we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SELLING OUT FASTER THAN THE SMITHS AT A JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS SALE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MUMMIES - Mummies everywhere * INTERVIEW - Jonti Picking exclusive * KITTEN ALBUM COVERS - Best thing ever ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving.com ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. We're cheap. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Mummies, Cats, Hamsters, CDCs, Snot & Thanks >> House of 8,000 mummies << "Want to know how it feels to be surrounded by 8000 mummies?" intones Juergen. To be honest, this fully satisfied our curiosity. Like a walk-in closet of the zombie apocalypse. http://goo.gl/qQFE8 >> Welcome to Kitty City << "A small furry dollop of animated whimsy," explains Cyriak. It's like lolcats ON ACID - in that it features cats, makes little sense and is terrifyingly melty. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_to_Kitty_City >> HAMSTER HELL Chapter Two << Being a pet hamster is very much the same thing as being trapped in a futuristic prison. Probably. "Second chapter of me webseries," explains leehardcastle. "I just thought people liked a bit of a series, like me gran wi' Coronation Street." http://www.b3ta.com/links/HAMSTER_HELL_Chapter_Two... >> Women struggling to drink CDCs << "'Women struggling to drink water' is excellent," admits Pedantichrist. "But, let's be honest about it, we all thought this." Crudely-drawn NSFW. http://women-struggling-to-drink-cdcs.tumblr.com/ >> When I Had A Cold << "It's the start of the winter and I've got a cold," moans Joel Veitch. "Still, it's not all bad. You see?" A lovely sound from Joel's new kitten band, although thank Christ he didn't have the shits. http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_I_Had_A_Cold >> Freelance Thanks << Working from home? Missing the positive feedback of office-based chums? Well here it is, in virtual form, devoid of any context. Or meaning. "This thing I made," writes drawingisgood. Hurrah! Well done! http://www.freelancethanks.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : WEEBL AKA JONTI PICKING MAKES IPHONE GAME So we interview him: B3ta: What made you want to do an iPhone game? Jonti: I like games a lot and this seemed like a good way of actually making a real, actual, gamey game. Most games on iPhones seem to be really easy as well which is a little annoying. Nothing wrong with a bit of a challenge. B: What's do you think is the secret of a good phone game? J: Simplicity is key and keep levels or playtime short. Ideally it should be possible to dip into between tube stops. B: What false starts did you experiment with before deciding on the direction you took it in? J: To be honest the game evolved into what it is as it was being coded. I had an idea, all fleshed out, but then reality took over somewhat. There's only so much memory to play with so we had to cut down on animation in places. As a result, smaller sprites were needed for some things but this led to all the background characters being added. B: What hidden bits are there? J: There's nothing really hidden. The tutorial is... interesting. There's a sort of Easter egg in the credits. Basically we've laid it all on the table. Unless the coders hid sonething from me. That's possible. There's probably a picture of me being sick on a stoat hidden in there, I bet. Watch the promo vid for the game here: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Russian+Dancing+... Or buy the game on iTunes: http://bit.ly/vTVivE PS: Don't email us going, "Boo hoo, why isn't this on Android." If you do, we'll send your name to the police, saying you've been sending us child porn. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Tactlessness Last week we asked for the most tactless thing you'd ever heard. And whether it came from your own lips: http://b3ta.com/questions/tactless/ * UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY CARD - "I hate buying birthday cards. I hate the crappy designs, the inflated prices for a bit of folded paper and the 'jokes' or, worse, the second-hand sentiments from the Hallmark Sweatshop of Platitudes. But a few years ago I'd made friends with a female colleague. I'd known her about 10 months when she invited me to the pub for her mother's birthday. I liked her Mum, so was happy to say yes. I nipped out in my lunchtime to get a card. After looking at rows and rows of inappropriate sex and fart jokes and 'too sentimental for the mother of a friend' cards, I finally saw one with a vaguely amusing joke, paid and left. In the pub I pull the card out of my bag and hand it to Birthday Woman with a smile and a 'Have a lovely birthday.' As I do so, I start to get a sinking feeling as I realise the card I have just handed to this woman - this lonely, 3 months a widow after losing her huband to cancer woman; this woman who is having her first birthday since the tragic loss of the man she's spent 30 years with woman - has a picture of three women sitting round a table animatedly talking and one man laying with his head on his arms on the table. Underneath the image are the words: "The women had been talking for so long they hadn't noticed Jean's husband had passed away three hours ago." (scarpe) * HOARDING MUM - "My mum's a hoarder. Not to the extent of keeping newspapers and bottling her piss or anything, she just hates to throw out anything she can remember paying good money for, or can imagine a future need for. Anyway, last year she wound up in intensive care after developing a twisted bowel and succumbing to sepsis. After a couple of weeks spent watching her move up and down the grim reaper's to-do list, she thankfully pulled around. The day she was moved onto a normal ward, we were chatting about how we could help her manage once she got home and of course clear out some of the junk. My uncle kindly softened the blow with, "Well, if you'd died we were going to chuck it all in a fucking skip anyway." (Greencloud ) * BRAZILIAN GIRLFRIEND - "So I'm sixteen years old. The girlfriend has come around to my place for the day, the folks and the sister are out, and the afternoon is ripe for lovin' - or at least, kissin' and some awkward groping, which is the best a fairly shy guy such as myself could have expected. But something is wrong. From the moment the ladyfriend walked in the door, she seemed a little nervous, a little distracted. After I (finally) realised something was up, I asked her what was the matter. She refused to tell me. We played that game for a while (What'swrongnothingreallyyesyousureyesoh), but I eventually manage to get it out of her. In a quiet, delicate voice, quite unlike anything I've ever heard her use before, she comes out with: "I've... you know... *shaved*." For some reason, my mind doesn't quite realise what's going on, so I respond with, "Wow... Well, I have to say, it looks a lot better. I didn't want to mention anything, but I'd definitely noticed a little bit of fuzz there." All the while, I'm gesturing to her top lip. The lip that, in fact, was not one of the ones she was referring to. There was to be no more fumbling that day. It took three hours to get her to even speak to me. (Ellinikos) >> This week: Money-saving tips << I'm broke, you're broke, we're all broke. Even that smug guy on the balcony with the croissant hasn't got two AmEx gold cards to rub together these days. Tell everybody your schemes to save cash: http://b3ta.com/questions/savingmoney/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Font of the week: Pubes << Curious that people keep sending in odd fonts, two weeks ago Llamas, last week one made of vaginas and now? One made entirely of leg hair. We lied when we said pubes in the headline. Sorry. http://thedailywh.at/2011/11/08/follicular-font-of... >> How to deal with violence << Seeing as the UK government is systematically dismantling our social services, it would seem likely we're going to be living in an increasingly violent society. Here's some tips on how to respond to violence. We're pleased to learn our instincts are mostly good: run away. http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/the-truth-about... >> 136 Weird Wikipedia Articles << Recently we've been using the 'reading list' function in Safari to pop in interesting articles that we haven't got the time to read now, but will do for toilet reading later on our phone. Here's the mother-lode. You'll be set for a really long shit. http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/805FfR/phocks.org/st... >> Focus after shooting camera << We've made a promise not to buy any new gadgets for a bit but we're sorely tempted by the Lytro, a camera that allows you to snap photos and then select focus later. Meaning that even clutzfingers like us can get a good shot. Although bittersweet news for professional photographers, as it's another bit of deskilling that'll drive what they can charge down. Available 2012. http://www.lytro.com/ >> Baby recreates famous movie scenes << We suspect the creator of this is a first-time dad - who bothers making this kind of effort with Child Number Three? Or even remembers the kid's name? http://www.studioarthur.co.uk >> Drinkify << What music goes with which drink? Apparently it's cocaine for The Cure and neat vodka for Rebecca Black. Sounds like a party to us. http://www.drinkify.org ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH The Kitten Covers Geniusly simply idea. Photoshop album covers to contain kittens - like debris from a parallel universe where Marc Bolan is a cat and he keeps tiny humans for pets. http://thekittencovers.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Six good reasons you should read more books >> 40 memes << Band 'The GAG Quartet' (there's three of them, our sides are splitting) play 40 memes in one song. Best bit? Keyboard cat. Wonderful stuff; it has all the excess of prog, but you actually know the tunes, so it's fun. http://t.co/NaOQDIuR >> Ciao Berlusconi << In the week where the big, fat, corrupt lizard who's sat on Italy for 40-odd years has been deposed, remember him with this suprisingly good sketch from Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse. Let's hope Italy is not out of the padella and into the fuoco. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tribute_to_the_Exiting_I... >> Two US news anchors piss about << What they do when they're waiting for the weather report to finish? Mesmerizing. Think how entertaining TV would be if they didn't spend all that production effort making everything so monoform and let people's personalities and quirks shine through. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_U_S_News_Anchors >> Unrehearsed voice-over artist << Neat comedy idea - do V/Os for adverts without watching the ad first. Frankly, some agency should nick this idea and record hundreds of one-take V/Os for an ad and then play them out over TV. Would be a talking point and make it stand out from the predictable norm. http://goo.gl/LyjSn >> M83 vocal audition << In the words of the high court judge, "What is a M83?" We had to google it (some pop group who've passed us by) but this chappy doing a comic audition for backing vocalist? Brought joy to our tiny mouse-like hearts. http://vimeo.com/31579331 >> Most O.T.T. Bollywood stunt ever? << Ajbeaumont writes, "This clip from an Indian film climaxes with the hero on rollerblades defeating a load of baddies in cars. The realism of the special effects is a delight." We're now scared of cars flipping randomly into the air and exploding. Another phobia for our list. http://youtu.be/_Z3j3IIMCYs ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER If Gary Glitter had a rap band Concurrency writes, "Awesome band name. Guess it means something different in LA. Or the same, and they're just very open about things over there." http://www.allmusic.com/artist/p141915 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Population Challenge Last week we wanted you to reduce global population. Your favourites included: * MONSTER - terrifyingly be-toothed child-consuming visage (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10592486 * LEMMINGS - Look! Over here, everyone! It's the new iPhone! (Joe Scaramanga) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10591102 * SPELLING - Elegant, sensible solution to the overpopulation problem, at least in English-speaking nations (anonymousreality) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10591289 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/population/ >> New challenge: Colour The Lizard << This week's challenge comes from the very earliest days of b3ta. Your mission is simply to colour the lizard, in as spectacular a fashion as possible. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/colourthelizard/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Prof or Tramp? Nobel prize or Hobo prize? We were sent this by an anonymous caller, clearly inspired by our retro quizzes of yesteryear. Can you tell the difference between university staff or derelicts? We couldn't. Hooray for two groups that don't willingly wear the handcuffs of smart. http://individual.utoronto.ca/somody/quiz.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something ace and tell us about it. If you are in it then you'll become famous and attractive people will sleep with you and business will thrust money into your grasping claw. Things we'd really like to see include. (This bit is tricky to write off the top of our heads so today we're looking around the kitchen for inspiration.) * USE THE WRONG SOAP - Wash your hair with Daz, wash your clothes with Fairy. Does it matter? * MAKE TEA BY PUTTING THE TEA BAG DIRECTLY INTO THE KETTLE - we must end the tyranny of the teapot. * REPLACE YOUR FRIDGE LIGHT WITH A RED BULB - to make your food appear excitingly erotic. Send contributions via the mail form. Or post them on /links. Or just imagine them and let our Psi-Ops read your mind. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. Even the shit in a jiffy bag. ------------------------------------------------- Lovers: [email protected] Twats: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Fred West with Rose West. Stuff sent in by admiral crunch, jams, dirtyscarab, SickRik, @flokemon, @akx, ajbeaumont, al3002, mike woz ere, @SpotOnWebsites, @davidnield & @njhamer. Top Tippery by MrOli. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via HappyToast. Apologies to Greg Davies via Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Never put Pasta and Anti-Pasta too close together in the fridge - the resultant explosion could destroy your appetite. ------------------------------------------------- THIS NEWSLETTER WAS PRODUCED LISTENING TO... The Wicker Man Soundtrack. A one-off fusion of prog, folk and mentalness. We've been getting in touch with our inner pagan and jumping pregnant over fires. And so should you. And at £3.50 second-hand on Amazon, it's never been cheaper to soundtrack the rutting of your rural neighbours. Must dash now, just off to sacrifice a hare. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00006C2O... next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive