we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ASK DAVID HASSELHOFF YOUR QUESTIONS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CAT GIF + MUSIC - The best thing ever * WHISTLING - taken to a whole new level * CONSPIRACY - Your pet theories explained ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Bears, Nazis, Jesus, Beans & Ham >> Coke Polar Bears find a wormhole << Coca Cola's new Christmas advert takes an unwarranted turn. "I'm doing 25 vids leading up to Christmas" explains an ambitious dogfood, "This is only no.2." http://goo.gl/1jzZY >> Freigeist << "This weekend I made a game with 3 random guys I didn't know at all (from Australia and the USA - what a time zone nightmare!)" explains MarkP0rter. Use the power of hallucinations (and your arrow keys) to escape the death camp of nazi lizards. http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/585053 >> Jesus (Baby with a Beard) << "Dear mister rob," comes the little note down our chimney. "Please can you give our festive nativity video a shout in your mailout?" Knut & the Gang have truly blown the special effects budget for this sacrilegious Christmas miracle. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Baked Beanz << "This is a bit weird - that's why I thought I'd plop it on b3ta first," offers totally eustus, proving that beans are indeed the musical fruit. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baked_Beanz >> Ham. Ham ham HAM HAM HAMHAMHAMHAMHAMHAMHAM << "We made a ham thing!" squeals Joel Veitch, reminding us of the true meaning of Christmas. Dressing your friend's wife in a ham bikini, crushing things with a pig's leg, digitally adding flames. FYI: All of Joel's home videos are like this. http://b3ta.com/links/Ham_For_Victory ------------------------------------------------- : ASK DAVID HASSELHOFF He's touring UK and we're asking him stuff David Hasselhoff is doing some UK gigs ('An Audience With...' kind of thing; anecdotes and even singing) and we figured it would be fun to get B3tans to ask him some questions. The plan is we'll go and meet him on Monday, armed with your questions, video it, and stick it all online. So what do you fancy asking him? C'mon, you must have a question for the Hoff? http://www.b3ta.com/questions/AskDavidHasselhoff/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Conspiracy Theories Last week we asked for your favourite conspiracy theories - the ones so good you almost believe them. Tinfoil time: http://b3ta.com/questions/conspiracytheories/ * BADGER BADGER BADGER - "When I was wee, my family would amuse ourselves on the interminable car journey to Devon by counting the roadkill and guessing what it was; a macabre version of those iSpy books. "A badger!" I exclaimed, pointing out of the window with glee at a mutilated corpse on the hard shoulder. 'Don't be silly,' my mum said, a smile playing at her lips that at the age of seven I was yet to recognise as 'I am going to troll my child for shits and giggles', 'Badgers don't exist.' The world I thought I knew was a fiction. Those funny black-and-white big-rat animals were in fact entirely made-up. What else was untrue? I had already dealt with the discovery that Santa, God and the Tooth Fairy were lies. Was anything real any more? I whimpered. 'But that looked like a badger,' I protested. 'They're pretend,' my mum insisted. 'Someone plants them on the roadside as a trick.' For years, I took it to be true. Badgers weren't real. It stayed with me until my teenage years, when a chubby, awkward Queen of Cheesecake decided to show off her superiority by correcting someone who claimed to have seen a badger. 'Don't be silly,' I said. 'Badgers don't exist.' The chorus of laughter still rings in my ears." (Queen of Cheesecake) * TITS TITS TITS - "The X-Files, the cult 90s Sci-fi TV series created by Chris Carter was all about alien invasions and conspiracies and would Agents Mulder and Scully get it on. However you may not have realised that there was a hidden agenda behind the series. No one asks why he was called Fox. It isn't a common name and it's never questioned in the series. Some think that it is because the program is made by 20th Century FOX, but this misses the hidden message. One of the driving points was Mulder's search for his missing sister. Mulder's missing sister is called Samantha. Add her brother's name and you get 80s Page 3 Stunna, Samantha Fox. Chris Carter was in league with 20th Century Fox, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch, to bring the Sun newspaper, also owned by Rupert Murdoch, and Page 3 girls to the US through subliminal mentions of its biggest star. This may seem far fetched but if you read the X-Files encyclopeda and look closely at the original script on page 18 you can see that in the first draft, Agent Scully was originally called Agent Busty McTitts." (lordofallhesurveys) * MM DD YY - "Americans only put their dates in the wrong order to make it look as if they have a large number of very short months. The rationale behind this is currently unknown, but is undoubtedly sinister." (StapMyVitals) >> This Week's: Biggest sexual regret << We'd like your biggest sexual regrets: http://b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Animated cat GIFS + music << The internet always seemed a bit pointless. UNTIL NOW. http://procatinator.com >> 9/11-inspired office block << Not sure we'd like to work here very much. Also the trees are an optimistic touch; the wind there would be awful. http://twurl.nl/om2t4c >> 3D comic << Not shitty Hollywood 3D, more like the parallax scrolling you'd get in ambitious 8-bit fighting games like Way of the Tiger. Keeping our references up to date there. http://hobolobo.net/ >> Genetic portraits << Guy photoshops together members of the same family, with fascinating results. http://goo.gl/Gipf7 >> The 53 worst family Christmas photos << Amusingly goofy-looking families. But remember, a family is the best defence against all the shit the world throws at you, even if they are terminally uncool. http://www.topito.com/top-pires-photos-famille-noe... >> Microwave for One book << Amusing reviews - "It used to be that I got home from work and the only thing I'd want to put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my grandfather's shotgun. Then I discovered Sonia Allison's Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there are two things." http://goo.gl/KAGGL ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Exactly like TV, without the depressing news >> David Attenborough's Wonderful World << The BBC's most incredible nature-porn, combined with Attenborough's mellifluous tones - what a wonderful world indeed. http://t.co/9d16I5Vp >> 90s Computer games addiction << A premonitory warning from 1990, as TV cameras follow the plight of a 13-year-old boy addicted to playing games. Now we're all at it. http://www.f1a.me/b2L33 >> Epic whistler << Chunk of talk show gold, as a luxuriantly be-mulleted man whistles his heart out. Worth checking out faces in audience, as people are simultaneously delighted and bemused. http://t.co/IMg71hFH >> Fun with maths << Enthusiastic mathematician James Grime explains how to work out the shortest road between four towns. Genuinely ace and reminded us of really enjoying maths at school (but pretending not to because it just wasn't cool). http://www.b3ta.com/links/Math >> School portrait << Jaded photographer tries to teach kids to be unhappy. The result is, of course, adorable. http://www.b3ta.com/links/School_portrait >> Operatic human road bridge << It seems unfair to criticise this bloke's ability to hold a tune, as he's lying in the ground and being driven over by cars. Repeat this stunt for the X-Factor final please. http://youtu.be/6DKgstOctyQ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny as "funny bone" not "funny ha ha" * CLIFF "THE VAGINA HUNTER" RICHARD - an amusing edit on Wikipedia caught by Google. http://goo.gl/lkOkF * DUTCH POLITICIAN - tomtarrell writes, "One for your funny names corner. The unfortunately named Dutch politician, Mr Tiny Kox. He probably drives a Ferrari." http://goo.gl/j40HT * GOATSE BOOK - aljwhite writes, "I was looking for economics books on Amazon. Surprised to find a Goatse." Hmm, never realised Superman was just a big goatse. http://goo.gl/J0u8w * MORE SCAT - dazsnow writes, "Jumping on the scat bandwagon, there is a popular clothing band that you'll find in shopping centres in China, alongside H&M, Zara and so on. It's called 'Scat' and despite selling mainly pink girly styles and me being a manly man, I once ventured into the shop just to ask the assistants what exactly they thought 'Scat' meant in English. 'Why, Sexy Cat of course' came the reply. Well that's cleared that one up then. This link is all in Chinese but the 3 English words add testimony to my report." http://baike.baidu.com/view/1680863.htm * HAIRY EBAY AUCTION - @themella writes, "Looks like a bear that's clipper-shaved everything but its wrists." http://goo.gl/hkOlX ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Acronyms Challenge Last week we wanted you to misinterpret acronyms, or invents new ones Your favourites included: * NSFW - whatever you do, don't click. Just don't (Bobby Bob Bob) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10620052 * DRIFT - spectacular driving from wheelchair-bound physicist (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10623734 * B3TA - mighty yet disturbing Star Wars/ Total Recall mashup (Q4nobody.co.uk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10620102 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-acronyms/ >> New challenge: NASA << This week's challenge is to boldly go where no man has been before, and 'shop NASA's extensive photo archive. Moon stuff. Space ships, etc. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nasa/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FREE HAPPYTOAST XMAS CARDS - "Blue Peter style original artwork for sale and general charity tin shaking", offers tip-top photoshop gent HappyToast. http://www.happytoast.co.uk/Xmas11.html * SEXY YEAST BREAD - sittingduck writes, "Is it possible to make dough with flour and a yeast infection? Sort of... a lactobacillus can be used; it's at least partly related to the Candida-type of yeast that causes thrush. Both are present in the healthy human body. The bread is called sourdough. To make sourdough, get some bread flour (wholemeal is best for the starter), add water till it's a sort of spunk-consistency paste, and let the yeast in the air get to it. Wave it around your kitchen for a bit. Then cover it with cling-film and stick it somewhere warm for a week till it's bubbly. Next, find one of the 100,000,000 sourdough recipes online on how to make it. It's trickier than the packets but tastes awesome." * CYRIAK INTERVIEW - the king of Adobe After Effects fesses up all. http://goo.gl/zL5Mx ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Estimate your piss The next time you need a wee, take a guess at the quantity (1 pint? 2 pints?). Carry at least four pint glasses to the loo and see if you're right. To play this game is to win. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COMIC SANS BANDS - Do a project where you remake band logos and album covers with comic sans. And clipart. * LEGO DEFRAG - Araucaria asks, "I'd put together a Lego construction with the kids and had the urge to rearrange the bricks so the colours were grouped instead of being mixed up. What it needed was a Lego defrag, but I'm too talentless to animate such a thing, so if anyone wants an idea..." * TURNIP CAKE - Can you make a carrot cake but use turnips? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sexy people: [email protected] Wankers: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by some twat with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Webboinit, mart.simpson, oAmadeuso, Hellzapoppin, a_gnome, Tribs, Beau Bo D'Or, sinisterduck, bigandclever, @sadeagle, @TheMichaelMoran, King Ralph, GoldBarr & augsav. Top Tippery by Theophilous Thunderwulf. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Save money on expensive toilet paper by wanking straight into the toilet. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive