a replicator." (WormuIus) ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK BEFORE LAST Killed to Death Whilst we were in a jolly christmassy mood we wanted to know what you'd terminated: http://b3ta.com/questions/killedtodeath/ * PIGEON - "On the way home from work, my wife calls, distraught and sobbing. I pulled over and thought 'Oh shit, who's dead?' Tried to get her to calm down and, finally, after about 5 minutes, she began to tell me. The cat brought in a big pigeon but hadn't slotted the bastard. It was honking its head off half flapping around the room. My missus, concerned for its welfare elected to put the blood-soaked wobble-headed twat out of its misery. New to this, she didn't know the best way to do it, but something in her head told her to put on a pair of rubber gloves, pick the bluntest knife in the drawer and attempt to saw its head off. On contact, it went mental, feathers flying everywhere, as if Starsky, Hutch, Smokey, the Bandit AND the A-Team had driven through stacked boxes of chickens. Eventually, after a long, drawn-out decapitation, she spent an hour cleaning the blood-and-feather murder scene, sobbing her heart out. Throughout this, I was doing that laughing silently on the other end of the phone, tears rolling down my face, trying make the occasional 'mmm' noise and tutting. After I told her she should have just twatted it hard against the wall, she really started wailing and asked 'Do you think I made it suffer?' I burst out laughing and, when I got home, a cold shoulder was forthcoming and there was no sex to be had." (Spaff_Quaffer) ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Heroes and Villains of 2011 We did this for 2010 and it was great, so we asked for your heroes and villains of 2011. There's too many to list, so read them online: http://b3ta.com/questions/heroes2011/ >> This Week's Question - BOOKS FOR 2012 << We like books. We love books. Tell us about your favourite books and authors, and why they are so good or need chucking out of a moving train: http://b3ta.com/questions/books2012/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Scotch whisky in a can << Eight shots of whisky in a non-resealable can. Can't foresee that going wrong. http://goo.gl/wmO7k >> File-sharing religion << The Swedish government has just officially recognised the Missionary Church of Kopimism as a legitimate religion. Since Kopimism is based on freely copying and sharing information, it'll be interesting to see what the legal ramifications are for file-sharers. http://goo.gl/aueZX >> Goths up trees << Quality photos of goths in the wild. They've clambered into the forest canopy to feast on their main prey; red wine and clove cigarettes. http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/ >> Learn to code this year << If you're still stuck for a new year's resolution, why not join the ranks of the nerderati? A wonderful meme to spread - learn some shit man, don't just consume pictures of funny kittens. http://codeyear.com >> Sack Boris Oyster card wallets << London Mayor BoJo's latest fare rises have driven the price up by 50% since he gained power. Celebrate the occasion with 'commemorative' Oyster wallets. BTW, we would like one with a decal of his face, so you're stuffing the card down his enormous throat. http://sackboris2012.com/fares/ >> So Solid Crew band member list << Wikipedia's epic and fully-inclusive listing of every individual fortunate enough to be a member of the legendary urban music collective. No longer on wiki, due to the trifling detail of it not being true. http://t.co/Cz7CGVmB ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if paintings could move. And talk. >> How blind people cook << In case you've ever wondered, this guy shows you how to cook when blind (and also quite drunk). http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Rampaging cement mixer << Surprisingly funny vid of builders attempting to corral an out-of-control machine. Improved the snarky comments of the blokes filming it from their window. http://www.b3ta.com/links/722233 >> Old-school shuffling << The joy of flash loops. People should do more flash loops. The internet was good in 2001. http://t.co/KKULAc9M >> Bullfrog plays Ant Crusher << Much like the iPhone-playing lizard recently featured, this frog enjoys games based on killing insects. However, he doesn't like interruptions. http://goo.gl/PeImh >> How to make a mini stove << Potentially life-saving tips, if you find yourself without a cooker but with two cans of fizzy pop, a stanley knife and some dangerously volatile anti-freeze. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_make_a_mini_stove >> CUTE/FUNNY CATS ARE OVER << And who better to tell us this, than a funny cat on the internet? http://www.b3ta.com/links/YES:16 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Hats Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate hats Your favourites included: * HESELTINE - magnificently storyboarded old-skool game bonanza (shiro kuma) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646357 * RHETT - seminal movie farewell millinery expansion joy (The Twisted Omentum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646030 * WIND - glorious dog risk storm adventure animation (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646614 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/morehats/ >> New challenge: The Jubilee Stamp << A series of special stamps will be released throughout 2012 to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. They'll be shite. Your job is to design some magnificent alternatives. Challenge suggested by The Twisted Omentum http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jubileestamp/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * YOUR PISSY EMAILS - Young Master Ploppy writes, 'A follow-up on the "estimating your piss" challenge in this week's newsletter. It's totally possible to fill 2 pint glasses in one standing; I've done it. The trick is to be at altitude and not fully acclimatised yet. In the darkest depths of a desperately cold night in Nepal (minus 24C *inside*, never mind outside) this January, I shuddered out of my sleeping bag and grabbed for my 1-litre glow-in-the-dark nalgene piss bottle, praying it would be quick so I could get my gloves back on and dive back into the bag... No such luck. I pissed and pissed and pissed some more, filling the entire bottle without a pause and even having to choke it off at the end to avoid a nasty overspill. Then stuck the top back on the bottle and slept with its welcoming warmth around my freezing cold bum until morning. Never have I cuddled up to warm piss with such enthusiasm.' * MORE BOARD GAME MASHUPS - Trivial Chesssuit writes, "A few years ago, at The-Pub-With-No-Name, Hampshire I invented Trivial Per-Jenga. Get a question wrong and you have to take a block out and place it on the top. Play passes to the right. Beautifully simple and most entertaining." * THAT WHISTLER GUY VIDEO IN THE NEWSLETTER LAST YEAR REDUBBED - oh for the lols. http://goo.gl/U11lJ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Two-way game action * GREEK PUNISHMENT GAME - In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity. Now imagine that as an 8-bit flash game. http://goo.gl/n5C9R * PAPER PRINTY-OUT BOARD GAMES - @jingies writes, "free make-it-yourself board games. Played over Christmas, and Spree is great fun." http://bit.ly/ykVgyL ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * STEPHEN HAWKING ON TWITTER. It would only take a couple of extra lines of code. Everything he says. In realtime. On twitter. * CASHPOINT EASTER EGGS - @NLi10 writes, "Typing an amount of money to withdraw into a ATM not divisible by 5 tells you how much is left in the machine." Sounds like bollocks to us but can anyone confirm this? * LONGEST TROLL PAY-OFF EVER - Can we start a big cult to say the world is going to end in 2050? Just to, you know, troll our grandkids? * SHEPHERD'S DELIGHT - cook a delicious mix of Shepherd's Pie and Angel Delight. Yum. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sexy time: [email protected] Fighty time: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @mattround, Amorous Badger, churchillbenj, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Mandrake, STRIPEERTW, mrandrist, robneymcplum, pissflaps, skeltonator, a_gnome, Fluffster, mildlydiverting, Kelly_Harrison, TonyMaddison, jds. Top Tippery by A Vagabond. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Finite. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Ensure a good night's sleep and pleasantly clear head the following morning by not going to bed drunk again. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive