we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S WOOLLY AND BUILDING THREE BOMBS? BAA BAA MEINHOF" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * AMAZING PROJECTS - Nick Griffin Puppet! * STASI HUMOUR - East German jokes * PICS - Ugly Renaissance Babies ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than making their wills >> People parking like cunts << "Me and a mate started this blog a month or so ago," writes Fray Brentos. "Now we have it in a suitable size and shape to begin sharing it around. Spamcunts be damned - I've been here for ages!" NSFW for swears. http://youparklikeacunt.tumblr.com/ >> Orangutan stunt << Seeing a silly man on a Tube train thrashing around to some late 80s pop music is kind of funny and this is obviously for charity so we shouldn't really be mean about it. But if we found ourselves stuck in a crowded carriage with this fuckwit first thing in the morning, the obvious response would be to tar and feather him, set fire to his fluffy costume and throw him in the Thames for good measure. Or just nervously look at the floor. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Optic Trumps << "So I made a Top Trumps set based on eye-glasses of the rich and famous," writes Wildyles. "I finally stumped up the cash to get a print run done, so if you would like a copy then let me know." An unusual but nicely-executed idea and a perfect gift for all your four-eyed family members this Christmas. http://www.optictrumps.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK NUMBER TWO! HOORAY! #1 Xmas Record "The greatest Christmas single of all time," according to a website. This is the 4th annual re-release of Language of Prairie Dogs' Xmas song, 'Lone Giant'. It's already been downloaded by over 30 people! There are some 7"s left over from last year too, if anyone wants. Thanks for listening and, please, tell your friends. http://bit.ly/Number1XmasRecord ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Amazing projects Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for projects. Not the most replies we've ever got but the quality was very high indeed. Gosh you are a creative bunch. We'd be proud to share a shed with you. We suggest you read the lot, including people who build scale models of the moon (with pictures), an amazing scalextrix and someone who made a life-size Spitting Image-style puppet head of Nick Griffin. Respect. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/amazingprojects/ >> This Week: Put-Downs << What's the best heckle/putdown/riposte you've ever seen, heard or been on the wrong end of? http://www.b3ta.com/questions/putdowns/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Women's Hour has gone downhill << We all sniggered at the plummy-voiced old dear trilling: "I'm just amazed he TOSSED it without making a mess." Let's hope she really was referring to a salad and not Jeremy Clarkson. http://goo.gl/BlwR3 >> Ugly Renaissance Babies << Only a mother could love them. Or a 16th century painter. http://uglyrenaissancebabies.tumblr.com >> My fucking name is: << This collection of rants will strike a chord with anyone whose name's been misspelled by people who should know better - such as teachers writing your school report. Yes, we mean you, Mrs. Denton. We haven't forgotten. http://myfuckingnameis.tumblr.com/ >> Pedestrian rollercoaster << Loving this German roller coaster-style walkway, which also works as a sculpture. It's functional but fantastic and we want one now. http://t.co/07SZX7jK >> East German humour << Last year Paul Chambers got busted for making a gag on Twitter about blowing up an airport. We all thought that was terrible but, in East Germany, getting nicked for making jokes was common. This fact gives these seemingly-safe bits of humour a bit of an edge. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes >> Amusing eBay thing << Yes, this really was on eBay. Keep reading - the details are delicious. http://www.bitbroken.com/2011/11/it-smells-of-deat... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a cracked laser disc that needs cleaning >> Benson benson benson BENSOOON BENSOOOOON!!! << The panicked deer clip that's everywhere this week - including useless reports on local news. It would be remiss not to link to it and/or get the dog's name wrong. http://goo.gl/Nu6LT Not forgetting the million parody remixes: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jurassic_Benton >> Trololol stretched 800% << Eduard Khil's slowly smiling face makes us think of the notorious installation where artist Douglas Gordon extended Hitchcock movie Psycho for 24hrs. Do this with porn and make your own Sting sex tape. http://goo.gl/7Y6B5 >> Arnie fucking loves Total Recall << The actual commentary track off of Total Recall with all of director Paul Verhoeven's contributions edited out, leaving only Arnie, pointlessly describing everything we can see. It's like a movie from a parallel universe where the visuals are great but the scripts are piss-poor. Like every Michael Bay film ever. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arnie_Fucking_Loves_Tota... >> The man who makes things fly << "My friend Rupert," writes skeltonator, "is a bit of an insane genius. As a result he has this compunction to invent mad stuff - for example, a flying barbecue and a flying washing machine." Magical. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_man_who_makes_things... >> Toilet sketch << We loved this clip from the Irish TV show "Your Bad Self" that reveals what can happen if you're caught short on a car journey. Ew. http://t.co/fzxZ8WoQ >> Carlsberg stunt << Sitting next to the scary person in the cinema is never fun and we felt for the couples forced to share their night at the flicks with a crowd of menacing, leather-clad bikers. Fortunately, it turns out to be worth it in the end. http://t.co/9kVCitxZ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Two for the price of zero * SPANISH LOLS - valentin.lagunilla writes, "Only in Spain!!!" http://www.scat.es * THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE - the Xmas card all the idiots will be sending this year: http://twitpic.com/3ipmek ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Misplaced Props Challenge Last week we wanted you to take a prop from one film and insert it into another Your favourites included: * ARNIE - "Ell-i-ott? I'll be back." (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605161 * BEAN - continuity error as British Leyland Mini 1000 appears in the Italian Job Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605503 * EWOK - Ice Cold on Endor (Ninj) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605310 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/props/ >> New challenge: Spoons << This week's challenge is an elegant, simple, one-word affair: Spoons. Your job is to celebrate their magnificence. Challenge inspired by Smash Monkey. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoons/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FAN MAIL - DOMINICK LAGRECA writes, "THIS EMAILS I GET FROM YOU ARE AWESOME. ILOVE TO OPEN THEM AND LAUGH AT SOME OF THEM. WERE AND HOW DO THEY KET THE IDEAS TO MAKE SUCH A WEBSITE?AND WERE IS EVERYONE FROM? THANK YOU." * SANTACON - 5ifty0 writes, "Hi B3ta, the last time I sent you a message was nearly a year ago asking you to mention SantaCon in the weekly newsletter and thanks for doing so! With this in mind, on behalf of the entire SantaCon(gregation?) I officially invite you to take part in this year's activities - which are going to be fucking awesome. I'll buzz you with another request to put it into the newsletter on the 9th, because SantaCon is on the 10th this year. If you see a giant red Halo-esque Spartan (a.k.a Santa 117) that'll be me - would be great to get some more b3tans in on the action this year! Cheers!" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * AN OFF SWITCH FOR TWITTER - we recently did two weeks off and felt much more cheerful for it. * THE CONCENTRATION SPAN TO READ BOOKS AGAIN - the bloke who wrote "The Shallows" is right, or we think he's right but our phone started bleeping after chapter two and we didn't finish it. * A USE FOR WET CAT FOOD - we've got about 200 packets of the stuff and the smell of it makes the official B3ta wife vomit so we can't feed the cat with it. Any ideas? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yah oogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by some awful cunt & David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @thesaharadesert, timoncheese, Tim Whitwell, @DFLamont krang, PointlessCamel, Ysol, WiL, @brokenscience, @martin_gleeson & @PGJMatthews. Top Tippery by SonoraAeroClub. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Pretend you are a Premier League footballer by drawing all over one of your arms in Biro. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive