we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA - NOT ASKED TO RUN 'CHILDREN IN NEED' SITE FOR 10 YEARS RUNNING" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SONG - Santa's laughter mocks the poor * QUIZ - Monkeon's Movie/Book quiz * LOOPS - How to loop YouTube videos ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Sticking tin foil ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then speak at us with your email fingers. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than makin' whoopie >> Santa's laughter mocks the poor << Christmas comes but once a year (although the evil gnomes at Toys'r'us are currently lobbying government for an additional summer Christmas - Sunmas), and as we're pointing out - it's about cash. Sucking your money to buy tat built in China for the kids. This year we're giving the children a PDF copy of Das Kapital that they can print out themselves. In the original German. Similar anti-Christmas sentiments also available from theatterysquash who writes, "With this week's news of recession, unemployment and fiscal misery, what better way to acknowledge the fact that *everybody* is now dreading Xmas than with a puppety pop song...." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Monkeon's Book quiz << Clever Monkeon has observed that books often get new covers when they're changed into films - but can you guess what book is what film from the original cover art? More films that you probably imagine started as books. Including Spunky Nurses 5. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/bookmovies/ >> What Modern Toss did next... << "Hi B3ta", writes Jon Link of Modern Toss fame, "Hope you're well, here's a link to some new animation we've just done, 'Business Mouse' Any chance you could put it up on b3ta?" Oh go on then, seeing as it's some kind of mouse based satire on neoliberalist hegemony. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Minecraft Rap << "I made a rap song about Minecraft", writes Dan Bull, "Can you spot the B3ta easter egg? It's quite obvious..." Amusing song, but we've never got round to playing Minecraft as it's not available for iOS. *Googles* oh, it is, that's us fucked for ever working or speaking to our family or friends ever again. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_made_a_rap_song_about_... ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Bored of Turkey? 60 Gourmet Recipes, no Turkeys, promise Ah Xmas Food. Heston's making pine needle mince pies. Fortunately Jamie's split up with Sainsbury's, so no more feeding shopping centres in Middle England. Instead feast your eyes, your brain & above all your belly on Great British Chefs new Feastive App. It's only two quid & we'll even chuck in an extra 45 recipes on 1st Dec. Call it an early Crimbo pressie. http://togbc.com/mRUMLk ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Money saving tips As the economy has never been better and we're all shitting cash on easy street we're asking for your tips on how to save your money for a rainy day. You never know, this boom might not last. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/savingmoney/ * SAVE THE COST OF THE DAILY MAIL - by finding the angriest tramp you can and asking them what they think of the darkies. (apeloverage) * SAVE MONEY ON EXPENSIVE BATTERIES - only put them in clocks when you need to know the time. (ya_what?) * WHEN FEEDING DUCKS IN THE PARK - soak your bread in Rohypnol. That way you get a free dinner, and you can do what you like to it before you pluck it. (edjogs) >> This Week: Amazing Projects << We here at B3ta love it when a plan comes together. Tell us about incredible projects and stuff you've built by your own hand. Go on, gloat away. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/amazingprojects/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * WRITE 100 WORDS AND GET A KITTEN - oddly thoughtful bit of dare we say it web art. What are you going to type for 100 words? Your deepest feelings? Or just asddffg x 100? http://writtenkitten.net/ * GOOGLE DOODLE TROLLING - you know how Google changes their logo every-so-often to pretend they're not evil? Why not send in your own? http://milkfordeadhamsters.com/blog/google-doodle * WEIRD NSFW ART - collection of animated gifs and web efemera that's a bit like a collective experience of the internet. All OMG LOOK AT THIS and no narrative or context. http://blackbootybitches.tumblr.com/ * BEST FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST EVER - detailing a sign put up in a university complaining about the students wanking. http://bit.ly/vj2O3a * NOW AND THEN PHOTOS - the meme of recreating old photos continues with the work of Irina Werning. Warning. Contains the odd bit of nudity. http://irinawerning.com/bttf2/back-to-the-future-2... * WOULD YOU SURVIVE A NUKE - type in your postcode and hum Two Tribes by Frankie goes to Hollywood for more 80s cold war paranoia. We'd be dead before Holly had even moistened his lips to sing. http://www.wouldisurviveanuke.com ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH My cat is a dick Possibly might be a bit more eww than aahh especially the photo of cat vomit on the keyboard. http://www.mycatisadick.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like real life but with a 'tweet this' button * LOOPING YOUTUBES - if you go back into the history of B3ta you'll know we liked looping things. Badgers, the B-B-B-Birmingham song etc. There's awesomeness in loops that just gets lost when you watch a video. Anyway, here's a neat tool to bring that back. Take it away Kate Bush, spin forever. http://goo.gl/9aDSd * MORE BOLLYWOOD MADNESS - CLDBellot writes, "I see your 'Most OTT Bollywood stunt ever' and I raise you this......the greatest action sequence in the history of film!" This is extraordinary. We don't have the words. http://www.youtube.com/watch * TIME LAPSE VIEW FROM SPACE - if you ever want to truly understand we are one world and all the nationalism is just divide and conquer bollocks then look at our planet from space. http://vimeo.com/32001208 * ESCAPE THE MAP - some advertising tosh for a car but done with a really nice trapped in google maps plot that's genuinely sinister and should be a film. http://www.escapethemap.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Increasing inaccurately named but sod it * WOW! AMAZING NETBOOK BARGAIN ON AMAZON! - Buy one before they change the price. UPDATE! They've removed the price - it was about £1000, but still worth a quick look for the amusing reviews: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005N6ZFS... * NOBWATCH - cataloguing all the stupid pictures of things that look a bit like a penis so that we don't have to. BTW: NobwatchUK? We learnt a new word the other day "glocal" meaning basically everyone globally got the same shit locally, customised slightly for their region. Woo hoo. http://nobwatchuk.blogspot.com * OOH A PLACE WITH A HAHAHA HILARIOUS NAME - call a doctor our sides are splitting. Not because of laughter, but we've stuck a blade into our abdomen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knob_Lick,_Missouri * AWESOME HEADLINE IS AWESOME - best ever rude headline until the next best ever turns up. Or we run this one again by accident. http://i.imgur.com/MNbN6.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : WRONG SOAP When kitchen hacks go bad Last week we pondered about sticking the sticking Fairy in the washing machine and teabags in kettles etc. You engaged with this thusly: * SMELLY - jameskhedley writes, "I put Fairy in the dishwasher a while ago, just to see what would happen. Lots of bubbles, relatively clean but a *horrible* smell. Oh, do not wash your hair with Daz, you will get Dermatitis." * KETTLE EGGS - Dog writes, "Peruvian ex-housemate of mine boiled eggs in the kettle, seemed to work ok for a while but then kettle blew up." * EMAIL FROM JAILBIRD, wotbuddha writes, "TOP TIP: Don't put a teabag in the kettle. I played a prank on a cellmate, hoping we'd both chortle as when he poured his water out for a cuppa, it'd already be brewed! Oh how we'd laugh. Instead, cue foamy boily water going all over his chilli con carne, him blowing his top, shouting "you fucking cunt" and the screws getting involved, saying if he doesn't calm down he'll go to seg(regation). Basically, he was a bit of a cunt, and they thought it was pretty fucking funny." We rather like the thought of B3ta being read in prison. Maybe it gets swapped for snout? Two old newsletters for an ounce of baccy? Or you could print it out, fold it into a weapon and stab someone? ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Colour in Lizard Challenge' Last week we wanted you to colour in a lizard. Our favourites included: * PLAY 'EM OFF BONGO LIZARD - if there were any justice in this world this would be a meme that was everywhere. (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10601620 * THE ROYAL FAMILY ARE BLOOD DRINKING LIZARDS - well some of them anyway. (DavidIcke, no sorry, Arctisticus ) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10600487 * TITANIC - "Jack, I want you to colour me in like one of your French girls...." (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10598773 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/colourthelizard/ >> New challenge: Misplaced Props << This week's challenge is very straightforward: take a prop from one film, and insert it hilariously/inappropriately/cleverly into another. Challenge suggested by Drunken Miss Hopeless. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/props/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TAN ARTWORK ON THE TUBE - ages ago we ran an image challenge partly in conjunction with ArtBelow (not sponsored, they just suggested we did it and the B3tans voted for it). Drbroon writes, "I thought you might like to know that I got a much-loved/despised b3ta meme hung on a wall in St. John's Wood next to the smug leatherette face of Ken Livingstone. If that doesn't earn me constant plugs in the newsletter, then I don't know what does." http://www.b3ta.com/board/10603291 * MORE CONGRATULATIONS - to B3ta's own Lee Hardcastle. Winner of the ABCs of Death. Well done, Lee. Well deserved. http://26th.theabcsofdeath.com/t-is-for-toilet/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME More tube stalking stuff Beaverwastemanagement writes, "When you get on a bus or train or plane you must try as best you can to avert your eyes from the passengers as you board (look at the floor for instance) and get to the furthest back seat you can. From that viewpoint using only the clues you can see from behind decide which of the other travellers you definitely would, might and definitely would not, not never, not even with his. "As you get off the bus you score your decisions: you get a 2 for Thank fuck I called that one dead right and a 1 for oh OK if I had to and you get - 2 points for bejezuz she's sooo much older than that blonde hair suggests and a crippling -3 for getting the sex wrong or anything actually illegal. Just reverse the sexes for all possible gender preferences or go the whole hog and rate the entire bus if you are a greedy bi-sexual. Keep your best score and try to break it with each new trip. Alternatively just read Metro. The letters page is OK I suppose." BTW: We've just tried playing this game in our kitchen and have scored -1 for accidentally contemplating fucking the fridge. ------------------------------------------------- : SHIT JOKE WE'VE JUST MADE UP To be told in 1970s working mans club "My wife says I'm like Marmite. Nah, not because people either love me or hate me, but because I smell and come in jars." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Next week we'd like to see strategies to prevent burglary. Our ideas include: * CASE-MOD YOUR PC - with 90s style beige tower complete with "Windows 95 ready" sticker. * DO THE SAME FOR YOUR PHONE - a nice Nokia cover for your lovely £400 smart phone should do the trick. * UNSURE WHAT DO DO ABOUT LAPTOPS - maybe make them look like a Breville sandwich toaster. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by using 4 to 6 fingers of our typing fingers (including thumbs) on a laptop with lots of snot on the screen. Stuff sent in by @thesaharadesert, Paper 'n Pencil, @eatingsoho, milkybarnick, sinisterduck, @vulga, JamTallons, @orangewarrior, Kim Plowright, @foxhill_matt, @rhyswynne, sinisterduck, @davidnield. Top Tippery by wehttamman. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Prevent your partner from snoring by holding a pillow over their face. ------------------------------------------------- THIS NEWSLETTER WAS PRODUCED LISTENING TO... Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here EMI have been doing a reissue of the Floyd's back catalogue with numourous extra track stuff. We were rather excited to hear the fabled 'household objects' project, their abandoned attempt to produce music from only wineglasses and rubberbands. Sadly the extract here isn't up to much, being simply the intro from Shine On You Crazy Diamond. However there's a fab previously unheard take on Wish You Were Here featuring a violin that sounds positively folky. Imagine Pink Floyd joining up with Dexy's Midnight Runners. Oh you don't have to, you could just buy the CD. (Or torrent it, but buying it earns us about 5p or something. Fuck it - just give us your spare coins if you see us outside a tube station.) http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004ZNAKL... next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive